any hope for the timid?

[Xzilla7]

Browsing the threads on this forum, the consensus seems to be that it doesn't matter what kind of person you are, as long as you're confident you'll find someone. Well, what if you're not confident?

I'm not really a social animal and don't go to parties just because. One time, I was considering going to a meet-up but it took place in the dark with flashy lights and loud music and it scared me out of doing it.

So is there any hope for me? Or do I have to suck it up and go clubbing?

 

[Comtemplation]

Don't do anything you're not comfortable doing, but at the same time, don't be afraid to step a little bit out of your comfort zone.

But IMO, work on your confidence first before you attempt to find someone. Chances are, once you've built up your confidence, you'll be more comfortable doing things outside your comfort zone than you would otherwise, which in part could potentially lead to someone. And from what you said, you could very much be an introvert, don't do things that are more for extroverts just for the sake of doing it. You'll find your niche.

 

[birddog7]

Yeah, tell me about lack of confidence. I have very little of it.

 

[sabot3ur]

It's all in what you do with it. if you don't push the limit of your confidence, you're essentially waiting for someone that might not show up. Waiting is not doing, sometimes you have to make things happen yourself.

Clubbing is not necessary.

 

[Rooster]

I'm an introvert prone to social anxiety and i manage to meet guys. I also hate clubs and avoid them with a passion.

If clubbing isn't your thing, then you could find some other way to get involved in the gay community. I joined an HIV education group and a student LGBT organization at my old university and met lots of people through it. The internet also has tons of dating and hook up sites, and you can start by just instant messaging with guys and see where things go from there.

 

[KaraBulut]

Being confident and being extroverted are two different things.

You can have lots of friends and be well-liked without going to clubs.

The point is to be yourself and not try to someone that you're not.

 

[rareboy]

Confidence is something that sometimes needs a little practice and exercise.

You need to ask yourself: What is the worst that happens?

Some people may not like you? So what? You probably don't like everyone either.

The first thing to do. Make yourself feel more confident. Invest in some good clothes. Get a good haircut. If you wear glasses, go fashion forward. Look well groomed.

Stand up straight. It costs nothing.

Next. Smile. Even to yourself. Get in the habit of saying good morning to people you meet. Smile when you say thank you. You'll be surprised what that does for your self-confidence. It costs you nothing.

Third. Join small group activities. Volunteer for something; not necessarily an overt gay cause only, but this would be a place to start.

Walk around with a good book and if you aren't a reader, become one. You'll find more conversations can start over a book than you'd imagine.

If you're a nerd, own it. There are a lot of guys out there who find that sexy.

If you're a gamer, turn off your computer and go outside.

If you're a stoner, stop it. It will only drive you further into social isolation.

You are capable of being out and happy, even if you don't waste a good portion of your time in clubs. The likelihood is that you're not going to find the love of your life in one of them anyway.

But follow the advice I've given you and I'll bet you find the guy that is looking for you out there more easily.

Good luck.

 

[The_Reaper]

Yes, there is hope.

Despite my ambitions and ease addressing large crowds, I'm actually a rather timid person in terms of face-to-face interactions. I try my best not to be, when good situations call for it (for work/business I'm not bad) but when it comes to personal situations, I'm not the greatest small talker.

But through a series of good coincidences, I managed to meet up with my boyfriend online and we talked a good deal there before agreeing to meet in person. We're both actually pretty timid people on a personal level, but when things go well (regardless of how timid you are) the conversation seems to flow very easily...

After all, my b/f and I spent about five hours at a coffee shop just talking with one another when we first met.

So, if the time and place and person are right, you might surprise yourself with what you're capable of.

 

[backpacker]

Yes there is hope! If the club scene is not for you, then you have to find something else. You can't just sit home and expect guys to come knocking at your door. Joining some gay groups is a great way to meet people in a more relaxed environment. Depending on where you live, there could be a large number of gay groups with varied interest (cars, outdoors, dancing, comics, singing, church, etc.). You need to gain a little confidence to join a group of some type. I recommend you join 2 or 3 groups. Some groups just don't click, so keep trying until you find the group right for you. Good luck!

 

[CoolguyAT]

My big problem is initiating conversations - once someone starts talking to me I am fine and can actually talk about a variety of things. However, actually being the one to start a conversation is just something I am not very good at.

 

[Rooster]

My big problem is initiating conversations - once someone starts talking to me I am fine and can actually talk about a variety of things. However, actually being the one to start a conversation is just something I am not very good at.

It sounds like you are missing the first rule of being a superb conversationalist.

Get people to talk about themselves.

That is it. Just find something interesting about the person and ask them about it. After they answer, introduce yourself, and then continue to ask them questions about themselves. All you have to do is listen, and assuming the person isn't completely self absorbed, they will eventually become curious about you since you are showing genuine interest in them. Then they will ask you questions, and you will answer, and before you know it, it is a conversation.

 

[CoolguyAT]

It sounds like you are missing the first rule of being a superb conversationalist.

Get people to talk about themselves.

That is it. Just find something interesting about the person and ask them about it. After they answer, introduce yourself, and then continue to ask them questions about themselves. All you have to do is listen, and assuming the person isn't completely self absorbed, they will eventually become curious about you since you are showing genuine interest in them. Then they will ask you questions, and you will answer, and before you know it, it is a conversation.

Thanks for the advice - I appreciate it but I am well aware of getting people to talk about themselves is a great conversation tool - I have a huge fear of rejection which is why I often don't really start a conversation in my personal life. Even on my trip to New Orleans this weekend, surrounded by hundreds of gay men, I still couldn't find the courage to start a conversation unless someone started it first. But that's my problem and I just need to learn how to deal with it.

 

[Rooster]

Thanks for the advice - I appreciate it but I am well aware of getting people to talk about themselves is a great conversation tool - I have a huge fear of rejection which is why I often don't really start a conversation in my personal life. Even on my trip to New Orleans this weekend, surrounded by hundreds of gay men, I still couldn't find the courage to start a conversation unless someone started it first. But that's my problem and I just need to learn how to deal with it.

That is a universal fear. It only gets better with practice.

There is another reason I made the suggestion that you get people to talk about themselves. It gets your mind off you and puts it on them. You can't really fear rejection if you aren't thinking about people rejecting you. Try forcing yourself to think only about other people when you are trying to work up the courage to approach someone. Don't think about how you feel, put your mind on other people's feelings.