Attracting the wrong people

[dhchitown1984]

Just releasing some pent-up frustration. I had this streak of always finding myself in relationships with ego-centric, narcissistic, selfish guys. The relationships would always start off well, and then I'd end up hurt when the relationships would end because I was cheated on, or "it's just not working" and never getting closure... ...which, narcissistic and selfish guys in my experiences have never been good about holding themselves accountable. This pattern was repeated for four consecutive boyfriends. I took a good chunk of time off from the dating world when the last one ended to work with a professional to identify what void I was trying to fill through this relatively similar guys, and then fill that void so I won't repeat it.

But in the past couple of months as I work dating back into my social patterns, I'm finding that I'm still quickly connecting with guys who have those same personality traits. I feel that I'm over it because I can quickly identify the behavior patterns and I know it's not what I want and I address it, but it's frustrating that I keep having the quick-connection with those types of guys. I just wish I could figure out what I'm projecting that makes it happen so I could stop it!

So this was more of a vent than anything... just frustrated!!

 

[Craiger]

Is it a particular physical attraction that draws you to these types? You speak of egocentric, narcissistic, and selfish guys. Is it their physical presence that raise the red flags? Perhaps lowering the "outer beauty" expectations and searching for an "inner beauty" may serve you better. Hopefully you will break the pattern and find someone worthy of you affections. Good luck.

Craiger

 

[Seasoned]

This would be similar to a non-recovering co-dependent finding one addict after another. I don't know how to describe it other than two people "globbing" on to one another. If I were you I'd look at some self-help books which discuss the fear of intimacy. Read a bit to see if it fits. If so, you could get back with a therapist to work on that specific issue. You may be repeating an old pattern you've might have had in the past with important people in your life giving you the unspoken message of, "I love you; go away."

 

[dhchitown1984]

Craiger - I think I've gone outside of my "normal" type. I have a female friend who I will bring around a guy I'm interest in to get her opinion - she knows where I've been, and what I don't want to find anymore, so I feel comfortable getting her opinion. One piece of feedback she gave me one night was "these guys look nothing like [your exes]." I've also made a conscious effort to be open to conversation and flirtation with guys I wouldn't normally be immediately attracted too. So as far as physical appearance, I'd say I'm making the right moves, I could just be striking out for a few innings.

Seasoned: As always, your advice says so much. The "I love you; go away" theory has been something I've talked about before, and the relationships with the guys I've been seeing continue to fall into that category.

 

[Seasoned]

If you keep persuing a healthy mindset you'll see all the red flags sooner and sooner and rather than being attracted to guys that are emotionally unavailable you'll have a sense of which to avoid. In fact you may already have that sense, but something internal may be telling you to ignore it. Best wishes.

 

[palemale]

It seems odd to me that you encounter so many narcissistic, ego centric guys. Is it possible you're projecting and that, in fact, you are the narcissist?

 

[KaraBulut]

...I'm finding that I'm still quickly connecting with guys who have those same personality traits. I feel that I'm over it because I can quickly identify the behavior patterns and I know it's not what I want and I address it, but it's frustrating that I keep having the quick-connection with those types of guys. I just wish I could figure out what I'm projecting that makes it happen so I could stop it!

This would be similar to a non-recovering co-dependent finding one addict after another. I don't know how to describe it other than two people "globbing" on to one another.

There is a question that people in situations like this are often asked, "What do all these relationships have in common?". The answer of course is "You".

While these guys may different from each other physically, they have many personality traits that are similar. But what makes them very similar is that you are attracted to those traits and you chose to get into relationships with them.

It is a pattern. The key to this is not only to figure out what makes you get involved with these wrong guys. Part of the key is to figure out why you're letting the good ones get away.

 

[mcbrion]

Have you examined yourself to see if you aren't repeating patterns you learned while young? I talked to a guy recently who said he had 'great' parents, but the more questions I asked him and got a response, the more I saw he did NOT have great parents: they were - as much as I could tell in an online conversation - cold in temperament and dismissive.
The easiest way to determine who you will be attracted to is to look closely at your own parents. The idiom,"men marry their mothers, and women marry their fathers is not far off the mark."
If you keep engaging the wrong guys, it is frequently due to 1), low self-esteem, 2), underdeveloped emotional psyche (yours) (and this is not meant to be insulting). It means that parents guide us thru the stages of emotional development. If one of your parents (usually the mother) was herself unable to do this due to her own (damaged) upbringing, you may be 'aping' her behavior (doing it the way 'mom did it,' as I have heard so many times).
Here's a test: have friends pick up a nice guy, someone you would be attracted to (we don't want the excuse, 'i'm not attracted to him' to be your excuse) physically, and someone who is kind and warm, and see how you react. If you find yourself saying, 'He's too nice,' then you have some psychological issues. There's no such thing as a man who's "too nice" (ask women - healthy ones, please, about this). There's only someone whose niceness makes you feel inferior because you cannot be as nice back.
AND: are you asking questions about their family. Let me give you a clue here: people who hate mom or dad or their siblings have more troubled relationships than people who love their parents and siblings. If you are still working with the professional (therapist, i presume), ask them about this. It's rarely - if ever - wrong that disliking the parents, particularly the mother produces an emotionally well-balanced adult. It sounds like you're still following a pattern. Besides, as soon as you start seeing red flags, and you continue to engage these people, you're all but saying 'i know you're not good for me, but I don't know how to choose someone who's actually good for me.'