Does anyone else have the kind of relationship where they're mostly monogamous? My boyfriend and I are mostly monogamous but we decided to let each other go out and have random sex and are considering doing it again, since we both had a lot of fun and it had no negative effect on our relationship. I was wondering if anyone else has this kind of relationship, where they're neither "open" in the sense of it being a regular thing, nor monogamous.
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Anyone Else Have This Relationship Type?
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I did have this kind of relationship once, when I was in my early twenties. All I can say about it is that you must know each other and yourselves very well, and be extremely mature and objective regarding the possible consequences. However, since you seem to be unaffected by it, I wouldn't worry too much, unless this becomes something that he wants to do constantly and you don't feel happy about it.
In my case, even though I didn't particularly enjoy it and only did it to please my then boyfriend, I did engage in sexual activities with another two men at his behest, which were physically stimulating and very pleasurable and didn't have any emotional significance - which is precisely what I didn't like. Eventually, what he called "a chance to enjoy our youth" became increasingly common, much to my dislike and his frustration - in fact, he became so frustrated that I got the impression that he used these escapades to spite me, because he felt unloved, unsupported and judged by me for not wanting them (apparently, not respecting my feelings and needs was OK).
Things got to the point where I found out that he had been regularly seeing a married couple and and another two people (a boy and a girl, who didn't know about each other and weren't too happy when they found out, either). Needless to say, I emotionally withdrew from the relationship and started looking for someone else, which apparently did come as a surprise to him. Luckily enough we didn't live together, so I didn't have any problems with needing to move and disrupting my life, but the break up was rather painful - even if I had been preparing for it for quite some time.
Well, I'll stop bothering you with my sob story. Just use it as a cautionary tale and remember that you don't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with... Also, there is a chance that this arrangement might change someone's priorities. Good luck anyway!
In my case, even though I didn't particularly enjoy it and only did it to please my then boyfriend, I did engage in sexual activities with another two men at his behest, which were physically stimulating and very pleasurable and didn't have any emotional significance - which is precisely what I didn't like. Eventually, what he called "a chance to enjoy our youth" became increasingly common, much to my dislike and his frustration - in fact, he became so frustrated that I got the impression that he used these escapades to spite me, because he felt unloved, unsupported and judged by me for not wanting them (apparently, not respecting my feelings and needs was OK).
Things got to the point where I found out that he had been regularly seeing a married couple and and another two people (a boy and a girl, who didn't know about each other and weren't too happy when they found out, either). Needless to say, I emotionally withdrew from the relationship and started looking for someone else, which apparently did come as a surprise to him. Luckily enough we didn't live together, so I didn't have any problems with needing to move and disrupting my life, but the break up was rather painful - even if I had been preparing for it for quite some time.
Well, I'll stop bothering you with my sob story. Just use it as a cautionary tale and remember that you don't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with... Also, there is a chance that this arrangement might change someone's priorities. Good luck anyway!
hylas
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dan savage coined the term "monogamish" to describe relationships like that. not an open nonstop free-for-all fuckfest, not completely monogamous either. im all for it and have had good experiences with it.
LemonMonk
Slut
It's called an open relationship. I haven't been in one. I wouldn't like it though, I'm the jealous type.
White 4 Black
On the Prowl
No, but it has been offered up before in the past. I declined.
I can see why it might be appealing - sometimes it feels like you're cutting yourself off from possible new opportunities by being in a monogamous relationship; it feels like you've withdrawn from certain things and you've "settled" - which can be nice, but it can also be suffocating, especially if you're young. So this kind of relationship offers the stability of a relationship - and YAY! I'm not single joy - but with the excitement of testing the water now and again, and keeping a look out on "what's out there".
...but as much as I can see the appeal, it's not for me. Sleeping around with guys I'm not in a relationship with is all well and good - if I'm not in a relationship. A relationship, to me (and this is just my personal opinion/view) is saying "I want to be with this person and this person only" - and sleeping with other guys every now and again goes against this.
I can see why it might be appealing - sometimes it feels like you're cutting yourself off from possible new opportunities by being in a monogamous relationship; it feels like you've withdrawn from certain things and you've "settled" - which can be nice, but it can also be suffocating, especially if you're young. So this kind of relationship offers the stability of a relationship - and YAY! I'm not single joy - but with the excitement of testing the water now and again, and keeping a look out on "what's out there".
...but as much as I can see the appeal, it's not for me. Sleeping around with guys I'm not in a relationship with is all well and good - if I'm not in a relationship. A relationship, to me (and this is just my personal opinion/view) is saying "I want to be with this person and this person only" - and sleeping with other guys every now and again goes against this.
hylas
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uh guys... i dont see how "never done it, its not for me" is adding anything to this discussion.
why post if you have nothing to say about the subject?
why post if you have nothing to say about the subject?
Rolyo85
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Well, it's a rare thing, so many people haven't done it, but I believe that it does add something to the discussion if a lot of people are opposed to it.
It's not for everyone for sure. I have been in such a thing, but it was one-sided, meaning - the other guy didn't do it, and I only did it once, but he kept urging me to do it. I dunno, it's weird and it adds instability, so you have to be very stable by default.
Btw, I would still call that "open". Even if it's not a daily thing.
It's not for everyone for sure. I have been in such a thing, but it was one-sided, meaning - the other guy didn't do it, and I only did it once, but he kept urging me to do it. I dunno, it's weird and it adds instability, so you have to be very stable by default.
Btw, I would still call that "open". Even if it's not a daily thing.
hylas
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yeah, it does add something if lots of people are opposed to something despite having no experience with it... it adds the kind of negativity that is not helpful if you express your sexuality in non-normative ways. as all gay people know.
just feeling a little protective of a fellow non-monogamist
Rolyo85
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yeah, it does add something if lots of people are opposed to something despite having no experience with it... it adds the kind of negativity that is not helpful if you express your sexuality in non-normative ways. as all gay people know.
just feeling a little protective of a fellow non-monogamist
Read the rest of the post you quoted. I enjoy non-monogamy when it comes to sex, even though I am emotionally monogamous. I don't have princess mentality that it's "wrong", because the ONLY "right" and "wrong" things are those that are such for the TWO people in a relationship.
However, objectively, there is a reason why the two-people relationship has established itself romantically, and the reason is that people seem to be mostly capable of investing in one other person as a rule, and more people destabilize the relationship. Doesn't mean it can't happen, it just means that it's an exception and as such doesn't really help to ask people about it.
Basically, the only advice I could give is make sure you're doing it because it strengthens your relationship, and not because you wanna scratch an itch. And ESPECIALLY make sure to NEVER do something like that without both people WANTING it. Because if one is doing it just to please the other, we're halfway to resentment already.
