Seosamh
On the Prowl
I'm up WAY too early today, sitting here having a moring smoke and a cupa' while I waste some time before getting my act together. See, today I get to take the Mother out to LI for a BBQ at her brother's. Since Dad RIP passed last year, I've been doing a lot of that - escorting Mum where she needs to go (more on that later...). Such is the life of the Dutiful Son I suppose.
So, I've been tooling around on here, tweaking my profile, reading some others. I haven't been on JUB in a L-O-N-G time to be honest. I can remember when JUB existed in another forum (I can't for the life of me remember what the name was or anything) and posting there then here and interacting with a number of guys via PM and such. But what often happens, life came around and *bam* I found myself leaving work and becoming a caregiver to my Dad and Uncle as they went thru overlapping bouts with terminal cancer the past 3 years. But this is life. You do what you need to do and get on with it.
Anywho, reading some posts (and commenting on some others) got me thinking - always a dangerous thing. So I thought I'd avail myself of the BLOG feature and here we are.
When I first came out, I was older than the average guy coming out - a "Late Bloomer" if you will. I won't lie, it was hugely difficult, but at the same time such a weight lifted off my shoulders as well. The knot was finally gone from my stomach (tho not forever as I later learned - ugh!), the weight I'd packed on was dropping off easier than it ever had (and I also found out it packs on much faster too - double ugh!). Friends even commented that I looked, acted and sounded more settled, more content, happier than I had in a long time. I suppose I was. But at the same time, I was still somewhat ill at ease. Any gay man will tell you, ours is a particularly image conscious group. Whether you agree or disagree with that sentiment, you cannot deny that it doesn't hold true for a significant portion of "Homoslavia". I'll admit, this was one of my concerns and I expressed it to a friend of mine. He was what my friend the Ward calls "An Elder Gay" - older, established, settled. It was he whoe first told me what has stuck with me since "Become the man you want to attract" - of course he told me this in a bar, over drinks, with any number of good looking men in the place, so his meaning was lost on me. Then.
Later on - whether it was that week, month or whenever, that doesn't matter, what matters is I started to think about what Gary (the "Elder Gay") said to me. I realised that what he was telling me had nothing to do with abs, pecs, guns, how many times you go to the gym, what you wear, etc -- none of that. What he was speaking to was and is the real, the important. Becoming the man you want to attract had nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the heart, the brain, the soul. The important stuff. Once I realised this, I began to think about how I could apply it to myself -- how I could become the man I wanted to attract. What exactly was I looking for in "that man" and how could I project, indeed become that myself?
I'd like to say at this point, I have become the man I wanted to attract and as a result, I have indeed attracted that man. But alas, I remain single - on the shelf as it were. Does this mean I haven't become that man? Or am I single due to some other reason(s)?
I often get asked that question that single people regardless of gender or persuasion around the world loathe - "So, why are you single?" Why do we hate that question? The question itself is usually prefaced by one or more compliments about you, but the question itself has the implied meaning of "OK, tell me what's really wrong with you" in it. Lovely. I really don't think there's anything any more "wrong" with me than with any other average guy. Sure, I've got my issues, my baggage, my idiosyncricities, my foibles - we all do and I don't think mine are any greater or lesser than most (or at least, some).
I honestly can say right now I'm single by choice. Are there times I question this choice? Sure, you bet. But, do I regret the choices made that got me to "single by choice"? Not at all. I am who I am and while I am single, I am not out looking, but rather I am open to the possibility. Another piece of advice from Gary the Elder Gay -- "Don't go looking for a boyfriend - nothing smells quite so bad as desperation! But always, always be open to possibility of that boyfriend finding you!"
So have I become that man yet? I don't know. I don't think its anything you suddenly realise you are, there is no check list, there's no graduation ceremony. I think its an on going process that only serves to help each of us become better, period and there's nothing wrong with that.
Here I remain, hoping I have become that man and open to the possibility of that man finding me.
***************************************************************
I give you now what inspired this post in the first place.
Give it a read.
So have I become that man yet? Have you?
1. I'm the guy who will put his head on your shoulder, not because he's sleepy, but because he wants to be closer to you.
2. I'm the guy who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant.
3. I'm the guy who says, "Ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you.
4. I'm the guy you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you.
5. I'm the guy who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms.
6. I'm the guy who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me.
7. I'm the guy who loves to end a hug with a kiss.
8. I'm the guy who you can talk to about anything.
9. I'm the guy who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one.
10. I'm the guy who will brag about you to all of my friends.
11. I'm the guy who will listen to you talk.
12. I'm the guy who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason.
13. I'm the guy who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.
14. I'm the guy who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us.
15. I'm the guy who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your boyfriend.
16. I'm the guy who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word.
17. I'm the guy who loves you to play with my hair.
18. I'm the guy who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have.
19. I'M THE GUY WHO ONCE I LET YOU INTO MY HEART, THERE'S ALWAYS A PLACE THERE W/ YOUR NAME ON IT. AND EVEN IF WE SPEND TIME APART, I'M THE GUY WHO NEVER FORGETS YOU!!
