Begrudging friends with benefits (advice sought)

[ManOnTop]

So, I've been seeing this guy for a while, and neither of us has been seeing other people, just because we've been busy and stuff, not because we're committed or anything. So, he tells me that he doesn't really think we're going anywhere, but would still like to have a physical side to our relationship in addition to friendship. This bums me out because I really like him and would have liked to gone further, from something sort of casual and sleepy to something that could be a lot more fulfilling.

What's strange is that he's sort of wants it to stay like it is now, which is hanging out a bunch, occasional sleepovers, a ridiculous amount of cuddling, and like an actual real date once a week or so. He just wants to add the caveat that either of us can pull the ripcord on what we're doing whenever greener pastures present themselves. We're each other's placeholder.

Do I just take what I can get and appreciate his company while we're together or do I get myself off the hook with someone who I know doesn't want to go any further commitment-wise? Part of me thinks that he like's being with me or else he wouldn't want to keep doing what we're doing and that he'll just come around, which is pretty dumb of me. Or do I just end it 'cause it's going nowhere? Maybe cutting him off will make him realize how he feels about me and to not take me for granted.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Just writing this out was a big help in organizing my thoughts. Oh, and for reference, we're both in our early twenties and recently came out and just started dating guys in earnest, so we're flying blind, myself in particular.

 

[pausanias_usa]

You have two choices, obviously: keep things as they are, or break it off and start anew (baby blue).

In my early 20s I would have been conflicted, like you, but at this stage I would just keep it going as it is -- he may change his mind and become committed the longer it stays as it is.

But, to be honest, I doubt it. Most 20-somethings want to play the field, and it's obvious he does. When you are both older you may both feel differently.

If you like him, don't rock the boat, and enjoy with the thought at the back of your head it could end any time, and that you don't want to push it when it does. Any emotional wrangling from your end could stop things in their track fairly quickly, as it puts pressure on him he obviously doesn't want.

 

[kallipolis]

So, I've been seeing this guy for a while, and neither of us has been seeing other people, just because we've been busy and stuff, not because we're committed or anything. So, he tells me that he doesn't really think we're going anywhere, but would still like to have a physical side to our relationship in addition to friendship. This bums me out because I really like him and would have liked to gone further, from something sort of casual and sleepy to something that could be a lot more fulfilling.

What's strange is that he's sort of wants it to stay like it is now, which is hanging out a bunch, occasional sleepovers, a ridiculous amount of cuddling, and like an actual real date once a week or so. He just wants to add the caveat that either of us can pull the ripcord on what we're doing whenever greener pastures present themselves. We're each other's placeholder.

Do I just take what I can get and appreciate his company while we're together or do I get myself off the hook with someone who I know doesn't want to go any further commitment-wise? Part of me thinks that he like's being with me or else he wouldn't want to keep doing what we're doing and that he'll just come around, which is pretty dumb of me. Or do I just end it 'cause it's going nowhere? Maybe cutting him off will make him realize how he feels about me and to not take me for granted.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Just writing this out was a big help in organizing my thoughts. Oh, and for reference, we're both in our early twenties and recently came out and just started dating guys in earnest, so we're flying blind, myself in particular.

Your relationship with your friend would appear to be progressing very well.

Romantic relationships are always in a state of fluid development.

Live your relationship with your friend one day at a time.

There is no final destination for your partnership other than investing in your love of your friend that he in his stead may return that love for you.

Insecurities based upon our perception that our partner should behave in accordance with our understandings often contributes to the destruction of a loving relationship.

To know that your partner truly loves you he must be left free, to love you according to his understandings.

Avoid manipulating your partner by grandstanding gestures that leave him with a take it, or leave it scenario that is driven by your insecurities.

Be much less obsessive, and enjoy your friend's company for all his worth to you, that he may come to understand how much he means to you.

The worth of a married relationship is never evidenced in a certificate of marriage, rather in the love between the two partners that bonds them into a loving relationship.

 

[HunterM]

Take what you can get and appreciate his company. I have a couple of buddies like that. If you want to make it a romantic relationship because you really like him, YOU have to put some effort in leading him in that direction. You have to make this effort a priority in your life over your busy schedule...or he'll find someone else.

 

[Seasoned]

Keep it as it is but date other people as well. You don't want to be in this limbo 5 years from now. He wants to be able to leave as soon as something better comes along so it sounds like he's got you pegged as "something's better than nothing." You have got tofeel the same way about him or you run the risk of being terribly hurt.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah I have to agree, He wants to keep his options open, which pretty much means he's not thinking long term with you.

It is what it is, if you can enjoy it without drama, go for it.

 

[yehme2]

Insecurities based upon our perception that our partner should behave in accordance with our understandings often contributes to the destruction of a loving relationship.

 

[KaraBulut]

Do I just take what I can get and appreciate his company while we're together or do I get myself off the hook with someone who I know doesn't want to go any further commitment-wise? Part of me thinks that he like's being with me or else he wouldn't want to keep doing what we're doing and that he'll just come around, which is pretty dumb of me. Or do I just end it 'cause it's going nowhere? Maybe cutting him off will make him realize how he feels about me and to not take me for granted.

The problem here is that you don't know what you want. And there's a little undertone that you may not feel like you deserve better.

If you're happy with the sex and relationships are low on your list of priorities, then there's nothing wrong with keeping this guy as a fuckbuddy until something better comes along.

However, if you want more and if you feel you deserve more, then don't waste time with guys who aren't willing to make you the priority in your life.