I don't suspect anyone to be able to answer this question for me, just to give me your 2cents or view or support on this.
Just going to start from childhood to now. hope you like reading.
Around 4-6 years old my friend and I would do what we called our "nakey dance." We would lock his door, strip and just run around enjoying the freedom. Don't really ever remember focusing on each others penis's just enjoyed being naked together running around. funny story we use to play in his basement which didn't have a bathroom so we would just pee in the closet together, one time we started peeing on each other cause one accidently crossed streams. We got into bad fight and werent friends until about I was 8 and never had same experiances again.
Around 9 years old a different friend, his cousin and I were skinny dipping and having fun. His cousin who was 13,14 or 15 at time cant really remember. Asked if wanted to lay on him naked, being adventures I took the offer. I laid on top of him for a little bit naked, didnt really feel much of any and cant remember if I was even hard*or if 9 year old could get hard by stimulus*. Not sure why, I think cause of all the news media was reporting on child molesting, caused me to feel this weight on my chest and guilty about what I did. After awhile couldn't hold in guilt and told my mom about, which you would guess turned into, calling cops see if was rape, and therapy. Therapy never really helped cause was always avoident about the subject and didnt like talking about. Was this way for awhile of trying to repress the memory and avoid it all together. Dont know why wanted to repress it whether it was cause shame for what I did, fear I was gay, or cause of all the negitivitiy influences about that stuff by media and parents.
age 15 had friend that I meet on Star Wars galaxies *mmorpg*. We talked on skype for awhile, he was really cool and a big pot head. This opened my eyes that pot smokers arnt evil people and can still have a good life, been smoking every since. 6 months later he told me he was gay and his roomate was actually his BF. He thought that I wouldnt want to be friends with him if I knew he was gay, But didnt really bother me at all. (at young age, always saw homosexulity as something they cant help, just like if you have blue eyes)He became good friend in my life because he was always someone I could talk to about highschool stuff and other emotinal feelings. Was first homosexual friend, so would always asked guestions and such about gay stuff. We were close friends up till, I lost connection with him when I was about 17. summery, gave me an idea of a non-flamming homosexual life style.(hope term flamming doesnt offend anyone)
Summer of 2009(17), kind of started having dreams of being naked with some off my best friends wasnt sure what to think of it. Still dont know what to think of it, not much a sigmen frued fan. I'm very interested in un-concscousnes, just not how he tried to see things, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar frued. Once again started thinking about gay sex and stuff.Turned out friend of a friend was gay, meet couple times was cool with this guy. One night was drinking at party was drunk and horny, drunken state figured what hell try it out tonight. Made my moves and he took bait, long story short ended up blowing him and him blowing me. He got off, I didnt but was no biggy for me, sucking a cock wasnt what I expected and felt like sucking a meaty hand thing. Felt mixed emotions, but mostly excited, wanted to wake him up and do more stuff. Next morning felt regret and guilt, one that used him, two that he would tell peole cause he has alcholic issues, and three apperently some people noticed that was acting strange towards him. Rumor went around at school that i fucked him, but didn't grow just cause had mutliple girl friends, blunt class clown and one grades biggest pot head*mostly dew to others dropping out :X.
No idea if he told my friends, cause he did end up being room mates for one my best friends for awhile, and always kind of regreted. He later asked me if I remembered anything from that night I lied saying no, that I blacked out shortly after jumping out a tree. Dont think he blieved it and felt bad for lying but couldn't risk him telling people that I was well aware of what happenn. Also turned out he has some psychodic problems and on medication and had problems with dealing with being gay. If knew this at that time, I would of never tried what I did. Guess should of said this before, but I was laying down in another room when he came up and started messaging me. as he gradually slid his hand down my pants to my rock hard cock, I told him this was a one night thing, that im not homosexual, dont have feelings for him and never will. Also note that kind of ruin friendship, still hanged up with him but there always that awkwardness.
