Best friend troubles =[ (Long)

[spontrecovery]

Hi! Sooo I feel like this problem I'm having can't really be confided with friends because being gay is totally a factor I'm sure. So I confide in JUB Relationship subforum! =]

Well let's start off with some good times. I'm best friends with my roommate and apartmentmate. We're a close trio package and known each other for 2 years now since the start of college when we were in the same suite (pretty much besties from the very 1st week). This spring I watched Milk with my roommate. Milk, the urge to yell it out, the sense that the roommate had the right to know (still roommates for next year!), and being the most comfortable I've ever been when with these two, I finally came out to them, one at a time. I was so scared. I even bribed them right before the reveal. Gave the aptmate loads of Clifbars and the roommate loads of chocolate (He effing loves chocolate, like a horse and sugar). The relief was heavenly when I told them, and when they said they were perfectly fine with it made be feel even better. Now we're comfortable with my homo-ness, we can just talk and joke abt it now. And I feel really good that the roommate doesn't think I'm some demented pervert.

Well, anyways, that was the good stuff. But there's always some shit afterwards. Involves my apartment mate, whom should just be aptly named Sam (fake). Sam is my very best friend. We connect on a deeper and closer level than anyone else I've known. We talk and joke abt stuff that is taboo with anyone else (not just abt gay stuff). I'm comfortable discussing everything and anything with him. In public, it woulda been called a bromance at its finest, and we have had a lot of great memories and moments (platonically).

Sam was some kind of shy in high school, or atleast he didn't live the crazy teen life that I did during hs. (Partying, drinking, having lots of friends?..) I've always been outgoing and in college it was always me showing him the ropes on that super fun stuff and such. I remember talking to him abt friendships - and he said he wasn't satisfied with how many he had. Me, I found the best 2 friends I'd ever want and was perfectly happy to where I was on the level of how many friends and ppl I knew. So I am downtrodden (read: heartbroken) now that he is taking initiatives to become closer with other people.

We agreed that he'd get drunk his first time with me by his side, but this summer he instead went ahead and got blasted with his roommate (who he doesn't even like!) and a bunch of people he didn't know. I don't know how to describe my reaction to this. I'm a really jealous person (genes, I blame) and so I'll say I was jealous and hurt. Incredibly, incredibly hurt. It's just one of those experiences I wanted with him (no, didn't want to seduce him when drunk), because my 1st time was the best fun ever. I just wanted to give him that experience with me at his side.

And so the confusion starts for me. He's my best friend. We have a bromance. I'm gay. I wish it was platonic, but over the 2 years I've just gotten closer and closer to him. On some nights I ask the question: "Wait, in the beginning I never had feelings for him, WHAT THE HELL happened??" And I think these wishes are just making me even more jealous that he'd rather hang with other people now.

I tried to confront him on the drinking thing, but he really hates discussing these things with feelings and what was done wrong. He said "I had issues." WHICH I did admit that I got some of that genetic jealousy shit in me. I just wish he'd help me through the jealousy instead of just sitting there watching TV and shrugging when I confront him. All our fights basically become me confronting him for something he did, him not admitting anything wrong, him calling me oversensitive, and the whole time he won't stop whatever he's doing to look at me.

Hey okay I gotta rant about this one. We were offered a cheaper, better cable and internet for the apt. Only me and Sam were left as summer school is ending and I was leaving for home, so Sam agrees to take care of installation. Time was scheduled to be in early morning on a Monday. I didn't have my flight until Monday afternoon. So it's Monday at like 2am (college ppl, heh) and he drops the ball and says he isn't gonna wake up for the installation and I should do it. I was just WTF? I had to pack up and he agreed from the beginning to wake up for it. He just shrugged the "I don't give a fuck" motions, said I wanted the better internet so I should do it. I'm like, "I got this switch so we could have cheaper service!" I pay and handle all the bills and paperwork, and I asked him why he is flaking on the installation. He said he was going swimming the next day and wanted to sleep in (I know that he was going swimming with another friend of his, so basically he threw me under the bus while he goes play). He goes, *shrug* "Then I guess no one is gonna be here when the guy knocks on the door." I got ultimatumed into doing it. I just said "fine, whatever" and he just walks off without a thank you.

