Been dating this guy to find out...

[KLTboy]

I have been dating this guy for about 3 weeks now. He's very special to me and I feel like I can trust him with anything. In the past I have been burned by a few guys, resulting in me feeling like I can't trust anyone. Well last month me and my current boyfriend, met online, adam4adam to be exact and started talking. He made me feel so good about myself, made me feel like I could trust him.. so I went on a date with him and then it turned into us being a couple. Well, today, I made a fake profile on a4a and decided to message him asking him if he'd like to hook up, just to see what he would say. He responded back saying "Absolutely. I would love to hook up. When are you free?" People will probably respond to this and say that I had no business sneaking around like that.. but I wanted to see if I could really trust him and if his feelings for me were genuine, so I did that. Now, I don't know how to feel. I told him about it.. the complete truth... and he said that he uses a4a as porn. He used Noah's Arc as a reference to when Alex finds Trey's profile online.. saying that it's harmless and he likes to fantasize. What I don't understand is.. if that's true, why would he say he likes to hook up, instead of him saying he has a boyfriend or whatever?

I need some advice

 

[mikeyb]

Did the two of you actually talk about being a couple together? He might think differently. I had the samething that happened to me with my first boyfriend. I thought we were a couple and come to find out we were not. I moved on with a broken heart.

 

[KLTboy]

Yeah we made it known that we were a couple.. we are exclusive and everything. He wants to meet my mom and everything.. the whole coop-de-gra! I am sorry that you got led on... men just really suck!

 

[swerve]

men just really suck!

Only the really good ones!!!

My advice would be...

Protect your heart...

and...

Proceed with caution...

Good luck...

 

[spreadeagle]

You say ' he made me feel like I could trust him'...wrong! One person does not make another person feel something. Our feelings arise in response to thoughts we have and no-one else can control opur thoughts or make us think something. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings.

So you thought you could trust him. Now if that was so, how can you justify sneaking about anonymously on the Internet to try and prove the opposite? No, what is patently obvious is that you never trusted him in the first place and if you don't trust him why should you expect him to trust you?

Trust is reciprocal and you've been the author of your own misfortune.

The truth you've created for yourself by your thought patterns is that in your experience men suck because you want to believe that they suck and you've manufactured the evidence to prove your own point.

The question you could be asking yourself now is 'what would have happened if he had not responded to the bait and had called your bluff?' or more importantly 'what pay-off am I deriving from my inability to trust?'

 

[KLTboy]

Spread:

I think you are absolutely right. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him because of my past experiences with guys. Trust me, I am not saying that I am not trying to trust him.. because I am. We are going to talk tonight when he gets out of work.. I don't know what to say though. I guess I should just be honest with him though and let him know. But I wanted me not trusting him, to turn into the fact that I could and can trust him. The fact that he said that he wanted to hook up, crushed me. I guess I probably upset him too... I just don't know what to do.

 

[cbros1]

You say ' he made me feel like I could trust him'...wrong! One person does not make another person feel something. Our feelings arise in response to thoughts we have and no-one else can control opur thoughts or make us think something. We must take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings.

So you thought you could trust him. Now if that was so, how can you justify sneaking about anonymously on the Internet to try and prove the opposite? No, what is patently obvious is that you never trusted him in the first place and if you don't trust him why should you expect him to trust you?

Trust is reciprocal and you've been the author of your own misfortune.

The truth you've created for yourself by your thought patterns is that in your experience men suck because you want to believe that they suck and you've manufactured the evidence to prove your own point.

The question you could be asking yourself now is 'what would have happened if he had not responded to the bait and had called your bluff?' or more importantly 'what pay-off am I deriving from my inability to trust?'

Great response! Couldn't have said it any better. At least you came clean and communicated with him. It sounds like you have some more to go on that communication route though.
Unfortunately, there's too much of this online BS and drama going on.

 

[KLTboy]

Yeah I do have a lot to fix in my life and trust me, I am trying.. but how does one begin to trust another?

 

[Richardodessa]

You should have set up a hook up date and followed through with meeting him there. Then you would have found out for sure if he was planning on really cheating versus just fantasizing, oh and what a precious story he could have made up then.

 

[luminum]

I think it's also a question of if you're streong enough yourself to mend your heart and distrust before you even start dating again. Maybe you need to sort through the baggage of your previous relationships before you can begin trusting another again.

 

[dr_beat]

You should have set up a hook up date and followed through with meeting him there. Then you would have found out for sure if he was planning on really cheating versus just fantasizing, oh and what a precious story he could have made up then.

