Been using "cam to cam" sex websites a bit too much...

[renter800]

Hi everyone- just wanted to "vent" about some things I've been thinking about recently and maybe get some perspective.

I'm 28 years old and was sexually abused when I was younger. I have never had a healthy outlook on sex. I am still a virgin and the most I have ever done was kiss a few girls here and there. I do date, but things never really progress after the first or second date. Just the thought of taking things to "another level" gets me light headed with the sense I want to faint.

Over the last year I started therapy. It was one of the better decisions I have made in my life. Although I am still not comfortable with talking about sex with my therapist, I have definitely made some progress.

So there is this one thing I want to talk to someone about, and this forum is the only place I can think to talk about since there is a sense of anonymity. Recently I came across some of those "cam to cam" sex websites. I know it sounds weird, but in a lot of ways it has helped me break out of my shell with sex. In fact, I find myself using the website so much where I think it is becoming unhealthy. A part of me feels like it is okay to do it because it is letting me experiment with my sexuality...something I have never really done in my 28 years. I have to say that the first time I tried it, I was so ashamed and nervous to show any part of my body. Now I go at it without even thinking about it. I think in some ways it has helped me be more comfortable with sex so that when I am in a relationship, I won't be so scared of the sex aspect.

So I guess I wanted to get some perspective on this issue. Does anyone think my approach with these website may be unhealthy...or is what I am doing seem reasonable considering my past?

Thanks guys!

 

[Dedrick]

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. I think this is definitely something you should bring up with your therapist.

My opinion is that it's fine so long as you're doing it to begin feeling comfortable about your sexuality. If you feel it is helping you break out of your shell it could be a good thing, but I think we both realize that it could become unhealthy rather quickly.

Are you avoiding "normal" social interactions to engage in the activity? Is it interfering with your ability to lead a "normal" life?

If you answer yes to either of those, then I think it could be the beginning of a problem.

A concern that I have, and something I think you should watch for, is whether or not you stop dating all together and begin using cam to cam as a substitute for intimacy with others. Alternatively, you could enter a long term relationship, and refuse to have sex but continue to cam with others because it makes you feel more comfortable.

If you don't have any of those problems, and you make a vigilant effort to avoid them, then I don't see the harm of finding ways to become more comfortable with yourself sexually.

Ideally, though I think you'd be best off discussing the problems you have with your therapist; then finding someone to have a relationship with that you can trust. Finding someone who respects your boundaries, that doesn't push you, and would allow you to slowly begin to develop comfort with physical intimacy.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[renter800]

Wow, thanks so much Dedrick. Your insight is very much appreciated. I do agree that there comes a point when it might be unhealthy, and I am going to be more aware this factor. Your feedback definitely struck some chords...so thanks again.

 

[Dedrick]

I'm glad that I could help.

One thing I think you should look out for, assuming you haven't already encountered it, is people attempting to get you to do things you don't feel comfortable doing.

It's important to know what you feel comfortable with, create acceptable boundaries for yourself, and not allow others to pressure you into doing things that you otherwise wouldn't want to do. It could trigger negative feelings.

My suggestion if you encounter such a situation is to refuse. If they are persistent despite your refusal, then you should block them or leave. You shouldn't feel ashamed or regret on slamming the proverbial door in someones face if they can't respect you once you've told them no. You know your limits - respect them, and demand others to do the same.

Something that might help you regarding your therapist... You mentioned that you wanted to talk about it, but have had trouble bringing it up. Have you considered writing it down and giving it to your therapist either after you print it out or via e-mail?

I have similar troubles. I struggle to talk about certain things openly. I become too stressed out, my words aren't quite right. I attempt to explain but get distracted and derailed. Even after its over I frequently go back over the discussion in my head remembering things that I should have brought up but didn't because I had forgotten.

I'm considering doing this when I finally begin therapy again, and I think it will help me. So maybe it'll help you too.

Good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

The most seemingly innocent activities can be problems if they prevent normal day to day activities, as has already been pointed out. SCA, Sexual Complusives Anonymous is a 12-step recovery program that is gay friendly. Try their website for more information.

If you are able to alter your behavior on your own your doubts about what you are doing have served their purpose. You can't go by the activity alone. What's ok for one person may be detrimental to someone else. Good luck to you.

 

[BlueEyedDevil]

I too was very unconfident (sp?) and used technology to help me get comfortable with my looks, viz camming. Camming is a wonderful tool in a way to reveal aspects of yourself to someone who indeed is probably judging you. I say you are already ahead of the game by looking at camming objectively.
Making peace with yourself is not easy, sexually or otherwise. Camming can help, in my opinion.

 

[Darted]

Hi everyone- just wanted to "vent" about some things I've been thinking about recently and maybe get some perspective.

I'm 28 years old and was sexually abused when I was younger. I have never had a healthy outlook on sex. I am still a virgin and the most I have ever done was kiss a few girls here and there. I do date, but things never really progress after the first or second date. Just the thought of taking things to "another level" gets me light headed with the sense I want to faint.

Over the last year I started therapy. It was one of the better decisions I have made in my life. Although I am still not comfortable with talking about sex with my therapist, I have definitely made some progress.

So there is this one thing I want to talk to someone about, and this forum is the only place I can think to talk about since there is a sense of anonymity. Recently I came across some of those "cam to cam" sex websites. I know it sounds weird, but in a lot of ways it has helped me break out of my shell with sex. In fact, I find myself using the website so much where I think it is becoming unhealthy. A part of me feels like it is okay to do it because it is letting me experiment with my sexuality...something I have never really done in my 28 years. I have to say that the first time I tried it, I was so ashamed and nervous to show any part of my body. Now I go at it without even thinking about it. I think in some ways it has helped me be more comfortable with sex so that when I am in a relationship, I won't be so scared of the sex aspect.

So I guess I wanted to get some perspective on this issue. Does anyone think my approach with these website may be unhealthy...or is what I am doing seem reasonable considering my past?

Thanks guys!

The websites were a good way to start, but don't continue in that path because you'll end up finding yourself on a bunch of porn sites (people DO record you)! Try a few more dates in more 'daring' places like clubs and bars because people tend to have more fun there. I'm not saying you need to avoid the restaurant/cinema dates but something more exciting isn't a bad idea.