Back together with ex-boyfriend

[gulfer]

First, I have warn you that my English isn't that fluent, but I hope that you still could understand what I'm saying.

I'm a 19-year-old guy and mostly closeted (only a couple of friends of mine know that I'm gay). Last summer I finally started dating this guy (he's now 18, also in the closet), who was, and still remains, my only boyfriend to date.

It was really hard for us to meet each other, and I was under a lot of pressure at school, so I eventually decided to broke up with him. The bad thing is that I broke up with him by sending him a message via internet in the middle of a night, and that is by far the stupidest and most hurtful thing I've ever done to anyone in my entire life. We met after I sent that message, and he said that there were no hard feelings.

After the break-up we still kept talking to each other in Facebook etc. It was really clear that he wanted to get back together with me, but I didn't feel the same way, so I slowly started to cut him off of my life. However, earlier this month we once again started chatting in Facebook, and he told me that he was dating this new guy and that they were more than happy together. I was rather surprised when I realised that I was jealous, but obviously I didn't say anything to him, because I didn't want to be the "bitter ex-boyfriend."

Last weekend he asked me to go to a bar with him, and without any hesitation I said yes. Actually, for the first time ever, I got to meet a couple of his friends. We got really, really drunk that night and had fun. After we left the bar he took me to this dark street where he kissed me. He told me that he really didn't date the "new guy," and that he still was in love with me. I also told him that I had missed him.

So, we're now back together. First I felt happy, but now I've started to think if this was a mistake and we shouldn't have gotten back together at all. He, one of the kindest person I've ever met, seems really happy and I, too, do still enjoy spending time with him. I'm just not sure if I could like him as a boyfriend; we've pretty much agreed that on Friday we'll have sex for the first time since the break-up, and I'm starting to feel a little pressured.

I'm starting a 6-month military service in July, so we couldn't meet each other that much during the summer/fall, and after that I'm going to move to a different city to study, which would virtually mean that we would have to break up or start a long-distance relationship. I feel like it would be too harsh if I just told him now, only a couple of days later after we got back together, that I want to break up. Today he talked about marriage, and albeit I know he was 99-percent joking, I still got a little terrified. I don't think I have changed a bit since last fall, and neither has he, so we would still have to face the very same problems than before. And I'm not ready to come out to my parents quite yet, and one of the reasons I broke up with him in the first place was that I didn't want to hide my romance; it's just too hard.

He's the only guy I've ever been with, and thus he's very important for me. I wouldn't want to lose him, and I care about him too much to hurt him again. But what should I do? Should I just continue this relationship and hope that he would "forget me" during the summer when I'm not around that much?

 

[Seasoned]

Thanks for posting. You need to sort out your thoughts and feelings independent of him. What are your relationship/dating needs and wants? Since good sex helps cement relationships, he may be willing to wait for you while you do your military service and having sex now, only to break up in a few months seems more cruel than having a heart to heart and letting him know your misgivings.

Your English is very good, by the way.

 

[swerve]

MY opinion is that you don't deserve him...

Break if off -- learn who YOU are -- and go from there...

Sometimes people don't become adults at the same time...

Best of luck in the service...

 

[sixthson]

I tend to agree with Swerve on this. You are not wanting to break up with your bf for any reason other than that you are an ashamed closeted man. You are mature enough for college, mature enough for military service and mature enough to move away, but you are too immature to be honest with others about who you are.

Unless you do some fast growing up, I think you are going to regret losing him.

 

[gulfer]

A big thanks to all of you who tried to help me with my relationship problems.

We are still together, or at least I assume so. We did have "the talk," we did have sex and I thought everything was okay.

However, I haven't heard anything of him since we met for lunch on Wednesday. I did send him a text message afterwards, but he didn't answer. Based on his Facebook status updates, I assume that he's currently out of town with his friends. But if he was able to use Facebook, one would assume that he would be able to use his cell phone to send text messages as well, right?

I don't know if he got mad after I had to cancel our date due to other duties. I just can't believe he would be so immature that he wouldn't say anything to me. I know it must be frustrating for him to live according to my timetable, but in my defence, he did know what I am like when we got back together.

So... our relationship, if it even exists anymore, is still quite a mess, isn't it?