Currently still day dream and fanticies about having gay sex and what it will feel like to be fucked. have experimented with house hold items up my tight virgin hole which makes me orgasma like no other. Get rock hard thinking about gay sex*even hard right now
* more so then I do thinking sex with a girl. Also get really turned on by gay anime and gay anime furry porn *I know weird fetish*. Even think I will be more happy having a gay partner/BF then I would be with a women. Though I'm not attracted to guys, not like I am towards girls. Also have had couple GF in past, some went better with others. Have had sex with one girl before bunch of times, though never really enjoyed that much. Felt great but nothing special really, and always had anxiety about getting her preggo or how im performing. When first started out always had problems getting hard not sure cause nervs or what, then had prlbems lasting long and have a un-satsfied finish. Vaginas are ok, though look better in picture then in RL, and really nasty if hairy, ones im used too all smell funky, and eatting chick out is tiring and from what I experiend taste nasty. Think a cock is lot hotter then a pussy. Would suck a cock*would also shallow sweet cum, not sure why girls dont like it* any day over eatting chick out. For attraction part im just not sure if its there and just dont recgonize it cause of media influences,repressed memories, denial or cause this is still kind of new for me *year and half*. Kind how like most young kids dont see girls attractive *if heterosexual* until they get older. Currently 18 years old and in college.
Just wanted to know what you guys think of this, at the moment im pretty confused what to think. I feel would want to have a relationship with a guy before trying anal, to avoid what happen with one friend.But hard meeting guys my age, while still being in closet and still confused about this. Also scared and confused about whole closet deal, dont want to come out until im sure, but even if I am sure still be very hard and scard. Friends are mostly pot heads and /B/tards, live in very small town, so whole town will know and scared might cause business problems with my dad. Conservative town, dad will probably understand but know he be disappointed though. Also atm really depressed and have bad social anxiety so coming out isn't even option atm. Cozy right now in my closet that I dont even know if belong in or not.
Hope it wasnt to hard of a reading and easy to understand. would be very greatful for any advice. Or your stories or any time of response to know im not alone.
Just going to start from childhood to now. hope you like reading.
Around 4-6 years old my friend and I would do what we called our "nakey dance." We would lock his door, strip and just run around enjoying the freedom. Don't really ever remember focusing on each others penis's just enjoyed being naked together running around. funny story we use to play in his basement which didn't have a bathroom so we would just pee in the closet together, one time we started peeing on each other cause one accidently crossed streams. We got into bad fight and werent friends until about I was 8 and never had same experiances again.
Around 9 years old a different friend, his cousin and I were skinny dipping and having fun. His cousin who was 13,14 or 15 at time cant really remember. Asked if wanted to lay on him naked, being adventures I took the offer. I laid on top of him for a little bit naked, didnt really feel much of any and cant remember if I was even hard*or if 9 year old could get hard by stimulus*. Not sure why, I think cause of all the news media was reporting on child molesting, caused me to feel this weight on my chest and guilty about what I did. After awhile couldn't hold in guilt and told my mom about, which you would guess turned into, calling cops see if was rape, and therapy. Therapy never really helped cause was always avoident about the subject and didnt like talking about. Was this way for awhile of trying to repress the memory and avoid it all together. Dont know why wanted to repress it whether it was cause shame for what I did, fear I was gay, or cause of all the negitivitiy influences about that stuff by media and parents.
