Am I unappreciative?

[openthedark]

I have found a guy that I really like. We are dating each other exclusively, and it is possible that I may be able to have a future with him, although there are some difficult issues that bother me. That aside:

I am in my early twenties and only recently decided to start actually going out there and meeting men. I am closeted and until a few months ago was always too nervous or uncomfortable or worried too much about how things would work out and just kept to myself. A few months ago I decided that I needed to try some new things that I was not comfortable doing - meeting guys- because I was getting depressed with my situation. Anyway, it turns out that the first guy I met is my current bf.

But sometimes I feel something which makes me wonder if I am just being an unappreciative jerk. I think my bf is cute, but he's not someone I would call "my type" normally. He doesn't get my fire going, so to speak, and sometimes I feel a little resentful because he has slept with many, many, many guys, while I haven't been with any. (I fooled around with one friend a few times.) Sometimes I feel like before I settle down, I want to try being with a few different kinds of guys, and wonder what it is like to be in bed with someone I feel a very strong attraction towards. I feel that if I had already 'been around the block,' I wouldn't have as much of a problem with my bf right now, but feel like for him, he's fine because he's already done it all and is ok being with just me.

I'm not saying I want to be very promiscuous and sleep around, just that if I stay with just one guy now and never try anything else I will always wonder and feel slightly resentful. But my relationship has progressed to the point where I don't want to lose him and he does not want an open relationship. Neither do I, I'm just saying that that is not really an option. Even if I did want one, suggesting that would hurt him now. We've already broached similar topics and he says he is happy and satisfied with me, and I don't want to tell him that I'm not. And sometimes I do feel satisfied with just him. I know that if we broke up and I was able to sleep around, it might satisfy some of my curiosity but the end result would be that I would regret losing him and ultimately be lonely.

Are my desires valid or should I just be happy that I found a guy I like after one try?

 

[openthedark]

Why are you resentful it sounds really shallow and self-involved. His previous sexual experience has ZERO to do with you, so you cannot resent him for something not his fault.

Well I said I feel resentful, but not resentful towards him. Resentful towards the situation maybe, but I do not hold it against him. Feeling this way does make me feel like I'm being shallow, which is why it is bothering me.

You obviously are not ready to settle down at all and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to be honest with him and just tell him you want to continue dating/fucking other guys but want to keep dating him mainly if he's willing. I doubt he'll be keen on this idea and will likely dump you, but you're fooling yourself thinking you're ready for a steady, monogamous, commitment to someone/anyone currently.

The thing is that I do want to settle down and be in a relationship. I don't want to be sleeping around. I know this sounds conflicting but I feel like it's just something I have to get out of my system and then I'll be over it. But the timing was bad (?) and I got straight into a relationship with my first foray into the dating world.

 

[hotatlboi]

IMO, men are undatable until around age 30.

I find this comment incredibly retarded.

There are many younger guys in monogamous relationships.

Age is just a number. I agree with you in the general premise that you need a certain amount of maturity to be in a stable relatitionship, but this occurs at all different ages for different people and for many certainly well before 30. There is no age rule that says when someone is ready to be in a relationship.

 

[hotatlboi]

Meh. You're 24 and not out of the closet yet if I remember correctly. One day you'll get it.

This has nothing to do with me personally, so I don't appreciate the condescension. I will never "get" that you need to be 30 before you date people. That is absurd, and I will continue to find it so regardless of how old I am.

And if it matters to you that much, I'm out to everyone I need to be right now.

What I said has nothing to do with monogamy or being in a relationship.

You said men aren't datable until they are 30. I assumed by "date" you meant a monogamous arrangement. If not, please clarify what you meant.

It's about being comfortable with who you are, or comfortable in your own skin. Some hit that stage a little sooner, some a little later, and some never at all.

I can agree with that, but for many people this occurs well before 30, which makes your statement "men are virtually undatable until around age 30" complete bullshit.

 

[Titanic]

I know exactly what you're talking about openthedark, I'm in almost exactly the same situation. Recently out, newly dating, currently going out with my first boyfriend, having lots of doubts. Like you, I'm happy, but I'm never sure quite how happy I am.

