Are we open?

[Alcibiades]

So some background. My amazing boyfriend and I have been together for about three years, we're really good for each other and I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. The sex has and continues to be amazing as we're both really sexual and adventurous and unafraid to talk about / try out new kinks, etc. We've been having threesomes / foursomes for about a year or so now and honestly these have been very fun, erotic experiences that we both enjoyed and brought us closer together. We both thought we might get jealous but we haven't, only turned on.

So the downside / possible issue. We are semi-open, if that's even a thing. Sometimes he'll ask if he can do thus and such with this or that guy (always showing me pics of the dude and telling me all about it afterwards), and I've always let him. The main reason being they've been guys I am not into (and he was) or was not sexually compatible with (e.g. I'm a very dominant top and so were they, or they don't bottom etc.). And this was all well and good. But when I asked to do the same thing there was always an issue, reasons he had for refusing to let me sleep with so and so that seemed rather half assed and insubstantial. I've only done stuff with one other guy like this while he has done it several times.

When I asked him about it he made excuses, reasons why he wasn't comfortable with me sleeping with this or that particular guy (all of them) but I knew there was something more there. Finally he confessed he was jealous, something I found totally incomprehensible given our history and the way I let him sleep with other guys (we had agreed, or I thought we had, that we understood the distinction between love and sex and that when we made love together it was different and far more special than any meaningless hookup). But I love him and I suppose he had jealousy issues that I don't. That whole talk happened about two months ago, since then I've deleted my grindr (he still has one both to find a third guy for us and to find the occasional guy for himself) and haven't tried to sleep with anyone else without my boyfriend there.

The thing is he still says we're open? Are we? Are we open if I feel like 9 times out of 10 I won't be allowed to fuck the submissive bottom boy next door but he's allowed to get pounded by the aggressively dominant pre med student? If we're not open what are we? And how do I tell him that although I don't really mind too much, I do think it's unfair. Help!

 

[Ambition92]

If he's getting pissy that you want to also be able to mess around with other guys, then no I'd day you aren't open. It's totally unfair that he's allowed to fool around outside of the relationship and you're not. There's no difference. The only thing it seems is that he actually loves you enough to get bent out of shape by the thought of you screwing someone else.

 

[TX-Beau]

DO NOT get into a situation that uneven. It may not bother you now, but sooner or later you are going to start resenting him for that imbalance, and it won't have anything to do with jealousy on your part.

Tell him no more extras, if you can't he shouldn't - and you'll learn a great deal about him in the process. So far no one has crossed any lines, well, time for him the be the stand up guy he expects you you be.

You aren't in an open relationship unless you BOTH understand explicitly that you are - if you don't know anymore, time to dial it back and work on the two of you. There are guys out there that want their cake and eat it too, and that will eventually destroy your relationship if that's what's going on. I'm not saying that it is, just something to keep an eye on.

My relationship only works because we both know where the lines are and we both are afforded the exact same amount of latitude. We don't have rules about asking first, but we both have veto power - which neither of us abuse, it being understood that the objection has to be serious.

 

[KaraBulut]

...The thing is he still says we're open? Are we? Are we open if I feel like 9 times out of 10 I won't be allowed to fuck the submissive bottom boy next door but he's allowed to get pounded by the aggressively dominant pre med student? If we're not open what are we? And how do I tell him that although I don't really mind too much, I do think it's unfair. Help!

You're in a situation where you're living by his rules and for his convenience.

You have to decide what you want and not allow yourself to be manipulated into a double standard where he has one set of rules and you have another. If he's not willing to compromise, then eventually it will undermine your relationship.... it seems to already be an issue that's on the slow path to becoming the big issue that some day you'll look back and say, "What was I thinking?".

 

[EJMichaels]

My relationship only works because we both know where the lines are and we both are afforded the exact same amount of latitude.

Same here. We don't act on it equally, but there is one set of rules.

 

[Seasoned]

No matter the issue, a controlling partner damages the relationship.

 

[Rolyo85]

Not much to add. It's a matter of simple fairness. If he won't let you do it, he doesn't get to. And more - he doesn't get to define what your relationship is, unless you are completely on board.