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an ethics question, opinions sought

ixthrock

ixthrock

radical faerie
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I have made a new friend. He's smart, funny, and has oodles of old world charm (think regency as opposed to victorian), is an excellent conversational partner, and is not unattractive at all despite being a tad roundish and very self-conscious about it. He's quite unabashedly feminine and is close to my age. He has a partner who is very much older and in a debilitated condition. My friend has given me to understand that he does not expect his partner to live another year, and would enjoy it if I "hit on" him ("him" being my friend, not the partner).

I consider myself to have neither the luxury nor the arrogance to say anyone is "not my cup of tea," especially someone with all the attractive features my friend seems to possess. I am also postive, and comfortable expressing, that I am not really "relationship ready," in terms of anything other than close friendship (with the possible occasional benefit)

All that being said, here is the situation: My car broke down in front of his house (during which visit he asked for and recieved my e-mail address), and was there for over a day, during which I had a family emergency (mortality scare with granny) and had to go out of town for a couple of days (to lend support to her primary caregiver, my mother). When I got back into town, there was a message on my voicemail from him asking me not to check my e-mail, and if I happened to wander into it, to please ignore the messages from him and, if possible, to delete them unread. I immediately called him, and asked him about the messages. The only thing he said regarding them was that he "was being a 14-year-old girl" and did not want me to see that, and reiterated his request that I delete them unread.

I haven't even checked my e-mail yet, much less read the messages. The answer to the ethical question should be obvious, but I'm intensely curious. What do you think I should do? What would YOU do?
 
Wow, that is a tricky one.

After some carefull thought.................honestly, I would delete them.
 
I would read the emails...if they are nasty and mean, then you know what to do.
 
I would open them. If he acts like an immature 14 year old, better to find out now. The fact that he stayed with his ill partner does show maturity, but it's your decision.
 
I'd read them because you don't know this guy very well (I think) so therefore you don't owe him special treatment. If he was a close friend or relative then no.
 
You could move them to another folder. Once you get to know the guy a little better you can then decide if you want to read them or delete them.
 
Well if you read them, it would be in your conscience and having a guilty conscience is not good for you or the relationship you will have with this man. you should definitely delete them without reading them at all, curiousity kills the cat.
 
I would take 14 year old girl to mean not that he was being catty but rather that he was being sappy and missing you and crushing on you...and then felt guilty about his affection because of his partner. I think i would read them...
 
Send message first; think it through second, sounds to me like bad judgment. If he didn't want you to read this stuff, he had no business sending it to you. I don't think you're obliged to delete what was obviously his stupidity.
 
I would read them. I'm sure you could just tell him you didn't. You'd go to hell, but thats besides the point ;)
 
Tell him that you're going to read them and then give him the opportunity to explain himself afterwards... like an adult.
 
I still haven't checked my e-mail; I'm still considering but I'm strongly attached to the idea of not reading them. Thanks, everyone, for your responses so far.

RationalLunacy said:
Forward them to me. I'll read them.
Click to expand...
You know, this idea REALLY appeals to my screwy sense of humour, and I'm tempted. I have a very sensitive funny bone, and a taste for the absurd and irreverent, so any appeals to that have a good chance of success. However, I will pass due to 2 reasons:
1) They might contain sensitive information of a nature inappropriate to share with an online acquaintance (however respected), and
2) I would like to introduce my friend to JUB; as awkward as this thread might seem to him, it's nothing to be bothered by. I could, however, understand if he were bothered by me forwarding the e-mails to you, RL. You get triple extra bonus points anyway, for skewering my wit so accurately

mega said:
You could move them to another folder. Once you get to know the guy a little better you can then decide if you want to read them or delete them.
Click to expand...
That's an excllent idea, mega.

I do, of course, worry that they say stuff to the effect of "There are bits of the paperboy in our fridge, and he's delicious with bechamel sauce. P.s. we've decided you're next" Okay, that's extreme and silly, but you can interpolate. Basically, I'm agreeing with
rotary said:
If he acts like an immature 14 year old, better to find out now.
Click to expand...

Eftergivende, I'm pretty sure he's not stupid, but he's admitted to having been very sheltered. He's facing a very extraordinary life change, and I'm sure he's terrified in a lot of ways and not bound to think everything through. Apparently, for years, his partner supported him, and they traveled extensively. Now, the shoe is on the other foot and their "means" have become much more modest to boot. (i.e., he's poor like me now, but I gather this wasn't always the case) Very soon, he will be single for the first time in many, many, years - and he feels totally undesirable.

Again, thanks for all the great responses, guys - I thought it would be a good quandry to share.
 
simon has the right idea

read them and let him know that you did

what if he sent you a bunch of horny love letters and now regrets it? it may not be that he is trying to hide something bad, just something that makes him feel vulnerable.
 
Andreus said:
simon has the right idea

read them and let him know that you did

what if he sent you a bunch of horny love letters and now regrets it? it may not be that he is trying to hide something bad, just something that makes him feel vulnerable.
Click to expand...
Update. I just got off the phone with him, and told him about JUB, and this thread. Now I'm feeling really vulnerable, so, I guess we're even. I'm worried that he's going to be upset/angry/insulted by some of the things I've said here, like, maybe feel that I've totally misunderstood him, or revealed too much personal information unfairly to a bunch of strangers.

I sill haven't checked my e-mail.
 
I think the request is unfair. No matter what you do, the fact that he wrote the emails is going to change your relationship with him. If it were me, I would read the emails, because wondering what they contained would be far more damaging to the relationship. You may be different. I also think he probably wants you to read them, but if afraid of your reaction. If you do read them, you should let him know you read them and discuss them with him.
 
If you want to continue a friendship with him, then you need to delete the e-mails.
 
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