And I'm out.

[bounder]

And I wish the story was all roses...it was anything but. For back story see this thread.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=277940

In my family, I was only been out to my sister, who I told a few months ago. I've been dreading the prospect of telling my mother because I had a strong feeling that the result would be catastrophic. I hate that I was right.

My mother came home and needed to use my computer. While I closed the page, I forgot to log out of one of my e-mail accounts. She saw some messages that were clearly from gay sites. She then asked me if I was gay. I didn't deny it. She then proceeds to throw an unbelievable fit, on the ground kicking her legs, pounding the floor, and yelling out that it can't be true.

She hit me a few times, all the while screaming.

The things she said to me. I can't believe some of the words that came out of her mouth.

She said that she felt like killing me--ripping out my throat or something, and pointed out that no one else was around. She said that she's more hurt then when my dad died (two years ago today, actually). She asked whether I was her son or a faggot, and that she doesn't want a faggot for a son. Said that I broke her heart, that I killed her, that this is the worst day of her life.

She's convinced that something got into my head and made me this way. I told her that that's not the case. But how do you argue homosexuallity with someone who uses religion as a defense. Crying about the devil taking my soul--I said that she might do that in my first thread and those exact words came out of her mouth. Said that I sabotaged my life, ruined the family and said that I was selfish.

Despite the fact that my still unemployed self has only 20 dollars to my name, I just want to pack a bag and walk out into the cold.

I'm hurting so bad right now, and yet I'm somewhat relieved. Sure they may be irreparable damage done to our relationship, but I don't have to pretend. She explicitly said she doesn't support me in this, but I really don't give a fuck. I never expected her to.

 

[Danncer128]

That really sucks. All you can really do is take it one day at a time, and maybe some day she'll come around, and maybe she won't. You never know what tomorrow brings. Wish there is better advice, or a quick fix, but unfortunately the sad truth is there isn't...

 

[G-Lexington]

Next step, having more than twenty bucks to your name so you CAN get out of that house.

Lex

 

[bounder]

Oh I'm trying...fuck this job market. But that's a different story all together. My head hurts so much right now. I know you can't pick your family but I wonder why I got stuck with one like this.

Those cutting comments...She said my dad was the lucky one because he didn't have to see this and she wishes she was dead. Unreal.

 

[Seasoned]

Good luck to you. It's a shame that there is so much ignorance within families. We can't get inside of her head so we have no clue as to her fears and expectations regarding you. I hope she will seek to educate herself.

I am sorry she found out this way instead of you having control of the situation.

I don't understand parents like your mom. I hope you are safe from verbal abuse and assult. Contact the nearest PFLAG office and see what advice the may have for you. I hope you sister can be of some help.

I'm glad you shared this. Take god care of yourself. Try not to get into shouting matches with her.

 

[bounder]

I don't even know where I go from here. I don't know what to say to her. She says that she wants to understand but in the next breath says that's it's not a choice and that God didn't put me on this earth to fuck another man. What a day.

 

[spencer]

Guys, isn't there a book or article or link he can give his mom that will help calm his mother down? She also offer to realize that there's a strong chance its hereditary.

To the OP, if she's breaking out the big guns, so should you. Tell your pastor. Unless she belongs to an Evangelist church, the church doesn't completely ostracize homosexuality.

Challenge her faith, tell her it's up to God to judge you and that she's not God. And that Jesus teaches love. Dad isn't around anymore and all you have is each other.

Good luck to you, hang in there.

 

[TX-Beau]

You can't convince a religious homophobe by pamphlets. You can only live your life and let them come around on their own.

I wouldn't go around challenging her faith either, you'll just force her onto the defensive and cause her to dig in.

 

[bounder]

This morning saw a different approach, although I saw that one coming to. Trying to fix it through prayer. She hounded me for hours. I hate this. Guess who had a sleepless night? It sure as hell wasn't me. I've already accepted this; she's the one with the problem.

I actually feel bad for her. It's clearly tearing her up and I wish she didn't feel that way. But I know my sexuality isn't something I can change. It's just too bad that I don't know how to make her see that.

I'm trying as best as I can to contain myself and bite my tongue. She keeps on saying that this is going to make me burn in hell. I just want to turn it around on her and ask her what she thinks happened to her brother who died last year. He cheated on his wife and leached off people for the last 20 years of his life. But somehow what I do is worse?