Can you get any more douchebaggy? As always I tried to confront him the next day and he gave the same ol' shit where he doesn't give a flying fuck and didn't admit any wrongdoing. Thank god I left for home right after that. And now I'm not talking to him (online, I guess, since we're home for the summer).

So as you can see, I'm as confused as this messy post. I get a sense that he's changing - moving onto other ppl, other stuff. My roommate feels it, too, so I'm not alone on this one. It's just that the roommate is quite emotionally stone-eyed and doesn't mind it as much. But me, I fall apart. You know that feeling you get, when you have that person slipping away. It's like a black hole of depression. It's the shittiest feeling ever.

If God existed, he is the biggest fucking teaser ever. To get you to the point where you question, "Maybe this guys the one? =]" to only get anviled with a reply of "He's not gay," "He's moving on and you'll never be as close again probably", and "I'm going to make him a douchebag now so he can hurt you repeatedly like poking your heart with a hot stick over and over again." I can't figure out if I'm depressingly sad about this because I'm losing a best friend or if I feel like I'm losing the closest thing to being the One for me.

I mean...cmon, one time he was on the couch watching TVand I was walking across the room, and I raised my middle finger at him the same time he did the exact same thing to me. And we didn't look until we both turned our heads to see if the other saw it! That's nuts!! (Maybe you had to be there?) Anyways plenty of other MFEO moments (I tell him these things happened cuz we're Made For Each Other, in which he reacted with a Ahhh and Nooooo neverrr (half serious and joke, I'm sure, as he tries to stay on the other team). We can look at each other and figure out what the other is thinking. =p That's always fun. We get in convos with other friends and they get mad when we're silent talking to each other. We have our own acronym system (MFEO is one of them. =P). We even have our very own SAJ show (S for Sam, J for my name! a for and?) where we can make fun of what happens in our everyday lives. Dang, typing too much. Sorry, am just thinking abt the good times.

I need . I wish it was from him. =\

I guess, ultimately, I need to accept the fact that, in the end, my best friends will get girlfriends, fall in love, and get married. I will get left in the dust. And I wish he'd just be with me so we could experience life together, instead. Jealous! Man, I have issues.

Hey sorry for TL, at worst, I got to vent my full feelings on the matter in the safest place I could find other than a xanga.

but..

TL;DR: Guy best friend is changing and moving onto other friends. I'm incredibly jealous. He doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore. I'm depressed. And I'm goooooooooing nuts over it!

Hey if you finished though...kudos! Jesus! O.O we don't have a bowing smiley? :kowtow:

 

[Lube]

Sorry to hear about this. Without seeing his reactions and hearing his tone of voice, it's hard to tell whether he likes you but is afraid of being gay, or if he really is just moving on to new friends (things like that happen in college as we grow up and change).

One question for you: How many women has he dated and/or fucked?

 

[hotb0d]

I made it through. Kudos for me lol. Erm...where do we even start? I think it's good that you have super close friends but I have to break it to you, no friendship lasts forever. They come and go like the seasons. I have had this happen to me before. Couple of years ago, I had a group of friends that I thought would be by my side through thick and thin for a lifetime. Sadly enough, we barely hang out anymore. People move on with their lives and so should you. You and Sam already built a solid foundation, just allow him to wander off and meet new people. I even think that's a good thing for your friendship. When he meets new people and make new friends, he will then realize that friends do come and go, and maybe one day he will realize the valuable friendship that you guys have. He will probably go back to being close to you just like you wanted. You said that you were a trio? so why don't you just go hang out with the other guy? Or better yet, just make new friends. NO need to go around and beat yourself over the fact that Sam wants to put a bit of distance between himself and you.

