Best friends with his ex-bf? I don't know if I can handle it.

[SomeBoi]

I appreciate all the replies. I really don't know what my next step is. I don't want to over-react, end things prematurely, and potentially be giving up a great relationship that I didn't give a chance and there really is nothing going on with Josh. Maybe the next thing I need to do really is seeing them together and what that's like. Although it's going to be hard to sit across from the guy who to me "stole" Mike away from a few years ago, lived with him for a year or more, slept with, etc.

I also feel bad to have continued conversations about it with Mike, I don't want him to see me as jealous/insecure but just that the situation makes me insecure. I don't care about any of his other friends. This is the only thing that makes me uncomfortable about his behavior, we're long distance by about 3 hours and even that is nothing.

Another weird thing is they broke up pretty recently. I think things only ended last September. It's SO soon to be jumping into a friendship with an ex that soon isn't it? I feel like Dave just isn't ready to let go of Josh, may still have feelings for him, and wants to keep him around for whatever reason I have no idea. I've been with other people before, it takes a lot longer to get over someone I think. But again, all of this is individual and just because Dave isn't matching the norm for a lot of these things I shouldn't run away?

I feel like it wouldn't go over well if I said, I want you to spend less time with Josh. I do want to say I think the level of connection you have with Josh is too deep. You shouldn't be texting/hanging out with almost as much as your current boyfriend. Who still sends "Night" texts to their ex? Mike does! He still shares his day-to-day with him. Of course he does with me too, but I don't think he can have that level of friendship transition with his ex at least this soon.

I really don't know what to do. Like I said, I want to give it a chance but I don't want to get the crappy end of the stick again.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I feel like it wouldn't go over well if I said, I want you to spend less time with Josh. I do want to say I think the level of connection you have with Josh is too deep. You shouldn't be texting/hanging out with almost as much as your current boyfriend. Who still sends "Night" texts to their ex? Mike does! He still shares his day-to-day with him. Of course he does with me too, but I don't think he can have that level of friendship transition with his ex at least this soon...

OK, you aren't his boyfriend. Don't try any of this. You don't have a commitment from him, so why are you acting like you do? You're getting WAYYYYYYYYYYY ahead of yourself.

What you are doing is panicking yourself into paranoia. This didn't work out last time around, perhaps you should be treating it very causally and be the one dating other guys.

Fuck expectations, get a grip on yourself and just let it ride for awhile - you are tossing a huge weight of expectation and angst on something that has already failed once. You are churning up emotions way too unreasonable for the level of commitment you've got.

YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO THE GUY!

Stop.

Slow down.

 

[SomeBoi]

I do appreciate the advice, I agree I need to stop and slow down. But actually yes I am his boyfriend, I guess I didn't make that clear. But we have had multiple conversations this time about being exclusive, not dating other people, etc. he has introduced me as his boyfriend to friends and family already. Just last weekend I spent Easter with him and his family etc. have spent multiple weekends and full weeks together, etc. hope that puts it into more perspective that it is kind of serious already and we are defining it as a relationship mutually.

 

[SomeBoi]

Correct. Because he knows how I feel about the situation it hasn't happened. He has suggested a hang out with all 3 of us, that could probably happen anytime I want it to but I felt like I need more time? I just don't know how I'd feel in that situation. Sitting across from the guy he lived with for a year, slept with, etc etc. I will think about all of that more than the new supposed "friendship".

 

[tonystark121]

I can understand your issues with this situation as I've been in one similar. My BF dumped for a guy we shall Bill Ray (because it's a terrible name) Well he and Billy Ray didn't work out and a year later we were back together, but he still wants to be friends with Billy Ray because "I still have feelings for him, not love but we're close" I hated it at first. Beyond hated it, I did everything short of breaking up with him that I could think of in order to get rid of the situation. But eventually I realized it was exactly what he said it was, just a friendship. I'm still not to fond of Bill Ray but I trust my BF enough that nothing untoward will happen.

 

[SomeBoi]

I can understand your issues with this situation as I've been in one similar. My BF dumped for a guy we shall Bill Ray (because it's a terrible name) Well he and Billy Ray didn't work out and a year later we were back together, but he still wants to be friends with Billy Ray because "I still have feelings for him, not love but we're close" I hated it at first. Beyond hated it, I did everything short of breaking up with him that I could think of in order to get rid of the situation. But eventually I realized it was exactly what he said it was, just a friendship. I'm still not to fond of Bill Ray but I trust my BF enough that nothing untoward will happen.

Anything help you over time to reach that realization? I feel like I'm spending a lot of time also trying to determine what I can do to make the ex go away even considering breaking up as not sure if I could handle it forever.

 

[Brian Smith]

Well, my ex and I continue being on very good terms, and my partner has tried to be supportive of that.

However, I began to notice that my partner would become moody and unhappy any time I had been talking on the phone with my ex. I noticed that, whenever I would talk about my ex, he would become insecure and keep saying, "I wish I could be more for you" and stuff like that. He never outwardly said that my continued correspondence with my ex made him uncomfortable, but he couldn't have hidden it even though I know he wanted to.

