Bareback?

[Jo-thin]

Hello guys
I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years ad we are a very sexual couple! From the start of having anal sex it's always been without a condom because we are each others 1st. So in that case, if we are each others 1st and we have sex (without condoms) is there any risk of catching an STD? I'm just wondering, we love each other so much and even talking about taking the relationship to another level (like moving in, staying together forever) so any information on barebacking?

 

[Corny]

IF it is like that, and if you continue to be the only sexual partner for each other, THEN you are safe.

so this is also a question of trust and faithfulness.

 

[Jo-thin]

Thanks Corny!
It seems that it will be that way (hopefully)
but I don't have to worry about his poo infecting me in anyway? or even cumming in his butt (funny word)?

 

[Corny]

you might get an UTI (urinal tract infection) from bacteria in his rectum - for some people it happens frequently, others never have that problem. but those are not "STDs".

unless he is allergic to your sperm, sperm in the rectum shouldn't be a problem.

 

[tomind]

I wish you both the best and hope that you will be together forever.

That being said my partner and I were together for 13 years and at the time I thought we were being faithful to each other and then I found out that he had been cheating on me and then coming home and having sex with me (sometimes without a condom) and when I found out about what he had done - I asked him if I had anything to worry about and he looked at me like I had stabbed him in the back. I was tested and I am fine.

The bottom line is that I would rather play safe then regret it down the line. My new partner and I have been together for almost four years and we have never have anal sex without a condom.

 

[Seasoned]

It's all about trust. I wish you and your partner the best of everything.

 

[altlover85]

Why is it something you are asking about now, 2 years in?

I think you should be fine provided you are both honest and monogamous.

 

[KaraBulut]

Look around and ask yourself how many monogamous couples have been able to remain faithful.

Building a life together is trust. Buying a home together is trust. Starting a family is trust. Getting married is trust.

Barebacking isn't trust.

 

[Croynan]

Look around and ask yourself how many monogamous couples have been able to remain faithful.

Building a life together is trust. Buying a home together is trust. Starting a family is trust. Getting married is trust.

Barebacking isn't trust.

you jest of course? that is what BB is based apon.

eM

 

[Zeno Lorea]

Once you go bare, you never go back

 

[altlover85]

How is barebacking not trust?

 

[KaraBulut]

How is barebacking not trust?

It would be trust in the same way that russian roulette is trust.

A few years back, I had a patient who was HIV+ admit to piercing condoms with a safety pin when he topped guys. Just for fun. He was an otherwise normal looking guy.

Don't trust your health to anyone but yourself.

 

[Sha-Rok]

My advice: Know who you are dealing with. It seems simple but it is a hard thing to do. If you suspect any infidelity for even a second, start using condoms and get tested. If it's one thing I know is that people are unpredictable and I would hope this person cares about you enough to

1. Not cheat
2. If he does cheat to use a condom.

 

[altlover85]

I meant how is barebacking in a committed monogamous relationship not an issue of trust?

 

[bankside]

It would be trust in the same way that russian roulette is trust.

A few years back, I had a patient who was HIV+ admit to piercing condoms with a safety pin when he topped guys. Just for fun. He was an otherwise normal looking guy.

Don't trust your health to anyone but yourself.

You had a psychopathic person as a patient. Not everyone is psychopathic. And your story provides a perfect example of why you cannot always rely on a condom: it is only as safe as the psychopath wearing it.

To preserve our own lives, we always need to be sure we trust the people we sleep with. But we have been told that we don't need to be patient and we don't need to earn each other's trust over time.

We've been told that a condom can be a substitute for trust, and that a stranger with a condom is just as safe or even safer than a man you've known for a long time, a man whose friends you've met, a man who is up front about everything in his life, and a man who doesn't have any nasty surprises or secrets.

You can't figure those things out about a man in one evening at the bar, in one weekend fling, in even a few weeks. But we're still telling people all they need is a half millimetre of latex between themselves and a stranger they can't even trust.

 

[KaraBulut]

A few years back, I had a patient who was HIV+ admit to piercing condoms with a safety pin when he topped guys. Just for fun. He was an otherwise normal looking guy.

Don't trust your health to anyone but yourself.

This is one of the most fucked up stories I've ever heard. And I see the point you're trying to make.

You had a psychopathic person as a patient. Not everyone is psychopathic. And your story provides a perfect example of why you cannot always rely on a condom: it is only as safe as the psychopath wearing it.

It's not often that I'm speechless when dealing with patients. This was one of those rare moments where I couldn't say anything. He wasn't psychopathic- I would probably define him as a sociopath. But I would have never guessed that the attractive, well-groomed and otherwise normal person sitting in my office would do something that cold and sinister.

