Approaching a family member about SA?

[irudesan]

Im a 39 yrs old male, gay. Finally accepting I was SA as a child by a F cousin that stayed with us during some time. I remember my mother found us and she was kicked out of the house, and feeling shame and guilty, but nothing more. I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood. After years of trying to get through the panic I felt when someone touched my pns, I feel better somehow. But I'm still not clear at what age everything happened. I'm guessing between 7-8 yrs?

My mom died when i was 13, and my father or any other member of my family has never brought up any of this.

I just want to know exactly at what age she started to do it, I just want some closure.

My mom's eldest sister had like 7 children from different fathers, with little economic support. I remember they lived in a house made of zinc roofs.

My mother and my other aunts all decided that each one will take 1 kid to help her, basically "adopting them" until they were 18 at least.

So that's when said F cousin started to live with us. The thing lasted some months. I have multiple memories...

But I'd like to have a more accurate history of the time frame, and other details.

After she was kicked out of the house, my mother "adopted" instead another F cousin. Luckily nothing like that ever happened again and I consider her a sister. Lets call her S, and her sister, the one that SA me lets call her M.

The thing is I wanted to ask S if she remembers anything about it? Or anything that she remembers? Also at what age she started living with us so I can calculate the age that M had. I know she is 9 years older than me, so then i could finally know my age at the time.

The thing is that in case S doesn't know anything about it, i don't want to create any tension between she and M, bc they're sisters, besides I'm not interested in the rest of the family knowing.

I don't hate? M, I guess im just indifferent. She kind of disappeared from my life in general, I saw her on few occasions, like family reunions, and we were just polite I guess, rn she is 48 yrs old, with her life, kids, etc. I don't condone anything that she did, but now that im an adult i understand she was a kid with a lot of problems, and probable she was SA too... But anyways

I just want information. Do you think I should tell S what her sister M did to me? Or would it be meaningless and just create unnecessary tension??

Sorry for the long post

 

[TX-Beau]

What would be the point of telling the sister? What exactly do you hope to accomplish, and if you tell one family member, it's a sure thing others will find out. Why are you keeping it from them anyway? You didn't do anything wrong.

If you're still thinking about this all these years later, it's past time to see someone who professionally counsels sexual assault survivors and start there.

 

[irudesan]

What would be the point of telling the sister? What exactly do you hope to accomplish, and if you tell one family member, it's a sure thing others will find out. Why are you keeping it from them anyway? You didn't do anything wrong.

If you're still thinking about this all these years later, it's past time to see someone who professionally counsels sexual assault survivors and start there.

Thank you, I think most of my life I didn't consider it "abuse", and downplayed it.
I have never been to therapy about it, and right now I just can't afford it. But yeah maybe there's no point talking about something that happened so long ago and without an appropriate counseling.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thank you, I think most of my life I didn't consider it "abuse", and downplayed it.
I have never been to therapy about it, and right now I just can't afford it. But yeah maybe there's no point talking about something that happened so long ago and without an appropriate counseling.

Discussing sexual abuse in complicated family situations like the one you described isn't something that you want to undertake without working with a trained therapist.

While there are some situations where curiosity and experimentation is common in children, there are two things that are complicating your situation:

1. Your memory of the events is troubling for you and you feel that it was abusive or that there was a power imbalance between you and your older cousin.
2. Given the scenario you described, it would not be a surprise if the cousins were also in a sexual abuse situation in their own homes. It is not uncommon for children who have been sexually abused to act out sexually with others, repeating the abuse pattern to another generation. In the process of dealing with your own wounds, you may be opening up old wounds for other members of your family.

The first priority is you. Therapy would help and you might also find a support group for incest or sexual abuse survivors to work through all of this. Once you've been able to get a clearer understanding of the things that happened and how they have affected you, then you would be in a better place to make a decision about whether you want to open up what could be very painful memories for your cousins.

 

[irudesan]

Discussing sexual abuse in complicated family situations like the one you described isn't something that you want to undertake without working with a trained therapist.

While there are some situations where curiosity and experimentation is common in children, there are two things that are complicating your situation:

1. Your memory of the events is troubling for you and you feel that it was abusive or that there was a power imbalance between you and your older cousin.
2. Given the scenario you described, it would not be a surprise if the cousins were also in a sexual abuse situation in their own homes. It is not uncommon for children who have been sexually abused to act out sexually with others, repeating the abuse pattern to another generation. In the process of dealing with your own wounds, you may be opening up old wounds for other members of your family.

The first priority is you. Therapy would help and you might also find a support group for incest or sexual abuse survivors to work through all of this. Once you've been able to get a clearer understanding of the things that happened and how they have affected you, then you would be in a better place to make a decision about whether you want to open up what could be very painful memories for your cousins.

Thank you, yes I'm definitely postponing talking to any family member before getting therapy.

I've had been a bttm lets may most of my sex life (i started at 19), bc I liked it but also bc I kinda froze and had basically a mini panic attack when ppl touched my pns. I tried to minimize it but through the years I realized it was not normal to feel that way and it even brought me sometimes relationship problems.

She used to grab my pns and "make me" touch her breasts and vag, and rub her until she... she grabbed my hand to do it the first times, she said we were just playing etc. It became often like a every night thing the time she lived there (which im not clear about)
She had pubes so I'm guessing she was around 15-16? and me around 7?

I've come around a bit on my own, i started telling myself that being touched is ok, etc and now I can enjoy a lot more than before being touched and getting attention on my pns. When I'm able I will start therapy and see if its advisable to talk to my cousin S or not.

Thanks for your thoughtful response