Blind to not read 3some signs and feeling awful...

[2002Hugh]

Out at the weekend with boyfriend and other friends, went from bars to a club and then on to another friends house me, boyfriend and a friend of our friend. We were drunk and had done some coke (rare/occasional user). We stayed up talking for a good while and had more drinks etc. The conversation was varied but I remember us talking about relationships, mens sexual health, and where we were going to sleep - my boyfriend suggested that we sleep in the king bed with our mutual friend and his friend as there was lots of room. I was in the middle with my boyfriend we were cuddling and had 1 guy on each side of us. I put my hand on my boyfriends cock and gave it a playful squeeze before I went to sleep and he joked and said everyone stay in their own section. I drifted to sleep and then awoke a few minutes later and put my hand back round my boyfriends waist and felt the guy in front of him was touching my boyfriends cock and it was out of his shorts. I was so angry I threw the duvet off of us all and said I cant handle this, I exclaimed that I knew that this guy had been touching him and I was a little hysterical and ran upstairs to the couch. My boyfriend kinda played dumb, said dont be stupid and told me to get back in bed, then he followed me upstairs. I asked him what he thought he was doing, he said he thought it was me touching him and I slapped him in rage and said it was obvious it was not me. He went on to say he was not even hard because of the drugs and alcohol - I said this was no excuse. We continued to discuss this, I was upset, confused, emotionally up and down trying not to cry, jealous, felt unloved.

(The history between us sexually is that we have good sex but it tends to always be on his terms, normally in the middle of the night when he is horny he wakes me up and we fuck for a bit with no foreplay - I have started to find this un-romantic of late and have been desiring more of a passionate - kissing - ripping your clothes off when we get in type sex).

Anyway back to the incident in question - we had a deep conversation and he said he did love me, had never cheated on me even though had plenty of opportunity, thought I was hot and his friends thought i was the best thing that happened to him... I ran my mouth a bit saying did he not find me attractive any more? Asked him if we were happy as a couple, I told him if he wanted to have a relationship like his house mates (they have an open relationship) then im not the man.

We stayed on the couch for the remainder of the night, woke up and I asked him to get my clothes from the bedroom and we left, we said a few things to each other on the way to the station and each went our own way. I had a bit of sleep and reflected on the night. I came to the conclusion I over-reacted probably due to the coke and booze, I saw him in the afternoon we met up and went to a friends house, on the way I apologised for hitting him and said I over reacted a bit. I probed as it was bothering me if he fancied the guy in question, to which he said he was 'alright' which was fine for me. I said we should speak about anything we felt awkward about before we went to bed that night to clear the air - he said that we were fine and it was over (he doesn't like to talk about his feelings) I said to him 'So you are sorry and you feel bad'? He said yeah that's right.

Here's the thing....I am feeling a bit heartbroken and confused. The more I look back at the night there was so much suggestion and innuendo that I missed at the time. I think subliminally my boyfriend even asked me at some point what I thought of threesomes, to which I replied maybe one day, when we were talking about mens health - my boyfriend asked the others if they had a clean bill of health, there was more than one suggestion by my boyfriend we all stayed in the big bed, now its playing on my mind that maybe when he went outside to smoke with the other guy they were planning for us all to fool around. I feel stupid for not seeing the signs and adding them up at the time - I even said to him that I said I would try a 3some to keep him happy but Im not sure what I meant. I guess I just didn't plan on feeling so sick and jealous seeing someone else touch my man's dick. Am I over-reacting? and should I have just let it go at the weekend and not be thinking about it now? My unanswered questions to him are - Were you planning this all night or did it just happen? Is this something you have a desire to try again? I dont know whether I should let it go and get on with things or try to get these questions answered. I think I want him to say without being prompted that he is sorry im feeling like I am as well.

Anyone out there want to add in on this one.......Or experienced similar?

 

[aneal_lingus]

I think you're right about those warning signs. I went through the same in my first semi-serious relationship. We were out together with new people and I noticed he'd comment on one guy and drop hints at threesomes. First time I was like 'lol, whatever', but he kept bringing it up so I started listening closer.
I decided I was young and that it might be fun. Well, it wasn't. We get a little tipsy (my bf more than me). The guys, yes plural, were sober and younger so they were a little scary. It was two of them (long story). But we spent about 1-2hrs trying to get them in the mood...nothing.
Finally I see my bf kiss the guy on the neck, then i completely sobered up and decided i was done. I had one hell of a time trying to kick the guys out since now all of a sudden they were horny. They even tried to jerk me off in the car.
That jealousy got to me and I realized we weren't ready to do that as a couple. As friends, yea we woulda fucked the shit out of those two and it woulda been fun. But since we had a different "understanding" of the relationship, it didn't work out that way. I blame myself mostly, I shouldn't have cared as much as I did because I DID know better. I was stupid & young.

(lol, was only a year ago, but baby grows up so fast)

 

[Seasoned]

You have a lot of issues going on for yourself and for your relationship. Alcohol, drugs and sex are all addictive. If either of you is addicted to any of them your relationship becomes dysfunctional.

It sounds like you are not entirely happy with your bf. You would like to be able to talk with him about feelings. You try to control him. You were violent with him. These are serious signs of problems.