That's pretty harsh advice. They've only been dating for 3 weeks. There are no rings on any fingers and it doesn't sound as if any committments were really made.

KLTboy, I hate to say this, but you will not be able to be in a successful relationship until you learn to trust. My ex was like this and he pulled the same trick. He made up an email address and emailed me saying we'd met one time and talked about getting together. I didn't remember this at all and I was suspicious and curious so I responded hesitantly that perhaps we could chat. To my ex, just responding was enough "proof" that I was ready to cheat.

I understand what compelled you to do what you did, but it is in fact deceitful and there are very few guys who will put up with that.

For your own good, I urge you to see some sort of therapist to get over your trust issues. My ex and I are now pretty good friends because he dealt with his problem.

Good luck to you.

 

[KLTboy]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

To Dr. Beat

I am currently seeing a therapist and we are currently working on my trust issues. I shouldn't say currently.. because we've been seeing another for a year now.. my therapist and I. I do agree that what I did was deceitful.. and if he chooses to end our relationship or whatever it is, then I will understand. I just don't understand why he would say that he uses the chat site as a fantasy if he told 'the fake profile' that he wants to hook up. I will ask him tonight if he wants to continue being monogamous with one another, or if he wants to see other people.

After I did what I did and got his answer.. I did feel bad, but also hurt at the same time. I guess a reason why I don't trust him is because, last Friday a friend, my boyfriend and I went out shopping.. While we were shopping on Newbury St. we saw this guy he hooked up with and he waved to him and such. My boyfriend really walks around like he's all that... like he's god's gift to earth. He's cute, I won't say he's not.. but he's not in the best shape or anything. I don't know, when I am next to him I feel disgusted.. because he's not the best looking thing, but yet he gets all these guys all over him.. while I have to scounge out and accept whatever is offered to me. Well I guess I shouldn't say that, I think I am good looking, many say so.. but yeah.

That all probably makes no sense..... I should work on my trust issues.. but so many people lie and stuff, it becomes really hard to do so!

 

[ahotjock71]

Most guys are just plain whores, and really don't care if they have a bf or not if a hottie wants to hook up. Many will argue against this, but after being out 20 years I have seen the proof, time & again.

Then when they get caught they lie & try to make it YOUR fault for having trust issues.

If he is "chatting" with other guys online about hooking up, while he may "claim" it's just fantasy, there will come a time when he will finally walk down that path & meet someone. And when he gets away with it once, it will only give him the confidence to do it again & again.

He is in fact being dishonest when he doesn't tell a person, fake or otherwise, that he is ONLY looking for chat, and has a bf.

If he is chatting about hooking up, he is not being exclusive. Period.

The level of dishonesty in the gay community confuses me more and more. Dishonesty to oneself and to a potential partner. Why can't people just do the right thing???? (I'm talking about him, not you.)

 

[bluedragon4]

This whole thing is really odd for just 3 weeks in. Why would you even be talking of monogamy this soon? You have way to many issues to date anyone right now. This is actually doomed and you would be best to let it go. If I were your "boyfriend" I would see all the red flags and jump ship. This really has nothing to do with this guy and all about where you are right now in your life. To me it sounds like he's having all the fun(which is how it should be) and you are sitting around wondering what's wrong with this relationship(and it's only 3 weeks in) Sorry if I sound like an ass with this response but I don't get it? You are to young to be this miserable.

 

[ahotjock71]

KLTboy, I hate to say this, but you will not be able to be in a successful relationship until you learn to trust. My ex was like this and he pulled the same trick. He made up an email address and emailed me saying we'd met one time and talked about getting together. I didn't remember this at all and I was suspicious and curious so I responded hesitantly that perhaps we could chat. To my ex, just responding was enough "proof" that I was ready to cheat.

Yes, but what did you do to calm his fears that you might cheat or not?

You know, trust is EARNED, not just given! Oy vey!

 

[KLTboy]

To: Ahotjock

Thank you for making it not seem like it's entirely my fault. Yeah I did dig up the dirt.. but he was in the wrong but not saying he had a boyfriend. I am going to ask him tonight if he wants to be exclusive with me.. if not, I am walking away from it. I am definitely not going to be anyone's second choice. A friend of mine was saying that if I do want to continue my relationship, I have to learn how to live up to his level. My boyfriend is 25 and I am 18. You would think that he would be more mature, more ready and confident to be in a relationship, but I guess not. My friend also said that I need to learn how to trust him and seal the deal with that. However, how do you trust someone after learning that kind of information?