age 15 had friend that I meet on Star Wars galaxies *mmorpg*. We talked on skype for awhile, he was really cool and a big pot head. This opened my eyes that pot smokers arnt evil people and can still have a good life, been smoking every since. 6 months later he told me he was gay and his roomate was actually his BF. He thought that I wouldnt want to be friends with him if I knew he was gay, But didnt really bother me at all. (at young age, always saw homosexulity as something they cant help, just like if you have blue eyes)He became good friend in my life because he was always someone I could talk to about highschool stuff and other emotinal feelings. Was first homosexual friend, so would always asked guestions and such about gay stuff. We were close friends up till, I lost connection with him when I was about 17. summery, gave me an idea of a non-flamming homosexual life style.(hope term flamming doesnt offend anyone)
Summer of 2009(17), kind of started having dreams of being naked with some off my best friends wasnt sure what to think of it. Still dont know what to think of it, not much a sigmen frued fan. I'm very interested in un-concscousnes, just not how he tried to see things, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar frued. Once again started thinking about gay sex and stuff.Turned out friend of a friend was gay, meet couple times was cool with this guy. One night was drinking at party was drunk and horny, drunken state figured what hell try it out tonight. Made my moves and he took bait, long story short ended up blowing him and him blowing me. He got off, I didnt but was no biggy for me, sucking a cock wasnt what I expected and felt like sucking a meaty hand thing. Felt mixed emotions, but mostly excited, wanted to wake him up and do more stuff. Next morning felt regret and guilt, one that used him, two that he would tell peole cause he has alcholic issues, and three apperently some people noticed that was acting strange towards him. Rumor went around at school that i fucked him, but didn't grow just cause had mutliple girl friends, blunt class clown and one grades biggest pot head*mostly dew to others dropping out :X.
No idea if he told my friends, cause he did end up being room mates for one my best friends for awhile, and always kind of regreted. He later asked me if I remembered anything from that night I lied saying no, that I blacked out shortly after jumping out a tree. Dont think he blieved it and felt bad for lying but couldn't risk him telling people that I was well aware of what happenn. Also turned out he has some psychodic problems and on medication and had problems with dealing with being gay. If knew this at that time, I would of never tried what I did. Guess should of said this before, but I was laying down in another room when he came up and started messaging me. as he gradually slid his hand down my pants to my rock hard cock, I told him this was a one night thing, that im not homosexual, dont have feelings for him and never will. Also note that kind of ruin friendship, still hanged up with him but there always that awkwardness.
Currently still day dream and fanticies about having gay sex and what it will feel like to be fucked. have experimented with house hold items up my tight virgin hole which makes me orgasma like no other. Get rock hard thinking about gay sex*even hard right now
* more so then I do thinking sex with a girl. Also get really turned on by gay anime and gay anime furry porn *I know weird fetish*. Even think I will be more happy having a gay partner/BF then I would be with a women. Though I'm not attracted to guys, not like I am towards girls. Also have had couple GF in past, some went better with others. Have had sex with one girl before bunch of times, though never really enjoyed that much. Felt great but nothing special really, and always had anxiety about getting her preggo or how im performing. When first started out always had problems getting hard not sure cause nervs or what, then had prlbems lasting long and have a un-satsfied finish. Vaginas are ok, though look better in picture then in RL, and really nasty if hairy, ones im used too all smell funky, and eatting chick out is tiring and from what I experiend taste nasty. Think a cock is lot hotter then a pussy. Would suck a cock*would also shallow sweet cum, not sure why girls dont like it* any day over eatting chick out. For attraction part im just not sure if its there and just dont recgonize it cause of media influences,repressed memories, denial or cause this is still kind of new for me *year and half*. Kind how like most young kids dont see girls attractive *if heterosexual* until they get older. Currently 18 years old and in college. Just wanted to know what you guys think of this, at the moment im pretty confused what to think. I feel would want to have a relationship with a guy before trying anal, to avoid what happen with one friend.But hard meeting guys my age, while still being in closet and still confused about this. Also scared and confused about whole closet deal, dont want to come out until im sure, but even if I am sure still be very hard and scard. Friends are mostly pot heads and /B/tards, live in very small town, so whole town will know and scared might cause business problems with my dad. Conservative town, dad will probably understand but know he be disappointed though. Also atm really depressed and have bad social anxiety so coming out isn't even option atm. Cozy right now in my closet that I dont even know if belong in or not.
Hope it wasnt to hard of a reading and easy to understand. would be very greatful for any advice. Or your stories or any time of response to know im not alone.
