Bad blood with Older brother

[Brijan]

Embarrassed because you don't think he...
"approves" or
"accepts" or
"still likes/loves you" or, or, or?

Those closest to us have the most power over us. They are able to hurt us the most. (Not saying it is intentional, just that is hurts more. It also sounds like you might be the one with the problem...)

 

[StlKj]

Piggy,

I've wondered this since you first told everyone about him finding out, and you being mad at him--it really sounds like there is some projection going on here. Could you be projecting your own discomfort with your sexuality onto him, thereby judging him before he can judge you? We can feel like we've come a long way in accepting ourselves until we come face to face with someone whose opinion/acceptance is really important to us, and then we find we're not nearly as comfortable with who we are as we thought. Is that happening here?

Do you want him to accept you? If so, isn't it time you gave him the chance? He did invite you to dinner; is that something someone who didn't accept you would do? It just sounds like if you're experiencing some internal shame, then perhaps you're shoving him away for something he has no control over.

Shame can be so hurtful, for the one who feels it, and those around him who are affected by it. How hurt might he be that his little brother won't talk to him or accept his invitation to dinner, which he went to the trouble of to cook himself? Four months have passed since he found out--how much longer will you make both of you pay for this?

Go easy on yourself, little piglet. You're okay just as you are.

 

[StlKj]

Sounds about right.

I thought I was beyond this.

I guess not.

(((((((((((((((((((((Piggy))))))))))))))))))))))))

You've made such amazing progress since you first started on these boards, Bud. We sometimes don't realize that coming out to ourselves is a process, not just an event. Hell, some of us find out our loved ones are far more accepting of it than we are ourselves. It takes time, patience, and love of one's self to get there.

Be kind to you, Piggy. You're worth it.

 

[StlKj]

It's clear I need to start talking to my brother.

But the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach. I'm nervous. Scared.

Your relationship with him has always been where you don't talk about anything big and heavy--why does that need to change? By going about your relationship as he always has, is he not letting you know that nothing has really changed for him?

He knows, so you don't have to tell him. You're not out pursuing a really active bisexual life yet, so what would you have to say to him about it? He hasn't changed, and neither have you, really. Just talk about what you normally would talk about.

And as far as your other family members not bringing it up, maybe they sense that it's not an easy issue for you to discuss. Maybe they don't really care, because you're their brother, and that's all that matters. Maybe some of them aren't cool with it, but they don't want to make you feel bad, so they're just going to learn to deal with it. You can second guess them all you like, but if they know and they aren't treating you any differently, then that's saying something.

 

[martin6]

Piggy, your brother invited you and your sister to dinner. I'd say that invitation is a sign that he'd love to talk to ya.

Sure it's gonna be nerve-wracking until you actually start a dialogue. No way around that. But suck it up cuz I'm pretty sure that once the dialogue starts, it will be easy and a lot less of a big deal than you are worried it might be.

 

[tallguy297]

It's clear I need to start talking to my brother.

But the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach. I'm nervous. Scared.

Hey Piggy,

Mate..., I would never presume to know you well enough to know what I'm going to say is fact but heres what I can read in between the lines from your posts...

You love your brother. You admire him and think hugely of him. He means the world to you. He's an important part of your life as are the rest of your family. But you feel like you've let him down... and yet you're angry because he didnt sweep you up in your arms and tell you that it didnt matter and that its all ok.

Piggy... its ok. Its ok to be scared. And its ok to be embarrassed too mate... because your brother feels exactly the way you do. Both of you love and care for each other so much and yet neither of you know what to do about the awkward silence thats built up... neither of you know how to make that first step to say "I love you and always will no matter".

My family is the same as yours mate... no news is good news. If we just go on and pretend nothing happened then nothing needs to be said. Its in no way bad news, it doenst mean he or they think less of you, but you have just taken them so far out of their comfort zone they dont know what to do or say without fear of screwing it up... so they say nothing. And you in return do the same for all the same reasons.

Looking at your brother is most likely looking in the mirror. Both of you would most likely handle things in a similar way when it comes to dealing with your family... and its all about how your family works - nothing more or nothing less. Somethings are best left unsaid... and some are for sure. But not this. Its important to you to know that you guys are ok... and now its even more important because he'll be worried too.

Piggy, go and see him. Make a time when you can be alone... and talk. And tell him how much he means to you and that you miss him and hope you havent hurt him. My guess is that none of the things you thought were true will be. He just doenst know what to say... and only you can make that unease go away for him. Only you can set the agenda so he knows that he wont hurt you or push you away.

Its going to be hard and you might even choke on the words - I know I did. But I also know that you will never regret telling someone so close to you that you love them.

The confusion our families feels when they find out we are gay is only compounded by silence mate... and the sad reality is that we become the experts in our fields when this happens. We are the only ones who know how much can and cant be said to us without us feeling uneasy or upset. Our families have no clue where that boundary is now because this is so new to them.