 

[gulfer]

I know this is a double-post, but I really need to share my feelings.

I finally found out why he didn't contact me. I know I'm not a perfect boyfriend, but there's one thing I cannot understand, stand or forgive, and that is cheating.

He now admitted, via Facebook, that he was mad at me when I canceled our meeting, so he decided to hook up with a stranger whom he met online. And, of course, they had sex. He now tries to apologise and says that he wanted to "try something new," as I am bottom and he's versatile.

I always thought that if my boyfriend ever cheated on me, I would be very immature about it and it wouldn't be a big deal. But now I'm literally shaking and I don't really know what to say to him. He says he understands if need time to think about this, but I don't think time is going to change anything. He broke my trust. And while he admits that what he did was wrong I feel like he's trying to guilt me and make me the bad guy.

Now I really wish I wasn't in the closet, because I would really need some support from my family and friends.

 

[bankside]

I have so many questions. You like him but when you are with him you don't know if you can see him as your boyfriend. What do you think a boyfriend should be?

Things are going well but you both have the same issues as before. What issues? I have been with my guy for 14 years. We have faced issues we didn't even know about, and issues we didn't know how to face.

Finally, you cancelled a date so he slept with someone else, but one date is no big deal. I wonder if you did something that really bothers him how many men he would have slept with? That is crazy. Leave him and his guilt behind. If he wants to get an STD having "revenge sex" because you cancelled a date, or because he doesn't like the shirt you're wearing, or because you forgot to put the lid on the toothpaste, let him.

 

[Georgiadude]

send his lying, cheating ass packing. I have ZERO sympathy for a cheater. NONE. he's trying to "guilt" you into thinking it's your fault he cheated. What a scumbag. You deserve better. the only reason he confessed (via facebook no less, coward) was because you busted him on it. He's a spineless douche.

will you ever really, honestly be able to trust him again? If you do your a fool. cheaters cheat. the only reason he's sorry is because he got caught. these things dont just happen. they take planning and action on his part. He had plenty of time to change his mind or back out. he went through with it. now he has to face the consequences of his actions. I hope the few minutes of pleasure he got was worth it because I'd dump his ass in a heartbeat.

Steven.

 

[HunterM]

Yep, it's time to kick his ass to the curb and keep him out of your life!

 

[KaraBulut]

You're both very young. While you both have good intentions and do care about each other, it's apparent from the behaviors that you've described that neither of you is ready for this level of commitment.

It would be better if you both set aside the idea of dating until you are both ready to not use these things to push each other away.

 

[gulfer]

I really appreciate you help, so thank you to all of yo.

We are going to meet later this week and talk things through, so that there would be no hard feelings. But it will probably be the last time we meet or talk. I don't think we could continue "just as friends."

He told me yesterday that he still likes me very much and wants to be with me. But I think that he doesn't want to be with me - he wants to be we someone. It doesn't matter if that someone is me or a total stranger, he just wants someone to tell him they like him. If he truly wanted to be with me and me only, he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

He got mad at me on Thursday morning, but he didn't cheat on me until Friday evening, which means that he had plenty of time to plan the cheating. And if he had cheated on me with someone he met in a bar, for example, would've been easier to understand. But now he tried to find someone online, so it wasn't "just an accident." (Though it can never be one, can it?)

He needs someone who wants to be around him 24/7, while I need to be alone every now and then. This may sound a bit stupid, but on 'How I Met Your Mother' Ted suggested that the two things that are needed in a relationship are chemistry and timing, and on some level I agree with that statement. We do have the chemistry, but the timing was bad as we wanted different things. And while I actually can forgive the cheating, I can never forget. At the moment it's pretty much the only thing I can think about. But I guess time will help me to forget him.

But I think that this all proves that I did care about him. Otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so frigging much.

 

[goldenprascho]

He lied to you about dating someone else while you were not together. How do you know he has really cheated on you and isn't just trying to make you feel hurt? Not that that isn't a dump-worthy attitude either...

 

[bankside]

I really appreciate you help, so thank you to all of yo.

We are going to meet later this week and talk things through, so that there would be no hard feelings. But it will probably be the last time we meet or talk. I don't think we could continue "just as friends."

