Whew, Wednesday came and went and the sun rose today--time marches on. Well, I at least assume the sun rose even though I never saw it today. At 9:12 yesterday morning (have I mentioned I hate doing things on "0s" and "5s"?), I sent my resignation letter. An hour and a half later, I received a very nice response back on behalf of our church leaders. I verbally told some people yesterday I was resigning and their reaction was "It's about time" or "I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner." All I know is that I'm beginning to feel a freedom I've not felt in a very long time. Freedom to be gone weekends here and there and freedom to be me. It's exactly as described in a nice PM I received, it signifies a change in my life and I am no longer stuck. How true!
As of this afternoon, I've added two more people to the coming out list---a female former co-worker (who I'll call Jules (not her name btw)) and my preacher at church (yes, you read that correctly). Jules by far as been the easiest and best reaction. Jules is hosting the halloween party this weekend I think I mentioned previously (I'm going as me because no one will recognize me) but I wanted to have lunch with her before Saturday to let her know I was gay. You see, when I worked with her, I never did things on weekends with the work group because I was afraid if we went to bars or I hung out with some of my female co-workers, the issue of why I didn't ask them out or why I never tried to pick up women might arise--so I withdrew [very bad]. I felt and feel that by telling her, my actions would make sense and we can perhaps begin anew.
Anyway, we had some small talk and I proceeded to tell her that for the last two months I've been blah, blah and I'm gay. All of a sudden Jules breaks out into relieved laughter. She says "Oh good, I was giving it 80-20 that you were either going to tell me you're gay or deathly ill. I'm so glad you're gay." LOL. What a great response!! She's so cool!
The party's going to be great because I have nothing to hide or of which to be ashamed. I'm looking forward to it!
My preacher. Some of you may think I'm a little nutty. I think I'm a little nutty. [I'm beginning to understand an idiom one of my Austrian friends told me when I told both of them I was beginning to come out to friends--he said I would feel like a "bull at the gate" but to remember that the people I'm telling might have homosexuality far from their minds. He looked it up as a translation for a German saying and I had to look it up because I had never heard it before, but I'm starting to understand it.]
However, the way I see it is that where I am currently in my gayness (is that an appropriate gay term--again, I keep asking for the compendium on gay terms and terminology, but no one has sent me one) no one is going to be able to make me feel or convince me I am currently in either a religious gray or black zone. Why? Because I've never heard sermons that it's bad for guys to enjoy looking at women, hanging out with guys looking at women or flirting with women. The problem comes in when there is sex outside marriage (fornication). Since I'm not currently in a relationship or having sexual relations with anyone, I felt I had a decent chance of having a good conversation with my preacher (yes, I realize I may have issues down the road, but I know plenty of people that have had one-night affairs, etc. without catching on fire and if I do find the right guy, we'll be able to face such things together. . . just having the discussion of "I'm gay" is huge). Was I nervous? YAH!
I had not heard from my preacher since I sent the email Wednesday morning. I was pretty much ignored Wednesday evening--who knows why; I didn't really care. In my letter, I just stated I had reached a place in life where I thought all interests would be best served by me not co-leading a ministry (more on that later or in another blog entry). Again, my own personal conviction was that if I am comfortable with my sexuality and am not ashamed of it, my preacher at least should know why I'm resigning. I realize there are divergent views among my brothers but that's my view for me so there
. Yes, yes, sink or swim, sink or swim. I sent him an email this morning asking whether he'd have time to meet this afternoon because I wanted to let him know why I was resigning. We met at Starbucks.
Once we were seated outside (quite cold and windy but what I had to share wasn't for any eavesdropping ears--it's none of their business!), I went through what I had to say including my reasons for not telling him ahead of time of my decision (so he could rightfully be offended yesterday by me not telling him and be completely and honestly caught off-guard and that no one could accuse him of encouraging me to resign). When I finished he said that he had three words and then two words--"I love you" and "I care" wow, I was quite relieved. We went on to have a discussion that matched my view of things within my religion but those views did not exist fifteen or twenty years ago. I was able to have a discussion with my preacher today that would have been impossible 15 or 20 years ago. Yes, I realize it's from the standpoint of me currently being celibate, but the fact that I could tell him that I've always preferred guys over girls, that I like looking at guys and am sexually attracted to guys and have him not say I damned to hell is a very, very big thing (we don't have a great history of love and tolerance within our church history but we've obviously made progress). In fact, of the things mentioned above, he said he does not see anything scripturally wrong with it and doesn't think it "disqualifies" me from leading a ministry (remember, celibate). I still declined.
He went on to say that he pretty much figured I was going to tell him I was gay. He knows me too well--as do my close church friends and, most likely, my parents. We've had our share of issues with one of our ministers over the last five years and yet we stayed so to all of a sudden get a letter of resignation from me citing "personal reasons," he figured there's a really, really short list from which to choose. I HATE being predictable. Oh well, helps with them accepting I suppose. But, he felt I should tell my parents (I know I should but I still have the questions of their handling it) and he thinks my parents can handle it just fine. So, I've pondered and will probably tell them tomorrow (Friday). After all, I'd hate to go one day this week without telling someone I'm resigning, I'm gay or both. Nervous, not too much now--I feel I should be more nervous, but I'm getting more of the "it's no big deal" feelings but must remind myself that for those I'm telling it is a big deal. . . because, it is. Wish me luck.
hugs.
