Am I too judgmental of drug users?

[onetimething]

I think most people have pre-requisites of sorts when it comes to dating or hooking up with someone; certain non-negotiable qualities that another person has to either possess or not possess. For a long time, one of mine has been that I do not want to associate with people who do drugs. For the record, it is the illegality of drugs that makes me have the stance I have. I actually believe marijuana should be legalized, but as it's not right now, it makes me nervous to be potentially in a situation where there's an illegal activity. I know that some illegal activities are thought of as minor in American society that I have been around or been guilty of, like speeding or underaged drinking and some people place marijuana and drug use at those same levels, but I guess I place it a bit higher.

In the past, I was floored when I discovered the guy I lost my gay virginity to (well, I was the top, but still...) posting on Craig's List looking for cocaine and crystal meth. Shocked because we had met up many times and he didn't seem the type to me, as I guess I had/have stereotypical images of what a drug user is like, particularly someone who uses harder drugs. Then several months later, a similar discovery with another ex of sorts of mine whom again I saw online looking for crystal meth. Both of these guys were successful, well-educated, normal-looking guys, so I was just really surprised at the time and really unnerved by the fact that I DIDN'T know when I hooked up with them and saw no signs of it even in retrospect. I associated drugs, especially crystal meth and cocaine, with addiction, disease and danger.

When my boyfriend and I had been together for around three months, he and I had a conversation about drugs and he disclosed that he had tried most drugs several times (crystal meth, cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, etc.) but that it was several years ago, however, he still smokes pot. He thought it would just be a tiny revelation, but one that he wanted me to know about. I however was thrown through a bit of a loop. The past drug experimentation made me a big uneasy as they were harder drugs, but I figured it was in the past, but the current marijuana use made me nervous. He had stated at the onset of our relationship that he was "drug free". I was suddenly uncomfortable. On the one hand, I was annoyed that I didn't know at the onset. On the other hand, I thought that had I of known, I never would have even met up with him so I began questioning this non-negotiable policy as he's this terrific guy who just happens to smoke every once in awhile, and suddenly the idea of never getting to know him because of that seemed petty. Nevertheless, he knows that I don't approve, and I would rather he not do it, and he does not do it that frequently or ever around me.

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, in theory, but it is a status I have yet to take advantage of in the 1.5 years we've been together. However, recently I've started to become interested in trying anal sex again, something I put by the wayside several years ago due to frequently getting "stage fright". The bf has no interest in bottoming for me which means I am searching elsewhere to get this quench fulfilled, with his knowledge. That led me to a guy that I have been speaking to off and on for the past three weeks or so, usually in short emails to one another. Well, today we finally caught one another on Messenger and had a fantastic conversation for the better part of six hours! I found myself really drawn to him, both physically (I had seen his pic) and personality-wise and we sounded to have similar bedroom interests and I enjoyed the fact that he wanted to actually talk to me and get to know me a little rather than throw his legs up for the first guy that approached him, as I too have outgrown the age of random hookups.

Well, after our conversation, I was logged into a gay/sex dating site just browsing around when curiosity got the best of me and I decided to randomly plug in this guy's Yahoo screenname into the search engine, and lo and behold, he had a profile up. Not a huge surprise, but when I read his profile, a few things stuck out. Firstly, the profile was far more blunt and sexual than how he portrayed himself during conversation, but whatever, he's allowed to be horny. Secondly, under the "drugs" category, he stated that he uses them "socially". That really surprised me. He and I hadn't spoken about drugs in our convo, but he just didn't strike me as the type. Then curiosity lead me to one man's best friend and another's worst enemy.....Google, to see if there was any information on this guy. To my surprise, I discover a sordid story from his past, as he had been kicked out of a public service job after being arrested for driving while intoxicated and cocaine possession several years back. Apparently, it was quite the little scandal in the town he's from.

Now possessing this information, my opinion about him has changed. I really liked this guy, and now all of a sudden, all I can think of is his being potentially a cokehead. Then I question whether i'm being too harsh a judge. Does this change the fact that he's a witty and successful Ivy educated cute guy? No. By the same token though, I feel like especially given his past history, it does show something about a persons' character that they continue to use. And then I wonder again, if I'm just planning to hook up with this guy likely one time, should it really matter? I mean, if we use protection, what does it matter what this guy who I'm meeting for sex with once, does in his spare time?

