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Best Friend Blues

L

lostone89

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so here's how things are going:
my best friend broke up with his boyfriend of 3 years back in march. after a couple of weeks and a really long talk trying to cheer him up, i told him how i felt about him. he agreed to go out with me, and at the end of the date told me he would have to think about us. two weeks later, we have lunch; and i find out that he now has a boyfriend. he says that he hopes there's no hard feelings from me, but he doesn't love me "in that way." i have tried to maintain our friendship for the past month since this happened; but everything seems to be heading downhill fast. he keeps telling me EVERYTHING that he and his new boyfriend do, and always has to bring him up in EVERY conversation we have. To top it all off, he keeps singing the praises of his new boyfriend for the same attributes which he claimed were the reasons he was hesitant about dating me. He and I have been talking about getting a place together and splitting bills for the past 6 months, and he still wants to; although his new boyfriend is part of the deal now.
despite my best effort to move on from this, my heart won't let me. when he told me that he didn't love me, that was the worst night of my life. It literally made me sick on my stomach and caused me chest pains while i cried. for the first time in my life i honestly know what it's like to have a broken heart. What do i do?
 
Begin by setting boundaries with him and it's ok to ask him to stop the constant talk about his boyfriend. Reevaluate moving in with him. Keep busy and stick to a routine so you're not relying on him for all your socialization. Wish him the best. It's impossible to force romantic feelings. I'm not sure if you've ever been on the other side of the issue. As someone who has, I'm still not sure which is worse, wanting someone who does want you, or someone wanting you when you don't wish the same.

I'm sorry you're hurting. You'll heal faster if you keep yourself from fantasizing how to win him over. Best wishes.
 
Seasoned said:
Begin by setting boundaries with him and it's ok to ask him to stop the constant talk about his boyfriend. Reevaluate moving in with him. Keep busy and stick to a routine so you're not relying on him for all your socialization. Wish him the best. It's impossible to force romantic feelings. I'm not sure if you've ever been on the other side of the issue. As someone who has, I'm still not sure which is worse, wanting someone who does want you, or someone wanting you when you don't wish the same.

I'm sorry you're hurting. You'll heal faster if you keep yourself from fantasizing how to win him over. Best wishes.
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The real issue is that i have been trying to move on, trying to focus on other things; but he always has to remind me of the fact that i failed. if he would just have left it at "i don't feel the same" it would have been okay; but the fact that he always has to tell me everything that he and his new boyfriend are doing is driving me insane. and he does it almost provocatively, as if to say "look what you'll never have"....
 
I wouldn't move in with him that's for sure. You are gonna go nuts everytime his b/f comes over and its probly gonna make you ending up resenting your friend and then things will go real bad. Feeling like a 3rd wheel is never comfortable.
 
This is from someone in the "other side".

Long story short, before the guy that I'm currently seeing, I had some on and off relationship with a best friend. Eventually our relationship didn't work and I started dating my current partner, but I think my friend still has a lot of feelings for me (unlike you, he has no intend to go further than being friends with benefits).

As he's my best friend, I have this urge to share my new relationship with him. To be honest, I totally understand your friend's feelings. The guy I'm dating is great in many ways, and I have the urge of talking about him all the time to my close friends. I think your friend is just being an insensitive fool. I'm pretty good at reading people's emotions, and whenever I just casually mention my partner, my friend is definitely pissed off. I don't like him being angry like that, but being a friend I just let it pass. You really need to let your friend know your frustration, unless you want to hold your feelings inside - which is not a very healthy thing to do.

Another thing is that you need to maintain a distance from him from now - and he should know better. I guess he's afraid that he might hurt your feeling if he distances himself from you, but that's the only way for you to get over him. For the time being, you need to occupy yourself with other social relationships and work apart from him. The first thing you need to learn for a healthy relationship in the future is not to be over-dependent, and you can start now. Plus it's gonna be frustrating for him as well if you're frustrated (trust me, I'm often stressed out by my friend's erratic reactions).

I used to be in the same situation, too. It took me a good while to get over that guy (more or less a year - but I was a bit messed up back then). After that, looking back I see how childish I was - but again you can't just deny your own feelings, can you? Now he and I are still best friends, so I hope you'll end up keeping a relationship with him.
 
Um, your first red flag should have been that he would go with someone on a date soon after the end of a 3-year long relationship. It screams REBOUND.

I second the advice to put up some distance, and make it clear in no uncertain terms that that's what you're doing.
 
I really feel awful about this whole thing. I feel like shit because i have feelings for him; and i also feel bad because i know his new boyfriend's bad history with relationships and how they all turn out. The worst part about that is that I can't tell my best friend; because then it'll look like i'm trying to break them up for my own benefit. I don't want to do that, but i also don't want him to get hurt by this guy. btw, all of the guy's 5 relationships over the past three years ended with him cheating on the other guy.
 
He's just not that into you... you're stuck in the friend zone. Sorry. Only way to get over a man is under another one.
 
If you think you are miserable now, imagine what it will be like if you move in together. Bad idea.

It really doesn't matter if his relationship with the new guy doesn't work out. He has rejected you once, don't give him the chance to do it again. You aren't what he is looking for in a romantic relationship.

You may need to put some space between the two of you to see if your friendship was really all you thought it was. If it is, you should be able to get back to where you were.
 
I really do fell bad for you. I hope everything works out okay. May you'll do need to spend some time apart. It happens, he just thinks of you as a friend, a good friend. Nothing more. I've had the same feeling about my best friend. I think in time you'll feel better about the situation and move on.
 
#1 - Be glad you're not his rebound.
#2 - Tell him how him bringing up his boyfriend all the time draws up painful feelings in you, and that you'd please like to discuss something else.
 
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