Blocking the gay thoughts

[bottomboywyo]

OK, so I just finished college and I have a problem. I grew up in a rural town and I came out in 8th grade. Of course coming out is never an easy feat for anyone, especially a middle schooler. Needless to say I received a bunch of ridicule. The news I was gay spread like wildfire.





Eventually people at my youth group and church started to talk about it. My parents being the fundamentalist Christians they are, got involved. (to clear their name or to legitimately help out; it doesn't matter). They sent me to Focus on the Family counseling to 'fix' me. We spent years and years (the past 10) fighting about sexuality 'being my choice'. Which it isn't. My parents spend so much money and effort to change a piece of me really hurt. I tried to block the gay thoughts because I really wanted to give my best try, and not let my parents down. So I conditioned myself to shut down when I start to think about guys.


I am very masculine and did sports in high school. I've always been known as the 'cool gay guy'. I never hid my sexuality from my peers. And despite the fact that I tell people what the REAL USE for a jock strap is , I could hang with the guys. And they all loved me. I didn't want to make my friends uncomfortable so whenever I would start getting feelings for my friends... I would block those thoughts completely out of my mind. I just let my mind shut off.


Now. I'm an adult and I realized I can't fantasize. I try being overly sexual to compensate, but the truth is - I can't enjoy the thought of gay sex. I have spent so many years shutting down any feelings I have for guys. And trying to be a good boy and not lust over men. I did a pretty good job even with the flood of teenage hormones. I can't seem to let my mind roam free unless I'm under the influence of drugs or alcohol.


I was just wondering if any of you guys have had this problem or something similar. Although I empathize for you it would be nice to know I'm not alone.


And if you have overcome this issue what you did to live a life with a healthy libido? How people deal with their sexuality and religious/societal contradictions and pressures?

Now that I have graduated college it's time to not use drugs and alcohol as a scapegoat.

 

[aaggii]

You are NOT the only one, be sure of it.

First of all, this will hurt because they are your parents, but they are a couple of idiots. I hope that now since you graduated college, maybe you will find a job - if you don´t have one already - and move at your own place with your own rules.

You said it yourself, you KNOW it isn´t your choice. You need to have a serious talk with your mom and dad and let them know how much your suffered and suffer from what they´ve done to you for a decade!

Your profile says you are partnered. Are you having problems when you´re with your partner (assuming he is a male)? You don´t HAVE to block your thoughts about gay stuff. Your parents and every group that fought against your way of being did some serious damage since now you still suffer from it and the ideas planted in your brain won´t allow you to have the normal life you deserve.

Do you feel this way when you watch gay porn? Have you tried to go to a gay club - for example - and make friends? It could help to be around gay people to see that nothing is wrong about it. You know the theory but your brain won´t let you accept it as normal.

Sadly, this type of stuff requires professional treatment, so you might want to talk with a therapist about it.

 

[bottomboywyo]

Thanks so much for the response. I will take all you have said into consideration. I know that my parents are wrong in trying to change me. But they are my parents after all so it can be difficult to just ignore what they think. I guess what I will start having to do is realize that they're not in control of my life! I AM a grown MAN, not a little boy under their control.

I think that I just need support from other LGBT members. I am going to try to do that as my next step.


So what if I am different the world thrives on differences, that helps us advance onto better things.


Watch gay porn is the only real things that gets me off. While doing stuff with my partner helps it doesn't quite always 'get me off'. I just can't get into it sometimes. Which is a bummer.

 

[aaggii]

Watch gay porn is the only real things that gets me off. While doing stuff with my partner helps it doesn't quite always 'get me off'. I just can't get into it sometimes. Which is a bummer.

This makes me think it´s not so much blocking the gay thoughts, but feeling bad or ashamed when doing it. It´s most probably a consequence of all the years they´ve been told you that gay sex is a sin. Like I said, if the problem persists and stops you from having the life you want, seek professional help!

 

[KaraBulut]

Now. I'm an adult and I realized I can't fantasize. I try being overly sexual to compensate, but the truth is - I can't enjoy the thought of gay sex. I have spent so many years shutting down any feelings I have for guys. And trying to be a good boy and not lust over men. I did a pretty good job even with the flood of teenage hormones. I can't seem to let my mind roam free unless I'm under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Now that I have graduated college it's time to not use drugs and alcohol as a scapegoat.