There are some other threads on this forum where I've commented that bottoms should bring their own condoms, ensure that the condom is actually in use and take responsibility for their own health. It's something that we have left out of safer sex recommendations and often when I make the recommendation, guys have a "a-ha" moment- it's such a basic, common sense thing to do. It's much like years ago when we asked why we weren't using condoms from the very beginning when we knew that gonorrhea, syphilis and hepatitis were associated with anal sex and body fluid exchange in men who have sex with other men. We've sold condoms has a birth control device for straight people when they they have an important role in risk reducation for STDs- not just HIV - for all sexually active people.

And as I mentioned earlier in the thread, I think we've all known couples who had issues with infidelity. It doesn't matter the orientation - straight, gay and everything in between- if you're having anal sex- there's a certain amount of risk that comes with that act. The question is how much risk you're willing to take. And my point is that there comes a point where you may willing to accept a certain amount of risk with a partner but don't confuse that with trust and don't try to make commitment equal to a particular sex act or use of protection.

 

[altlover85]

Kara, I'm not getting what you are saying about trust and risk and the difference between the two.

If I'm going to bareback with my committed monogamous partner it's showing that I trust him. Obviously there is a risk that he is cheating on me and I don't know it, but if I really don't trust him, then why would we be together in the first place?

I understand that barebacking shouldn't be something you do, just to show trust. I'm simply saying that trust is involved in it, but trust is also involved in any relationship of importance.

 

[KaraBulut]

Kara, I'm not getting what you are saying about trust and risk and the difference between the two.

If I'm going to bareback with my committed monogamous partner it's showing that I trust him. Obviously there is a risk that he is cheating on me and I don't know it, but if I really don't trust him, then why would we be together in the first place?

The best way to understand it is to change it to something else:

"I trust you, so I'm going to let you put your fist in my ass"
"I trust you, so I'm going to let you take a dump on me"

These statements just seem absurd, don't they? Yet, we have this romantic idea that if we allow someone to fuck us without a condom, somehow a particular sex act implies trust and commitment.

What exactly are you trusting? That there wasn't a mistake at the lab? That they're really working late when they say they're working late? That they're just using that Manhunt account to meet new friends for bowling night?

It just seems backwards- it would seem that if you cared about someone, you would want to protect each other's health.

On the other hand, if you make a commitment to someone, buying a home together, adopting a child together, sharing a bank account, supporting each other through difficult times and getting married if law permits- these seem like more reasonable demonstrations of a commitment. Yet, these true commitments are much more difficult to find... and to make.

 

[altlover85]

I don't know enough about the health risks of someone taking a dump on you or fisting you, so I can't respond to your post as confidently as I'd like. However, I don't understand how that analogy holds much water when generally (at least to my limited knowledge) the risks of that aren't going to give you STI's the way barebacking can.

As far as what I'm trusting, I'm trusting every one of the questions that you answered, even if they don't all apply to me. If I can't take them at their word about something like barebacking, then why would I want to buy a house with them?

If the person is being honest with me then there isn't any question about protecting health. If they're lying about it, then I'll find out in time.

And yes, it's a risk, but so are a lot of other things that we do. To me it is an intimate act that is very pleasurable. I don't like condoms (I can't stay hard with them) so I like barebacking. I wouldn't bareback just to show a sign of my trust if I didn't enjoy it.

 

[bankside]

The best way to understand it is to change it to something else:

"I trust you, so I'm going to let you put your fist in my ass"
"I trust you, so I'm going to let you take a dump on me"

These statements just seem absurd, don't they? Yet, we have this romantic idea that if we allow someone to fuck us without a condom, somehow a particular sex act implies trust and commitment.

What exactly are you trusting? That there wasn't a mistake at the lab? That they're really working late when they say they're working late? That they're just using that Manhunt account to meet new friends for bowling night?

It just seems backwards- it would seem that if you cared about someone, you would want to protect each other's health.

On the other hand, if you make a commitment to someone, buying a home together, adopting a child together, sharing a bank account, supporting each other through difficult times and getting married if law permits- these seem like more reasonable demonstrations of a commitment. Yet, these true commitments are much more difficult to find... and to make.

Some people are so naïve it almost seems as though they think that allowing someone to bareback with them will cause their partners to become trustworthy.

Trust is a precondition for sex, not a consequence of it. Or at least it should be a precondition.

Also, Some people are so confused it seems as though they can't separate "trust" with "taking a chance."

Trust is validated. Trust is reliable and well-grounded. It is something you seek to confirm, and something you discover inadvertently. Trust is proven, and it is also not an everyday thing. Thinking "Oh, it's probably alright" isn't trust.

But when trust is there, it is another form of safer sex. And it does allow you the freedom to have sex without a condom. Or the freedom to have sex with a condom if required by your or your partner's health status.

Some people don't have sexually transmitted infections. Some people are by nature monogamous. And some people have the balls to be open about any health issues that matter. Trust really can work for them.