After writing all of this, basically I'm just wondering if firstly, the drug use should deter me from meeting up with the above guy, and secondly if I'm overall too judgmental of drug users. I've never used any myself and don't think I would if they were legal. However, it seems like everyone on the internet, on gay boards, uses something. Then I find out at my job that this person and that person smokes pot, that this other person used to pick drugs for people on their lunch break, and it just has me wondering how many people do I consider normal and well-adjusted who recreationally use drugs and is it fair for me to judge so harshly for it?

 

[rareboy]

You should judge the person for all their qualities, not their drug use. Since it sounds like none of these people have tied you down and forced you to do drugs, they've been pretty respectful of your non-use.

So, I'm not sure why people have a double standard for drug use; ie getting shitfaced drunk, but decrying the use of marijuana, but some people do.

Having said this, a stoner is a stoner is a stoner; no different than an alcoholic.

It is somewhat sad that many guys can only have fun when they're under the influence of something. Their inhibitions and feelings of guilt seem to prevent enjoying real-time life without drugs.

So. Do what you gotta do. If drugs are a deal-breaker for you, then only go out with guys that don't do drugs. Simple.

But don't waste your time or energy judging people for their use.

 

[youngnihilist]

If you're going to hang around gay guys a lot, you'll have to deal with a lot of drug use. Oh well.

 

[spencer]

I think you should have the drug conversation early on so you're not so surprised with it afterwards.

There a dumb people that use drugs and there are intelligent people that use drugs (you can argue that, but that's a different thread). I look at people by how drugs are included in their lives. If they NEED it to have a good time = bad. If it interferes with their lives and goals = bad. If they hurt other people while on drugs = bad. While others are perfectly fine otherwise.

I also think if you're both tops and you're willing to try bottoming, should he try to be willing as well?

 

[CudDULL]

You seem surprised about this. I mean you can't judge a book by its cover and I'm sure everyone has a vice. I've done drugs before and I'm not any different than I was before. I don't condone the use of drugs but I know that not every drug user is a wreck going no where in life. I think you need to realize this too.

Don't expect the worse when you know someone uses drugs, they can have just as a normal life as you, as you have learned from experience with your boyfriend and etc.

But there are some baggage that comes with it and I know the legality of it makes you nervous so if it would bother you that much talk to them about it. As long as you aren't doing it and as long as you are not involved with the drug use then I don't see a problem with the relationship if they are considerate of your belief. Just try to be open minded, I mean sadly its more common than you think. Just like spencer said, there are dumb people that use drugs and there are smart people that use drugs. Sure that might sound like a oxymoron but people handle drugs differently.

 

[Affirmed]

You seem to have your own set of standards which is fine. I'm not a fan of drug use either.

I think the lifestyle that's generally associated with drug use though is something to be wary of though, especially when your own personal health comes in. I think when your own safety comes into the matter you can never be too safe.

 

[hotatlboi]

If you're going to hang around gay guys a lot, you'll have to deal with a lot of drug use. Oh well.

Um, there are plenty of gay guys who do not use drugs.

 

[palemale]

Some people do lots of drugs at one point, then stop. They "sow their wild oats" not only sexually, but by using (and abusing) drugs and alcohol, then stop. One is only an addict if one cannot stop. I've known plenty of people who have done hard drugs, including heroin, then decide, "ok, been there, done that, not interested anymore." You should worry about a guy if he is a current user and abuser, not a past user.

 

[More_guy2004]

No, you are not to judgmental. As you stated, illegal drug use is a crime; plain and simple. And the old proverbs "if you run with a skunk, you will smell like a skunk" comes in to play here. Whether that person is doing drugs now or not, it is the fact that they HAVE done them. And therefore they will always have that image and reputation. And, when people that know his past see you with him they will automatically assume you do the same type things he does. So you have to ask yourself , do you want that reputation among your peers and among the community? And trust me, I used to be involved in law enforcement. Once someone has a criminal record of any kind, or a run in with the law, they are watched from that day on, no matter how much they change. So, do you want to be under the scrutiny of the police simply because you are associated with this guy? Those are things you have to ask yourself.

I had a similar experience just this week. I met this guy at a friends house. He was gay, not bad looking , and a nice guy. BUT when I came home and did some research on him, I found out that he did time in prison for drugs and theft. So, regardless if he has changed or not, I want absolutely nothing to do with him, nor do I want him around me.

