Alphus
On the Prowl
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To get the background of this entry, I point you to here.
Life teaches plenty about Love and Hearts. History shows us that with Patience, Relationships never thought possible can happen with a dash of Hope. All you need is Time.
It's been a few months since that last time I saw Bryan... and I still feel that pain in my chest. The beating of a heart, a heart that is no longer mine, pumps harder when I think of the first time we laid eyes on each other that night. It was perfect.
I'm amazed at how a single night can change everything, undo all your plans, and just... rip open the scars you thought healed. Before, I questioned whether or not I still loved him, whether or not it was just me trying to cling to some moments of the past. I thought I was over him, and that it would be just a burden that'd I bear, and before that night I figured if I did see him again, he would still be different and that I was right in my assumption that he, the guy I fell in love with, was gone, buried by the pressure to blend in instead of shine bright like I knew he should.
That night... threw all of that back at me. The plans I laid so carefully down were gone in an instant. The barriers I placed around any memory of him shattered like glass, cutting into deeper than anything I had felt before. I remembered just how much he really meant to me, and this was all in a second of looking into his eyes. I was flooded with memories and emotions I placed so far back into my mind I thought I'd never think of them again, and in some cases, thought I had forgotten. What felt like hours of flashing through memories happened in seconds.
This was the second time it happened to me. Both times, when I finally stopped thinking about him as deeply as I did, stopped hoping that there might be something between us again, stopped feeling about him the way I did, things seemed to happen so that we were in the same place and same time again, no matter how unlikely the circumstances were.
The past him finally met the present him. I knew he had finally accepted himself and who he was; his confidence wreaked havoc on my mind. He was the guy I loved and knew all over again, and this time it was permanent. He didn't care about the people around him, and I was happy for him. He stood there holding my heart tightly in his hand, keeping it safe.
Despite this, I felt that it was still not going to work out, not this time around... it just wasn't our moment yet. When will it be? Will it ever come? Will there finally be a time when that chapter of my life actually closes? I don't know... I honestly don't know if it ever will.
As much as I love Christian, that night tore me apart once more. I was, and am, broken again. I now sit in a room with my body in pieces on a table stuck with the task of piecing everything back together again. Deep inside, I don't think Christian and I will last long. It is nothing new, it always came up once in a while in our conversations. "If we're together..." or "If we break up..." is usual for us when we talk about talk about our future. If anything, Christian was there to guide me, and teach me things. We'd still be great friends though, I know that. In an odd sense I guess I might say that it was just a way of making me learn something that would be needed in the future.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, as I feel sorry enough for the world. Yes, I am sad again, and yes I do still cry about it, even now as I write this.
I know some others might say "Get over it, it's done". I have tried twice, and failed both. If it were not for him, I may not even be here to tell you this story. I owe him my life and if he will not accept that, then I will give him my heart and best wishes to get whatever he wants out of the world. For me, it will suffice that he continues to be my muse for everything I do; I will move on in my own way.
In the end, I have thought about it and accepted that I might be alone towards the end of my days without ever being truly happy. That is something I might not be completely prepared for, but something I believe I can put up with if that is the case. At least by that time, everything else I've wanted to do would be done and when I part this place I will go in peace, having no regrets or guilt to keep me here.
If the person who reads this is in this position right now, I can only tell you to hold on. I may still get what I hope for, and you may too.
And if by some odd circumstance you are the one I write for, then I say this to you: I love you more than you will ever know, and though I will not say all that I wish I could to you here, if you let me come to you, I will tell you everything and more.
Life teaches plenty about Love and Hearts. History shows us that with Patience, Relationships never thought possible can happen with a dash of Hope. All you need is Time.
It's been a few months since that last time I saw Bryan... and I still feel that pain in my chest. The beating of a heart, a heart that is no longer mine, pumps harder when I think of the first time we laid eyes on each other that night. It was perfect.
I'm amazed at how a single night can change everything, undo all your plans, and just... rip open the scars you thought healed. Before, I questioned whether or not I still loved him, whether or not it was just me trying to cling to some moments of the past. I thought I was over him, and that it would be just a burden that'd I bear, and before that night I figured if I did see him again, he would still be different and that I was right in my assumption that he, the guy I fell in love with, was gone, buried by the pressure to blend in instead of shine bright like I knew he should.
That night... threw all of that back at me. The plans I laid so carefully down were gone in an instant. The barriers I placed around any memory of him shattered like glass, cutting into deeper than anything I had felt before. I remembered just how much he really meant to me, and this was all in a second of looking into his eyes. I was flooded with memories and emotions I placed so far back into my mind I thought I'd never think of them again, and in some cases, thought I had forgotten. What felt like hours of flashing through memories happened in seconds.
This was the second time it happened to me. Both times, when I finally stopped thinking about him as deeply as I did, stopped hoping that there might be something between us again, stopped feeling about him the way I did, things seemed to happen so that we were in the same place and same time again, no matter how unlikely the circumstances were.
The past him finally met the present him. I knew he had finally accepted himself and who he was; his confidence wreaked havoc on my mind. He was the guy I loved and knew all over again, and this time it was permanent. He didn't care about the people around him, and I was happy for him. He stood there holding my heart tightly in his hand, keeping it safe.
Despite this, I felt that it was still not going to work out, not this time around... it just wasn't our moment yet. When will it be? Will it ever come? Will there finally be a time when that chapter of my life actually closes? I don't know... I honestly don't know if it ever will.
As much as I love Christian, that night tore me apart once more. I was, and am, broken again. I now sit in a room with my body in pieces on a table stuck with the task of piecing everything back together again. Deep inside, I don't think Christian and I will last long. It is nothing new, it always came up once in a while in our conversations. "If we're together..." or "If we break up..." is usual for us when we talk about talk about our future. If anything, Christian was there to guide me, and teach me things. We'd still be great friends though, I know that. In an odd sense I guess I might say that it was just a way of making me learn something that would be needed in the future.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, as I feel sorry enough for the world. Yes, I am sad again, and yes I do still cry about it, even now as I write this.
I know some others might say "Get over it, it's done". I have tried twice, and failed both. If it were not for him, I may not even be here to tell you this story. I owe him my life and if he will not accept that, then I will give him my heart and best wishes to get whatever he wants out of the world. For me, it will suffice that he continues to be my muse for everything I do; I will move on in my own way.
In the end, I have thought about it and accepted that I might be alone towards the end of my days without ever being truly happy. That is something I might not be completely prepared for, but something I believe I can put up with if that is the case. At least by that time, everything else I've wanted to do would be done and when I part this place I will go in peace, having no regrets or guilt to keep me here.
If the person who reads this is in this position right now, I can only tell you to hold on. I may still get what I hope for, and you may too.
And if by some odd circumstance you are the one I write for, then I say this to you: I love you more than you will ever know, and though I will not say all that I wish I could to you here, if you let me come to you, I will tell you everything and more.