Am I so horrible?

[LandSome80]

I know I should stop whining and moving my ass.
Writing in this forum or using social is the only time of leisure I have, even at work (where I have always been understood and never judged) they start to treat me like shit.
Me and him (my best friend lover) genuinely love each other and without him I could not live and I know that talking to you is useless but I have to vent.
I go to the psychologist and it works a bit too but it still remains someone I pay and lately I don’t have enough money (my business has economic problems despite we work day and night). My wife recently got pregnant, and as they told me, she doesn't want anymore any of this.
My world is falling down, sometimes I wonder if it makes sense to give up everything for 'Dave' but then I think about his problems and I understand no (although I suppose I could with the help of a psychiatrist) but then I think to my wife and I realize that she is now pregnant and anyway we got married (I don’t know if I had already mentioned that my parents raised me in an extremely Catholic family).
Or about waiting for the baby to be 16 years old and say, "Hi, honey, Dad loves his childhood best friend and long time lover" but I would be an horrible dad.
I love my wife, I want to make that clear, but Dave’s crisis makes me feel bad about all this charade.
I don’t know what to do.
The worst thing is: only with Dave I feel myself, only with him I can have fun like when we were teen doing raves.

 

[KaraBulut]

So, it's a little better but basically it's the same- you're still putting your wife's needs and your boyfriend's needs and your job's needs above your own needs?

And now there's also a baby whose needs you'll be putting before your needs, too?

Keep trying to get the money to talk with the therapist if it's helping. But know that there's not going to be an easy solution. People are going to get hurt. If you want your own hurt to go away, you're going to have to make some choices that are going to hurt other people.

 

[Telstra]

Follow Dame Edna's advice, herself always comes first

 

[TX-Beau]

The child now comes first. That's not saying you have to stay married to a woman. There is nothing you can do for anyone if you're a mess.

 

[MusicMan321]

Like you said your gonna be a dad to this kid and you'll have to be there for the kid. Does your wife know this about you and your friend?

 

[LandSome80]

I have to thank you for the help you’ve been giving me recently.
I didn’t answer early because I had a lot to think about, I didn’t even know if I was ready to answer honestly, those who work with me believe that being married and being a good father are not related things...maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think it.
I don’t want be hypocritical: I would also like to make it clear that things like status symbols and money interest me. It does not mean that I am a cold person without values, at least I do not believe, it’s because of the life I had as a teenager and I believe that at least my son deserve better.
I don’t know how to explain it: having been the classic 'runaway' boy so for my son I want to give him everything I missed and if this includes giving up something I will do.
A lot of people call me a narcissist, but I don’t think I am, I just consider myself a pussy... that’s why I’m going to wait and wait and have a double life in the meantime.
I love my wife but not passionately. I believe the word ‘beard' is the best.