 

[Lube]

For the immediate question: For a one-time hookup, I think it's pretty much totally irrelevant, as long as he's not doing them while (or right before) you meet up. Who cares?

For a long term relationship, though, you have every right to make drug use a litmus test if you don't like them. Personally, I think a past history would not rule someone out. As someone else said, some people just go through a phase. If he has a history of quitting and restarting and quitting and restarting, though, I'd probably avoid him.

But everyone's different, as this thread shows.

 

[bounder]

I don't necessarily share the same sentiments as you but I will say this. If you are uncomfortable with someone because of what they do, then you are uncomfortable. You have the freedom to associate with whomever you want. If you don't like drugs, leave them and the people who do them alone and find someone who you are more compatible with.

 

[boiseboy]

Just so you know, a lot more people smoke weed than you think.


And holy shit, where do you live? Everyone you're around does crystal meth!

 

[stiletto]

Depends on the drugs, IMO.

Crack and meth aren't as cool in my books, same with opiates. They're typically the dead-end drugs. Perhaps fun to try once or twice, but generally pointless and tending to culminate in the form of self destructive habits. It's best not to even bother.

Weed is more benign, like coffee, but a bit worse.

Psychedelics are somewhat similar. They certainly throw you for a loop, but they're extremely difficult to abuse, and allow you to see/experience some rather interesting stuff that's pretty hard to experience otherwise. They can also open up your perceptual filters and awaken you to some harsh truths you may be repressing. Mostly because they amplify emotions, feelings, and experiences... if you're in an unhappy place in your life, you'll have an extremely unhappy trip bordering on hellish despair. That's one of a few reasons why they're so difficult to abuse. They don't make for a good escape, they make whatever problems you're having more pertinent, not less.

But they can also make you experience some far out shit such as a sense of global, transcendental empathy/oneness with the Universe, and other interesting things.

It also depends on the drug user. Many (unfortunately) are simply thrill-seeking scum. Others are far more enlightened about it and just see it as the proverbial sprinkles on top of the sundae of life.

I'd review it on a case by case basis, personally.

 

[fetaby]

I think most people have pre-requisites of sorts when it comes to dating or hooking up with someone; certain non-negotiable qualities that another person has to either possess or not possess. It would be considered crazy not to, at least by me. For a long time, one of mine has been that I do not want to associate with people who do drugs. Admirable. For the record, it is the illegality of drugs that makes me have the stance I have. I actually believe marijuana should be legalized, but as it's not right now, it makes me nervous to be potentially in a situation where there's an illegal activity. I know that some illegal activities are thought of as minor in American society that I have been around or been guilty of, like speeding or underaged drinking and some people place marijuana and drug use at those same levels, but I guess I place it a bit higher.

In the past, I was floored when I discovered the guy I lost my gay virginity to (well, I was the top, but still...) posting on Craig's List looking for cocaine and crystal meth. Saywhat! Shocked because we had met up many times and he didn't seem the type to me, as I guess I had/have stereotypical images of what a drug user is like, particularly someone who uses harder drugs. Then several months later, a similar discovery with another ex of sorts of mine whom again I saw online looking for crystal meth. Again! What? You must be a good one if the guys you leave behind turn to hard drugs to cope. jkjk Both of these guys were successful, well-educated, normal-looking guys, so I was just really surprised at the time and really unnerved by the fact that I DIDN'T know when I hooked up with them and saw no signs of it even in retrospect. I associated drugs, especially crystal meth and cocaine, with addiction, disease and danger. And you are right to do so, IMO.

When my boyfriend and I had been together for around three months, he and I had a conversation about drugs and he disclosed that he had tried most drugs several times (crystal meth, cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, etc.) but that it was several years ago, however, he still smokes pot. He thought it would just be a tiny revelation, but one that he wanted me to know about.Typical stoner attitude. Again jkjk. I however was thrown through a bit of a loop. The past drug experimentation made me a big uneasy as they were harder drugs, but I figured it was in the past, but the current marijuana use made me nervous. He had stated at the onset of our relationship that he was "drug free". Mansaidwhat? Boy lied to you. I was suddenly uncomfortable. On the one hand, I was annoyed that I didn't know at the onset. On the other hand, I thought that had I of known, I never would have even met up with him so I began questioning this non-negotiable policy as he's this terrific guy who just happens to smoke every once in awhile, and suddenly the idea of never getting to know him because of that seemed petty. He sounds like a good man that just didn't want his past to overshadow his future. It's possible he's not proud of the fact he did those harder drugs. Is it known to the people you meet your stance on drugs? Nevertheless, he knows that I don't approve, and I would rather he not do it, and he does not do it that frequently or ever around me.Well, you have yourself a gentleman stoner.

