Bet back in the closet

[willsee]

I came out to my parents last week over the phone and they were very loving and supportive. I think they were both in shock, but they said that they love me and to "not worry about your parents".

Since then they've been going through the "stages of mourning" as my mom put it. She's been crying a lot, they saw the diamond wedding ring set a side for me and that got them more upset. They live in my home town in the midwest, while I'm going to school in NYC. Neither of us has told anyone since we talked. They told me that people will not look at me the same and that many won't react well. I'm a bit of a "golden boy" in that community, funny, motivated, good looking (If I can say so), people call me a future President, etc.

Today, My mom reinforced a notion of "don't ask don't tell" and asked that I at least wait until my grandfather, a conservative homophobic former chicago banker, dies. She doesn't want to have a conversation with him about my sexuality (and frankly neither do I).

I have wonderful parents and I take making them sad, but on the other hand, I've been in the closet since I was 12 because I didn't want to hurt them. I feel like it's time to look for someone I can share my life with, and I feel like I'm wasting my life not dating and being ambiguous. Can I live a separate life in NY and make everyone happy? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks,

WS

 

[exceeder]

I came out to my parents last week over the phone and they were very loving and supportive. I think they were both in shock, but they said that they love me and to "not worry about your parents".

Since then they've been going through the "stages of mourning" as my mom put it. She's been crying a lot, they saw the diamond wedding ring set a side for me and that got them more upset. They live in my home town in the midwest, while I'm going to school in NYC. Neither of us has told anyone since we talked. They told me that people will not look at me the same and that many won't react well. I'm a bit of a "golden boy" in that community, funny, motivated, good looking (If I can say so), people call me a future President, etc.

Today, My mom reinforced a notion of "don't ask don't tell" and asked that I at least wait until my grandfather, a conservative homophobic former chicago banker, dies. She doesn't want to have a conversation with him about my sexuality (and frankly neither do I).

I have wonderful parents and I take making them sad, but on the other hand, I've been in the closet since I was 12 because I didn't want to hurt them. I feel like it's time to look for someone I can share my life with, and I feel like I'm wasting my life not dating and being ambiguous. Can I live a separate life in NY and make everyone happy? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks,

WS

I'm in a more or less similar situation as you, although I am not out to my parents. I am from rural Quebec, but live in Toronto for school. Over here (in toronto), I am out and proud, and I definitly do not live a secret life as a gay man.
However back home, I never talk about my sexuality, particularly with my family (Some of my members are fairly conservative, such as my mormon uncle, or my 70 something aunts and uncles), so I don't want to create problems and rifts with the older generation.

This is how am living my life at the moment anyway. For now, it works fine. I can have a happy life. That being said, i should emphasis that I am not, and never have dated or been in a relationship, so I cannot coment for the potential of having a partner and what his expectations would be of me, knowing that I am still not out to my family.

This is my personal experience anyway.

 

[Mattiait]

hey man, i'm in the EXACT same thing, and since im not effeminated and had girlfriends before it added a little up to the chock....the problem is: i am spending this next month with them(im in vacation here) and i am "living" all the stages of mourning...its just extremily hard.
maybe we both could talk..if you want add me on msn:

 

[G-Lexington]

Being out doesn't have to mean telling (or reminding) everybody at every opportunity that you're gay. It means letting the people you care most about know...and then really not caring about the rest of them. If they know, great. If not, no biggie.

You've told your parents. That's over and done. You don't have to tell your grandfather. It doesn't sound like you're all that close to him, so just don't tell him. If he asks about your love life, just play it off by saying something like "I'd rather not talk to my grandfather about my love life". Done and done. Of course, if you DO want to tell him - if you feel it's important to, or you don't want to lie when he asks - that's totally your call.

Lex

 

[Nomenclature]

As it's been pointed out before:

When we first realized we were gay, most of us didn't take it too well. I know I realized when I was 11 years old, and I went into denial about it; I was depressed and angry because of it. It takes most of us a few years to finally come to terms with being gay, and to then to be able to accept it enough to come out to others.

At the same time, when you tell the important people in your life that you're gay, they're usually going to go through the same stages of denial, remorse and acceptance that we did. It's going to take them a few years to finally come around, too.


Your parents will always love you and are trying to support you the best they can through all of this, but this is still very difficult for them. Before you were ready to deal with it, you wanted to stay closeted to avoid hurting others. Now, THEY aren't ready to deal with it and want you to stay closeted to avoid hurting others.

I'm sure there was a time when you realized that you would never be marrying a woman and having children the same way everyone else does. . .and now your parents are accepting that loss/difference, too. . .just like you did when you were at that point.




The best advice we can give is to stick through this, because it WILL get better eventually. We're here if you need to vent. Keep us updated.

 

[Seasoned]

Life is often a compromise between what we need/want and what others need/want from us. It's been my experience that I have had better mental health when I have done what is best for me without deliberately hurting anyone else. Don't automaticly think the older folks are all homophobes. There weren't any 70 year olds in the car that did the drive by gay bashing on me. In the meantime, if there is a Canadian branch, get your parents some PFLAG literature. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel more inclined to be open anywhere there is legalgay marriage.

 

[willsee]

Thank you all for the opinions and advice. Lex and Nomen, that's some very solid stuff. I just need to give my parents time, like I gave myself time. For now, I'm not going to tell my friends (even though I think they would be supportive...and probably ask why I didn't tell them).

I just think it will be easier for my parents to digest without having to by my PR person and field calls and visits from my mom's gossipy friends.

My mom says that she'll pay for counseling for me...which would imply she's in denile, but I told her it wouldn't matter. It's definitely a difficult situation.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>My mom says that she'll pay for counseling for me..

Suggest (kindly) that she might want to pay for counseling for herself. Or, better yet, suggest she check out PFLAG.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Live your life for yourself and no-one else. Don't divide your life to spare someone's "feelings". Never back down or second guess the place you have reached in coming out. Continue to live truthfully. You will love your life infinitely more.

This is what I would have said.

I never announced to anyone that I was a homo.

I just brought my bf home with me and introduced him to everyone in my family and my friends.

They were welcome to think that we were just Damon and Pythias or that we sucked each other's cock.

 

[evanrick]

i like that approach. show up with a boyfriend and let them figure it out themselves.

 

[gogol2009]

i come for a very conservative family too. telling your parents was hard, and its going to be hard for them to adjust. if you are planning on living in NY then there is no reason for anyone to know. its your life and its your business- but respecting your parents wishes, at least for the time being-- would probably go a long way to lettng them know you are still the same person.

I say if they come visit you- live your life as normal and dont hide anything from them. If and when you do find the love of your life-- if you wanna bring him back home then thats cool too. but no reason to shock ur older family if you dont have to.

 

[altlover85]

If you're planning on staying in NYC/not moving back home, then I would just let your parents be for a little while and give them the PFLAG material. Whenever you feel comfortable, tell your friends, if you want.

I also agree with Soreknees and would not assume that just because someone is older, they are more conservative.

Good luck!