Another thing, you should call him out on his douchebaggeries. Just don't let him slide, make him respect you. Have you ever thought that maybe this guy really isn't your best of friends or the ONE? I mean if he IS your best friend, he should taken your friendship into careful consideration and would have talked to you about feelings/deeper things. And I don't believe that whole 'oh I'm straight so I don't want to talk about feelings. I'm not a girl' crap.

 

[rareboy]

I'm a really jealous person (genes, I blame) and so I'll say I was jealous and hurt. Incredibly, incredibly hurt. It's just one of those experiences I wanted with him.

You can blame whatever you want, but jealousy is not just genetic. It is a loathsome deficit of character, usually the result of being a spoiled, insecure child. Snap out of it and stop trying to rationalize it.

And I think these wishes are just making me even more jealous that he'd rather hang with other people now.

You don't own the guy. From what you say, the only reason you want to hang out with him is to control him.

He said "I had issues." WHICH I did admit that I got some of that genetic jealousy shit in me. I just wish he'd help me through the jealousy instead of just sitting there watching TV and shrugging when I confront him. All our fights basically become me confronting him for something he did, him not admitting anything wrong, him calling me oversensitive, and the whole time he won't stop whatever he's doing to look at me.

He doesn't have to be your therapist and you don't want someone to help you work through your jealousy, you only want someone to validate it.

And I wish he'd just be with me so we could experience life together, instead. Jealous! Man, I have issues.

Yes. You do. Serious issues. But they don't deserve to be rewarded by hugs or encouragement.

To be blunt, you both sound like very immature young men with some really unpleasant behavioural characteristics.

Stop acting like you're 14.

I'm going to strongly suggest that you seek out psychological or psychiatric assistance to help you overcome your infantile jealousy. Seriously. Because if you don't you are going to have an incredibly bitter, frustrated life ahead of you and will end up leaving a trail of emotional and even physical damage behind you.

 

[KaraBulut]

You need a boyfriend.

No, really.

I'm serious.

Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. You're really confusing the two.

When you have a real snuggle buddy to focus all this energy upon, you'll get some perspective on all these bromance dramas.

And everyone will be happier for it.

P.S. Rareboy's words on the subject of jealousy are harsh but you should listen to him. Jealousy will get you into all sorts of trouble in work, life and love. Deal with your insecurities now before you get out into the real world where there's a lot to be jealous of.

 

[ridinghorses1]

He clearly wants some more space, possibly because he's bothered that people think that you two "are meant for each other." As already stated, get over your jealously and make new friends. You don't own him. If he doesn't care about your feelings anymore, I don't see why you should. I know its heart breaking, but you gotta move on. You don't have to completely ignore him and cut him out of his life, but don't go clawing at his door for him to hang out with you either.

 

[spontrecovery]

Lube, I don't think he's gay or even questioning, really. But he's never had a gf or had sex (probably cause he was shy so far).

Hotb0d, thanks for the advice. Everytime he does some shit I do confront him on it, but everytime he just denies any wrongdoing and we end up not talking for a while.

Rareboy's post reminds me of that Dr. Laura psychologist on the radio. She loves the hard, blunt approach to advice. Personally hate that approach, but I guess that's the kind of advice I need right now. Good reality check with lots of true statements; though, I don't think him ignoring my confrontations helps out either. I don't think I'm the only one to blame for this. Yeah, maybe prof. help is needed, always considering it. I wanted to refute you saying jealousy is a deficit of character, but then I usually say my jealousy is a character flaw to him. So meh, touche.

And yeah, I'm currently trying to get past this. Take my passion to a lower level. Care less.

 

[josher]

In five years you'll be lucky if you see or hear from each once or twice a year. That's how most high school/college friendships go.

You need to make a life for yourself independant of your present friends.

And you appear to be way too needy and into too much drama. That will drive people away from you faster than bad breath.