Awkward Situation

[Esquire0399]

I need help. I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do. Here's my situation:

After spending the last 9 years of my life fighting my homosexuality, I finally accepted it just after my 20th birthday, 6 months ago. This acceptance was a huge relief for me. I finally felt like everything was clear. But I'm still not totally ready to come out, though my best friend does know and is very accepting (I love her so much).

About 2 months ago when I was doing a fashion show I met this girl. At first it seemed like she was stalking me because she seemed to always be exactly where I was (it was kind of creepy), but later I saw her at a party and got to know her a little better. She was cool and I figured we could end up being great friends. This is where the problem started. I guess she misinterpreted my intentions because she told me that she liked me. I expressed to her that I wasn't into her that way, but since I'm not out yet, I didn't tell her why. She told me it was fine and that we should be friends. So we started hanging out, going to movies and stuff and everything was fine. Recently she told me she still really likes me, and to be honest I felt like I kind of liked her too. At first this made me question if I might be bi, and not completely gay. This, however, is definitely not the case as I find that while I like this girl's personality, I feel absolutely zero physical or sexual attraction to her. That tells me that all we can ever really be is friends. But, I messed up last night and told her that I like her. I'm not really sure why I did. I guess I just didn't want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable. Sometimes I'm just too nice for my own good and would rather I feel uncomfortable myself that make other people feel that way. Now she thinks I want a relationship. Not good. This is not conducive to my planned coming out at all.

I feel like the only way I can take back what I said without looking like a complete ass is to come out to her, but since I've only known her for 2 months, I don't know how much I can trust her with that secret. I'd really rather not be outed (accidentally or otherwise.) I saw it happen to my friend and it sucked.

What should I do? Should I tell her the truth? Should I find some other way to get out of this situation? Wow, I feel like such a dick for letting this go on for so long. HELP!

 

[hackingnomberr]

Ahhhh you fucked up! D:
Coming out to her is really the easiest way out, but I'm like not out to anyone so it definitely wouldn't be my way of going about it. Were you like under the influence when you told her? Because you can definitely blame it on that, otherwise if you definitely know that there is no way you can have an attraction to her, you need to just come up with some BS reason as to why you can't have a relationship with her right now, like you're not ready for it in your life or something like that.

 

[Esquire0399]

I think I went a few steps past fucking up. For the time being I kind of messed up life completely, at least until I figure a way out of this. Unfortunately i don't drink or use any drugs so I can't use that excuse. Trust me, though, I did think of it. Damn this sucks so bad. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world.

 

[Seasoned]

I used to use the gay excuse when women came on to me and I always felt like shit afterwards. What excuse to straight guys use? What excuse would you use if she were a guy you weren't into? I'd tell her that I was sorry if she got the wrong impression, but I like her as a friend. If she isn't OK with that then she'll have to move on. When I was fighting my homosexuality an exgirlfriend told her family we broke up because I was gay. I don't know what she told them when we got back together for a short time. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Try your best to control your own coming out process.

 

[trawler69]

It is possible to like someone without wanting to have sex with them, you can even love someone without wanting to have sex with them. Could you not tell her that when you say you like her, it doesn't mean you want to have a relationship. Just explain that you are not at that point in your life yet but that you value her as a great friend. Then later, when you are more comfortable you can come out to her explaining that that is the reason you were uneasy about starting a relationship as you were unsure of your sexuality and didn't want to hurt her.

 

[KaraBulut]

You need to go back and clarify "like". And you need to tell her that you're gay.

You can't be everything to everyone, so don't feel guilty. Just set the record straight and apologize to her if she feels like you misled her.

 

[Esquire0399]

Thanks guys. I think I have a problem where I try so hard to make everyone else happy that a lot of times I forget to include myself in that. This comes from always trying to avoid being judged by my mom (not because I'm gay, she doesn't know).

I will think about this situation more and do my best to separate myself from it without hurting anyone too bad. I have some cleaning up to do and it's not going be easy. Again, thanks! I like JUB.

 

[CtBoyWonder]

Thanks guys. I think I have a problem where I try so hard to make everyone else happy that a lot of times I forget to include myself in that. This comes from always trying to avoid being judged by my mom (not because I'm gay, she doesn't know).