With me it's not a matter of attraction, but love. I feel I'm in love, but until you've been with other men I'll never be able to appreciate just how special my man is. Perhaps I'm just happy with him simply because I'm with someone, but then again he could be my absolute perfect boyfriend.

Either way, the difficulty is that you can't afford to break up a relationship over this because it's not something that you can switch on and off. To me it seems like you'll just have to decide for yourself how happy you are with him, and whether you want to take the risk of ending it.

 

[rareboy]

Your relationship is doomed.

Let him go so he can get on with his life and you with yours.

If he doesn't occupy every nook and cranny of your being at this point, he isn't the one.

So please. For both your sakes. End it.

 

[aijalon18]

I have to slightly disagree with the 30 thing as well. I think 30 is when men are suited for serious relationships if and only if they come out in their late teens or early 20s. When someone comes out of the closet has a huge impact on their emotional/relationship maturity. IMO your realy dating life doesnt begin until you come out. So many guys who come out in their 30s but act like teenage girls when it comes to relationships.

But on to the boy with the problem. I think your bf is being slightly unreasonable by being completely against your relationship being open. Open relationships can take many forms. You can set the guidelines to work best for your situation. You could have it so you have sex with other guys together. But he knows you have limited sexual experience and as someone who has had tons, as you have put it, he doesnt want to give you that same liberty. I think he's being a bit unfair and selfish.

He's ran around, fucked all these guys and sewn his wild oats but now wants to settle down with someone who's practically a virgin. I think if he truly loved and respected you as a person and you discussed it with him, he should let you experiment a bit with you sexuality like he did.

P.S. Just out of curiousity how old is your bf?

 

[justapixel]

His previous sexual experience has ZERO to do with you, so you cannot resent him for something not his fault.

They are your feelings and you can be resentful if you want.

Your feeling are something you can not control.

 

[KaraBulut]

But sometimes I feel something which makes me wonder if I am just being an unappreciative jerk. I think my bf is cute, but he's not someone I would call "my type" normally. He doesn't get my fire going, so to speak....

Here's a dumb question: Why are you with him then?

...and sometimes I feel a little resentful because he has slept with many, many, many guys, while I haven't been with any. (I fooled around with one friend a few times.) Sometimes I feel like before I settle down, I want to try being with a few different kinds of guys, and wonder what it is like to be in bed with someone I feel a very strong attraction towards. I feel that if I had already 'been around the block,' I wouldn't have as much of a problem with my bf right now...

This "I want to see what's out there and experiment" thing always sounds good. But when it's tied to "..I wouldn't have as much of a problem with my bf right now" it begins to sound a little weaker.

OK. I'll say "Yes, go experiment".

Now, you tell me how many guy do you need before you solve your bf problems?

One?
Ten?
One hundred?
Five hundred?
Five hundred and one?

 

[orem244]

First of all, don't listen to the people giving you a hard time. Most of the people that give advice on this board come from an older demographic, meaning they are from a background that makes it hard for them to sympathize with this kind of dilemma.

The truth, though, (coming from someone who went through this exact same situation a couple years ago), is that this is a very common dilemma faced by young couples. The question you have to ask yourself is: would you be happy spending the rest of your life with this guy? If the answer is no (which from the sounds of things, it is), then you're not doing him or you any favors by prolonging this relationship. You need to tell him that you simply won't be happy settling down with anyone under the current circumstances, and that even though he's a great guy, it's not fair to him to be involved with someone who isn't ready for a commitment.

 

[hotatlboi]

Maybe, just maybe those "older" people have seen, and been through enough failed relationships and actually have experience with this very problem to know what the hell they are talking about instead of some internet porn glorification of what sex and relationships are all about.

It's common knowledge that wisdom comes with age, but what you are forgetting is that EVERYONE is different. Just because it took you until age 30 or whenever to have a successful relationship does not mean that is a rule that applies to everyone else.

 

[orem244]

Maybe, just maybe those "older" people have seen, and been through enough failed relationships and actually have experience with this very problem to know what the hell they are talking about instead of some internet porn glorification of what sex and relationships are all about.

We actually generally agree on what we're telling him to do. I was just addressing you calling him "shallow and self-involved" (and other people making similar derogatory comments). My point is that these issues come up on a regular basis in young relationships and don't mean that the OP is a bad person for feeling that way. Guilt-tripping really isn't necessary.

