Am I doomed to singledom?

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I've just started uni and everything was going really well. I've met loads of random people and gay people and made friends but there is something missing that will probably remain missing for the rest of my life. It's my problems with relationships or the lack of relationships that is the problem. For some reason I've been successful in everything else- academic, jobs and making friends but relationships is one of the things I think about the most and ironically is one of the least successful. I have this horrible feeling that i'll remain a virgin for the rest of my life and die a virgin. Although it's something that i don't want, it's something that I'm getting used to. I don't know if it's linked to some form of depression or a severe low self esteem or self hatred or an ugly appearance, it could be a mixture of everthing. I don't know where to start or how to solve this. I've tried not looking for relationships, putting all my energies into the societies and work..... but this loneliness just creeps up on me and I want it to stop.

 

[Eagle653]

Oh, it'll come, you just don't know when. Being as young as you are it's early to write off a lifetime of happiness.

Yes--being depressed or having low self-esteem can definitely lead to catastrophic thoughts like this. But, so can impatience.

It seems esp. frustrating when you really want a relationship and one doesn't develop. Ignoring that and delving into other distractions only works for a little while, if at all.

No one here knows whether you're depressed or have low self-esteem and, if so, how much that is playing into this. Since you're at university, can you chat with a peer counselor and try to untangle that? The goal isn't to find a relationship as much as it is to being "OK" with whether you're in a relationship or not.

Good luck!

 

[scottyz]

Do you realize how many people ask themselves this question? Low self-esteem is a prerequisite for 85% of the population. If you just started Uni and your profile says "Age: 19", I suspect you are pretty young, truthfulness of the profile aside.

Learn these secrets and you will be a happy young man:

0) You are young. Realize that perspective grows with age. The feelings you have now will change in even 10 years.

1) The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. Most people do not have a better reason to be happy than you. They simply CHOOSE to be happy or may just APPEAR to be happy from your perspective.

2) Virginity is only as important as you choose to make it. I suspect that you equate non-virginity as being "desirable" or "love-worthy". If you give of yourself to other people, they will love you. It is only natural some of those people will want to fuck you like a rabbit, too.

3) Loneliness is COMPLETELY under your control. From personal experience, I have learned that doing things for other people (sincerely) removes loneliness. You do not yet understand how lonely and miserable many people are in the modern world. Look how pathetic most children are: the only thing they have is a Nintendo Wii. They are too scared or too fat to play real sports.

Get out there and live life before it passes you by. Trust me on this one. Help the people who are less fortunate than you; love the people who get less love than you; be kind and thoughtful to everyone. You will have more friends and loving, sexual relationships than you know what to do with.

 

[Telstra]

1) The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence.

2) Virginity is only as important as you choose to make it.

3) Loneliness is COMPLETELY under your control.

excellent, very wise.

 

[Telstra]

I'm not a fan of the bible but these words are so true and i think i have to practice often:

"Love is patient, kind not envy, not boast, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices with tthe truth"

 

[GL]

am i doomed to singledom?

99% of the time i think i am.

hopefully it won't be for you.

 

[M4P]

Trust me guys (from a voice of experience) it will happen when you're not looking and least expecting to meet someone

 

[Yeehaw]

Trust me guys (from a voice of experience) it will happen when you're not looking and least expecting to meet someone

but if you dont actively put yourself out there, you will be single for good eh??

 

[luismex911]

i really hope i can get a partner really soon!!!

 

[rareboy]

Good Lord.

So a 19 year old, successful in academics, jobs and making friends thinks about dying a virgin because he hasn't got laid yet.

What I would suggest is that you take a good hard look at how you go looking for relationships. You probably haven't had a lot of practise, so you might be imposing a whole lot of limitations and expectations that the guys you're interested in might not be able to meet; all the while ignoring a whole lot of other possibilities right in front of you.

If you appear happy and relaxed; open to being casual and friendly without that hunted or hunting look, you might just be surprised at what falls into your arms.

 

[evil_danger]

Most have been there, that feeling their gonna die alone, allot are still there, but if you throw in the towel now at 19! then you might as well die alone.

My problem is everyone just thinks I'm "cute" I can flirt, put myself out there, but everyone turns round to say "aww, your cute"

But the thing is all you can do is be yourself, the moment you change who you are to atract other people your living a lie, and that is not atractive.

 

[tze100]

Hey Rali, good to hear that most things at uni are going well. Believe me there are probably loads of people at your uni, probably at your college, probably people you know who feel the same way as you. Not all of them gay and lets be honest most of them scientists.

But you've only been there for a term! - and I expect a lot of that has been spent getting to grips with uni, societies, avoiding boaties etc. I'd be surprised if it hasn't flown past. You'll be meeting new people all the time. It's likely your social circle will change significantly from the friends you made initially. Don't think that just because nothing's happened yet you can tell what's going to happen for the rest of your life!

It can be so high pressured at uni, so many people (maybe yourself included) stress out so much about doing their absolute best - even your social life becomes something you constantly feel you have to improve. You're thrust from a world where you were the standout student by a mile to one where you're suddenly not so special. You compare yourself to everybody and because they're now as clever and hardworking as you (well maybe not for scummy arts students) you begin to concentrate more on other areas of your life.

You might keep it all inside because you can't talk about it to people you've only known six weeks, a random peer counsellor who you're afraid will treat you differently whenever you see them, you're not going go to a tutorial advisor about personal problems, and the last thing you want to see when you open your desk is a bloody LinkLine sticker in the corner - but they're all resources you can use to help yourself. It's not selfish or inappropriate; if you're feeling that bad about it and it's affecting all aspects of your life - and no matter how much you 'get used to it' it will always be there like a rain cloud over you.

I don't know if you honestly think you're doomed to singledom or not. You can't always rationalise or predict human interactions. And there isn't a quick fix for that feeling at the end of a night when you're lying in bed by yourself, but if there were people would be queuing up for miles to get it, and I'd be there too. But you are not alone.

If all else fails there's always the Romance website!!

 

[Jory]

I've just started uni and everything was going really well. I've met loads of random people and gay people and made friends but there is something missing that will probably remain missing for the rest of my life. It's my problems with relationships or the lack of relationships that is the problem. For some reason I've been successful in everything else- academic, jobs and making friends but relationships is one of the things I think about the most and ironically is one of the least successful. I have this horrible feeling that i'll remain a virgin for the rest of my life and die a virgin. Although it's something that i don't want, it's something that I'm getting used to. I don't know if it's linked to some form of depression or a severe low self esteem or self hatred or an ugly appearance, it could be a mixture of everthing. I don't know where to start or how to solve this. I've tried not looking for relationships, putting all my energies into the societies and work..... but this loneliness just creeps up on me and I want it to stop.

About the virgin part that is up to you what to do about it, as for being in a relationship when you get to be my age then we can talk

 

[Singularity]

What is it with young people and the need to be in a relationship? Live and learn at that age because one day, you're gonna be older and then you'll be ready for a relationship.

I always say that any romantic relationship before 30 is doomed to a break-up at some point (divorce rate anyone?).

As Brian already said; it's gonna happen the minute you're not looking.