Am I wrong? Is he wrong?

[kyless85]

I met this guy a few weeks ago, and in general he is everything I've ever looked for in a guy, btw he's incredibly hot, we always joke the guys on Bel Ami have got nothing on us. The problem is I feel i'm not as important to him as he is to me, he says he feels the other way around. When I first met him I told him I was not interested in a relationship, but he said that was what he was looking for, so after much thinking I decided to give it a try, but i'm not willing if I don't sense the same level of commitment from him.

He is very sweet and a very good guy, but in the few time I've known him (less than a month) he's failed me more than three times, we make plans and then he has to cancel for some reason. I never make plans if i'm not sure i'll be able to be there, and he doesn't understand if I get mad. I tell him I understand if he can't see me, but that I'd rather not make plans with him unless he's sure he'll be there. I also feel that if he was interested enough he'd do anything to see me, I've told my friends lies to go see him, but i'm not sure he'd do the same. Besides I feel like he'd rather go to the gym than see me. He says he would anything, and that he has proven he likes me very much in this time, and he really really wants to keep trying with me, but I now don't know what I want.

I honestly don;t believe he's got bad intentions, I mean we could've been fuck buddies and that would have been fine by me, but he's the one that insisted in starting something more. I don't know, maybe i'm not open to this relationship working or something. Oh and btw I've told him all of this and he doesn't agree, he says I just focus on the bad stuff, and we should be enjoying this. But I don't feel like i'm enjoying much, this most of the times ruins it for me.

Finally, sorry I know this is long, I have always been a very easy going person, I never have fights with anybody, but nothing gets on my nerves as much as this is, and I had never cared as much as I do now.

 

[USEDCAR]

You ruined it when you told him you wasn't looking for a relationship

 

[kyless85]

but almost since the beginning I made it clear for him I was

 

[SilverRRCloud]

You ruined it when you told him you wasn't looking for a relationship

Nope. You did not ruin anything.

First off, you were honest and truthful. You were not looking for a relationship. And you said so. You did not say, you were not going to see him, have sex with him and be friends with him (with or without benefits). A dude must be able to live with that.

Second, you respect your time and your commitments. (That is a great trait in a guy and deserves utmost respect.) He does not. Judgining by your description, he is one of those 'all around great guys', who does as he pleases and whenever he pleases to do so, regardless of his previous committments. He is far too hot to care anyway. If he suddenly feels like hitting the gym or chillin' out with his other friends, or sleeping in, or whatever, that's what he is going to do. His previous promises to you or to anyone else do not really matter. He is sooo hot, he'll find new friends and new BFs with ease and in no time. So, you really do not matter that much, do you? And no one else matters much either.

Third, you very rightly say, if a dude wants to meet up with his prospective 'bf', no matter, how busy he might be, he'll find the time to meet up. Nothing will ever stop him, if he really wants to do that.

My advice: drop him ASAP and do not ever look back. He is not your BF material at this stage and in all likelihood, it'll take him a long time to become one. You do not want to waste your life waiting for him to grow up and mature to the point of recognizing that other people and their schedules deserve his respect. His type of dude is best dealt with in present tense with simple txts: 'dude, I am going home in 20 min. and will have an hour break. If you want some, get it 10-11 in my bedroom'. He'll get the message and make a bee-line to your bedroom, if he wants some bel-ami action there. If not, he'll be hitting his gym anyway.

In other words, reduce him to an adjunct and a function of your free-time and possible needs, if and when these show up. Planning anything ahead with him, especially any sort of common future is most likely completely futile.

SC

 

[LeoMikey]

Not to be cold, but just flat out dump him. Don't listen to him if he starts in on how he wants to be with you, just end it quick and clean. I've dated guys who pulled this shit. They want a boyfriend, but they can't grasp the concept of what a relationship is. Yes, i understand that he's "hot", but that only matters for a short time.
Just the fact that you have second thoughts, and are seeking out our advice, means that something is not right. Go with your gut feelings, this guy is a waste of time! Imagine if you did have a serious relationship with him? You can't make him change, and even if he eventually did get a clue, you would be so fed with him it would drive you insane.
This guy is nothing more than a one-night stand, or a fuck buddy. You are surely not the first guy he hurt, nor the last. Judge Judy said it best: "Pretty is temporary, but stupid lasts forever!"
Something else might also happen when you tell him you're not interested: he'll suddenly want you. This guy probably isn't used to rejection. Don't listen to his sweet talk, just be on you're merry gay way.

 

[Eeyore]

You left out somewhat important details: What reasons does he give for having to cancel plans with you? Is it just because he decides he'd rather not do anything, or does he have a genuine reason where he can't make it? Sometimes life gets in the way of what we really want.

You said you've only known him for around a month, so it's possible he's just having an "off" month. Even so, you've only known him for a month, so you can't exactly expect him to drop everything and completely rearrange his life for someone he doesn't really know all that well.

Maybe I'm reading into things wrong, but it sure seems to me, that for someone who didn't want a relationship in the first place, you have a very strict definition of what's going to work for you and what's not. Another thing is the lying to your friends to see him. That, once again, seems as though you're trying a little too hard, try to ease up a little.

