Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices?

[hotatlboi]

Ok, here's my situation. I'm 24 and old enough that I would like to come out to my family. I'm not financially dependent on them anymore so I'm not worried about any of those kinds of negative consequences of it. I'm sick of having to cover it up when they ask if I have a girlfriend yet, etc. And I've been honest with myself about it for several years now (I didn't accept myself as gay until college) and feel like it's time for me to be honest with others. But the only problem I have is that I feel that my family so unaccepting and bigoted that they will never look at me the same way again.

A few facts about my family:
1. they all are religious fundamentalists (i.e. they believe every word of the bible is literal truth)
2. they are all young earth creationists (the earth is 6000 years old et al), so they believe all the anti-gay stuff in the old testament etc. They see gays as perverted people and horrible sinners.
3. My father has been a pastor in fundamentalist churches for most of my life
4. My mom's father was a pastor in fundamentalist churches for most of her life
5. All of my brothers believe the same shit my parents do, so no help there (the brother closest to my age went to a Christian college to be a youth pastor).
6. Their hatred for gays is so profound that they did stuff like canceled a planned family vacation to Disney World just because it would have coincided with gay days, and they didn't want to look at other gay people in public.
7. I really think they wouldn't be mad at me so much as they would be sad that I will supposedly burn in hell for being gay.

Also I'm totally straight acting so no one in my family has any clue that I'm gay. It will be a total shock I'm sure. Has anyone else come out to a family like this? What where the results? Did they grow any less bigoted over time? thanks for any insight into this.

 

[Persian89]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

I wish I could, I chose to run away instead.
It works, they call I say I am busy.
That way if I would need something from them (I usually joke about kidneys) I could go back.
It's not worth it, I know to 99% how they would react.

I can still live my life, I just avoid them.

My little brother knows, caught me with some guys ^_^
I thought blackmail, and I thought correct.
But he is a resonable fellow so we cut some deals.


Btw, could you like.. record your dads expression when you tell him.
Please?
Fucking priceless.

Nah I'm just kidding (not really), good luck with that.
But you can be honest with others, and yet now come clean with your parents, just avoid them.

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

^ I've already decided that I will come out to them. It might not be right away, but I'm not waiting forever. I'm basically just trying to figure out how to best approach it.

If for no other reason than the fact that the more reasonable people of the world stand up and exert influence on the these backwards religious wackos, the quicker they will decline in influence and the faster their bigotry will wane. I do love my family but their belief system is totally fucked up and I will not put up with it my whole life. I don't live with them, but I still go back for holidays and stuff.

I will give them a chance to accept me and treat me with respect, if they decline, then I won't see them anymore. But I will not be the fake person who sticks to lies just to keep everyone happy. That's not for me. I've done that so far and I'm sick of it.

 

[Persian89]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

Oh really you think so?
How naive.

MY parents aren't even religious, agnostics.


Good luck man, given the fact that they are:

they all are religious fundamentalists
(i.e. they believe every word of the bible is literal truth)
and they are all young earth creationists (the earth is 6000 years old et al).

No offense and all, but gives to show what you have to deal with.
My folks aren't... ehm...so.....backwards.



I have another feeling about this, and probably the only one in the entire world.
I go with the logic that it is very selfish of me to lay this on my parents, they can do without, it's okay, telling them would only hurt them and there is _NO_ need for that.
I don't want to be so selfish that I need them to know something that will not make them happy, and maybe miserable (incase things goes havoc) for the rest of their life.
It is unnecessary and weak of me to do so.

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

I have another feeling about this, and probably the only one in the entire world.
I go with the logic that it is very selfish of me to lay this on my parents, they can do without, it's okay, telling them would only hurt them and there is _NO_ need for that.
I don't want to be so selfish that I need them to know something that will not make them happy, and maybe miserable (incase things goes havoc) for the rest of their life.
It is unnecessary and weak of me to do so.