She's in denial. She was shocked when I told her that my sister has my back. She could hardly speak to me above a whisper because she didn't want my brother to hear. I'm just going to tell him. It may not be pretty, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about that. His reaction is the one I care most about, and I hope that we stay close.

 

[hotatlboi]

well dude, you seem to have a good handle on the situation despite the absurd verbal abuse that has been slung your way.

Just remember to keep that in mind and know she's the one with the problem and not you. Don't let her get you down.

Oh and, ask her whether she speaks in her church. The Bible forbids women to speak in church too, lol.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>This morning saw a different approach, although I saw that one coming to. Trying to fix it through prayer. She hounded me for hours. I hate this. Guess who had a sleepless night? It sure as hell wasn't me. I've already accepted this; she's the one with the problem. I actually feel bad for her. It's clearly tearing her up and I wish she didn't feel that way. But I know my sexuality isn't something I can change. It's just too bad that I don't know how to make her see that.

You've got the right attitude now. She's going to have to simply deal with the fact that you're a homosexual. I don't even know of any hardcore Christians who think they can "pray the gay away". (Hm, that's kinda catchy.) Just tell her that you're glad that she has your best interests at heart, and go about your business.

Good luck with your brother.

Lex

 

[Audio Tech]

In the end, YOU are the only one who has to live with YOURSELF. No one else. It took me HALF my life to finally learn that lesson and accept it. Looks like you got it a lot sooner. While your scenario is the same that I feared when I finally told my family, it went totally different. Ok, that's no help, but your family, in the end, does not live your life for you.

Congrats on your courage, and don't worry, it'll get better with time. Acceptance can be a difficult thing for some.

 

[bloom9]

Wow thats harsh, Sorry you have to deal with this. What is your mothers religious belief?

Hopefully she will come around in time. Best of luck to you!

 

[spencer]

TX, you're missing the point if my mom did this, I'd disclose it to my priest and he would tell her otherwise. And that her thinking, from a religious standpoint is wrong.

 

[trikky]

Bounder your Mom is at the denial stage at the minute and is clinging onto the hope that you can be changed. You have to get her beyond that to realise that you can't and don't want to change. That's when she will start to deal with it. Until then she will just be in denial. To do that you have to persist, and refuse to pray for feelings for women. By all means agree to pray for clarity and understanding in God's plan, that might appease her somewhat but be clear with her that you have accepted it. Good luck with your brother man.

 

[spencer]

Just came accross this.

A pamphlet might not work but, look what the letter from Houston TEXAS clergy men said. They know more about religion than we or even your mother does, no?

Updated: 12.03.09
A group of Houston clergy members has signed a letter objecting to recent anti-gay sentiment “espoused by those who co-opt religion as a cover for hatred.”

The letter reads as follows:

We the undersigned religious leaders have gathered our names here to make clear our strong objection to the recent swell in anti-gay sentiment espoused by those who co-opt religion as a cover for hatred. Our diverse traditions are unified in their care and concern for all persons and we firmly believe that our respective religious traditions are weakened by the hate-filled language touted by some as the word of God.

As religious leaders we recognize and respect the dignity and worth of all persons regardless of race, class, gender, or sexual orientation. Therefore, we strongly rebuke those who insist on misusing religious texts and traditions to vilify those whose differences have made them most vulnerable. As a diverse group of religious leaders we are unified in our objection to the slander of any one of God’s creation.

We the undersigned state here our belief that those who manipulate tenets of faith to support secular, political discrimination against those who identify themselves as gay, lesbian, or transgender in the name of sacred faith weaken the very faith they claim to bolster. Religion is weakened by the hypocrisy that lies at the core of homophobia.

Our religions champion the dignity of all persons and we are compelled to set the record straight: our houses of worship, schools, and meeting rooms are inhabited by the diversity that is human kind. While our faiths take differing positions on what human sexuality means before God, we are united in our belief that anti-gay rhetoric in the name of the God for secular, political purposes undermines faith and weakens the bonds between people that make communal life and faith meaningful. Fear and hatred of some diminishes the freedom of all. We deplore the assumption played out in public statements that says that to be religious means to be intolerant.

