An ever so slight step out of the closet…(long read)

[Ambition92]

I'm hoping this will act as an introduction of sorts to you all. As many before me, I've lurked around these forums for a while before mustering up the courage to actually make an account and post something. This post isn't really a dilemma and I'm not asking for anyone's advice. Instead this is something that I personally needed to say and share.

So, how about a little about myself? I'm a 21 year-old college college student in my final year and I identify as bisexual. I can almost hear the groans coming through my computer screen. When I was younger I absolutely loved women and didn't take a second look at a guy until middle school. Gym changing rooms and that sort of thing…Anyways, I've had my fair share of crushes on girls leading up to this day. I look at guys as almost a guilty pleasure, but because I'm in the closet it makes it difficult to meet any guys unless I'm on a dating website…which as we all know doesn't always (if ever) work out. Especially for a guy in the closet (groan #2). I know that right now in my life I'm not ready to fully come out. There would just be too many changes. Some good, a lot bad. I'm sure I'll get there eventually. In fact, I believe I'm already on my way.

That brings me to this past Monday. My friend and I had just finished a final presentation for one of our classes and we had two hours in between the next class. We decided to hang out near a coffee shop on campus. Did I mention that this is also a girl I currently have a bit of a crush on? No, okay, well now you know. She's just a really cool girl. We share a very similar sense of humour, share interests (i.e., tv shows, movies, etc…) and we always seem to have very good one-on-one conversations. With that said, this was also the day that Tom Daily came out as bisexual. My friend had quite the crush on Mr. Daily so I had teased her about this throughout the day. Somehow she ended up telling me that our mutual friend (also a girl) thought I might be gay because I have "gay tendencies". Much to my surprise I pressed the issue since I always considered myself to be fairly masculine. It turned out it's mostly because I'm good with certain accents (why that correlates with me being gay, I do not know) and apparently I do a "gay" accent very well (I'm likely just imitating Bruce from Family Guy).

Anyhow, the subject once again turned to the point of her straight up asking me if I was gay, to which I said "no". She then asked if I would ever be with a guy. I took a moment to answer until I eventually said something along the lines of "I don't know what the future holds. I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to know when a guy is handsome or good looking. I wouldn't want to shut the door on anything like that." She then said "So if the right guy comes along…" and I affirmatively shook my head. She did a good job at comparing my answer to Josh Hutcherson's. And while she doesn't know to the full extent of which I am attracted to men, I felt gratified that I even took the chance to admit that I could be interested in a relationship with a guy. Hence, taking an ever so slight step out of the closet.

I apologize for a bit of a long read, and I understand that it might be considered kind of a silly thing to be proud of when I still have a long way to go before I'm ready to openly live a lifestyle where I might end up with a boyfriend. Even so, this past Monday was a realization for me that it was time to take the next step. I think being more involved on this website is a step in the right direction. I can hopefully meet and network with people on this website. I can continue to read inspirational stories that will give me to courage to take one step closer toward being open with myself and others. I'll never be one to openly advertise my sexual preferences, but I want to get to the point where if I'm asked then I can tell the truth. Not only that, but I want to become more active in the LGBT community if even only in an online presence.

Thanks for reading and I hope this wasn't a bore. Here's to the first of many posts (hopefully!)

 

[bruce379]

That was a great read. Thanks for sharing!

So what if gay guys hate you for being bisexual. Tell those hypocrites to fuck off. As much as they hate being discriminated by straight people, they are in to position to discriminate against you. Hopefully you can tell some of your exploits from time to time. Inquiring minds love to know

 

[Rickrock]

Thanks for posting. I'm sixty-eight and still mostly in the closet. In my time it wasn't possible to come out and since being gay was considered something bad, I was in self denial as well because I knew I wasn't bad. I was probably beginning to accept that I was gay when I was in my forties, but could have still lost my job if I acted on it at that time. Now, at my age, it hardly matters anymore. I have told an old friend and a stranger, but that is about all, although I think that many people suspect, but it isn't brought up. Welcome to JUB.

 

[Kyanimal]

My story is a Long one, too! And, Yours reads as though it is a LOT like mine!

I always KNEW I was Gay, butt was also SO Interested in SEX, Period, that I explored ALL of my options, throughout my teens and twenties. I thoroughly Enjoyed more than my "fair share" of FUN with Females, with a few Guys "thrown in" here and there, on the "down low". Which, Honestly, made that Aspect all that MORE Fun!

I was also fulfilling what was PUBLICLY "Expected" of me, with being a Preacher's Kid, tossed into the mix, too!

However, I also discovered, through a few questions from (female) friends of my sister, and one of those who I was Seriously "Dating" (fucking), that I wasn't Totally being as subtle as I Thought I was!

In short ... I didn't FULLY Admit (even to myself) my TRUE Orientation until I reached 30!

I can not put into mere words how Liberating that was when I let it All GO!

Though YOU are not seeking advice, I've got to say, "Don't WAIT That Long!"

Above ALL Else, be True to YOUR Heart! Whatever that may prove to be!