That kind of logic means you probably don't have a very meaningful relationship with your parents though. Real relationships are not just about the positive feel good things. If my parents are going to appreciate me, I want them to appreciate me for who I am. I would rather them hate me for who I am (if it came to that) than have then love me for someone I was not.

I totally get not having to share every detail of your life with other people, but when it gets to the point where I have to lie to keep them from finding out, then I'm really more of a fake person than I want to be.

My parents have always been the "you can talk to me about anything" type. And while granted I'm sure they never expected to hear this from me, I don't want to lie about it anymore.

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

As for you coming out... You are an adult. It is not their beliefs that matter, it is your beliefs that matter. How do you think of yourself? Do you believe it to be a sin? Tell them your thoughts.

Use this opportunity to educate them. It might be difficult to do, seeing as they believe in a young earth... really illogical of them... but you should try.

That's basically how I see it. I'm an agnostic now and view the bible as an interesting moral timeline of bronze age man followed by the deification of a spiritual leader. I think finding that out will be more of a surprise honestly than finding out that I'm gay. And they will also see that as the most pressing problem in my life. So it's like a double wammy. They will try to convert me back to their beliefs for a while I'm sure.

Your family will not hate you. They will always love you. They might, however, struggle to understand.

I agree and I think this is the likely outcome. I think they will just be sad because they think I will burn in hell lol and they will pray for me to "come back to God" for the rest of their lives. It's the illogic of their beliefs that I will have to overcome. Their stupid religion pervades everything they think and do. It's really like "does God want me to do this?" even if it's something ridiculously trivial.

 

[Persian89]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

That kind of logic means you probably don't have a very meaningful relationship with your parents though. Real relationships are not just about the positive feel good things. If my parents are going to appreciate me, I want them to appreciate me for who I am. I would rather them hate me for who I am (if it came to that) than have then love me for someone I was not.

I totally get not having to share every detail of your life with other people, but when it gets to the point where I have to lie to keep them from finding out, then I'm really more of a fake person than I want to be.

My parents have always been the "you can talk to me about anything" type. And while granted I'm sure they never expected to hear this from me, I don't want to lie about it anymore.

You are correct, I don't have that.
I wish you all the luck man, don't give up.

 

[bankside]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

That's basically how I see it. I'm an agnostic now and view the bible as an interesting moral timeline of bronze age man followed by the deification of a spiritual leader. I think finding that out will be more of a surprise honestly than finding out that I'm gay. And they will also see that as the most pressing problem in my life. So it's like a double wammy. They will try to convert me back to their beliefs for a while I'm sure.


I agree and I think this is the likely outcome. I think they will just be sad because they think I will burn in hell lol and they will pray for me to "come back to God" for the rest of their lives. It's the illogic of their beliefs that I will have to overcome. Their stupid religion pervades everything they think and do. It's really like "does God want me to do this?" even if it's something ridiculously trivial.

Stand firm and create a new kind of family that respects differences between people and seeks to understand. You can provide leadership for a new way - a family that is inclusive - and invite them to join you. I'm sure many of them will do just that in time. Some may exclude themselves, but then it is their choice and their responsibility, not yours.

 

[Muscles4daze]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

Ok, here's my situation. I'm 24 and old enough that I would like to come out to my family. I'm not financially dependent on them anymore so I'm not worried about any of those kinds of negative consequences of it. I'm sick of having to cover it up when they ask if I have a girlfriend yet, etc. And I've been honest with myself about it for several years now (I didn't accept myself as gay until college) and feel like it's time for me to be honest with others. But the only problem I have is that I feel that my family so unaccepting and bigoted that they will never look at me the same way again.