 

[KaraBulut]

......

 

[CudDULL]

I'll give you my own personal opinion and advice.

I think you reasons are valid.

You are young and you might feel like you aren't sexually experience compared to others in your age. You probably want to go out and try these things and meet all these different types of guys that you find attractive. Once that is out of your system I'm sure you will find a guy that you can settle with for the right reasons.

I'm basically going through the same thing. After my first boyfriend which I loved and still friends with, I decided that dating wasn't for me yet. I was still inexperienced and i still wanted to find out what I wanted in a partner so i just met guys that caught my attention and explored sexually with them. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm young and I don't think I'm meant to stayed tied down to one person when other things could be passing by.

I have no idea whats other there but I sure do wanna find out. Being single gives me that friend to find that person once I'm ready.

 

[TX-Beau]

I have found a guy that I really like. We are dating each other exclusively, and it is possible that I may be able to have a future with him, although there are some difficult issues that bother me. That aside:

I am in my early twenties and only recently decided to start actually going out there and meeting men. I am closeted and until a few months ago was always too nervous or uncomfortable or worried too much about how things would work out and just kept to myself. A few months ago I decided that I needed to try some new things that I was not comfortable doing - meeting guys- because I was getting depressed with my situation. Anyway, it turns out that the first guy I met is my current bf.

But sometimes I feel something which makes me wonder if I am just being an unappreciative jerk. I think my bf is cute, but he's not someone I would call "my type" normally. He doesn't get my fire going, so to speak, and sometimes I feel a little resentful because he has slept with many, many, many guys, while I haven't been with any. (I fooled around with one friend a few times.) Sometimes I feel like before I settle down, I want to try being with a few different kinds of guys, and wonder what it is like to be in bed with someone I feel a very strong attraction towards. I feel that if I had already 'been around the block,' I wouldn't have as much of a problem with my bf right now, but feel like for him, he's fine because he's already done it all and is ok being with just me.

I'm not saying I want to be very promiscuous and sleep around, just that if I stay with just one guy now and never try anything else I will always wonder and feel slightly resentful. But my relationship has progressed to the point where I don't want to lose him and he does not want an open relationship. Neither do I, I'm just saying that that is not really an option. Even if I did want one, suggesting that would hurt him now. We've already broached similar topics and he says he is happy and satisfied with me, and I don't want to tell him that I'm not. And sometimes I do feel satisfied with just him. I know that if we broke up and I was able to sleep around, it might satisfy some of my curiosity but the end result would be that I would regret losing him and ultimately be lonely.

Are my desires valid or should I just be happy that I found a guy I like after one try?

First off feelings aren't valid or invalid, they just are and there's a reason you're feeling them. Actions however, you're responsible for.

Yeah, I’m going to go with a somewhat different take on this. You’re in the closet, you met a guy because you were “getting depressed with your situation,” you went with that option – even though he’s “not your type,” and you have some “difficult issues that bother you,” and you feel “resentful” of his greater experience. But you don’t want to let him go, and you want an open relationship.

First. This isn’t about him’ if he doesn’t want an open relationship that’s perfectly valid. You don’t have to stay in this relationship if you want one.

Just from what I’ve read, I don’t think you want an open relationship. I think you want out. I think he’s your portal guy. Your first foray into gay relationships, he’s not the guy you actually want, but he’s the guy you found, and you don’t want to let him go because that means you landing right back at “getting depressed with your situation.”

A lot of guys mistake wanting to have a boyfriend with wanting the boyfriend they have – and you’re not out, there’s no long term potential anyway with guys who aren’t out. You need to work on that first.

Aside from that, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to play around, especially when you’re young. Most of us did that. But you don’t get to decide for the other guy that you have an open relationship, and if he won’t agree, either you stay monogamous, or you leave.

If you already feel resentment, after “a few months,” you need to re-evaluate this relationship.

 

[rareboy]

I repeat...

Your relationship is doomed.

Let him go so he can get on with his life and you with yours.

If he doesn't occupy every nook and cranny of your being at this point, he isn't the one.

So please. For both your sakes. End it.