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, in theory, but it is a status I have yet to take advantage of in the 1.5 years we've been together. However, recently I've started to become interested in trying anal sex again, something I put by the wayside several years ago due to frequently getting "stage fright". The bf has no interest in bottoming for me which means I am searching elsewhere to get this quench fulfilled, with his knowledge. That led me to a guy that I have been speaking to off and on for the past three weeks or so, usually in short emails to one another. Well, today we finally caught one another on Messenger and had a fantastic conversation for the better part of six hours! I found myself really drawn to him, both physically (I had seen his pic) and personality-wise and we sounded to have similar bedroom interests and I enjoyed the fact that he wanted to actually talk to me and get to know me a little rather than throw his legs up for the first guy that approached him, as I too have outgrown the age of random hookups.

Well, after our conversation, I was logged into a gay/sex dating site just browsing around when curiosity got the best of me and I decided to randomly plug in this guy's Yahoo screenname into the search engine, and lo and behold, he had a profile up. Not a huge surprise, but when I read his profile, a few things stuck out. Firstly, the profile was far more blunt and sexual than how he portrayed himself during conversation, but whatever, he's allowed to be horny. Secondly, under the "drugs" category, he stated that he uses them "socially". That really surprised me. He and I hadn't spoken about drugs in our convo, but he just didn't strike me as the type. Then curiosity lead me to one man's best friend and another's worst enemy.....Google, to see if there was any information on this guy. To my surprise, I discover a sordid story from his past, as he had been kicked out of a public service job after being arrested for driving while intoxicated and cocaine possession several years back. Apparently, it was quite the little scandal in the town he's from.

Now possessing this information, my opinion about him has changed. I really liked this guy, and now all of a sudden, all I can think of is his being potentially a cokehead. Then I question whether i'm being too harsh a judge. Does this change the fact that he's a witty and successful Ivy educated cute guy? No. By the same token though, I feel like especially given his past history, it does show something about a persons' character that they continue to use. Scandalous, the internet is a terrible/beautiful thing, no? And then I wonder again, if I'm just planning to hook up with this guy likely one time, should it really matter? I mean, if we use protection, what does it matter what this guy who I'm meeting for sex with once, does in his spare time? That's a good look, but also consider that you won't just be having sex with him. You've gotten into his mind through the puter, but to actually meet him and bring your body into his presence invites him into your physical world. Are you prepared for that? What precautions will you take? Leave your wallet at home? Meet in a mutually agreed place? Take a taxi so he can't get your license plate number? There's more to think about than std's.

After writing all of this, basically I'm just wondering if firstly, the drug use should deter me from meeting up with the above guy,If not the drug use, the fact that he is misrepresenting himself to you. If he's not honest in the front, do you expect him to be honest in the middle, or on the way out? and secondly if I'm overall too judgmental of drug users. Yeah, you may have missed out on meeting some people and picking up some lingo. But what have you actually missed out on? Just going by your OP alone, it sounds like you have led an engaging, interesting life so far. No point in over analyzing it if your more or less happy and content. Your beliefs have held up and your a better person than most for sticking to your guns. I've never used any myself and don't think I would if they were legal. And you proved my point here. However, it seems like everyone on the internet, on gay boards, uses something. Yup, it does seem that way. But you are not alone in not doing drugs. Then I find out at my job that this person and that person smokes pot, that this other person used to pick drugs for people on their lunch break, and it just has me wondering how many people do I consider normal and well-adjusted who recreationally use drugs and is it fair for me to judge so harshly for it?

And here we go. It is important to know the difference between a drug user, and a drug abuser. The crashed into a tree high on cocaine guy from the internet, abuser. Your bf, user. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, but that's why you really got to learn as much about a person before making any decisions about them. Simply judging anyone right away, is really just another form of descrimination. And some people do need to be descriminated against. Not saying you should break up with bf cause he tokes up while your at work. Not saying you should befriend a serial killer cause he's really just a good guy deep down but has some problems and crack helps him deal with 'em. It really boils down to the individual and if they are gonna help or hinder you. Only you can know the answer to that.