Co-dependency isn't pretty. Check out Al-anon on line and see if you would benefit from attending. Even if your relationship ends you are set up to keep finding the same type of guy over and over.

No matter how justified you think you are violence is not acceptable in a relationship and is, in fact, illegal.

 

[Lube]

(The history between us sexually is that we have good sex but it tends to always be on his terms, normally in the middle of the night when he is horny he wakes me up and we fuck for a bit with no foreplay - I have started to find this un-romantic of late and have been desiring more of a passionate - kissing - ripping your clothes off when we get in type sex).

While that can be really hot as an occasional surprise, for someone who is apparently interested in monogamy, that does not sound like a balanced, loving relationship--certainly not on your part.

I think this was a wakeup call for your relationship--or what's left of it. It's time to move on.

 

[TX-Beau]

How old are the two of you?

This is one of those situations where the advice is going to differ if you’re 20 or 40. If you’re both really young, I’d say that neither of you really have figured out what a relationship is, what you want out of one, or how to communicate that.

If you’re both older, his actions look a lot more manipulative, and yours look a lot more unbalanced.

Now I’m not a prude, I’ve done the party thing, and I don’t immediately jump to the conclusion that someone is an addict just because they do a little blow now and then. After all, no one in here would bat an eyelash at guys going out for drinks on the weekend. What’s the difference? One is legal and traditional, one is demonized and illegal. But you have to accept that even if you’re high or drunk; hitting someone is way over the line no matter what he’s done.

If you slapped me, in any context, I’d be out the door. He’s a lot more forgiving than I am, I wouldn’t have just accepted an apology, because there’s a serious trust violation involved when someone gets violent. I consider it worse than cheating.

Next issue, you sound like you’re insecure about him and your relationship, that’s a bad sign. That’s a problem. Sometimes you find a guy you really like, but he’s totally incompatible with what you want out of a relationship, or he’s no where near where you are in terms of ability to make commitments. It sucks, but crucifying yourself trying to force a square peg into a round hole isn’t going to make anyone happy, it’s going to make you a jealous drama manufactory, and him a cheating bastard.

If he wants to play around – preferably with you, in an open relationship – which is exactly what you don’t want; this situation is doomed one way or another. Like I said above, if you’re both young, wanting to play the field is pretty standard and understandable, and it may be that you need to let him go do that until he’s ready for something more serious. If you try to force him into feeling guilty about that, or making ultimatums and rules for him to follow, you’re going to lose him.

Sucks I know, but if he’s not there yet, he’s not. It’s probably one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my own life. You can’t push someone into commitment, they have to go there voluntarily, they also have to be operating under the same definition of that, that you are. They also have to be self aware enough to realize what a commitment means - in real life terms, not fairy tales - and be willing to go there.

You want him to volunteer to say all these to you to soothe your insecurity, and your jealousy, but Sugar, that’s pretty much just setting yourself up for unhappiness. You’re making tests in your head for him to pass or fail, that’s not a very mature approach. You need to sit down, calmly, and rationally, and explain what you want from your relationship, don’t accuse, don’t expect a response, don't make it about him, definitely don’t set up scenarios where he has to respond one way or another or you’re going to hold that against him in your head.

He’s a guy, not Miss Cleo, and you don’t do yourself any favors by expecting him to read your mind.

People almost never know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling unless you communicate. That goes both ways. He needs to be willing to return the favor, and if he can't or won't, you've got a problem you can't solve, and you'll have to decide to live with it or not.

FYI, I’m not going into his motives and whether he’s a bastard or not, because we only have your opinion on the situation, we don’t know what he has to say for himself. I’m not saying there is any fault here on any side.

This is just another one of life’s situations. If you meet it in a mature and rational manner, no matter the outcome you’ll learn from it.

 

[TX-Beau]

I pulled this out separate because I wanted to really emphasize this point. Open relationships are NOT just like monogamous ones with sanctioned cheating. Open relationships that work take more trust, more self esteem, more rules usually, and more maturity.

They are harder than monogamous relationships. Don’t go there if you are at all insecure about yourself, or your relationship. Most definitely don’t go there because you’re afraid you’re going to lose him if you don’t. Both parties in an open relationship have to be extremely committed to the relationship or it just doesn’t work.

Not that I'm saying you would go there, but it's already come up between the two of you, and you really need to take even the thought of this as a possible option off the table.

 

[2002Hugh]

Some interesting points raised from all contributors, thank you. I am 28 my boyf is 33. After a few night sleep and some careful consideration I have decided that we need to talk and I need to say to him how I feel, I will not give leading questions nor will I probe for answers I want to hear. I am simply going to say my piece and if he chooses to share then I will listen, but if not then thats fine as well. TX BEAU your last point was perfect I will ensure that I base our conversation on my expectations for the future so we both know where we stand. It could have been a wake up call for me, but I think it has made me realise my love for him and we gotta fight for it. SOREKNEES I can see how this may look, me being violent has never happened before and it was a heat of the moment thing so it is not something that is likely to happen again, and im in full agreement that obsessive or addictive traits are not useful to a relationship and neither of us have these tendencies so I believe this not to be a problem.