He told me yesterday that he still likes me very much and wants to be with me. But I think that he doesn't want to be with me - he wants to be we someone. It doesn't matter if that someone is me or a total stranger, he just wants someone to tell him they like him. If he truly wanted to be with me and me only, he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

He got mad at me on Thursday morning, but he didn't cheat on me until Friday evening, which means that he had plenty of time to plan the cheating. And if he had cheated on me with someone he met in a bar, for example, would've been easier to understand. But now he tried to find someone online, so it wasn't "just an accident." (Though it can never be one, can it?)

He needs someone who wants to be around him 24/7, while I need to be alone every now and then. This may sound a bit stupid, but on 'How I Met Your Mother' Ted suggested that the two things that are needed in a relationship are chemistry and timing, and on some level I agree with that statement. We do have the chemistry, but the timing was bad as we wanted different things. And while I actually can forgive the cheating, I can never forget. At the moment it's pretty much the only thing I can think about. But I guess time will help me to forget him.

But I think that this all proves that I did care about him. Otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so frigging much.

If I'm ever wondering about anything I might do in my 14 year relationship I ask myself "How will this turn him on?" or "How will this let him know he's loved?" or "How will this let him know I'm thinking about him?"

If I can't come up with a good reason as to why something will build my relationship, I don't do it. It makes things really easy. And the bottom line is, I picked him, to make him feel like today is better than yesterday and tomorrow might even be better than today.

And though when you love someone it is without condition, it is a practical thing: I would not waste my time or his if he let me know these things didn't matter to him.

Your right about accidents. He made a choice where none of those questions mattered to him. It's not a question of forgiveness. He made a choice. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

 

[KaraBulut]

He told me yesterday that he still likes me very much and wants to be with me. But I think that he doesn't want to be with me - he wants to be we someone. It doesn't matter if that someone is me or a total stranger, he just wants someone to tell him they like him. If he truly wanted to be with me and me only, he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

Perhaps. But in the end, his motives don't really change the situation.

When you're talking to someone that you're in a relationship, it's not much use to try to second guess their motives. Ask him how he feels. Then shut up and listen.

One of life's cruel lessons is that love isn't enough to make relationships work. It takes maturity. It takes a willingness to put the other person's needs before your own on occasion. It takes respect for each other so that you honor commitments that you make to each other- like not cheating, for example.

The issue here is not his motivation for being in a relationship. The issue is that while the two of you have feelings for each other, neither of you is ready for the level of commitment that you're contemplating. You're both in over your head.

 

[gulfer]

^ I think I know what you mean, and I can't help but agree.

Actually I'm a little releaved that my military service begins soon, so that I have no time for any of this dating hassle. I just hope that he also understands that I don't want to be with him. Earlier today he sent me a message in Facebook and asked if I had already decided "whether I want to strangle or hang him," but I didn't notice his message until he had already logged out. But I have to say that I'm seriously not ready to joke about this with him yet.

 

[KaraBulut]

Earlier today he sent me a message in Facebook and asked if I had already decided "whether I want to strangle or hang him," but I didn't notice his message until he had already logged out. But I have to say that I'm seriously not ready to joke about this with him yet.

It's probably not a joke.

A lot of guys will say stuff like this to start a fight. You've already commented that he doesn't like to be alone.

Fighting ends in making up. Being ignored or shut out doesn't. He's probably hoping that you'll message back, start a fight, pick things up where you left off and everything will be forgiven.

 

[gulfer]

It's probably not a joke.

A lot of guys will say stuff like this to start a fight. You've already commented that he doesn't like to be alone.

Fighting ends in making up. Being ignored or shut out doesn't. He's probably hoping that you'll message back, start a fight, pick things up where you left off and everything will be forgiven.

During our relationship, we have actually never fought. Somehow we've always managed to stay calm and mature when discussing uncomfortable issues (like when we broke up last fall). So I think he was joking.

Albeit he said earlier that he wants to meet and talk, we haven't done so. I wish we could talk all things through, because I haven't been able to do anything but think about him and all this mess. And it certainly doesn't help that I see him logging in and out in Facebook all the time (he pretty much disappears whenever I log in).