Religiously based bigotry against gays and lesbians does not represent the core beliefs of our respective faiths. Inflammatory and hateful remarks do not reflect the feelings of most individuals who fill our houses of worship and affiliate with our movements. The language of faith is not the language of fear and hatred. The language of faith is love and respect for all people.

The Reverend Douglas Anders, Conference Minister, South Central Conference of the United Church of Christ

Mr. Burton Bagby-Grose, American Baptist Churches, USA Licensed Minister

The Reverend Carissa Baldwin, Assistant Rector, St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church

The Reverend Ginny Brown, Daniel Plymouth United Church

The Reverend Dr. Becky Edmiston-Lange and The Reverend Mark Edmiston-Lange Emerson, Unitarian Universalist Church, A "Welcoming Congregation"

Mr. Mark Eggleston, Director of Outreach Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church

The Reverend Dr. Millard F. Eiland Member, Covenant Baptist Church, an ecumenical liberal Baptist congregation, former board member of Alliance of Baptists

The Reverend Rick Elliott, Presbyterian minister

The Reverend Elder Darlene Garner Regional Elder for Southern Texas Region of Metropolitan Community Churches

The Reverend Lura N. Groen, Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church

Minister Freedom K.D. Gulley, Th.M., Senior Pastor of Progressive Open Door Christian Center-A Fellowship Church

The Reverend Teddy Hardy, St. John United Church of Christ, Campus Minister at Houston Community College Central

The Reverend Lisa Hunt, Rector, St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church

Rev. Lori Keaton, United Church of Christ Houston Association

The Reverend Dr. David Keyes. Senior Minister, First Unitarian Universalist Church of Houston

The Rev. Kristen Klein-Cechettini, Director of Life Development, Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church

The Reverend Ralph Lasher, United Church of Christ, Ordained Minister

Rabbi David A. Lyon, Congregation Beth Israel

The Reverend Timothy Marquez, Clergy-Office Manager, South Central Conference of the United Church of Christ

The Reverend Laura Mayo, Covenant Church: an ecumenical, liberal, Baptist congregation (American Baptist Churches/Alliance of Baptists)

Rabbi Mark J. Miller, Congregation Beth Israel

The Reverend David Pantermuehl, Grace United Church of Christ

The Reverend Adam J. Robinson, Affiliate Minister, First Unitarian Universalist Church of Houston

The Reverend Jeremy Rutledge, Covenant Church: an ecumenical, liberal, Baptist congregation, (American Baptist Churches/Alliance of Baptists)

The Rev Seido, head priest, St. Nichiren Buddhist Temple

Rabbi Laura Sheinkopf, Houston

Dr. Stephen V. Sprinkle, Director of Field Education and Supervised Ministry, Brite Divinity School

The Reverend Les Switzer, Acting Minister for Christian Education, First Congregational Church of Houston

The Reverend Ernie Turney, Senior Pastor, Bering Memorial United Methodist Church

The Reverend Timothy B. Tutt, Senior Pastor, United Christian Church Austin

Rabbi Roy A. Walter, Senior Rabbi, Congregation Emanu El

Rabbi Kenny Weiss, Houston

 

[bounder]

It's been a few days since I posted here and I wanted to give an update. I've been getting more of the same from my mother. Despite whatever I tell her, she still thinks she can somehow turn me straight. Like I said earlier, this is taking a toll on her--stressed, lack of sleep/appetite. Her new tactic is now saying things like I wouldn't put her through this if I loved her. I counter by pointing out what she says isn't fair, that I do love her, and I didn't do anything to her. I don't know when she's going to give this up, but as she continues this quest to 'fix' me, I find myself becoming more and more indifferent to her and her problems (and she does have other, very real, problems).

On another note, I came out to my brother. I was really nervous about telling him because he's made some comments in the past that led me to believe that he wouldn't have been able to accept me. With him, I felt that simply telling him wouldn't be the best route because may not have understood where I was coming from and I wasn't sure if I could say everything I wanted to in person. So I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and why I was telling him in a letter. When I saw him the next day, it was business as usual. My brother isn't always much of a talker, so a heartfelt conversation wasn't really in the cards. But I did make sure to thank him, and he just nodded. He really impressed and I doubt he'll ever know how much I appreciate it.