I just gradually tapered off my relationship with my ex, and it's gotten to where I only text him occasionally, particularly on holidays or his birthday. My ex has gradually moved on to greener pastures and has a broad social circle of his own. We still have very positive regard for each other, but our lives are entirely separate from each other. And we are happy.

I didn't need my partner to demand that of me. I didn't need him to express his feelings outright. He tried like Hell to cover up those feelings that he somehow had to compete with my ex or measure up to him somehow. But it was very hard on him. I knew to taper things off with the old lover because I was sensitive to his feelings and cared deeply about his welfare.

But the most helpful thing he said to me was when he told me exactly how he felt: once when I asked why he was suddenly moody after I had called my ex (let's call him "John"), he said, "you say that 'John says this' and 'John does that'. I don't feel like I could ever be that much of a person for you." He didn't tell me what he expected me to do about it. He just told me with total, pure honesty how he felt. He was really kind of ashamed of it, but I am glad that he came clean with me. He did me a great service by that.

It was my job to decide what to do about it, not his. It would have been awful for me to put him in the position of telling me whom I can and can't talk to. It would have been morally unacceptable for me to make him feel like he was somehow being a jealous and controlling lover. I had to care enough about him to take my own initiative to wean myself off of my previous attachment. The right thing was for it to come from ME.

But that's just how I felt about the matter. Maybe you guys will end up handling it differently.

 

[M4P]

Both my partner (of 16+ years) and I have friendships with people we dated in the past. I believe "Mike" when he said we make better friends than partners - this is a mature statement. I was broken hearted when my ex and I broke up years ago. I missed him so much afterwards. We were good friends and when the relationship ended he was gone from my life. Fast forward about 8 years we crossed paths in a store and must have talked for two hours. Today we're friends. Good friends! I enjoy visiting with him and share so many of his values. I don't miss dating him and can't imagine nor do I desire to do the mattress dance with him. We're just friends. I hope you can allow yourself to trust Mike

 

[tonystark121]

Anything help you over time to reach that realization? I feel like I'm spending a lot of time also trying to determine what I can do to make the ex go away even considering breaking up as not sure if I could handle it forever.

Honestly? No. It took me over a year to get used to the idea, perhaps it helped when I stopped focusing on it. Really this is a problem only you can put away yourself. Sure you might be able to convince him to stop being friends with the ex, but then you're the boyfriend who is trying to dictate terms and conditions of your relationship. Is that what you really want? No probably not, most of us aren't complete psychos. And remind yourself that they broke up for a reason, and whatever that reason may be it has more then likely not gone away, and if he's trying to date you then he has more then likely moved on

 

[SomeBoi]

I need advice on how to approach Mike about how it's really bothering me, but without seeming controlling, and I don't want to ask that they don't hang out. Any suggestions?? Here's the current situation: Mike is currently away for work, flying home May 3 and will be a month since we last saw eachother in person, and will be in his hometown for one day on May 4. Then after we will be staying together in a nearby city for a week before he has to fly off for work for a little bit again.

I told him I could come up May 3/May 4, I honestly wanted to surprise him and be at his house for when he gets off from the airport. But he told me he is going to be hanging out with Josh morning/afternoon of May 4th until I get there. Hanging out with Josh still seems like such a priority for him? It bothers me so much that instead of spending half the day with any of his other friends, he's picking Josh. It's not even about Josh cutting into our time together, we will have a whole week, but I can't stop dwelling on the fact they're going to hang out as soon as he gets home. As soon as I see him I feel like I'm going to be less excited/kind of down seeing him on May 4th after I know they just finished hanging out all day. I don't even know what they do together. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I trust him, it just really makes me feel uneasy and it's always on my mind.

What should I do or say? @Brian Smith: I really, really wish Mike would do exactly what you did, but I don't think it's going to happen. I have no idea how to induce that haha.

 

[Brian Smith]

Well, let me reflect again on how much my partner helped me by just saying plainly how he reacted, not imposing anything on me but just saying what his feelings were. He indicated that he felt distressed, and it was up to me to figure out how to resolve that. It empowered me to make the call on what to do.

And, if he wants to be a dick about it, well, you can't have everything. You have to eventually weigh the cost/gain ratio, and make up your mind whether you really think he cares about you. If you have told him that certain things upset you and he doesn't make any move to make you feel more comfortable about things, even being more discreet, that isn't a deal-breaker.

However, if that were part of a litany of ways that he hasn't considered your feelings in the relationship, the first step would be what I call a "come to Jesus meeting." That's as sinister in practice as it sounds. It means having a serious, no-bullshit discussion about the fact that you are seriously questioning the future of the relationship, and he can either make up his mind to straighten up and fly right or just call it quits VERY soon. The step after that is to take a long, long walk, and tell him to find someone else to treat as his doormat.

But the first step is to just be honest about how YOU are being affected. Don't give him any prescription for how to handle it. If he asks, tell him straight-out, "I can't tell you how to live your life. I can tell you how I feel, but I refuse to tell you what to do about it. That's up to you."

Again, I can see the possibility of letting this little pig slide if he otherwise makes the relationship worth your while. It's not by itself a deal-breaker, the way I see it. You have to make a certain number of allowances for things in a relationship that you don't particularly like. If you tell him your feelings and he doesn't want to help you feel more comfortable, just mark it down as a "strike."