bf still uses a gay dating site..

[ben9651]

This issue is really starting to bug me out!

My bf for one year now is still using the gay dating site we met on.
I de-activated my account there because he asked me to a while ago(which he denies).
He`s online quiet alot.Almost twice a day and whenever i confront him he says that he just checks his msgs there and that he chats with friends.
And the worst part is that he actually asks me whether I WANT him to de-activate it or not as if he shouldn`t know by himself that its NOT right!

What do you guys think ?!
Would YOU be okay with ur bf on dating sites?!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ben9651,

I tend to think that both of you should treat each other equal, meaning that both of you should maintain the profile on this site (or both delete the profile), but....

I like it very much that people on such a dating site are honest from the very first beginning, and that means that both of you must indicate that you are partner of each other.

So anyone visiting either your or his profile must immediately see (eg through a link, almost always possible on such sites) that you are his partner.

Besides that, I tend to advise you that both of you should agree about the text in each other's profile (so in what kind of things both of you are interested).

But please be aware that this is mere my opinion. I can imagine myself very well that other people over here have totally different ideas.

Best wishes & feel free to reply.

 

[HunterM]

After one year in the relationship, there's no reason for him to have his profile active. You should ask him to take it down since you took down yours.

 

[sixthson]

I probably know less about dating sites than anyone on JUB, but isn't a dating site a place you look for dates?

 

[HunterM]

I probably know less about dating sites than anyone on JUB, but isn't a dating site a place you look for dates?

No no no. It's a site to swap cooking recipes

 

[Rolyo85]

I'll just quote myself:

I hate this type of thinking with a fiery passion. I have had grindr ever since vying my iPhone. I have been in two relationships since and I haven't spent a day not being online. I use it with no agenda. I love chatting, meeting new people, and some times flirting. I've never asked permission from a bf to keep it on. I've never tried to cheat through it either, and imapparently good at making that clear, because I've never had a problem because of it. I'm sorry, but there is no inherent "cheating" involved in having a profile in these places, especially grindr. And deleting it is not in interest of the relationship, it's in the interest of insecurity.

Ask yourself what the problem really is - if it were some chatting client he was using to talk to his gay friends, would you be less worried? He met those people on that site, and that's their way of communicating.

There is nothing inherently wrong with profiles in those sites. The wrong comes from what you use them for. If he has given you no reason to suspect he's misusing them, then you're only letting your own insecurities poison this relationship.

 

[JayQueer]

I'm in a monogomous relationship... I still have an active profile on adam4adam.

I haven't sent or responded to a message the entire time I've been in my relationship (and my profile makes it pretty clear that I'm not looking for anything), but I get bored at work or when I'm home alone at night and it's a time waster for me to just login, look at the pretty pictures, and read random profiles.

See that's what I hate about online dating.

I had a profile on an online dating website for gay men (I have since taken it down), but I made my profile interesting with information about myself and photos.

I would respond to guys in L.A. & OC with a nice, friendly, thoughtful email -- but almost nobody would write back to me. I was able to see that they had viewed my profile and had seen my email to them -- but they chose to not even respond. Not even a "no thanks" in most cases.

I don't know how many of those guys who I tried to contact were just "looky loos" with no intention of ever dating anyone, just guys trying to scope out "hot guys" online.

If you're already in a relationship, please take your profile down from online dating websites. At the very least, if you are in a relationship or are not serious about dating -- then at least say so clearly in your profile.

Dating for gay men (I mean actual dating, not looking for a one-night stand) IS difficult for people like me. Please don't make it even more difficult for us.

 

[TX-Beau]

This issue is really starting to bug me out!

My bf for one year now is still using the gay dating site we met on.
I de-activated my account there because he asked me to a while ago(which he denies).
He`s online quiet alot.Almost twice a day and whenever i confront him he says that he just checks his msgs there and that he chats with friends.
And the worst part is that he actually asks me whether I WANT him to de-activate it or not as if he shouldn`t know by himself that its NOT right!

What do you guys think ?!
Would YOU be okay with ur bf on dating sites?!

Do you think he's cheating on you?

If yes, why?

If no, what's the problem?

You deleted yours and now think he has to delete his? You want to keep him away from temptation?

What SPECIFICALLY is it that's bothering you?

I don't monitor my guy's life - because I trust him. I don't even know if he has a dating site profile. This causes me no grief because I trust him.

 

[future_retro]

The thing is it's a gay DATING site. If your b/f considers himself to be in a relationship, why is he still on a gay dating site? I think it's fair for you to be concerned ben9651. And if he asked you to deactivate your account but won't deactivate his (and is now denying that he ever asked you) you're definitely in red flag territory. That brings about other issues like hypocrisy, incongruence and lying.

Also, it doesn't really gel for me that some guys in relationships maintain their profiles because they're "just looking around". Looking around for what?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Well, there's a trust issue here. He asked you to de-activate yours but wasn't willing to de-activate his? Either both of you should have an online profile on there, or not at all. I think a committed relationship can function with both partners still logging in and just looking at profiles and chatting. However, it must be open and honest.

If he doesn't want you to have a profile, then have him de-activate his. Case closed.

 

[HotTwinkxxx]

Ohh man. I had this same problem. Not too long ago.
The guy I was "dating" got mad (annoyed as he said) at me for being on the site. Although I only checked it when I received a message. I did not even reply to the messages. I'd laugh at sender's poor attempt.

Irked by all of his nagging I decided to delete my account. And he said he did not want me to delete my account, he just wanted me to stop logging on while we were on the phone talking.

I was expecting him to delete his account too, but he kept his. I wasn't bothered by it but was bothered by his clingy/paranoid behavior. So when we "broke up," he had arranged a hook up with someone from the site.

So to answer your question, yes tell him to delete his account. You both have each other so there's no need for the site

Sorry I replied to this late. Hopefully your problem is resolved.

 

[Seasoned]

Tell him you'd like him to be off the site. We are all programmed differently and there is nothing wrong with being yourself. There are plenty of ways to connect with people short of dating sites.

"Making" yourself ok with it isn't working for you. It sounds from some of the responses like it does work for others. Relationships aren't a one size fits all and what works or doesn't work for my husband and me wont be the solution for another couple.

We handle major differences and conflict with couple's counseling. We have a pair of therapists we see on and off as we need to. That's our solution, but not everyone else's. We're currently in therapy over several issues, one of them being ageing.

If there were a "one size fits all" solution all issues would be non-issues. The fact is we give and take and compromise in relationships depending on individual likes and dislikes.

If he's made real friendships there's such a thing as email.

Best wishes to you both. PM me anytime.

 

[ben9651]

update::::

He actually deleted his account on that site about a week ago without me telling him .. so everything is cool..

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

^ Just saw this. Well that's respectful of him



These sites are too tempting. On more than one occasion, partnered guys have chatted me. I kept it casual because they are looking for friends or jus to pass the time. Then there is flirtation and the nude pics. "If I were single..." turned into "maybe just a feel...." and then "so when do you wanna do this?" I haven't though, but still....I think a lot of guys go in thinking they can handl themselves. But by the end of the day you are surrounded by single horny gay guys.

I have been in your shoes. For me it wasn't a trust issue, but a respect one. He asked me to delete my profile, yet he still used his. To me, that says he doesn't want you having more options.

And arent there more constructive ways to talk to friends besides going on dating sites