Thanks so much for the response. I will take all you have said into consideration. I know that my parents are wrong in trying to change me. But they are my parents after all so it can be difficult to just ignore what they think. I guess what I will start having to do is realize that they're not in control of my life! I AM a grown MAN, not a little boy under their control.

Based upon the bolded sections, you have the insight needed to take on your issues. If you read through the support forums, you'll see that the biggest battle gay men fight is the battle with their own homophobia- so you are certainly not alone, even if your history with your parents and FOTF has amplified that homophobia.

You're at the point where you need to seek professional help. You can't change your past but you can change your future by working with a therapist to put this behind you, to work through your own homophobia and to address the ways that you have been struggling with your own feelings. You have all the pieces and parts and the tools you need... working with a good therapist will help you figure out how to use those tools to put it all together.

 

[bankside]

Your parents took something private and natural and fun, and turned it into the topic of 10 year family bullshit festival.

It takes a very brave man to face down all that stupidity and manipulation. Even braver for a kid who just is who he is, and tells the truth about it.

You had to make an effort to clamp down on this part of your life. It will take a bit more effort to let the spark roar back. But you're still young and I think you will be fine. You already figured out you can't drink freedom out of a bottle, that's only an illusion.

I didn't have the crazy fundamentalist parents, but I still had to come back from their bullshit. I wanted so badly not to be considered a freak by my parents that I was about to get engaged to a woman before I came to my senses. I was 12 the first time I realized a guy could be hot. I was curious about sexuality before that, and horny sometimes, but only overall as a general concept. But then one day when I was twelve, it was like flipping a switch on. I knew exactly what it was to think someone was hot, and it was a very specific guy in one of my classes. That was the day I went into the closet. I could never let that feeling out. I tried just waiting it out to see if it would go away, but it never did. In a way, the closet protected me from all that family bullshit, because they just didn't know. But I really had to shut down who I was and control every thought, and it worked, so I know what that's like. All that time I was my own fundamentalist parent, lecturing myself on what I had to do to be "normal" and ignoring the real world of my peers going on around me.

It took 10 years from the time I went into the closet before I came out, and maybe another 10 years of improvement before it was a distant memory that I have to think hard about before I can tell my history like this. I definitely feel my life is back to where it should be. My guy and I have been together 16 years. We still have a great sex life, actually better than ever.

A lot of this will just get better with time as you push your life back to where you want it to be. It's just a matter of time. There is stuff you can do though. I think you should pick a happy memory of a hot guy from your past that you shut down, either to please your parents or to stop him from freaking out if he found out. Then you should let yourself imagine where it could have gone. You don't have to act on it obviously. You don't even have to jack off thinking about it if you don't want to. But pick a real person you once thought about and give yourself the freedom to imagine doing what you wanted to do next. Let yourself think about that story for a few weeks.

As far as your real-life sex life, you already know that faking being some oversexed dude isn't doing it for you and isn't really compensating for anything. Ease back on that and just let yourself act on it when you want to, not when you think you need to prove a point.

In a way you just have to let your libido do its job instead of trying to play the part or be on schedule or something. You'll fuck when you're ready, and naturally and openly horny, and with nothing to prove any more, and then I don't think you'll feel like you've missed out.

 

[TX-Beau]

Ahhh yes, our favorite culprit - internalized homophobia. Which is what is stopping you from enjoying a nice cock.

I was raised Southern Baptist, and they fuck with your head. You don't even have to really believe that shit for it to fuck with your head.

I went through denial and lying and years of substance abuse, I pushed away friends and family, and got drunk and fucked women. I wasn't really a faggot, just a guy who had this "private" quirk. I was a manly man who got drunk and shot things, I got drunk and got into fights, I got drunk and was a complete asshole, no faggots here.

It wasn't pretty. So how do you get through that. You have to change the way you define "gay" and what it means about your masculinity. You sound like you're still in the "real men aren't faggots," place. OK Most of us have been there, you've just got to keep telling yourself that that stereotype was invented by haters to FUCK with you, it should piss you off that you have to deal with this shit in the first place.

Being a man has nothing to do with WHO you fuck, it has to do with HOW you treat people, and yourself, you need to forgive yourself for being gay.

Just keep telling yourself that, that there is nothing wrong with being a gay man, over and over, until you believe it. It takes time, but you're not exactly on an unknown path, and a whole lot of us have walked it before you. You're not alone, your not abnormal.

If your family is that horrible, the first step is limiting your exposure to them.

 

[Seasoned]

You were/are a victim of aversion therapy. It may take a good sex therapist to help reverse that.