Am I in love with him, or are we just really good friends

[Kat4488]

Let me give you some very brief background info. I met a guy over the summer - it was just a hook up - we "hooked up" about 10 times over a few month period. We really clicked as friends, just loved spending time together and talking, hanging out - doing stuff. He has been married, (is now divorced) he claims to be straight, doesn't want a boyfriend, wants to get re-married and have a family and so forth. He never once lied to me about his intentions and what he wanted. he never led me to believe we could ever be more than friends.

So late in the summer, we had a long talk and we both decided we were not going to have sex anymore with each other. I was 100% in agreement - I just wanted to be friends with him - and it had started being a little awkward and strange having sex with him - because we were such good friends, and I knew he didn't want anything more. So for my own sake I'm glad we stopped.

OK that is the set-up. Fast forward to the present. We are really good friends, we do stuff every week - talk about everything and anything, share secrets, I've told him things I've never told anyone else. It is really the best friendship I've ever had.

My question is not asking for you to try and figure my friend out. My question is whether I really am in love with him - I mean I've never really had a friend like this. A friend that I would drop anything else I'm doing to be with. I friend I would do anything for. A friend that I think about everyday. When he calls me and wants to do something I get excited. I would like for him to meet my family, and I want my family to meet him. I want to meet his family.

The reason I'm asking the question is just so I know, but I think I'm in love with him. He's been very honest with me about what he wants and I know he doesn't want anything with me besides a friendship - and I am fine with that or at least I've tried to convince myself I am fine with that. There have been times over the past few months where I've tried to distance myself from him, meet other guys - but that really hasn't worked because in the end I think I hve more fun with my friend.

When I am with him I have so much fun, and I am just very happy being with him - there isn't anyone else I'd rather be with. We haven't done anything sexual at all since late summer, and when I'm with him, I'm not thinking about sex with him - I'm really not - sure there are times I would like to hug him and comfort him. But I don't really think or dream about having sex with him.

I really am confused and I don't know if we have just a really good friendship (maybe I've never had a lot of really good friendships) or if I am in love with him. So that is my question, I would like to hear all your opinions and please ask any questions you may have.

Thanks for your help.

 

[Eagle653]

Sometimes there are very fine lines between love and sex. There are also different types of love--loving someone and being "in love" with them. Loving someone means you care enormously, trust them completely, miss them when they are not in contact, and look forward to interacting with them as soon as possible. Being "in love" with someone usually connotes a sexual element and an exclusivity, such that you want a relationship with them that is sacred and not the same with them as any other person.

Only you can tell whether you are so fond of him and care about him so much that you love him (like brothers or best friends or the "Biblical" sense), or whether you're "in love" with him in which you want a committed relationship with him.

Since you've been-there/done-that sexually with him, and it didn't seem to work out and made your both uncomfortable, then I don't know that you're "in love" with him as much as just greatly admire and love him as a friend. Or, do you see your feelings changing such that you want it all--the relationship, exclusivity, and sexual aspects too? (In love)

One litmus test would be: How would you feel if he got a boyfriend and was sexually active with him? Apart from taking time away from you, how would you feel about him being sexual with a guy? If that bothers you, that's one indication you're "in love" vs just "love" him.

It all gets very confusing, that's for sure.

 

[LuckyDyme]

Awww I would have to say that you're in love buddy!! No doubt about it. Well jus my opinion.....jus cuz you stated some things that stuck out as being "sprung" over ya guy. I'm in a smiliar situation as you right now, but I haven't "hooked up" with my guy yet. (hopefully it'll happen) If you think about him all the time, and if you try to hook up with other guys, but all you can think about is him, then you're head over heels for your guy, which is love. Awwww, well thats my 2 cents, I wish you the best though, cuz I'm right there with you....sorta.

Happy Holidays

 

[Kat4488]

Since you've been-there/done-that sexually with him, and it didn't seem to work out and made your both uncomfortable, then I don't know that you're "in love" with him as much as just greatly admire and love him as a friend. Or, do you see your feelings changing such that you want it all--the relationship, exclusivity, and sexual aspects too? (In love)

One litmus test would be: How would you feel if he got a boyfriend and was sexually active with him? Apart from taking time away from you, how would you feel about him being sexual with a guy? If that bothers you, that's one indication you're "in love" vs just "love" him.

I felt very comfortable while we were having sex - enjoyed it very much and it was very passionate, it wasn't just a quick 15-20 minute thing. Couple of times we spent the whole night together.

I've asked myself this question as a way of trying to sort this thing out. If he were to tell me today that he's had a change of heart and is in love with me and wants to be more than friends. I certainly wouldn't turn him down, although I would have some real questions I would want him to answer.

To answer your last question. If he were to get a boyfriend and was sexually active with him, I would be crushed, hurt, jealous, all those things. In fact I'm pretty sure he has hooked up with other guys over the past few months - he has never confirmed that, but I believe he has. And I'm a little jelous about that, although if we ever had sex again it would have to be when we were both committed to being more than friends.

However, if he were to start dating a girl, if he got married and had 5 kids, I would be soooooo happy for him because I truly know that is what he wants.


