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Anyone else from a small town?

S

smalltownguy

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Hey,

I was just wondering if any of you other guys out there are from small towns and how you dealt with being gay and coming out?

I'm 18 and from a small town in Georgia and i'm terrified about coming out, it's a stereotypical southern town and is pretty religious. I leave for college in the fall, which will give me chance to be myself but I don't know if I will ever be able to tell my parents.

Any advice or experiences would be cool to hear.

Thanks, Austin
 
Hi Austin, welcom to JUB.

I grew up in a small town, so I hear what you are saying. I left for college at 17 and only returned two summers to work,
then made my life elsewhere after that. Hopefully you will find that people can be more accepting than you expect.
Most of us have been uncertain about the reactions of friends and family when we were 18. In all honesty, you may get
rejected by some, but you shouldn't spend too much time anticipating that. Perhaps it's best to say nothing and just go to
college where you will get experience at being open about who you are. Deal with small town people and your parents later.

Believe it or not, when you reach 30, you will probably look back and be pleased that you dealt with it, even the parts that were painful.

Good luck and don't pressure yourself to come out before you are ready.
 
I'm from a small town (9,000 - I believe it has burgeoned to 11,000 now). Like sixthson I went away to school and learned about sex there. These days my need for 365 different hookups a year has lessened and I'd cheerfully go back to the little place, which was and is amazingly tolerant of diversity if you didn't throw stuff in people's faces.
 
See how things go for you in college and make a decision based on where your life is headed. Are you financially dependent on your parents? Will they cut support if you come out to them? Honesty is important, but your future is more important. My advice - make the most of your education and get as quickly as you can to a point where you can be free to live without the secret. It will come sooner than you think if you dedicate yourself to it.
 
Not only is your future important, but so is your physical, emotional, and psychological safety. For now, put those two things as priority, and wait till you go to college to focus on school and finding yourself.
 
Your sexuality is not something that you are required to broadcast. You have control. You decided who to tell and how and when. To me if you decide to tell no one then you decide that because you have decided that it is "none of their damn business" and not because you are afraid. I have told a few folks who needed to know or whom I trust. You will probably have to tell anyone who you want to become romantically involved with.
 
The whole "you don't have to broadcast" thing always reeks of shame to me. It IS everybody's "damn" business, has been and will always be everybody's "damn" business. Not because that's right or wrong but because this is human nature. And guess what - gay men are the absolutely ONLY ones who I've ever heard say that sexually is somehow "private" and nobody's "damn" business.

But here's the thing - unless there's something shameful about it, there's no reason to keep private something that the rest of the world doesn't consider to be so. There can only be one valid reason to not be completely open about being gay, and that's self-preservation. Only when warranted.
 
The nearest town to where I grew up had about 100 people in it. The one beyond that about 2000.

Advice? Well, get to know yourself first. If you are confident about yourself it's a lot harder for your relations to fuck you over in your head.

Part of that is what Rolyo is saying. Not only is he right - our friends and families are out friends and families BECAUSE they are whom we share our lives with. From the losers you date, to the people you hang out with.

But also, when you are able to deal with your own sexuality in such an open manner, you steal the power away from the haters. It's only a shameful secret if you treat it like one, and if you refuse to participate, what are they going to do?

Mostly people take YOUR cues about how to deal with it, if it's a non-issue for you, they'll probably treat it like a non-issue, if you make it a huge dangerous secret, you only harm yourself.
 
mano said:
Your sexuality is not something that you are required to broadcast. You have control. You decided who to tell and how and when. To me if you decide to tell no one then you decide that because you have decided that it is "none of their damn business" and not because you are afraid. I have told a few folks who needed to know or whom I trust. You will probably have to tell anyone who you want to become romantically involved with.
Click to expand...

Good to see someone here who supports everybody's right to do with their lives whatever the fuck they want to. No one needs to or is entitled to know anything about anyone. That's it. As simple as that. It is indeed nobody's business. If you say anything it's because it's your choice. A lot of people simply don't broadcast anything about their lives, regardless of what their sexual preferences are. People can say whatever the fuck they want to, but if you don't need/want to announce what are your sexual preferences, it's a decision you make. You and only you. And it's also nobody's business what are your reasons to proceed in that manner. We live in a free world, after all. And, also, "coming out" doesn't change anything. Most people are too fucking busy with their own lives and their own problems to be worrying or giving a shit about who you like or who you fuck. That's the truth.
 
borednew said:
Good to see someone here who supports everybody's right to do with their lives whatever the fuck they want to. No one needs to or is entitled to know anything about anyone. That's it. As simple as that. It is indeed nobody's business. If you say anything it's because it's your choice. A lot of people simply don't broadcast anything about their lives, regardless of what their sexual preferences are. People can say whatever the fuck they want to, but if you don't need/want to announce what are your sexual preferences, it's a decision you make. You and only you. And it's also nobody's business what are your reasons to proceed in that manner. We live in a free world, after all. And, also, "coming out" doesn't change anything. Most people are too fucking busy with their own lives and their own problems to be worrying or giving a shit about who you like or who you fuck. That's the truth.
Click to expand...

