Big mistake? Or the first RIGHT decision I've made?

[rayheartsmiles]

I really don't know which this is...
I got dumped by my last boyfriend on Valentine's Day. While he was going through his depression, I made a new guy friend who tried his best to make me feel better. While I was having problems with my previous boyfriend, the guy my friend (we'll call him James) had been talking to for some time ulimately decided not to pursue a relationship.
My ex broke up with me, and James and I both created a stronger friendship to support each other, which eventually led to a romantic interest. No "official" relationship developed though, but some sort of romantic relationship WAS there. We started sleeping in the same bed, wrapped in each others' arms, there were kisses, and yes, we did have sex. But like I said, it wasn't "official."
So James tells me that after spring break, he'll be willing to make it official. I figure he's doing this so he won't wind up doing something over spring break that would be considered "cheating", so I respect his request to wait.
Spring break comes and goes, and there's no mention of a relationship. He starts going to clubs more and spending less time with me in favor of his other friends, neither of which bothered me. Then he became distant.
James is one of those who keeps his frustrations hidden, and I asked him if something was wrong, but he wouldn't answer. While talking about the situation to a mutual friend, she suddenly told me that he wasn't being honest and it wasn't fair. He had told her I was becoming too clingy and he was growing irritated of me, but he wouldn't tell me, so I had no idea.
Later he confessed that this wasn't the whole truth. As it turns out, he had started seeing another guy just before spring break. The increased trips to the clubs were with the guy, and many times he had told me he was staying the night with his friends, he was with this guy. Several times, as it turned out, we were supposed to stay together but he told me he had homework or something and instead stayed with the other guy. Honestly, I doubt the other guy knows about me.
I asked him why he had lied to me, and he said that given my past relationships he knew that if there was someone else I would be hurt and he didn't want to do that, which is actually what my exes (all three) said after they cheated on me. We got into another argument, and eventually I told him that if he was willing to lie to me like that before we even got into a relationship, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to even try and pursue a relationship with him. We haven't spoken since.
Now I'm reflecting back and wondering if I was right in saying that. In all reality, since we weren't "official", he had every right to see other people. While that did hurt, the part that really upset me was his lying to cover the other guy up. I despise being lied to more than anything else, and even as he said, with my past experiences I don't want to be lied to again. So I don't know here... By telling him I don't want a realtionship, am I missing an opportunity? Or am I finally starting to make the right decisions?

 

[sdmister4]

aww, im sorry.

never been in a "good" relationship myself so i might be kinda biased..but i would avoid picking that up too cause it sounds like heartache waiting to happen, especially if he told someone that you were getting too clingy.

but try not to stay mad at him for too long because it wasnt a real relationship as you said, plus being mad keeps you focused on the hurt and not on the healing. grudges just arent worth the effort.

 

[8tomtoms8]

You definately made the right decision. He is the type that can't commit, probably to anyone. He wants to spend his time playing the field. I imagine as soon as the novelty wears off with this new guy, he'll be on to the next. I wish him luck with this lifestyle. These are the guys that one day wake up when they're 40 all alone.
I have a feeling you on the other hand will find a fellow who wants to build something together as you do. Put your energy into a guy with simular goals. The only thing worse than growing old is growing old alone.

Be well

 

[3x3is9]

I think that was a very "right" decision. Regardless of whether you were "official" or not, he was lying to you. No trust = no relationship. Good call.

 

[treanir]

Definitely a right decision on your part. Even though you two weren't official, he lied to you to get with this other guy. That should kill the trust right then&there. And without trust, there can be no relationship.

 

[rareboy]

We aren't born with 'Welcome' tattoed across our back so that others can walk all over us.

Obviously, ditching this guy was easy since he'd ditched you already.

I think your problem is that you may be pressuring guys into being in a 'relationship' when they're not fully committed emotionally. I get a sense that you may indeed be a little clingy once you think that you are attached to someone.

Why not just enjoy the moment with your bf's and give them some space. Stop worrying about something being 'official'. Life isn't like high school.