I will think about this situation more and do my best to separate myself from it without hurting anyone too bad. I have some cleaning up to do and it's not going be easy. Again, thanks! I like JUB.

Moms always know.........................

 

[G-Lexington]

One of the main reasons I advocate coming out isn't for some sort of "empowerment" or what have you. It's because it simplifies things dramatically. There's no trying to remember who knows what, there's no pronoun games ("I'm seeing someone..."), there's no telling people not to tell, there's no worrying that the wrong person will find out too early, there's no wondering if people suspect or know, and there's none of this. When a girl told me several years back that she found me "really interesting", I told her I was flattered (and shocked), and then told her I was gay. No drama, no hair-pulling, no agonizing what to do or say. She was a bit disappointed, but we stayed friends, and our lives just went on.

Give it some thought.

Lex

 

[Esquire0399]

One of the main reasons I advocate coming out isn't for some sort of "empowerment" or what have you. It's because it simplifies things dramatically. There's no trying to remember who knows what, there's no pronoun games ("I'm seeing someone..."), there's no telling people not to tell, there's no worrying that the wrong person will find out too early, there's no wondering if people suspect or know, and there's none of this. When a girl told me several years back that she found me "really interesting", I told her I was flattered (and shocked), and then told her I was gay. No drama, no hair-pulling, no agonizing what to do or say. She was a bit disappointed, but we stayed friends, and our lives just went on.

Give it some thought.

Lex

This makes a lot of sense. I will definitely consider just coming out. I'm so tired of living a lie and trying not to give myself away at this point that it doesn't really seem worth the stress anymore. Thanks for the advice. I think I know what I have to do.

 

[evilmr]

I'd bring it back to basics if you feel you can't tell her you're a homosexual. That means, bring it back to a friendship, which seems easier in theory. She doesn't have to know your sexuality.

 

[Elwood]

One of the main reasons I advocate coming out isn't for some sort of "empowerment" or what have you. It's because it simplifies things dramatically. There's no trying to remember who knows what, there's no pronoun games ("I'm seeing someone..."), there's no telling people not to tell, there's no worrying that the wrong person will find out too early, there's no wondering if people suspect or know, and there's none of this. When a girl told me several years back that she found me "really interesting", I told her I was flattered (and shocked), and then told her I was gay. No drama, no hair-pulling, no agonizing what to do or say. She was a bit disappointed, but we stayed friends, and our lives just went on.

Give it some thought.

Lex

Quoted because it is so true!! I just came out to the last people who did not know I was gay, my twin 13 year old boys. I came out at 38 after being married and having two kids. It took me 5-6 years to finally be able to tell everyone. The first year after my divorce was spent desperately trying to hide the "new" me and trying to figure out the little white lies that people would believe. It became very tedious trying to remember the details of my little white lies. I highly recommend coming out it just makes life so much simpler. Goodluck with your coming out!!!

 

[payit4ward]

Just gently tell her that when you said you like her that you only meant in a friendship capacity and nothing more and in terms of coming out people talk about you more when they suspect it but aren't sure than they do when you come out to them. after you come out people are usually like ok so your gay and they go on with their life.

 

[kissthesky88]

how well do you know anyone after only 2 months? i've been me for my entire life and sometimes i genuinely shock and amaze myself. you don't have to tell her anything. you don't have to "take it back", or stop seeing her to avoid awkwardness. hell- you can even date her if you want. light a couple of candles, down a couple of shots and drill her deep into the mattress if you feel like it. just make sure you're not giving up your comfort, your emotional stability, your happiness... just to "not look like an ass".

 

[Esquire0399]

how well do you know anyone after only 2 months? i've been me for my entire life and sometimes i genuinely shock and amaze myself. you don't have to tell her anything. you don't have to "take it back", or stop seeing her to avoid awkwardness. hell- you can even date her if you want. light a couple of candles, down a couple of shots and drill her deep into the mattress if you feel like it. just make sure you're not giving up your comfort, your emotional stability, your happiness... just to "not look like an ass".

I get what you're trying to say saying, but the idea of lying to her exactly what make me feel uncomfortable and emotionally unstable. I don't think it's fair to her or to myself to lie. This entire situation is completely outside of my nature. I can't even believe I let it happen. I'll get past it though, somehow.