 

[UC3543]

I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to drug use. I mean if they did drugs 5-10 years ago, that is OK, but if they are still doing anything lke that - I won't even consider dating them

 

[stiletto]

My issue with drug use how always been about how it effects the person. Now, I drink BUT I'm always responsible about it and I don't do it often.

So you can drink responsibly, but drug users can't use their respective poison of choice responsibly?

The other thing about alcohol is it's only a Depressant...it's slows motor function and impairs judgement.

Just a depressant? You realize a characteristic of depressants is inhibiting the peripheral nervous system (breathing, circulation, etc)

I mean, is heroin 'just a depressant'? I'm not saying alcohol is comparable to heroin, but come on. How many people have passed out and choked on their own vomit? 'Just a depressant?'...

I don't mean to say that alcohol is super bad for you, but being a depressant doesn't exactly classify it in the 'nice' category.

Also, it's quite neurotoxic... Or did you think drinking the waste products of yeasts is just no big deal? They're waste products, they're eliminated/excreted for a reason... because they're the useless byproducts of metabolism that kill the host organism if too much accumulates...

LSD, Cocaine, even simple Marijuana...they're Hallucinogens...

Cocaine sure isn't. And weed falls into more of a grey area. It can be classified as lots of things, all of them mild (ie: mild psychedelic, mild depressant, etc.)

they make the body and mind experience things that they normally would not. THAT is my hang up about those drugs. I was recently talking to a guy that used drugs to "see another dimension and hear what plants were telling him"...that is nothing a reasonable and capable mind should experience, ever.

So you've determined what the body should and shouldn't experience? Wow, I'd like to hear about your scientific background. And here I thought consciousness studies were still in their infancy.

You realize there are many parallels between psychedelic experiences and the experiences of highly advanced meditators. Many yogis have said something to that effect. It's basically a brief and artificial foray into a similar state that many of these spiritual masters experience regularly.

Note, they're not exactly the same thing, but they share many parallels... to the extent that it's pretty much the closest thing to it, barring some other naturally occurring religious experience.

Are you saying such states of consciousness that, say, Zen Masters experience should never be experienced? Really? And here I thought these practices were supposed to enhance our humanity and understanding of the Universe...

Our brains are plastic (look into neuroplasticity) Anything that they can experience is fair game. One's brain is literally rewiring itself every second of our lives. It's what it does, it's flexible, it adapts.

You have to do a lot better than saying "oh look, this is out of the norm" to support the argument that these things do any kind of harm. Our consciousness is incredibly fluid and adaptable, as any yogi or spiritual master could tell you (and now scientists, as well). A person who has decided to remain in the relative shallow end of the pool (judging by your over-emphasis on this dubious notion of 'reality' that you seem to cling to) makes me think that you're not qualified to judge what we should or should not experience as a species.

For you, fine, but there are plenty of vast new horizons to explore, which you sound as if you have zero interest in experiencing. Not just as far as psychedelics are concerned, but any state of consciousness outside of the norm.

They all have a lot to offer us as far as illuminating what it is to be human, as any spiritual person or mystic could tell you... Certainly much more so than alcohol.

So, I condemn Hallucinogenic drug use because it doesn't just alter the mind, drugs remove the mind from all reason.

You really don't know that. You know how I know that? Because it's flat out not true.

Why is alcohol different?

Because it dulls your mind into a stupor?

Because it's not a hallucinogen...it does alter mental function but only by slowing chemical and electrical signals, not making them cause a person to see things that don't rightfully exist in this world.

Yeah, you really don't know what you're talking about.

Note, I'm not saying that you should like psychedelics. Not at all.

However, you should make sure you're not just making blind and ignorant statements before broadcasting a speculative opinion as fact.

 

[BAMA32]

Stiletto's first comment above...In agreement with such a question.

One of my best friends is an active drug user. I don't condone it, but, he has under just as much control as I do my drinking. He's not doing it before work, he's not wrecking his relationship with his gf, he's not a horrible friend (he's one of the most dependable i've ever had). And he's not hurting me or anyone else by doing it (only his own health, which is his choice then).

So, who am I to judge or criticize. I drink, but I do it responsibly. So, to cut him out because he does drugs, I'd lose a great friend.

I've never dated a drug user, but if I found out later on that it was happening but everything seemed well under control anyway it wouldn't be a big deal to me. It's when it becomes an external problem that I'd have an issue.