A few facts about my family:
1. they all are religious fundamentalists (i.e. they believe every word of the bible is literal truth)
2. they are all young earth creationists (the earth is 6000 years old et al), so they believe all the anti-gay stuff in the old testament etc. They see gays as perverted people and horrible sinners.
3. My father has been a pastor in fundamentalist churches for most of my life
4. My mom's father was a pastor in fundamentalist churches for most of her life
5. All of my brothers believe the same shit my parents do, so no help there (the brother closest to my age went to a Christian college to be a youth pastor).
6. Their hatred for gays is so profound that they did stuff like canceled a planned family vacation to Disney World just because it would have coincided with gay days, and they didn't want to look at other gay people in public.
7. I really think they wouldn't be mad at me so much as they would be sad that I will supposedly burn in hell for being gay.

Also I'm totally straight acting so no one in my family has any clue that I'm gay. It will be a total shock I'm sure. Has anyone else come out to a family like this? What where the results? Did they grow any less bigoted over time? thanks for any insight into this.

Honestly a lot of the times you have people talk down about gays, and they supposedly have this disliking for us, but when one of their family members come out as gay they usually change their tune. For some reason I don't think your family will turn their back on you, but the decision to come out to them is solely yours.

 

[andy12]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

I'm not financially dependent on them anymore so I'm not worried about any of those kinds of negative consequences of it.

Good.

I'm sick of having to cover it up when they ask if I have a girlfriend yet, etc.

Tell them that you don't want to hear from them again until they view your sexuality as a variation like left-handedness.

Life's too short. You're not obligated to spend it with unpleasant assholes, especially when it was their bigotry in the first place that took you until college to accept yourself. Think of the years before and ask why you would want to spend another minute with such a bunch.

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

Good luck to you, hotatlboi. If you do decide to come out to them, let us know how you did it and what the reaction was, and how you feel about that reaction.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your position, because I was never in it. (It took me a long time to come out to totally accepting parents). There's a part of me that admires your damn-the-torpedoes, full-speed ahead philosophy. There's also a part of me that makes me want to shake my head at them and ask why bother? But, that's not fair of me since they're not my parents.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you well in this! Please let us know what's going on!

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

Stand firm and create a new kind of family that respects differences between people and seeks to understand. You can provide leadership for a new way - a family that is inclusive - and invite them to join you. I'm sure many of them will do just that in time. Some may exclude themselves, but then it is their choice and their responsibility, not yours.

Yes! That's what I want to do. I hope it turns out that way.

The coming holidays are a perfect opportunity for you to come out to them.

It won't be happening for at least a little while. My mom is recovering from cancer right now and I at least want to wait until she's over that before adding any more stress to her life. I mainly posted this to see if anyone else here had come out in a similar situation and could share how it went, seems like most people had much more accepting families though.

 

[kramer362]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

It's good that you wanna tell them, just be sure not to go in expecting a good reaction. They will take a long time to accept it, if ever.

My father is like this, but I am never coming out to him. I have a tattered relationship with him and it just doesn't seem worth it to me.

 

[ariesstar89]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

Well, I may not have the best advice to offer but here is my thoughts. you've pretty much already decided that you want to tell them, thats the biggest step is that you are ready to do it. Now comes the tricky part, actually doing it.

I was raised with a traditional southern family like you are. My parents are almost in the same boat as you (minus their strong affiliations with church) but basically are religious. My mom won't even eat at certain restaurants because of the fact that they've been known to support gay rights and what-not. My Dad once caught me looking around on the internet and threw the Bible talk in my face, but that was back when I was too coward to admit it even to myself.

What I would do if I was you, would be the next time they begin to ask if you have a gf, just do it then, be like, "well I don't think I ever will' and if they question you further, just say "well, because I'm gay." If they start to throw the Bible talk at you, you can almost sort of rebuttal with the works of Leviticus (which states things like being gay, but also says not to eat shrimp, mesh clothes together, and several other wild things that people do everyday and would therefore be sinners). In the end, it is your life, (I can't really talk since I have yet to come out to my parents), but ultimately you have to live it. If it comes down to having to break off ties with the family, and as much as you may not want to, you might have to.To me, that may be the only way you could find happiness if they choose not to be supportive or anything. But they should see that you are their son, and only want you to be happy.