Bluedragon:

I don't think I have any problems at all. Just because the relationship is young, doesn't mean that someone can't talk about being monogamous. We talked about it MANY MANY times.. we've been dating for nearly a month, but we've been talking for 2. The only issue I probably have is not being able to trust anyone. How could anyone trust someone that's been molested, put in a foster home for a parent's drug addiction, being used time after time, being gang raped at a party? Yeah that's no one's business.. but I am working on my issues.. so I don't think this is all my fault!

 

[ahotjock71]

This whole thing is really odd for just 3 weeks in. Why would you even be talking of monogamy this soon? You have way to many issues to date anyone right now. This is actually doomed and you would be best to let it go. If I were your "boyfriend" I would see all the red flags and jump ship. This really has nothing to do with this guy and all about where you are right now in your life. To me it sounds like he's having all the fun(which is how it should be) and you are sitting around wondering what's wrong with this relationship(and it's only 3 weeks in) Sorry if I sound like an ass with this response but I don't get it? You are to young to be this miserable.

That attitude is what's wrong with gay men and relationships today. "Oh, yeah, were boyfriends, but I can do whatever the hell I want." WHAT??????

He is looking for a stable monogamous relationship, and hopes to find someone who shares the same values he does, and that he can trust. If they decided to be boyfriends, then the other dude should have SOME level of respect for the relationship, and the other person in it. You are saying with this concept of "even though I have a bf I should be having all the fun I can" that one should not take a relationship with another person seriously, and I have great issue with that.

 

[drhladnjak]

I agree that just 3 weeks of dating before getting serious sounds like rushing in. You complain about your boyfriend not acting very mature, but the whole way this has played out gives me the impression that you're not particularly experienced or mature either. Take your time--you're only 18 and have plenty of time to get settled down.

 

[bluedragon4]

That attitude is what's wrong with gay men and relationships today. "Oh, yeah, were boyfriends, but I can do whatever the hell I want." WHAT??????

He is looking for a stable monogamous relationship, and hopes to find someone who shares the same values he does, and that he can trust. If they decided to be boyfriends, then the other dude should have SOME level of respect for the relationship, and the other person in it. You are saying with this concept of "even though I have a bf I should be having all the fun I can" that one should not take a relationship with another person seriously, and I have great issue with that.

Did anyone ever hear of multiple dating?! Why do you have to be in your early 20's and only date one man and after 3 weeks say you are a monogamous relationship and than you make up a fake profile to trick him and than become depressed over trust issues? WTF? And that early you can do whatever the hell you want! Now I read above it's not 3 weeks but maybe 1 month or 2 that they were talking. This guy sounds way confused and has trust issues and is sneaky. Who wants to date that? That's why I wrote take some time and pull yourself together. Nobody wants a needy BF. This guy didn't know it was you and was gonna hook-up. Obviously you are not okay with that so he's not the one for you. Move on than. And I'm sorry to hear everything you have been through but once again that confirms to me that you should take time to heal and figure out how you can leave the past behind so that you can trust again. No matter who you date it won't work untill you heal yourself. So like ahotjoke71 wrote to me-"That's the attitude that's wrong with gay men today". If that's the wrong attitude than I don't want the right one!

 

[Something Else]

thought i'd chime in with these thoughts...

I think the issue of trust and becoming exclusive being raised byKLTboy is at the heart of the matter.

I'm assuming, that the two of them agreed that they'd see each other and not make themselves available to others.

If at that point

the guy felt uncertain about monogamy, then simply saying to KLTboy, "hey man, i like to at some point but don't wanna move too fast" would have let both of them know where they stand on the issue.

open. blunt. honest.

I believe the disappointment that KLT is eluding to is in the INCONSISTENCY of his BF's behavior to his words.

And i'm one that firmly believes a man is as good as his words. If his words are empty, well...you fill in the rest.

Ultimately, KLTboy's intuition made him feel something was awry--and he followed through on it to see for himself by creating a situation online. He discovered that there were INCONSITENCIES to what the guy's words were to him and his thoughts.

You can question the methodology in which KLTboy discovered this information, but that doesn't absolve the legitimate feelings of disappointment that invariably follow upon discovering the INCONSISTENCY of what you were TOLD and the BEHAVIOR.

Personally from experience, I think it's WAY TOO fast to look for monogamous relationships in the first few weeks. That should be reserved to learning about the person, non-sexually. Learning things about him without investing your heart immediately would have helped in this regards.

Be patient about learning about yourself and learning about the guys you meet, if you're considering relationships. If things work out that way, then they will move in that direction for you.

good luck man