Be Damned If it didn't happen again.

[blue4241]

I haven't posted much or with any frequency on here but I have to post this to get some other people's views and thoughts. First let me give ya'll some background. Over two years ago I met this guy on Facebook, we went to high school together and he was out and I was still mulling over my sexuality. We hit it off and chatted a lot about many different things. We finally met face to face and hung out and we had fun. He told me he didn't want anything to happen between us that night, I told him ok that is fine with me. Well we fooled around and it was awkward immediately afterwards and for months we didn't talk period. I finally sent a message on Facebook and we cleared the air and started being friends again.

He moved back locally a while ago and we have chatted on and off for the past couple of months. I'm 22 and he recently turned 21 and we have talked about going out to the bars all the time and that played a part to events later on. Last Saturday night I was talking to him and he had just gotten hired and wanted to celebrate cause he didn't have to start his new job for a few days. I said hey let's go out and hang out, dinner/drinks and all that. We met at the resturant and we had a great meal, started off a little nervous for the both of us since this was only the second time we have hung out. We finished dinner and we started talking about where we were going to have drinks and celebrate the new job. We both agreed to head to the only gay bar we knew of, we thought they had a drag show that night. This was my first gay bar experience and I liked it, a little seedy and no drag show but still fun. We get there and start drinking, we go drink for drink and I'm a bigger guy than him and I was getting pretty drunk so he was very drunk.

It started off the dance floor right before last call, we got a little physical. I went and got our last drinks and next thing you know we were making out. Made out some more by the car while I debated going back to his place since I live at home and it is unusual for me not to come home from being out. I decided what the hell, I haven't had anything since October. It got heavier while I was driving back to his place, cooled off when we went to Waffle House. Heated back up before he picked up some beer and then it got pretty hot on the stairs outside his apartment, good thing it was like 4:30ish in the morning and the neighbors weren't awake. Then we really went at it during the wee hours in the morning, and again before I had to take him back to his car.

Once again it was a silent ride and a hug goodbye. Later on in the day we text back and forth and he starts feeling bad and tells me that he doesn't want that to happen again cause he felt like a whore. I told him that I know we won't be more than friends but he can't deny that we have an obvious physical thing and he didn't deny that. Monday and Tuesday I was in a bad place casue of that, lack of sleep and the booze reeked havoc on my appetite. I'm not emotional over what happened just frustrated cause it has happened twice and almost exactly the same way both times. He drops a hint and I start the physcial stuff and the next day he feels like a whore. I understand where he is coming from but alas I'm perplexed. At least this time we are texting and chatting online unlike last time.
I just wanted to get this off my mind and chest and see what others think. What should I do? We have already talked about hanging out again and it seems like he wants to. But of course we never talked about what happened the first time except in a joking manner and we haven't talked about this time either. I'm just .

 

[Eagle653]

Making out with a friend, and getting one's rocks off, hardly makes one a "whore." He seems to have this tug-of-war going on with himself, as if he doesn't trust himself and doesn't like or appreciate his sexuality, and then his libido takes over. What's that all about?

He needs to chill out about the whole thing. Starting off an evening with a request that "nothing will happen" is presumptuous and the first thing I'd wonder is "why not?"

Then, despite his "determination" he starts wanting to fool around. You, being cool about the whole thing, happily goes along with it. Then, after climax, he's all full of guilt and shame.

It sounds to me like he's at war with his sexuality and you're in the middle of his own private battle field. Either vow to have a hands-off policy with him (and tell him that), or convince him to loosen up and go with the flow, or your friendship is doomed. It's not fair to you to be yanked around like that.

 

[luminum]

Volcom, I think Average means sexuality as in "one's sexual nature" as opposed to one's sexual orientation.

I agree with Average.

He seems to have issues over his sexual appetite and what he considers to be appropriate behavior with his friends.

In my opinion, until he sorts it out, I would be hands off. You're willing, and when he's drunk/having a good time, he's willing. But it's crappy to be caught in the middle of his personal struggle, especially when it seems like you'd be willing to make it more serious than just hooking up.

 

[StlKj]

It's very possible to be comfortable with yourself for being gay, but still be having internal conflict about how you express your sexuality, which is what I think Averageguy is getting at. At the end of the evening, he's judging himself based on his behavior, not his identity.

Of course, for someone who doesn't want to be a "whore," he seems to lack a lot of self-control. And what he also seems to be saying, without actually coming out and calling it, is that you too are a whore if you're willing to just screw around with him so easily. He might deny it if you press the issue, but your behavior matches that which he is judging himself for, so in essence it's a judgment of you as well.

What should you do? Perhaps take him at his word about not wanting to be a "whore," and the next time he drops a hint, let it drop without picking it up. You put the parameters and boundaries on the relationship in order to protect you from his confusion/moral dilemma/incosideration.

 

[KaraBulut]

The two of you live in the same town, you enjoy each other's company, you're both single and you make each other hot and bothered.

Sounds like the perfect fuckbuddy.

The problem here is that you're both kidding yourself and trying to be "just friends". This will be a lot less complicated if you both get real about what you're feeling and if you both admit that you both are hungry for companionship and a little hot-sweaty-buttsex every now and then.

Assuming that you both can avoid all the emotional stuff. And that might be a big assumption.

 

[Eagle653]

I completely disagree with you averageguy. The guy has been out for a while now. It sounds like he is comfortable with himself.

Some guys don’t enjoy friends with benefits/the random fuck. They prefer to be in a relationship and in love. I would be one of those people. He just was not comfortable with sharing himself with someone he was not in love with.

Everyone has a different opinion and preference on sex.

Your points are well taken. However, just because he's out doesn't mean he's comfortable with his sexuality. And, you're right--he might not enjoy random fucks nor appreciate the concept of friends with benefits. The tug of war--conflict--arises when he might feel one way and behaves another. That's what I think the OP is getting caught in.

Not knowing either party, it's nearly impossible to tell, but I think blue4241 will probably have to take control of the situation/friendship and define it since his friend doesn't seem able to.

 

[EvilForce]

I think when someone is young, and possibly not 100% grasped their homosexuality it is a bit tough.

I remember at that age I used to feel guilty after a night of drinking. Not that intellectually I thought it was bad. I just felt that way inside. I realized it was about me losing partial control. I think much of that could be said about sex. For many sex is an emotional response. They let their guard down emotionally. Doing so, and upon reflection after orgasm and the next day that vulnerability can feel a bit painful until you embrace the emotional side of sex. Yes, you may just feel vulnerable...but, that's a good thing overall.

At least that's my $ .02 guess.

 

[blue4241]

Thanks for the comments and the advice, I've taken heed to both. First, he is very open and has no problem with his sexuality as far as I can tell. I am the one that is only out to a handful of people and that is just in the past month or so. He isn't opposed to hookups and friends with benefits because we have both talked about our other sexual relationships and he has done both in the past. We have talked pretty much every day online or through texts since last Saturday when all this happened. Come to find out he is still struggling with a breakup and even though I am not the rebound man I think I'm the booty call after the rebound man. I truly believe that he has acted the way he has is because I don't fit his "type" and that maybe why he doesn't want anything to happen again. I'm a big guy, not obese or anything, just built big. He is tall and lanky and from pictures he has shown me, he likes him shorter and skinny and younger. I have put off having a serious talk about the limits of our relationship because I think we are both in the camp of "Let's not talk about it, and maybe it won't be anymore awkward."