This might be fine if all you want out of life is sex. What happens if and when you fall in love and want to make a life with someone? Are you going to keep that a secret, too? The person you love is generally someone you don't want to hide from the world, even if you could.
 
sixthson said:
This might be fine if all you want out of life is sex. What happens if and when you fall in love and want to make a life with someone? Are you going to keep that a secret, too? The person you love is generally someone you don't want to hide from the world, even if you could.
Click to expand...

You make a good point. Of course if you fall in love you wouldn't hide that (depending on individual context). But there's a difference between being secretive and being private.

And no matter what sexual orientation someone is, there are both people who are open about their dating/sex life, and people who are not. A little more generally speaking, there are people who are open about all aspects of their lives, and people who are private in all aspects of their lives. Everyone is different, acts as who they are (or are fake), and does what they are comfortable with.
 
Except, being open about your sexuality has nothing to do with being private. It's what scared gay men tell themselves to justify their hiding, but it's false. There are multiple perfectly non-sexual and not even romantic little gestures that people make every day, which are telling of their sexuality. Problem being that straight AND gay people are born and raised in an environment dominated by those things and so they are invisible to us. But the second you translate them into gay life, they suddenly become outside the norm and therefore mistakenly taken as taboo and "private".
 
elGeniuoso1721 said:
You make a good point. Of course if you fall in love you wouldn't hide that (depending on individual context). But there's a difference between being secretive and being private.

And no matter what sexual orientation someone is, there are both people who are open about their dating/sex life, and people who are not. A little more generally speaking, there are people who are open about all aspects of their lives, and people who are private in all aspects of their lives. Everyone is different, acts as who they are (or are fake), and does what they are comfortable with.
Click to expand...

I can't disagree with you. Being private is one thing, being secretive smacks of shame, fear and hiding.
 
sixthson said:
...Being private is one thing, being secretive smacks of shame, fear and hiding.
Click to expand...

yup, and talking about it always hits the nerve among the guys who most need to hear it.

Not a judgement, I was there too, but true.

To the OP it's your life, you decide how to live it.
 
Hey Austin! Im from a fairly small town around 13,000. My family owns a business that has been around for over 85 years, so a lot of people know who I am because of that, even though I am not assoicated with the business. I am mostly out excluding my grandparents. People know and they do not say anything about it. Its business as usual when Im at the store and people say Hi and ask how everything is going. So dont worry about it. Coming out to my parents was harder than being out in the community. As long as you are happy that is what matters!
 
Rolyo85 said:
Except, being open about your sexuality has nothing to do with being private. It's what scared gay men tell themselves to justify their hiding, but it's false. There are multiple perfectly non-sexual and not even romantic little gestures that people make every day, which are telling of their sexuality. Problem being that straight AND gay people are born and raised in an environment dominated by those things and so they are invisible to us. But the second you translate them into gay life, they suddenly become outside the norm and therefore mistakenly taken as taboo and "private".
Click to expand...

I'd agree. There are definitely scared gay men who tell themselves "It's my privacy" when they are in denial about the shame of "secrecy" and "hiding." I bet plenty of us have been there and done that. But I maintain that there's a difference and that there are gay men who are truly, simply, private. And while non-verbals speak more than verbal communication, there are always exceptions and intricacies. But I'm gonna stop rambling cuz I do agree with you.
 
sixthson said:
This might be fine if all you want out of life is sex. What happens if and when you fall in love and want to make a life with someone? Are you going to keep that a secret, too? The person you love is generally someone you don't want to hide from the world, even if you could.
Click to expand...

I think you might have misinterpreted my post. I was just saying how it is everybody's own right and choice to announce/broadcast/mention/scream anything about their lives but also to just not mention or even hide those things, and how everybody else must respect that because it's none of their business. You decide how to live your own life and everybody else is obligated to stay out of it. I also meant you don't owe a thing to anyone, therefore, you're not obligated to tell them: "Hey, I don't like the opposite sex", or "I like the same sex as well". It is also not necessary to say or mention what your sexual preferences are every single time you meet another human being. If you want to do it, it's your choice, but if you don't, it's also your choice and people must respect that and your reasons behind it, whatever they might be.

Now, to answer your question, if you want make a life/form a family with a partner of your own sex, of course it'd be practically impossible to do so if you're keeping your sexual orientation/preferences a secret. In that case, saying you're planning to do so to the people you care about and saying you're not heterosexual whenever asked would suffice. There's no need to broadcast anything to the whole world if you don't want to.
 
Hey guys,
Thanks for all your advice, I guess I should not worry about it now and do it when i'm ready.

Austin
 
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