 

[backpacker]

You are only missing an opportunity for more heartbreak. Even though you guys hadn't made it official, your relationship was far beyond casual dating. He felt like he was cheating on you or he wouldn't have felt the need to hide it. The line "he said that given my past relationships he knew that if there was someone else I would be hurt and he didn't want to do that" is a bunch of BS. If that were really the case, he wouldn't have been with someone else while with you. He's trying to blame you for his bad behavior. You are much better off without him.

Now you need to ask yourself why you keep ending up with guys like this. If you don't figure that out, the pattern is probably going to continue.

 

[TX-Beau]

You didn’t have a commitment from this guy so, however crass he was, he technically didn’t cheat on you. There’s no excuse for lying and stringing someone along however, he should have just told you he was going to start seeing other people. Yeah, there’s no hope for this. You did the right thing.

That said were you being clingy? That’s a big issue for me personally also. I’ll stop seeing a guy who jumps directly to married after one date, or guys who’re like the family pet, can’t eat without you, can’t go out without you, watch you despondently every time you leave the house, and have some need to be always on top of you. People are different; there are some guys who want that. But if you got one who doesn’t, and you’re a guy who does, chances are he’s going to feel stifled and you’re going to feel neglected. You hear a whole hell of a lot about how you should just follow your feelings, but really, back here in the real world, compatibility is a huge factor in relationships that go the distance, all that Romeo crap is gonna shrink after awhile and then you’re gonna find things that get under your skin, and hopefully when you hit that point you’ll have someone who you actually love, as in committed, compatible, and a best friend, who’s willing to put in the time to make things work.

There are also guys with insecurity issues who require constant unceasing emotional support, that gets tiring fast, and the support has to go both ways or the relationship is gonna tank. Not saying that’s you, but I generally find that the more you work on being mr right yourself, the righter the mr rights who come along tend to be.

 

[KaraBulut]

Let's recap:

• You both were needing comfort and you found temporary comfort with (or in) each other.
• Neither of you made a commitment.
• He said he wanted to make a commitment.
• He has trouble verbalizing his feelings and communicating with honesty.
• Then he started seeing someone else.
• Then he lied about seeing someone else.
• The he tried to blame you for why it didn't work.

You have doubts about kicking his sorry ass to the street.

Really?

Survey says, "Good for you. Fuck him."

 

[rayheartsmiles]

Thanks for the response guys...I just needed affirmation that I wasn't making another mistake.
But the clingy thing. I DO like to spend a good deal of time with whoever I'm with, but he's the first person that's really ever made a mention of it. Like I said, he never actually told me that, just confirmed it after my friend told me. And even then I don't know if I was actually becoming clingy or if by that he meant I was cutting into his time with the other guy. I'll take it with a grain of salt, I suppose, and in the future allow more space to whoever I'm involved with just in case. But I digress.
Thanks again guys.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for the response guys...I just needed affirmation that I wasn't making another mistake.
But the clingy thing. I DO like to spend a good deal of time with whoever I'm with, but he's the first person that's really ever made a mention of it. Like I said, he never actually told me that, just confirmed it after my friend told me. And even then I don't know if I was actually becoming clingy or if by that he meant I was cutting into his time with the other guy. I'll take it with a grain of salt, I suppose, and in the future allow more space to whoever I'm involved with just in case. But I digress.
Thanks again guys.

...if I had a nickel for every time I said this...

He wouldn't have said clingy if there wasn't something to it. But that doesn't mean clingy is a bad thing, unless it's great gaping wound of emotional need kind of clingy; it's about compatibility and compromise. I've said it before - full disclosure - when you start to get serious with someone talk about this stuff, talk about monogamy, about expectations, you'll save yourself a world of hurt just by figuring out where the game changers are before you're a year into it, and he won't come home from the bars because you're in the house - and that last, that's personal experience. My second BF was all over me so much, all the time I didn't want to go home. But that's just me, there are plenty of guys out there who want that to some degree.