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Being Alone?

H

HollisterDude08

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I got into a "relationship" a couple of months ago. First one with a guy. I was so happy... everything was going perfectly. For once... I was comfortable with myself and everyone saw that I was happier than I had been in a long time. We were "together" for about 3 months... and I was honestly very very happy being with him. It ended... for several reasons. Not going into that. But anways, it's been over for about 3 weeks and I just miss it. Like I miss being with someone and I keep trying to find someone new but I don't think I need to be in a relationship yet because I don't know what the hell I am doing. I just got so used to being with someone, having someone to be with and to do the relationship stuff with that I keep trying to find someone because I want that again so bad. What do I do... fuck.
 
First off, try to step outside yourself and notice the problem. You don't miss HIM. You miss "being with someone". It's like you've got your arm around an invisible man's shoulder with a sign - "insert new boyfriend here". :) But that ain't how it works.

Try to turn that off. Don't look for a "boyfriend". Look for people. Any kind. Male, female, gay, straight. Just people to interact with. Eventually, you'll find one you click with, and then you can start building a relationship again. And hopefully, you'll build the relationship around the guy, rather than trying to ram a guy into the box you already have marked "relationship". It'll make for a much better fit. :)

Lex
 
Hollister...first, I'm very sorry for your loss. One thing to remember, you're young. While that doesn't help the pain of your loss, you've got to remember, this is a time in your life when you should enjoy yourself some. Date some people before you start trying to latch onto someone. Your first breakup is tough, very tough! But, at your age, you have plenty of time to worry about relationships... just enjoy this time in your life, it is a great and exciting time.
 
sc_jock2004 said:
Hollister...first, I'm very sorry for your loss. One thing to remember, you're young. While that doesn't help the pain of your loss, you've got to remember, this is a time in your life when you should enjoy yourself some. Date some people before you start trying to latch onto someone. Your first breakup is tough, very tough! But, at your age, you have plenty of time to worry about relationships... just enjoy this time in your life, it is a great and exciting time.
Click to expand...

True... but I just have a hard time. I fall for guys way too fast and I can't control that and it always fucks it up.
 
Hey Hollister,

You know it doesnt really matter how old you are... when someone leaves your life that you care deeply about - no matter the reason - theres always a sense of loss for a while. You wouldnt be human if you didnt feel a little a alone for a while...

But you know something? I've watched you post here for a while now. And far from being someone who doesnt know what hes doing or what he wants, you've grown into a guy who's experiencing life and all its ups and downs with in a way that should make you feel really proud.

Those values and ideals that make you who you are are still there, you still beleive in honesty and trust, you still beleive that happiness is yours to be had... those are special things mate... those are the things that make you feel the way you do right now.

You've been in a relationship - you enjoyed it, you learned from it , both good and bad. You know far more now than you did before... and those are lessons that you'll use over and over... and each time you have a realtionship there'll be more... but you'll get more and more comfortable with both them and yourself at the same time.

Dont force this mate... your time will come. Look back at the time you had... remember the things you loved... the expereinces you had and the new ground you broke eveyday. And use that to power you until the next time you meet the right guy... a quality guy.

Because mate, you deserve to be with someone whos good for you...not just anyone. Rushing and grabbing at things only hurts you in the long run. Take your time... it will make the right guy the sweetest fruit of all... the one you'll want to be with and the one you want to stay with.

You deserve quality over quantity any day mate.
 
You and I seem to be in the same boat. I always seem to fall very quickly for a guy when he may or may not even have mutual feelings. I'm in my first relationship myself and I can see things starting to slip already and I'm so scared that things may not work out afterall. However, I try to remind myself that I'm only 22. I still have plenty of time and, even though I have very strong feelings for Martin, he may not be the one meant for me.

We learn from everything that we go through. Even though it can be a painful process, we should always take something from everything. Good luck to you.
 
my 5 year just ended and I miss him living here cause we were such good friends but I am happy to be meeting new guys. Think of it as starting a new chapter. It's always a bit lonely till u get use to your new life. you WILL get through this and you WILL meet a new guy. Probably even somebody better for you. Live and learn and don't let it beat u up.(*8*)
 
i was discussing this relationships with my co-workers today, maybe even subconsciously quoting a wise post i've seen on the boards here. Many people look for a relationship to fill an empty spot in their life; we tend to think of that emptiness as "loneliness" but I don't think it's that simple.

the man i fell for - i thought - was very much like me in very obtuse, subtle, hidden ways and yet so blatantly unlike me in very obvious ways that I thought we'd make perfect complements. That may have even been true, but he simply wasn't interested and became so angry with me it destroyed a well-established decade-long friendship. It hurt for a very long time, in part because I felt like I was getting a little old to be playing the "dating game" and looking for a "boyfriend." Maybe that's true, too...but what needn't be true was this idea i had of finding a "complement" in someone else. I decided to look for what i expected a boyfriend to provide, and to look for it within myself. Maybe I'm not the best person for giving advice on relationships, because I'm still single. But I DO think I know a thing or two about being single, and I believe that joy and grief can be conscious choices we make every single second of every day - whether or not we are "alone."
 
i recently got out of a long term relationship and have had some struggles letting go. it's a hard situation but it does get better, just surround yourself with people who you enjoy and who care about you.
 
Remember that for most of your life you weren't in a relationship and somehow you managed for 20 years without one. Why jettison the sum total of your past experience of happiness for 3 months of ephemeral pleasure? You're not ready for an adult relationship until you no longer need one.
 
spreadeagle said:
Remember that for most of your life you weren't in a relationship and somehow you managed for 20 years without one. Why jettison the sum total of your past experience of happiness for 3 months of ephemeral pleasure? You're not ready for an adult relationship until you no longer need one.
Click to expand...
I don't understand this statement? What do you mean?
 
Break ups are ALWAYS difficult. And they NEVER feel right or good. That comes with the territory and you want to accept that as a part of the general dating package.

Yet, you are now recharging and opening up a new chapter in your life. The opportunities abound. So, you want to go and take them. Nope, it is never easy and it mostly takes much more time and energy than we ever wanted to spend on it. But that's how it is, and the sooner you put the past behind you the better your future will be.

Keep in mind that your life does not have to be worse. It also can take a turn for better. It is you, who has the major say in this affair.

SC
 
Bluedragon,

I mean that relationships based on neediness rarely last. If you are waiting for someone to rescue you, or to supply what is missing, then it means you have a fundamental belief that you are inadequate on your own. Low self-esteem does not make for healthy relationships. When you know that your happiness is not dependent on the whim of another person then you're in an emotionally and psychologically stronger position.

The skills acquired on the way to attaining self esteem are those required to be in a vibrant, responsive, flexible, living-breathing relationship. Other relationships are just acting-out.
 
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