Am i gay or just a weak ass het man

[dontknow10]

The subject line might seem offensive but its not intended to be and please don't take it to be.


I know gay men are all different and many are the perfect representation of masculinity...

Anyway, I'm 24 and I think I grew up in a household with a narcissistic father and a codependent mother. I have a sister who’s 22 and a brother who’s 25. Hah- I think I need another beer to even finish this story. On top of that, I don’t even have any money… lol. I just stole a dollar from my little sister and went out and bought another beer.

I don’t want to write a whole long story…

- I was pretty much a loner and asexual from high school to college. I had already seen enough fighting and tension between my mother and father since I was a kid to not want to be in any sort of relationship. I think I had a crush or “whatever” on one or two females but I don’t know if it was a crush or if I just wanted to be their friend- I’ve never really had female friends. Its probably good that I wasn’t friends with the girls that I thought about because I was and I’m somewhat now attracted to girls who are clearly disturbed or have issues. Additionally, I always choose the wrong guys to be friends with- they’d always end up being dumb or whatever and I’d just walk away and prefer to be by myself. On top of this I grew up in a small town and I grew up before the internet and all that stuff. I never really had access to the internet or porn or anything when I was a kid. The first time I watched “straight” porn was Freshmen of college. I guess my whole point about the porn thing is that I never even knew that gay people existed. I was watching tv before “will and grace”.

- In college I joined a frat and hung out there for a good 2.5 years. I was always the “different” person. I suppose I wasn’t really as out going as everyone else. Additionally, I never really wanted to pursue girls- like everyone else. I wasn’t really interested- it always seemed to me that college Freshmen/sophomore guys have little chance at getting girls in that sort of college environment so I didn’t even want to even expend energy.

- Around junior year of college I left the frat and was living by myself. I was (and probably have always been- considering the house I grew up in) depressed and got therapy. I was put on antidepressants and I was on them for a year. It was during this time at 21 that I had my first sexual experiences. I was with a couple of different girls and they were all completely different from each other. Additionally (although not at the same time- I saw everyone individually and with time in-between each person), I was with two somewhat random guys. I saw them a couple times but never formed a relationship. When I was on the medication, I felt different, more out going, ect… and its during this time that I first thought that I might be gay. I was scarred. I was just thinking one night, and scared myself and did the whole “oh, fuck I’m gay thing.”

- Around senior year, I met this Freshmen girl and until recently we had been together in a relationship for three years. I stopped the antidepressants shortly after I met her. She broke up with me two months ago because she feels that she’s a lesbian. I met her when I was a senior and 21 and she was a Freshmen and 17 going on 18. She just recently had a 21 b-day and now I’m 24. We don’t talk anymore. Not even as friends. When we met, she identified herself as bi. I had thoughts that I might be gay- before her, but I never really knew any gay or bi people. I think one thing that we bonded over was our questioning of our orientations.

I’ve gotten way off track…

- I have a lot of debt and I’m in a really bad place in my life. I’m working on becoming an alcoholic. I have no friends- I could never relate to guys. Sometimes I get suicidal. My older brother and younger sister are in better positions than me financially (for various and different reasons that are of no fault of my own)


My parents go divorced this year. My mom is displaying signs of schizophrenia. My brother, sister, and I don’t have the means to help or support her. Odds are she’ll end up on the streets. My dad is an emotionally, verbally, abusive person and my brother and I rarely talk to him. Only my sister does- but she has a whole different relationship with him.

I think I might be gay because my dad didn’t give me enough love. I know some people don’t even have fathers- but I’m thinking that since my dad was around- but not there at the same time, that makes my want love from another guy that much more. Additionally, I feel like my dad kept all the "power". He never really empowered his sons. He actually did and still does the opposite- which I think is to make himself feel good. I grew up in this house but was never empowered and I don't think its an issue of "taking the power". Maybe it is. In any event, I feel like shit. A lot of time I feel both masculine and feminine. Masculine in the sense that I could- literally at any moment (lucky my dad doesn't live by me) smash my dads face with a wrench- and feminine in the sense that I have no power what so ever- no family. My little sister is in a better position than me. I have to ask my older brother for money... and I won't have money for a decent amount of time...

I think I just want to figure this out and accept this whole sexuality thing because my life on all other fronts is already so messed up. I feel like that if at least I get a hold on this sexuality thing, it’ll be one thing off my mind. Additionally, I want to get this sexuality thing solved because the debt will be there a long time. So will the family issues. I can’t escape them.

 

[sunoftheskye]

Whether you feel masculine or feminine has no bearing on whether you're attracted to men or women. So when trying to figure out your sexuality, completely take that off the table 'cause it's irrelevant. Yes there are lots of feminine gay men, but your masculinity/femininity should not be something you look at when trying to figure out your sexuality.

Also, whether you're attracted to vagina or penis has nothing to do with your father not giving you enough love.

If you had sex with girls and enjoyed it, you're most likely on some level bisexual. But it seems you like guys more. I think your main problem might be you keep trying to make yourself gay or straight, when in reality you're probably bi.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what exactly your question is...lol

 

[tucaz7]

You have some issues to work through, going to take some time. One thing you need to answer for yourself is who are you sexually attracted to--men or women?