20. I'm the guy that notices the little things you do for me
So, I've been tooling around on here, tweaking my profile, reading some others. I haven't been on JUB in a L-O-N-G time to be honest. I can remember when JUB existed in another forum (I can't for the life of me remember what the name was or anything) and posting there then here and interacting with a number of guys via PM and such. But what often happens, life came around and *bam* I found myself leaving work and becoming a caregiver to my Dad and Uncle as they went thru overlapping bouts with terminal cancer the past 3 years. But this is life. You do what you need to do and get on with it.
Anywho, reading some posts (and commenting on some others) got me thinking - always a dangerous thing. So I thought I'd avail myself of the BLOG feature and here we are.
When I first came out, I was older than the average guy coming out - a "Late Bloomer" if you will. I won't lie, it was hugely difficult, but at the same time such a weight lifted off my shoulders as well. The knot was finally gone from my stomach (tho not forever as I later learned - ugh!), the weight I'd packed on was dropping off easier than it ever had (and I also found out it packs on much faster too - double ugh!). Friends even commented that I looked, acted and sounded more settled, more content, happier than I had in a long time. I suppose I was. But at the same time, I was still somewhat ill at ease. Any gay man will tell you, ours is a particularly image conscious group. Whether you agree or disagree with that sentiment, you cannot deny that it doesn't hold true for a significant portion of "Homoslavia". I'll admit, this was one of my concerns and I expressed it to a friend of mine. He was what my friend the Ward calls "An Elder Gay" - older, established, settled. It was he whoe first told me what has stuck with me since "Become the man you want to attract" - of course he told me this in a bar, over drinks, with any number of good looking men in the place, so his meaning was lost on me. Then.
Later on - whether it was that week, month or whenever, that doesn't matter, what matters is I started to think about what Gary (the "Elder Gay") said to me. I realised that what he was telling me had nothing to do with abs, pecs, guns, how many times you go to the gym, what you wear, etc -- none of that. What he was speaking to was and is the real, the important. Becoming the man you want to attract had nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the heart, the brain, the soul. The important stuff. Once I realised this, I began to think about how I could apply it to myself -- how I could become the man I wanted to attract. What exactly was I looking for in "that man" and how could I project, indeed become that myself?
I'd like to say at this point, I have become the man I wanted to attract and as a result, I have indeed attracted that man. But alas, I remain single - on the shelf as it were. Does this mean I haven't become that man? Or am I single due to some other reason(s)?
I often get asked that question that single people regardless of gender or persuasion around the world loathe - "So, why are you single?" Why do we hate that question? The question itself is usually prefaced by one or more compliments about you, but the question itself has the implied meaning of "OK, tell me what's really wrong with you" in it. Lovely. I really don't think there's anything any more "wrong" with me than with any other average guy. Sure, I've got my issues, my baggage, my idiosyncricities, my foibles - we all do and I don't think mine are any greater or lesser than most (or at least, some).
I honestly can say right now I'm single by choice. Are there times I question this choice? Sure, you bet. But, do I regret the choices made that got me to "single by choice"? Not at all. I am who I am and while I am single, I am not out looking, but rather I am open to the possibility. Another piece of advice from Gary the Elder Gay -- "Don't go looking for a boyfriend - nothing smells quite so bad as desperation! But always, always be open to possibility of that boyfriend finding you!"
So have I become that man yet? I don't know. I don't think its anything you suddenly realise you are, there is no check list, there's no graduation ceremony. I think its an on going process that only serves to help each of us become better, period and there's nothing wrong with that.
Here I remain, hoping I have become that man and open to the possibility of that man finding me.
***************************************************************
I give you now what inspired this post in the first place.
Give it a read.
So have I become that man yet? Have you?
1. I'm the guy who will put his head on your shoulder, not because he's sleepy, but because he wants to be closer to you.
2. I'm the guy who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant.
3. I'm the guy who says, "Ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you.
4. I'm the guy you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you.
5. I'm the guy who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms.
6. I'm the guy who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me.
7. I'm the guy who loves to end a hug with a kiss.
8. I'm the guy who you can talk to about anything.
9. I'm the guy who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one.
10. I'm the guy who will brag about you to all of my friends.
11. I'm the guy who will listen to you talk.
12. I'm the guy who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason.
13. I'm the guy who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.
14. I'm the guy who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us.
15. I'm the guy who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your boyfriend.
16. I'm the guy who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word.
17. I'm the guy who loves you to play with my hair.
18. I'm the guy who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have.
19. I'M THE GUY WHO ONCE I LET YOU INTO MY HEART, THERE'S ALWAYS A PLACE THERE W/ YOUR NAME ON IT. AND EVEN IF WE SPEND TIME APART, I'M THE GUY WHO NEVER FORGETS YOU!!
20. I'm the guy that notices the little things you do for me