Argh problem with straight friend being lame

[MindBlast]

Okay, so here's the dealio.

I met my best friend in grade 6, over 13 years ago now. He's straight and awesome and my being gay was no issue for him, we are still best friends.

The problem comes with a mutual friend of ours. I met this other guy when we were in grade 11 (back in 2001). The three of us have hung out very regularly until about last year when my best friend moved away for work (and he and I talk at least every week still, nothing much has changed).

This mutual friend, who I've now known for 8 years, has totally withdrawn from me. He and I used to hang out together, just the 2 of us and talk about cars and gaming and other stuff we both enjoy. I have NEVER laid my hands on him or even had a passing interest, and he seemed to be fine after he found out I was gay in 2002. But now, he doesn't want to hang out unless my best friend (who's also his friend) is present, and he only comes back to visit here a couple times a year.

I think my (former?) buddy is scared of me for whatever reason. I'm not interested in straight men and I'm not interested in him. I just don't want our friendship to die over something so stupid as him feeling unsafe for whatever reason around me. I can't even talk to him because he won't answer any calls even when I leave a message (I've tried to call him 3 times in the past 6 months). The reason I suspect all of this is that his ex-girl told me in secret that he was intimidated by me (physically I'm a lot larger/more muscular than he is, but I can't really believe that's the reason).

Basically I feel my options are these:

1. Ask my best bud why our mutual friend is avoiding me.

2. Wait until my best friend comes to visit and the 3 of us hang out again, and try to talk then. Maybe this guy is just too busy to have me as a friend?

3. Leave it alone totally and lose a friendship if it hasn't already been lost.

 

[TX-Beau]

Right. Stop trying to own his feelings. You extended your friendship, he ignored you. You can't change his feelings for him, and since he won't even talk to you, I don't know what there's left to go on here.

Nor can I see pestering him getting you anywhere either. You can't solve his issues for him.

 

[G-Lexington]

I've noticed as time goes on that friendships can ebb and flow. People I swore I'd be friends with forever I now am just friendly acquaintances with. Nothing "happened", really, other than the passage of time. We just drifted apart, and don't have as much common ground anymore. It may be this guy just drifted away, or perhaps he IS homophobic (although the fact that he comes with your mutual friend indicates that it's not that extreme). But whatever it is, either you can confront him on it, or just accept that you two have drifted apart. And since I doubt a confrontation will "prove" anything in any direction - will he have to come over more often to "prove" he's not homophobic? - then I'd say just accepting it would be the better move.

Lex

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Sometimes people just drift apart. Perhaps the guy that moved away was the "glue" that held the other guy in this friendship. And then, perhaps it was one or two of a dozen other possibilities.

Its unfortunate for you (because you are the one left in the dark), but he obviously justs wants his space right now. Perhaps that will change later, perhaps not. It makes sense for you to want to know what changed, but sometimes its not something that can be pinned down.

I'd leave this guy alone. You've made attempts to contact him without reply, and if you persue it you'll irritate him and make yourself look foolish.

 

[KaraBulut]

You have two different types of friends.

One friend sees friendship as a long-term commitment that is independent of time and distance. Probably when the two of you see each other in person, it feels like you just pick up where you left off- like you just saw each other yesterday.

Your other friend sees friendships as temporary and based upon what the friend does for him or how much he needs the friend.

You are lucky to have a friend who values long-term friendships in the way that you do. Be thankful and focus your energy on those friends.

Don't waste time or energy worrying about the friends who don't value friendship. And don't let the gay issue bother you- if a friend can't accept you for the person that you are, they're really not much of a real friend, are they?

 

[MindBlast]

You have two different types of friends.

One friend sees friendship as a long-term commitment that is independent of time and distance. Probably when the two of you see each other in person, it feels like you just pick up where you left off- like you just saw each other yesterday.

Your other friend sees friendships as temporary and based upon what the friend does for him or how much he needs the friend.

You are lucky to have a friend who values long-term friendships in the way that you do. Be thankful and focus your energy on those friends.

Don't waste time or energy worrying about the friends who don't value friendship. And don't let the gay issue bother you- if a friend can't accept you for the person that you are, they're really not much of a real friend, are they?

First off, thanks guys for all your help. But this really struck me (the underlined). I think I've been naive and just assumed that everyone thought of friendship similarly (which was kind of stupid on my part).

I'm going to just leave him alone (not like I've bothered him much, I didn't think 3 calls in the span of 6 months was excessive...the only time he did respond it was short and to the point). I see now that he's clearly lost interest in any sort of friendship.

I'll keep spending my energy on my best bud instead. I went and visited him in Hong Kong in the summer (and met his girlfriend who lives there). He doesn't live or work there but he visits there to see her and we coordinated our vacations. He's coming back here in late December and we're going to hang out again (in fact he called me today from the desert where he's working). I just hope it isn't too awkward for me with our mutual friend at his house at the same time (because I know it's bound to happen that the 3 of us end up hanging out together).

 

[texan_slant]

Friendships are dynamic, and can change over the course of time - not to anyone's fault, but over circumstance, and by all means not intentional.

While some friendships can last a lifetime, there are the friendships that naturally become distant as time passes and needs change.

It's best not to force a friendship to happen, but allow it to occur naturally. The ones that seem to take too much effort are the ones that I tend to "let go" nowadays. The ones that don't naturall seek me out if I've done most of the work are also the ones that I have been letting go.

Again, I wouldn't force the issue, nor would I bring it up with your best friend. It seems like you've done everything you could, and the ball is in your friend's court.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

which was kind of stupid on my part

I'll keep spending my energy on my best bud instead.

Not stupid, caring. This guy was a friend and he mattered at that time, and he probably still matters. I hope someday that you'll be able to chat together and it'll resolve itself.

But, yes, think to positive things. You have other friends that can reciprocate that friendship.