Welcome to the gray area! I'm in a similar position myself, and it can be tricky to tell what is you really want once you cross a certain line. You can't really tell what you're ready to do with a partner from what type of visual stimulus you use alone.
Having some social issues that make it hard for me to make connections, I've spent most of my time with magazines, videos, and now the computer screen. Over the years, I've needed to ramp it up periodically when the same old stuff lost some of it's "punch". Because I've always been accepting of the various forms of sexuality, and because I seem to need my porn to have a certain "audacity" to it, I eventually decided to see if I could get anything out of gay porn. It was more hit and miss at first, but there was something there. Eventually it went into the rotation, and during the last couple years had been coming up more often.
Late summer last year, in one of those moods, I found a new site that had stronger stuff than I had seen before, and it kind of blew the doors off. I felt like I was into on a whole new level. At that point I thought I had crossed over completely, but it was all still just a porn fueled fantasy area. The "fever" faded, and when it did, I realized there were still some key differences between what I was doing and truly being gay.
In the right circumstances, I would definitely like to try some real contact, but those circumstances are pretty specific. The fact that I'm most attracted to what you might call "girly boys" says that I'm more somewhere in the middle. I also can't really picture myself in a domestic relationship with a man, which is a big test of whether you're "gay" or just "play". I challenged myself last October to go a full year only using gay porn. That proved to be not much of a challenge. I'm still into it for now, but I still don't honestly feel I would get into a gay relationship. If it's it's just a porn preference thing, that's fine. You can be whatever you feel like in your head, but should be honest in someone else's bed.
To me it sounds like you're in a similar position. There's nothing wrong with indulging yourself in an "anything goes"
type of personal fantasy, other than the identity crisis problems it can bring up. At those times, pull back and look at the big picture of what motivates you. Sure, the societal stigma associated with fully being gay can cause you to not give it a fair consideration.
I'm sure it's common for guys to try to steer themselves toward their straight side, because you're taught the world will think better of you for getting with the program. The current climate may be the most accepting the world's ever been, but there's still a long way to go and the closet is still pretty crowded.