Thanks for the advice.

 

[Kat4488]

Awww I would have to say that you're in love buddy!! No doubt about it. Well jus my opinion.....jus cuz you stated some things that stuck out as being "sprung" over ya guy. I'm in a smiliar situation as you right now, but I haven't "hooked up" with my guy yet. (hopefully it'll happen) If you think about him all the time, and if you try to hook up with other guys, but all you can think about is him, then you're head over heels for your guy, which is love. Awwww, well thats my 2 cents, I wish you the best though, cuz I'm right there with you....sorta.

Happy Holidays

I just wonder if we hadn't met like we did, hadn't has sex, if my feelings would be any different. Although probably not, because in the past 3 months since we stopped, I still am as close to him as ever.

So I guess I could do one of the following:

1) continue being friends with him, enjoy our time, try to meet someone else to fill the void.

2) Break the friendship off - not sure what I would tell him - probably would just slowly distance myself from him. Everyone has done that before, always be busy, stop returning phone calls - it can be done. But then I would lose my best friend.

or

3) I could tell him how I feel, see what he has to say. it might freak him out, and he won't want to continue being friends. He might say I don't want that, thanks for telling me, and we are still friends - although there will always be a little awkwardness between us. Or he could say, yes he wants to be more than friends - I'm 99.9% convinced that won't happen.

I will continue being friends with him for as long as I can, maybe the feelings will subside.

 

[LuckyDyme]

I just wonder if we hadn't met like we did, hadn't has sex, if my feelings would be any different. Although probably not, because in the past 3 months since we stopped, I still am as close to him as ever.

So I guess I could do one of the following:

1) continue being friends with him, enjoy our time, try to meet someone else to fill the void.

2) Break the friendship off - not sure what I would tell him - probably would just slowly distance myself from him. Everyone has done that before, always be busy, stop returning phone calls - it can be done. But then I would lose my best friend.

or

3) I could tell him how I feel, see what he has to say. it might freak him out, and he won't want to continue being friends. He might say I don't want that, thanks for telling me, and we are still friends - although there will always be a little awkwardness between us. Or he could say, yes he wants to be more than friends - I'm 99.9% convinced that won't happen.

I will continue being friends with him for as long as I can, maybe the feelings will subside.

I had feelings for this other friend of mine, I never let him know but I think it was quite obvious he knew. I knew in my heart/mind that we could never be so it that situation I went with option 2 with the list of options you gave ^^^ there. I don't regret it, he wasn't worth it in the end. But back to you.....if I was in your shoes.....it would be tight between 1 and 3 cuz I mean ya'll messed around, so theres some physical attraction there, you have a better chance than I do with my guy (lol). Anyways....but yeah if you go with 1, its gonna get difficult at times and like you said there will be that awkwardness.....jus stick with 1 until you know in your heart that you're ready handle 3 good or bad.....good luck

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I hate to sort of rain on your parade, but the only course of action, I would take would be to run and never look back. Why?

#1
Your relationship/friendship or ex-buddies is still completely dominating your emotional life. You would look for another guy to have a relationship with but you are really talking about 'filling the void'. Think, where this leaves this other 'filler' dude and what does this present friendship/love do to your emotional well-being and your future. You are stuck in a bit of serious loop, IMHO, that is.

#2
Your friend and ex-buddy does have an apparently unsurmountable problem: he has developed a clear pattern of homosexual behavior, with you and possibly other dudes before you, and with apparently more guys going through his bedroom at some rate, even now; but wants a pretty wife, a bunch of children and preferably a white picket fence, if it can fit in? I have no doubt that you see, where this leads to. The writing is on the wall in big, red bold letters. And you can read that only too well. His plan can work out, though. The casualties will be his wife, the kid(s) and certainly yourself, living a perfect nightmare you would have helped to build.

#3
It is entirely possible that he may have a serious change of heart, if you spoke to him about your feelings openly or maybe even on his own, if you will. Should this be the case, and you start building your future together, you are running a very high risk that he would start seeing you as embodiment of his lost dreams and possibly the source of his greatest failure to achieve them. Trust me, you do not want to go there either. And he should not let you, if he is a genuine friend.

Finally, you have got your own future to create and that is your job #1. You want to recognize that you have an entirely different set of goals ahead of you and that his and your paths really parted away last summer, when the hook-ups ended.

Friendships are great but not the ones that are so overwhelming that stand in the way of your future happiness and fulfillment.

SC

 

[Kat4488]

SilverRRCloud - wow, my brain tells me you are 100% correct, there is so much wisdom in your post. I am almost in a no win situation with the guy at this point. Reading your post makes it so clear what I should do. The hard part is actually doing it when I really don't want to.

 

[mac_twck]

Sometimes there are very fine lines between love and sex. There are also different types of love--loving someone and being "in love" with them. Loving someone means you care enormously, trust them completely, miss them when they are not in contact, and look forward to interacting with them as soon as possible. Being "in love" with someone usually connotes a sexual element and an exclusivity, such that you want a relationship with them that is sacred and not the same with them as any other person.

This is the best description of love that I have ever seen. Averageguy you are WAY above average. wow

Mac