As of this afternoon, I've added two more people to the coming out list---a female former co-worker (who I'll call Jules (not her name btw)) and my preacher at church (yes, you read that correctly). Jules by far as been the easiest and best reaction. Jules is hosting the halloween party this weekend I think I mentioned previously (I'm going as me because no one will recognize me) but I wanted to have lunch with her before Saturday to let her know I was gay. You see, when I worked with her, I never did things on weekends with the work group because I was afraid if we went to bars or I hung out with some of my female co-workers, the issue of why I didn't ask them out or why I never tried to pick up women might arise--so I withdrew [very bad]. I felt and feel that by telling her, my actions would make sense and we can perhaps begin anew.
Anyway, we had some small talk and I proceeded to tell her that for the last two months I've been blah, blah and I'm gay. All of a sudden Jules breaks out into relieved laughter. She says "Oh good, I was giving it 80-20 that you were either going to tell me you're gay or deathly ill. I'm so glad you're gay." LOL. What a great response!! She's so cool!
The party's going to be great because I have nothing to hide or of which to be ashamed. I'm looking forward to it!My preacher. Some of you may think I'm a little nutty. I think I'm a little nutty. [I'm beginning to understand an idiom one of my Austrian friends told me when I told both of them I was beginning to come out to friends--he said I would feel like a "bull at the gate" but to remember that the people I'm telling might have homosexuality far from their minds. He looked it up as a translation for a German saying and I had to look it up because I had never heard it before, but I'm starting to understand it.]
However, the way I see it is that where I am currently in my gayness (is that an appropriate gay term--again, I keep asking for the compendium on gay terms and terminology, but no one has sent me one) no one is going to be able to make me feel or convince me I am currently in either a religious gray or black zone. Why? Because I've never heard sermons that it's bad for guys to enjoy looking at women, hanging out with guys looking at women or flirting with women. The problem comes in when there is sex outside marriage (fornication). Since I'm not currently in a relationship or having sexual relations with anyone, I felt I had a decent chance of having a good conversation with my preacher (yes, I realize I may have issues down the road, but I know plenty of people that have had one-night affairs, etc. without catching on fire and if I do find the right guy, we'll be able to face such things together. . . just having the discussion of "I'm gay" is huge). Was I nervous? YAH!
I had not heard from my preacher since I sent the email Wednesday morning. I was pretty much ignored Wednesday evening--who knows why; I didn't really care. In my letter, I just stated I had reached a place in life where I thought all interests would be best served by me not co-leading a ministry (more on that later or in another blog entry). Again, my own personal conviction was that if I am comfortable with my sexuality and am not ashamed of it, my preacher at least should know why I'm resigning. I realize there are divergent views among my brothers but that's my view for me so there
. Yes, yes, sink or swim, sink or swim. I sent him an email this morning asking whether he'd have time to meet this afternoon because I wanted to let him know why I was resigning. We met at Starbucks.Once we were seated outside (quite cold and windy but what I had to share wasn't for any eavesdropping ears--it's none of their business!), I went through what I had to say including my reasons for not telling him ahead of time of my decision (so he could rightfully be offended yesterday by me not telling him and be completely and honestly caught off-guard and that no one could accuse him of encouraging me to resign). When I finished he said that he had three words and then two words--"I love you" and "I care" wow, I was quite relieved. We went on to have a discussion that matched my view of things within my religion but those views did not exist fifteen or twenty years ago. I was able to have a discussion with my preacher today that would have been impossible 15 or 20 years ago. Yes, I realize it's from the standpoint of me currently being celibate, but the fact that I could tell him that I've always preferred guys over girls, that I like looking at guys and am sexually attracted to guys and have him not say I damned to hell is a very, very big thing (we don't have a great history of love and tolerance within our church history but we've obviously made progress). In fact, of the things mentioned above, he said he does not see anything scripturally wrong with it and doesn't think it "disqualifies" me from leading a ministry (remember, celibate). I still declined.
He went on to say that he pretty much figured I was going to tell him I was gay. He knows me too well--as do my close church friends and, most likely, my parents. We've had our share of issues with one of our ministers over the last five years and yet we stayed so to all of a sudden get a letter of resignation from me citing "personal reasons," he figured there's a really, really short list from which to choose. I HATE being predictable. Oh well, helps with them accepting I suppose. But, he felt I should tell my parents (I know I should but I still have the questions of their handling it) and he thinks my parents can handle it just fine. So, I've pondered and will probably tell them tomorrow (Friday). After all, I'd hate to go one day this week without telling someone I'm resigning, I'm gay or both
. Nervous, not too much now--I feel I should be more nervous, but I'm getting more of the "it's no big deal" feelings but must remind myself that for those I'm telling it is a big deal. . . because, it is. Wish me luck.hugs.