Betrayal of Trust

[justsimon]

I really just need to rant a bit. My best friend has been experiencing a (self-proclaimed) midlife crisis (she's 39). She's been pretty wild for the last few months, sleeping around with a lot of suspect guys, drinking more than usual and just being generally immature about life and love.

I've tried to be a good friend. I've listened to her whine about men I told her were no good. I've listened to her obssess over men who weren't worth her time. I think I've been more than tolerant, but that's what friends do. Right?

She's been driving me completely bonkers for the last month, but I thought it was a phase and that she would eventually mellow out so I stuck by her. Now she's dating this younger guy. He's 26 and I don't think age is a big deal in most cases, but there are several reasons (which I won't go into) that his age is a drawback. The biggest reason, though is that he's really immature and pretentious and he seems to be excellent at encouraging those qualities in her.

I can't stand the boy, obviously, but my friend is really into him so I tried to give him a chance. The thing is, she is even worse with him. She's lost all sense of responsibility to her friends.

Last week she revealed that she had told her son (he's 19 btw) something very personal about my girlfriend... something that we had specifically told her not to tell anyone. Needless to say, we weren't happy about that. But she apologized, so after a brief lecture I tried to let it go.

Today, I was having a great day until lunch. I usually visit my friend on my lunch break on Sundays so we can rush out for a quick coffee. While waiting for her latte, she admits to me that she disclosed something about me to her new boy. I'm not going to go into specifics, but what she told him was something that I have talked to her about in great detail and explicitly told her to never mention ever. This is something that is a very big deal to me and I do not want it to be common knowledge. We live in a small town and there's a lot of gossip.

So now I don't know what to do. She obviously doesn't care too much about her friendship with me or with my gf. She was essentially my only close friend who's in the state.

And lest you all think my gf and I are super secretive, we're not. We're very open about most things, but everyone needs their privacy about certain matters.

Thanks for listening.

 

[slobone]

After betrayals too numerous to count over the years, I've learned NEVER to tell anything to anybody that you wouldn't want the whole world to know. If the item is juicy enough, even your best friend, after swearing on their mother's, father's, and dog's graves, will inevitably run to tell THEIR best friend. The best you can hope for is that it doesn't get back to you.

I would tell a priest, psychoanalyst, or lawyer -- MAYBE! Oh, and of course you can always tell us here on JUB. We don't know who the hell you are anyway.

A hard lesson to learn, but believe me, it's a universal law. Right up there with never lend anybody a book you hope to get back someday and never offer unsolicited advice.

 

[scrubs]

I agree with Slobone. I am very careful with what I say to friends. I would ask the woman why she repeated the information and let her know how that makes you feel. She needs to know that what she did was a betrayal. Maybe she will remember in the furture and keep her mouth closed.

 

[Steppenwolf]

I mostly agree with Slobone. I have two close friends (for 24 years now) whom I know I could tell anything without fear of it being repeated. That doesn't mean I automatically tell them everything, however. Your "friend" has betrayed your trust just too many times for her to be trustworthy ever again. From now on you have to automatically assume that whatever you tell her will be repeated, even if that phase of hers ends. A little distance now may not be bad. I hope your friendship survives this.

 

[Lube]

Yeah, what everyone else said. I would definitely pull back from the friendship for a while.

Even after things cool down, I wouldn't trust her with anything personal. Kinda sad.

Hope she gets over her phase before something really bad happens to her.

 

[Swellegant]

While I have never had the particular experience of a friend betraying a confidence, it is only because I am a chronic self-discloser and have so few secrets that the opportunity has never really arisen. But I am frequently the recipient of such confidences, and would never dream of betraying my friends. Because then I wouldn't have any friends, would I? Friends don't blab about friends. It isn't done.

It's hard in your position of being rather isolated in regards to close friends, but I would also distance myself from this person. I mean, why does she have to talk about you to her new boyfriend? Hasn't she got her own secrets with which to entertain him? I mean, I understand (because my girl-friend Caroline just told me over my shoulder) that one can use gossip about third parties to create a bond of intimacy with a new lover; however, the third person should not be a friend you want to keep. It can be any number of people you don't care about, your family, your co-workers, etc.

I consider your friend's behavior a severe breach in the social contract and would be unlikely to forgive without some serious amends on her part... amends that would include enough gossip material about the boyfriend that I can blackmail him into silence.

 

[Lube]

I consider your friend's behavior a severe breach in the social contract and would be unlikely to forgive without some serious amends on her part... amends that would include enough gossip material about the boyfriend that I can blackmail him into silence.

That's the perfect answer!

 

[Croynan]

I think she has proven herself that her friendship is not worth the price.

She obviously has no dignity and or descency. Enough is enough.

 

[justsimon]

I consider your friend's behavior a severe breach in the social contract and would be unlikely to forgive without some serious amends on her part... amends that would include enough gossip material about the boyfriend that I can blackmail him into silence.

That's the perfect answer!

If only I had some information. She doesn't even know his last name. Or his phone number.

But thank you all for caring enough to respond. I'm definitely planning on taking a lot of space. I'll be out of town all week so there's no risk of running into her. When I get back I'll deal with it like an adult and sit her down for a talk. I'm not sure she even knows I'm mad at her. She's so distracted lately that she hardly listens (obviously).

It's pretty evident that the friendship is, at the very least, altered.

Thanks again.