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

I have one of the coolest fathers on earth. Very understanding, always there for me, great guy in every way. But guess what? Me still like-y the dick-y.

Don't look for causes or rationales for your sexuality. Just ask yourself one simple question - what gets you horny? Do you look at porn? What do you fantasize about? Guys? Girls? Both?

Yeah, it'll be nice to "settle" your sexuality, but that won't suddenly settle everything else. You'll just be a homosexual (or straight, or bisexual) in debt with alcoholic tendencies. These aren't problems that should wait until you figure out your sexuality. If anything, you should start working on those first. Figuring out who you want to date and have sex with can wait until the bills start getting paid and you're not looking to get drunk every night.

Lex

 

[NYtiger6]

My paternal grandfather died while my grandmother was still pregnant with my dad. He, my dad that is, had no father-figure in his life and guess what... he's been happily married for over 35 years and has 8 kids. He, on the other hand, has always been there for me AND I'M STILL GAY!

 

[dontknow10]

[removed by moderator]


My mom is about to be out on the streets. [removed by moderator]. Do you know how helpless a person must feel knowing that they're mother is refusing help and would rather be out on the streets. She's only in her early forties.


I'll keep going forward. I just thought I'd share my situation. I thought that maybe someone could relate. I tried. Peace out.

 

[StrongDizzle]

A person's sexuality is never concrete. People do "go through phases." Also, you can't really look at a person's sexuality as a line between heterosexual and homosexual. Sexuality looks more like a massive clusterfuck of preferences and perversions. If you are looking to find a definition for your sexuality, try looking at other "labels." You may identify as pansexual.

Unfortunately, I think you may find it hard to come to a conclusion at this point in time. Stress and depression can really change and diminish your sexual feelings. I think the best thing to focus on is the type of people you are attracted to, regardless of their gender.

I wish the best of luck to you. Take care of yourself...you have a lot going on.

 

[Lube]

I can see why you want to "settle" the issue of your sexuality. Despite many protestations by gay men that "My sexuality doesn't define me", in some ways it does. It's hard to have a strong foundation in yourself if you aren't sure about your sexuality.

It does sound like you're gay.

How you got there is anybody's guess. It's not your father. Recent scientific evidence suggests it's genetic or some condition in your mother's womb that determines (at least partially) your sexual orientation.

In other words, there's nothing you or your father (or your mother) can do about it now. It's done. Accept it. (It's not easy or necessarily quick, but you need to do it.)

There.

Now start worrying about your other problems, because you're going to have to devote significant time to them. Good luck, and keep us updated.

 

[rareboy]

I think I might be gay because my dad didn’t give me enough love.

If you're gay, it is nature, not nurture.

You sound like you are in need of ongoing therapy and medications to work things out. There is a lot of anger and baggage that you're carrying around. Accepting that you are gay and that it is a good thing, and not some kind of damaged state caused by lack of affection, will be a first major step.

Good luck with finding yourself.

 

[dontknow10]

If you're gay, it is nature, not nurture.

Very few things are the result of nature alone- but if it helps you to think that way, suit yourself.


Take height for example. A person's height is genetically predetermined but if a child's nutritional needs aren't met or severely neglected, the height of the child's is certainly going to be effected.

 

[Lube]

I don't know of any studies that show that a certain parenting type causes gayness. That's a myth from the 1950's and 1960's.

Welcome to 2008.

On the other hand, several recent studies suggest it is genes and/or the womb environment that cause gayness:

http://www.livescience.com/health/060224_gay_genes.html

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20050128/is-there-gay-gene

http://www.newscientist.com/channel/sex/mg18424690.800-gay-genetics.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5120004.stm

 

[rareboy]

Take height for example. A person's height is genetically predetermined but if a child's nutritional needs aren't met or severely neglected, the height of the child's is certainly going to be effected (sic).

Pffffft.

Puleeze.

Sexuality is innate. There is absolutely no set of envirinmental or nurturing conditions that make children gay,either because of a surfeit or lack of any psychosocial or emotional influence....totally different than diminished height because of lack of nutrition.

 

[dontknow10]

Pffffft.

Puleeze.

Sexuality is innate. There is absolutely no set of envirinmental or nurturing conditions that make children gay,either because of a surfeit or lack of any psychosocial or emotional influence....totally different than diminished height because of lack of nutrition.

Just because you say or write it with confidence doesn't make it true.

 

[G-Lexington]

OK, fine. Your father was distant, which turned you homo. Now you've got somebody to blame your homosexuality on. Now what?

Lex

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

dontknow10,

I grew up in the 50's and the 60's, so I can identify with what you are saying. But you have to remember the perspective of psychology from that time period. Recent science is leaning towards a physical cause of homosexuality. Either way, you are, who you are. The simple question is, what makes your dick hard? If it is only guys, you are gay. I think you are trying to over analyze your sexuality. Just be it. Why does the cause matter? Go with the flow.

At some point, you are going to realize the only person you have control over is yourself. The only person who can change you is yourself.

You might want to check out a book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is simple to read.

I have been on this forum for many years. The responses of the other members are some of the best I've read. They are trying to help.

 

[billybob109]

I think you need to help professional help because having suicidal thoughts is not cool i know some members here have phone numbers and websites you can visit for help