He loves you mate... and you him. And nothing will take that away.

Its time to talk Piggy, for him to know that you are still the awesome incredible little brother that he always had, that nothings changed... and get back to loving having big brother back in your life.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm realizing I'm part of the problem.

Good. Because you are 50% of the problem.

I see as I have these options:

1) keep on avoiding him
2) act like nothing happened. Move-on
3) confront him about what happened

You forgot #4:
4) Sit down and talk like two adults

Here's the thing with siblings- no matter how old or who functional you become, when you are dealing with your siblings, it is easy to fall back into the pattern of arguing and fighting and being petty- just like when you were children.

You're an adult. If you want to have a better relationship with your brother, make it happen. This means sitting down and talking openly. Nothing will ever get better if you don't stop acting like children.

 

[rareboy]

It definitely sounds like he is being more of an adult about this than you.

Apologize for not making dinner and then take the two of them out.

And just move on with being brothers. It doesn't sound like he cares about your sexuality.

 

[Scrub]

And just move on with being brothers. It doesn't sound like he cares about your sexuality.

I agree with rareboy's statement here.

Piggy, move on and just be his brother. Spend time with the family and don't let anything else get in the way.

When and if it's time to talk more you will know that, but avoiding him is not the answer.

 

[G-Lexington]

It sounds like you never were all the clase to your brother. But apparently, he's still willing to be with you. Your coming out doesn't appear to have pushed him away, but you seem to think it should've drawn you together. Sorry - doesn't look like that'll happen.

Accept that, and be happy for the fact that he still accepts you in his life. And look elsewhere for someone to be close to.

Lex

 

[123kid]

It's clear I need to start talking to my brother.

But the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach. I'm nervous. Scared.

With all do respect, in my eyes you did the hardest part by letting people know. Its time to man up and get it over with. You are 29 years old this is not as big of a deal as you may think. You can do it, I am sure you can. Just put a little more faith in yourself. Talk to your brother and move on with life!!!

 

[texan_slant]

In order to muster through relationships, you need to communicate - and not necessarily about sexuality. This is the only way that you can connect with others, and your brother has somewhat stepped up to the plate because his invitation for dinner is an olive branch - in itself - a piece of communication that he values you, because actions speak louder than words.

When the time is right, you might want to step up to the plate and talk to him - about anything.

 

[KaraBulut]

My brother and I have never said we love or care for each other.

Do you want to change this or are you happy with the way things are?

 

[Inwood]

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You are who you are, and you should make no apologies for it. Now is the time for you to go on and live your life as if there is nothing to be ashamed about. And why is that? Because there is nothing to be ashamed about!

This scenario will pan out one of two ways. Either he'll continue to be awkward around you, which, if that is the case I'd probably ask him to speak to someone at PFLAG (of if there's a bisexual equivalent, then that). Or, he'll eventually get over it and become the brother you once knew.

Either way, there's not much you can do to help the situation, but acting awkward yourself might not help either. Try to be yourself and let the cards fall where they may.

I don't envy your situation as I've been in it myself. Fortunately my situation turned out for the better. I hope the same for you.

 

[Lube]

Actions speak louder than words.

Your brother sounds like my entire family: we never talk about anything. But that's the way it's been, and that's the way it's always going to be. Whether it's sexuality or death or politics, no one is willing to discuss topics like these. We either yell or don't talk. (Unless you get them drunk and it's 2 am; then they'll open up a little.)

But his action (inviting you to dinner) shows that he loves you still. This is his only way of showing that. Accept it for what it is.

 

[tallguy297]

My brother and I have never said we love or care for each other.

Somethings dont need to be said mate... you just know. Its one of those unspoken things that doesnt seem obvious until something like this happens.

I'm not happy.

I thought I was, but I'm not.

It's time to act like an adult and do something about it.

And somethings DO need to be said.

And I'm positive you know just how to sort this out... because its the type of guy you are and you wont be happy in yourself until you do... It says a lot about you Piggy. Be proud of who you are mate and the decision you made... it says a lot about you.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm not happy.

I thought I was, but I'm not.

It's time to act like an adult and do something about it.

Aye, you can only change the future... never the past.

 

[jhnphilipps]

I think all of the above.

I'm realizing I'm part of the problem.

In the past, we never had a relationship where we shared our feelings with each other.

Now that he knows my secret, he's acting like nothing happened between us.

I see as I have these options:

1) keep on avoiding him
2) act like nothing happened. Move-on
3) confront him about what happened

Dude for all this is worth, he is family. One may find a wife/husband/or whatever,
but family is the one that sticks by you through thick or thin. My folks stood by me during my difficult divorce...yes from a woman. Give him some time and he'll come around.