The worst thing you can do early on in a relationship is rush things. Take things slow, and if you can't spend a lot of time together now, don't sweat it too much. Just let things happen as they will. You're both still in the process of making space for the other in your lives, all the while trying to figure out if that's even what you want.

Talk things over with him. If you're the type of person who needs things to be planned out in advance, and don't like to deviate from the schedule and he is more spontaneous (and not just running into a streak of bad luck) you'll have to figure out if it's worth it to you to work through your differences, or if it's not worth it you. There's no point in trying to make things work if you're not going to be happy, but don't convince yourself you won't be happy too soon or you may end up regretting letting him go.

 

[KaraBulut]

You ruined it when you told him you wasn't looking for a relationship

Nope. You did not ruin anything.

My advice: drop him ASAP and do not ever look back.

There, in 2 sentences is the best response I can give you.

You're kinda-sorta-somewhat dating a narcissist.

Run. Run. Far away.

 

[G-Lexington]

It sounds like he has no problem being in a relationship with you so long as it doesn't mean altering his life one iota. And that's not a relationship in my book. A relationship involves taking the other person aboard, and taking him into consideration. He obviously isn't interested in that.

Who's "right"? Does it matter? Whether you're right, he's right, you're both right, or you're both wrong...you still got the same guy, and you still got the same problem. This guy obviously isn't interested in you all that much. It's up to you to decide if his hotness is worth maknig the attempt to drag him over to your way of thinking. Chances are it isn't.

Lex

 

[kyless85]

Thanks very much everyone, but you see the problem is I had never met anyone like him, and not to brag, but i'm pretty sure he's never met anyone like me, I know his story, plus he's never been in a relationship, just once long ago. His reasons for canceling plans are genuine, but still, I know if he really wanted too, he'd be there. But he's really sweet, and he's always texting me and stuff.

AAAAHHH this is so hard, fuck him haha. He called me a while ago, I was asleep, we kinda had a discussion yesterday, before we went to sleep. Thank you very much for the suggestions, I'll probably do what you say, but it'll hurt a lot.

 

[kyless85]

Plus I'm still confused, he could've chosen the no-relationship path, and be my fuckbuddy, but he insists on a relationship.

Why are guys so complicated!!!

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Plus I'm still confused, he could've chosen the no-relationship path, and be my fuckbuddy, but he insists on a relationship. Why are guys so complicated!!!

I'm sorry - weren't you the guy who stated at the outset that you had no interest in a relationship, but almost immediately changed your mind and said you did? He's probably thinking the same thing about you.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm sorry - weren't you the guy who stated at the outset that you had no interest in a relationship, but almost immediately changed your mind and said you did? He's probably thinking the same thing about you

You may be dating your own mirror image. Life has a way of giving us a taste of our own medicine sometimes.

 

[kyless85]

I spoke with him today. I told him what I didn't like, we never agreed about the source of our problems. In the end, I told him I needed time, he was really silent after that, and didn't look me in the eyes anymore, he then sent a message saying "thanks for this birthday present" (obviously sarcasm, btw he was sad cause i didn't go to his birthday party this weekend, but i just couldn't go, I was someplace else, drunk and couldn't drive, plus I was angry at him). I answered him nicely and the he answered "I just can't get used to the idea of not seeing you anymore"... damn i feel bad, i really like him, but he's impossible sometimes. I love him, then I hate him, and this stresses me very much.

No one had ever meant as much as he does.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Kyless85,

Mate, being in a relationship takes work. It takes honesty and selflessness. It takes compromise and commitment, and honestly you both need to think long and hard about whether or not you have the desire and passion to make this work.

Right now theres 2 guys in love with the IDEA of a relationship. Theres no doubt that you care for him and you are genuine in your emotions and confusion. You're a guy whos trying to understand himself let alone another... and thats ok... life is full of lessons.

But you need to be sure in yourself that you are ready. And then you need to be sure that your friend knows that this will take compromise and commitment too.

Because mate, the day you decide to try a realtionship, you deserve it to be with someone who loves you, cares for you, trusts you and respects you. You deserve nothing less than someone whos willing to give it all up for you. Because if you are serious you would do the same for him... and the real key to a relationship lasting is knowing that neither of you will ever have to.

But until you know that you can do that... until you are positive he will do the same... you will need to keep this guy at arms length, because he will hurt you because he wont understand your commitment or be able to make his own.

And you mate, dont deserve that after the soul searching you will have done, the risk you will have taken. You deserve far far better than that.

 

[rareboy]

Dear Lord.

I think you two really are made for each other.

It sounds more like you both are in love with the drama you think is required by being in a relationship than a relationship itself.

I don't see a relationship here of any kind. I just see two kids who are playing mind games with one another.

 

[racer2438]

you planted the seed that you did not want a relationship. But you may not be ready yet for a LTR and he was. you ave to decide together if this is what you guys want now or later on. But if it is later, one of you may not be available as they have moved on.

From this is the problem. so if you asked who's wrong or right.

You were wrong in at first. But you can correct it if you want to. have a good long talk as to what ea of you want out this. Clarify the issue, you never know if he may be the one that got away and you let it.