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Being up front in college?

H

hollisterboi07

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Hello!

I'm getting ready to finally start college next week and I'm faced with a dilemma.

I'm from a small town and am now living and attending college in a larger place. I'm hoping that I can now possibly have a relationship because I've never been in one before. However, I know that I can never meet any guys if I'm closeted--it just won't happen. I'm out to three of my friends, who were all very accepting, but I'm still not comfortable enough with my sexuality to just broadcast it everywhere. I want to be discreet, but I also know that I'm going to have to let someone know that I'm gay in order to meet other gay guys. I just really don't want too many people to know--I'm just uneasy and afraid people will define me by it. Plus, I have other friends here that I don't want to know just yet.

So basically, that was a lot of jumbled talk to ask...how should I react when someone asks me about my sexuality? I'm sure someone will ask me about it, and while I don't want to lie and potentially miss out on meeting a gay friend of theirs or something, I don't want to come out to anyone who I don't know well enough to trust to be discreet. How should I handle situations like this, and others that may come up as I make new friends?
 
I want you to think about how many times somebody has asked you about your sexuality? Probably very very few. And how often have you walked up and asked somebody else about their sexuality? Again, probably not very often. In short, this isn't really going to be much of a concern.

A good bet would be to attend a LGBSU meeting. They usually hold a "all about us" meeting early in the semester. You can meet some of the other gay students there. You can even get up, tell your story, and let them know you're not quite comfortable leaping out of the closet just yet. They'll be understanding - most of them were there at one point - and should help you along so you can eventually get to that point.

Lex
 
just be open and honest about yourself...

you'll feel a lot better in the end for it

and nobody will define who you are but you... if you don't want to be know as that gay guy then don't define yourself as that gay guy... have other things to bring to the table besides your sexuality
 
my college campus has a gay mixer event every semester, so I'd suggest going to the GLBT center and finding out if they're going to have one
 
I don't think you necessarily have to be "upfront". When I started college, I got involved with the LGBT group. They had sponsored a series of "coming out" sessions that met once a week throughout the semester. That way, I got to meet others in the same boat as I was in. From that, my network of friends and activities just expanded in an organic way. I even met my first boyfriend at the group. Going to that first meeting was more scary than I can tell you, but it was so worth it.
 
Hollisterboi, there really isn't a clever way to get out of the question. People aren't stupid. If you use some lame excuse like, "I don't know, I haven't had sex yet" or "I'm too busy at school to bother", it'll be pretty clear that you're hiding something.

G-Lexington said:
I want you to think about how many times somebody has asked you about your sexuality? Probably very very few. And how often have you walked up and asked somebody else about their sexuality? Again, probably not very often. In short, this isn't really going to be much of a concern.
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This is much more common nowadays than when we were growing up, Lex. That's a good thing, because it means it really isn't a big issue anymore (for most people). Look at Facebook and the other online sites for young'n's: they all have places to list your sexuality. It's very blase nowadays, especially at college.

rickm28inil said:
I don't think you necessarily have to be "upfront". When I started college, I got involved with the LGBT group. They had sponsored a series of "coming out" sessions that met once a week throughout the semester. That way, I got to meet others in the same boat as I was in. From that, my network of friends and activities just expanded in an organic way. I even met my first boyfriend at the group. Going to that first meeting was more scary than I can tell you, but it was so worth it.
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Exactly what he said. As you meet a couple gay guys, they'll introduce you to two friends, and they'll introduce you to two friends... and soon you'll realize 20% of campus is gay. :D
 
You don't have to be so bold and in people's face. It's your business. I feel it's good to connect with other gays and stand up for gay rights in college. That's definitely a starter.
 
I say go first and then figure it out from there. You can only glean so much from college visits, and even then it's definitely not the same. I came out to myself the fall of my Freshmen year, and I never really had to come out to other people: they just knew. It's not that I run around in pink shirts and shrieking (not that there's anything wrong with that)...it's really in the subtleties. You'll eventually figure it out when you work out your gaydar hehe. But really, unless you're in some backwards state like Texas (and even here...), it really doesn't matter. No one cares. Seriously. I know you'll have to figure this out for yourself, but the vast majority of people who pursue higher education will not care if you're gay or straight. And most of them in part will also not confront you about your sexuality. That's just rude. For all they know, you could be very metro. Or very into the Arts. It's for you to decide who you tell, and most people realize this and respect it. Enjoy college! I'm approaching my senior year, and I'm having my own dilemmas at the moment, so enjoy the newness of it. I wish you the best! xx
 
I went to a college far away from home so that I could "come out". I realized though that college Freshmen were just adult high schoolers who were still immature about sexuality. So I never "came out" per se, I was just myself, and people probably realized it over time. I never had anyone actually "ask" me my sexuality. I don't think situations like that come up very often. Just be yourself and do it gradually and it will be no big deal. Good Luck! :)
 
I suspect that once you get away to university and you're able to relax and be yourself, you'll look back at this and wonder what the big deal was.

Straight people don't have a problem saying they are straight. Why should you have any reason not to say you are gay?
 
I say this like a few have said before:


Go to college looking for a change in you personally, not for what everybody else wants.

For me last year, I went into college and people saw me as this cocky, masculine jock that was extremely attracted to women. That's just how my personality is sometimes. It wasn't a fake or a cover up.

Then later on during the year, I came out to my best friends. they were shocked as hell but then totally understood and accepted me.

As of now I'm not out entirely, I don't go to GLBT meetings and I don't even go to campus functions that celebration gay life. At this point in my life, that lifestyle and way of living isn't right for me. Yes, I am a gay male but that doesn't mean I have to have a flag or attend meetings to be gay. But that doesn't mean I hide from it either. If that were the case, then I would be in more trouble than I thought.

My best advice would be to just play it out. Do what YOU think YOU would best thrive in at that campus. Ultimately, no one else matters in YOUR decision to be who you are.
 
whether you come out to more or less people, you should do it fairly early. from my experience, its more difficult to come out to people after you have formed your "identity" at school. not saying that you should force yourself to come out if you really arent comfortable, go at your own pace. if you have roommates, you should get comfortable with them first so you can come out to them, sooner the better. if you dont come out to them because you think they arent the type of people who will accept you, prepare for a long awkward year if you dont move out. but like everyone else pretty much said you should go to the club on campus and try to meet some people since they wont judge you. you dont have to go to every meeting if thats not your focus or part of your personality, but you go once or a few times then you will meet people and will be a little more comfortable. hope you have fun ;)
 
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