And, of course ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Ambition92]

Thank you all for the replies and words of wisdom. Kyanimal and Rickrock, hopefully I won't have to wait much longer until I'm ready. And bruce379, I'm not all that worried about how gay guys find my bisexuality. I know it's just something that a lot of people in general think is a myth lol. I certainly plan on posting more on here. There's a lot I'd like to share!

 

[KaraBulut]

A lot of guys need a word to label how they feel- whether you label yourself "gay", "straight", "bisexual", "heteroromantic", or any of the absurdly increasing number of new "terms" out there.

In the end, there isn't any label that perfectly and accurately describes complicated feelings.

You did something more important in this conversation- you told the truth... to the other person and to yourself. That's a big step and hopefully the first step of many.

 

[dragon08]

Congrats on taking the first step. Continue to do what you feel comfortable with, but don't be afraid to push some boundaries.

I'm a couple years younger than you and i just came out to my parents recently. I've been out to friends for a while. If you are worried about family finding out, just tell close friends a lot of them won't care at all and won't tell when they meet your family.

Don't be so scared. Take your time, but the world is changing most people are accepting if not entirely neutral to your orientation. At this point, the person who cares the most about your sexual preference is probably you. You are in college, this is the perfect environment for openmindedness especially if you are out of town from your family.

 

[Ambition92]

At times I definitely feel like I've missed out over the last few years because I'm still in the closet, and I agree that I'm probably my own worst enemy. It's hard to tell how the majority of my friends think. I doubt many would care, but I'm sure a few would. I guess my biggest fear is the grapevine. If I could tell some select people and know that it wouldn't make the rounds then I would, but I'm not sure who would tell even just one person and then they tell one person, etc… But again, that's me being my own worst enemy. My mind just goes to these places and it prevents me from making any real progress.

 

[Rolyo85]

The real progress often happens in the way of "jump off a cliff" type of deal. You worry about the grapevine because your mind is still in "gotta keep it a secret" mode. But the whole point of coming out is that it's NOT a secret anymore. That it doesn't matter who knows. Friends who won't accept you for who you are, are not friends you should keep around you to begin with. Bigotry is never acceptable, regardless of whether it's directed at you or not. And really, do you feel satisfied having friends who like you for the lie you present to the world instead of your real self? I am not attacking you, just trying to make you think about this.

Coming out is always a risk, and it always involve fear. There is NEVER a moment when it gets easy to do it, and in fact the longer one waits, the tougher it gets. But sometimes just doing it and letting the chips fall as they may is the most liberating thing in the world.

In my case, I just told my best friend on skype chat and pressed enter before I could talk myself out of it. Then I put it in my FB profile, and let people see it if they would be interested enough to check.

 

[seven2go]

I guess my biggest fear is the grapevine. If I could tell some select people and know that it wouldn't make the rounds then I would, but I'm not sure who would tell even just one person and then they tell one person, etc…

How many people do you know who can TRULY keep their mouths shut?.......

Chances are half the people you know already "know".......

 

[Ambition92]

Haha, that's the problem. I like to think they'd be able to keep a secret, but I doubt it. And I've always wondered who suspects something. I don't get that vibe from any of my male friends, but I guess I wouldn't get a "vibe" though, would I?

 

[bruce379]

At times I definitely feel like I've missed out over the last few years because I'm still in the closet, and I agree that I'm probably my own worst enemy. It's hard to tell how the majority of my friends think. I doubt many would care, but I'm sure a few would. I guess my biggest fear is the grapevine. If I could tell some select people and know that it wouldn't make the rounds then I would, but I'm not sure who would tell even just one person and then they tell one person, etc… But again, that's me being my own worst enemy. My mind just goes to these places and it prevents me from making any real progress.

I can relate to that.

 

[bruce379]

Haha, that's the problem. I like to think they'd be able to keep a secret, but I doubt it. And I've always wondered who suspects something. I don't get that vibe from any of my male friends, but I guess I wouldn't get a "vibe" though, would I?

Gossip as they say travels faster than the speed of sound

 

[orton86]

You're right about not being gay but a bisexual. I realized that when you didn't spell Tom Daley's name right. ;-)

 

[Ambition92]

You're right about not being gay but a bisexual. I realized that when you didn't spell Tom Daley's name right. ;-)

Oh wow, I totally did! If it's any consolation, I'm in the majority that things the guy's incredibly cute.

 

[bruce379]

Oh wow, I totally did! If it's any consolation, I'm in the majority that things the guy's incredibly cute.

Somehow, I always knew the kid was gay. I would say to myself: yep, he's gay but I won't judge until he says so himself. I'm happy for him.

He's so cute I'd probably swallow his load and rim him (which I rarely do). Tom Daley is a wet dream come true.

Oh, hey, I didn't realize until now that I've just been upgraded to slut. My, my, imagine that...

 

[orton86]

Oh wow, I totally did! If it's any consolation, I'm in the majority that things the guy's incredibly cute.

We're in the minority?!

 

[Seasoned]

I think what's going on with you is that you are in the process of coming out to yourself and often that's the most difficult part in the coming out process. Regardless of labels and whether or not you use them you perceive yourself being different from hetero guys. That's a huge deal and one that takes time getting comfortable with. You're on your way. Congrats!