"BF" Still Using Hookup Sites??

[smltightbum25]

Hi Hi So I need some advise/guidance from you guys on my current relationship situation. I've been seeing the same guy since just before Xmas last year - we started as roomies, then progressed to fuck buddies lol. Over the last few months we've continued to play with each other, but also other dudes (him more so than I, I am not a huge fan of casual fun 'cause i think it feels empty). A few weeks ago we had a chat about what both of us wanted from our current situation, and the end result was that we both wanted to date each other. Woohoo because I really like this guy and I know he cares for me too.

Now the thing that worries me is that i've found out he is still using hookup sites and meeting other guys for sex. When we talked, HE was the one that brought up that we would be 'exclusive' to one another so now im kinda wondering what's going on. I want to talk to him about it, but not too sure how to bring it up since i'm in possession of information that i shouldn't have.

What would be the best way to bring this up without him thinking im being jealous or nosy?? I don't really want to be in an open relationship, but I also don't want to loose him if this is something we can workout. Thanks a bunch in advance

 

[Seasoned]

People are prone to lies when asked about cheating, so if you plan to confront him you should present the information you have and how you got it. The discussion could shift to your snooping and could lead him into deeper deceit. If you can't trust him and have to spy, the relationship will make you crazy. You'll have to decide if this relationship is worth saving.

 

[rareboy]

It is over.

you both want different things and the trust is gone.

You aren't going to be able to force him to be exclusive and faithful.

He's still not ready to settle and he's still shopping around.

You are going to lose more by staying in this relationship than out of it.

Just be glad for the fun you've had and wish each other well.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Now the thing that worries me is that i've found out he is still using hookup sites and meeting other guys for sex.

People always seem to manage to "find this out".

Just tell him "I thought we were going to be exclusive. Apparently not." Then feel free to fuck him or not fuck him, as you see fit.

Lex

 

[latinheat]

i think that a confrontation is in order just make sure u go about it right cuz if he's great to you than maybe he has a good excuse but if not than leave his and never look back but first hear him out

 

[fabio112]

Just tell him "I thought we were going to be exclusive. Apparently not." Then feel free to fuck him or not fuck him, as you see fit.

This is good. However, studies have shown that there are many successful gay relationships that happen to be open relationships. You could consider that and give it a try, or if you know that's not what you want, you need to make that clear to him, and adjust your life as necessary.

 

[TX-Beau]

Why is it that people think that a making a cheating situation into an open relationship is going to solve the problem?

Cheating is a violation of trust, this guy violated the rules of his relationship, open relationship or not, cheating is a violation of trust, and if a guy is cheating on his monogamous partner, the sex isn't the problem, the violation of trust is. If he's willing to hurt you to get off, he's not placing much value on your trust.

Open relationships that work are not just like monogamous relationships with sanctioned cheating. There are always rules. Open relationships are harder than monogamous ones, and you both have to be very committed, and very honest, and have a ton of trust - or you have a few months of drama, and one of you walks away.



If this guy said he'd be monogamous, and then he cheated, you have a trust issue. That's what you have to resolve, once you've resolved the issue of whether he wants to be in this relationship or not.

Frankly, if he's playing around this early, and you haven't been dating long at all, he probably isn't taking this as seriously as you are.

You have to decide what you're willing to forgive - and remember, forgive doesn't necessarily mean stay.

Personally, I'd be pretty pissed, and probably walk. There'd have to be serious mitigating factors to get me to stay monogamous with this guy.

Finding a way to broach the subject is going to be tricky, because if you've been snooping or spying for your information, you're going to take hits for that, or he could just lie. Him cheating doesn't excuse your behavior in the slightest - and snooping and spying is also about a lack of trust. The specific thing to stick to is to keep this from becoming tit for tat, trading of "...But YOU did..."

Make a plan, figure out what you want out of your relationship, where you want to go from here, and what you want out of him - specifically, BEFORE you sit down and talk to him. Don't just go into this blind, not knowing what you want or even what you might feel.

Whatever you do, be calm, be cautious, be direct and be honest. Make it easy for him to be honest with you, with as little recrimination as possible. NO ACCUSATIONS, no matter how hard that might be to do, if you turn this into a guilt punishment/thing you won't get to the important parts.

Yes I know that's hard when he's hurt you, but making this an over the top drama will not help.

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW when I say no accusations, I mean don't say:

"...you fucking cheating asshole..."

Start with something more along the lines of:

"...It seems obvious that you and I don't understand each very well. How serious do you want me to be?..."

Or some such thing. If you put him on the defensive with vitriol, you push him further away, because he's already going to be on the defensive. You need to draw out the answers you need to make an informed choice. You need his cooperation for that.

Then you can go get drunk with all your friends and bitch about how much of a bastard he is. (grin)

 

[smltightbum25]

Thanks for all the advise guys. I've got the weekend off with him so i think that would be a great time to chat.

The plot thickens a bit though, one of my friends found my bf's profile online and started chatting with him just to see how things would do. My friend pretended he had a bf in a similar situation to the one my bf and i are in. Anyway, long story short, it came out the my bf really does have a lot of feelings for me, just that he doesnt think i put out enough, so that's why he's still looking for some on the side fun. So, should i try to work into our chat - that i know i dont putout as much as he'd maybe like, and i will totally try to make out with him more?

 

[modernaire]

this is such a mess...

if the issue was that he wasn't getting enough sex, why is it that he was so quick to tell a stranger this and not you? If you guys can't communicate openly, why are you together to begin with?

 

[G-Lexington]

The question posted by the OP is over a month old, but I'll answer anyway.

>>>So, should i try to work into our chat - that i know i dont putout as much as he'd maybe like, and i will totally try to make out with him more?

No. You had a friend "set up" your boyfriend. The trust is gone. Forget it.

Lex