Just my two cents worth

 

[ephram314]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

It sounds like you have the type of family that won't abandon you no matter what. They may not like what you're doing, and may not want to hear about it, but I'm betting they will be there for you in every other way.

I guess my advice is even if you're no longer religious, educate yourself on what the bible really says about homosexuality. Honestly, it doesn't have all that much to say in reality. There are about 6-7 passages about it. All of them are either in the old testament among a lot of other outdated laws, or in the new testament, but the translation of the word is actually unclear. The bible says absolutely nothing about committed homosexual couples. Also, you may mention that the bible says that getting divorced and remarried is adultery, and adultery is one of the ten commandments. Yet I doubt they'd get all fussy about a remarried couple. Help them to realize they can believe in the bible and still support you.

There's never a good time to tell them, but I think you're right to wait until after your mom's over her cancer. Then I think the easiest way is to just tell them straight out. I told both my parents I needed to talk to them together alone. Then I just said "mom, dad, I'm gay". After that everything was a lot easier. Just get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid

 

[mojoe54]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

I come from a large Catholic family, and to my surprise they have all accepted me pretty well, even my mother, who was devoutly religious. My only problem is with my older sister who is the wife of a Baptist minister. Last year my husband and I had a wedding, and all of my family, even if they could not attend, congratulated me and wished me well. Except for this one sister; there was no response from her other than to check "will not attend" on the rsvp to her wedding invitation. I love her very much and I have to admit that this was painful to me, but I got over it. When it comes down to it life is too short to worry about other people's hang-ups. I have to do what's right for me.
I wish you all the best, and congratulations for being true to yourself.
mj54

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

I guess my advice is even if you're no longer religious, educate yourself on what the bible really says about homosexuality. Honestly, it doesn't have all that much to say in reality. There are about 6-7 passages about it. All of them are either in the old testament among a lot of other outdated laws, or in the new testament, but the translation of the word is actually unclear. The bible says absolutely nothing about committed homosexual couples. Also, you may mention that the bible says that getting divorced and remarried is adultery, and adultery is one of the ten commandments. Yet I doubt they'd get all fussy about a remarried couple. Help them to realize they can believe in the bible and still support you.

I wish I could do this, as I'm sure it would make things easier for them, but I simply will not. After coming to realize what a morally repugnant book the Bible really is after being subjected to 20+ years of biblical literalism, I will not justify any actions I take based on it ever again. I don't want or need that kind of acceptance. If they can accept me as a person and a family member, I will be happy. If they want to think I'm still going to hell at the same time, I really could care less.

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices

Been there done that. But my parents were even more extreme in that their church taught shunning. In the end they have been really quite good. Granted they are not uber, super supportive, but they still go out to dinner, and come over to the house, and talk with my partner. I have to give them credit. At first they may not take it very well but they will come around. After all it's 2008 not 1968.

Yes I can see this much as possible eventually at least. That's what I'm hoping for.

Not to be rude or dismissive, but I highly doubt that. I thought the same thing about myself, yet when I came out many people were not surprised. My siblings already kinda figured it out too. The power to delude oneself if pretty immense.

Well who knows you could be right, I would still be surprised if people already knew though lol.

 

[hotatlboi]

ok guys, just bumping this to say that I think I'm going to come out to my parents sometime in the next few weeks. My mom is over her cancer now and is doing better, so I think it's time.

I don't see it going well, but I can always hope.

any more advice? As you can see from my first post, my family is about as fucked up as it can get.

Also, I thought about telling my brother first. But we've never been all that close, and he believes all the same shit my parents do, so I don't really see what that would get me.

 

[rareboy]

Just relax.

Choose the one you think will be most supportive.

Failing that, wear a rainbow t-shirt when you bring your bf home for dinner.