Both Confused

[okinetic]

Dear all,

I'm 25, and have a girlfriend for 2nd year now.. So far, i've been straight but slowly changing to like guys... Recently i travelled with a guy collegue of mine for work reasons.

We slept in a same room with 2 single beds. During the first night, he suddenly asked me am i asleep and ask me all sorts of questions regarding his life & relationship.

At first everything seems ok, just normal man talk. But during the second night, same thing happened. It seems both of us just want to share our stories/problems together. We can chat for 3-4hours just lying on the bed.

When the 2nd night, same thing again. This time i went to his bed and sleep together. I just told him i'm more comfortable this way to talk. And i hugged him. He said he's very comfortable and feel nothing wrong too.. I told him as long as we don't have any sex, it would be fine right.. (thats what i'm thinking - and i never had any sex with guys.)

During the 3rd night, we just keep on chatting.. sharing whats in our life.. Im really comfortable to talk to him.. That night, he came over my bed, he hugged me, then i jokingly told him if i am gay, i will touch his dick. He reacted strongly and told me never ever touch a "straight" dick.

I am really confused. If he is not gay, why he willing to do all these? I have alot of straight friends, but none of them willing to give a guy a hug for whole night.

We talked about it and he adviced me back to straight. Go out and date more girls to fix it. But he keep mentioning he is straight, but what do you think?

During the last night (4th), i went to his bed and sleep again.. This time i hugged him so close that my private part pressed on him.. my leg touched on his private part too.. I felt the warmth from it... and I actually quite like the feeling... And this time, he seems didn react on anything, we just keep chatting away...

Now im back to my country and everynight i been thinking about him more than my girlfriend. I can't really focus my work...

Just now we had our dinner together with many friends, i asked him tomorrow is he available for lunch? He rejected but told me since we staying so near, we can come out for dinner during future....

I'm confused because he is a guy who been known to flirt with alot of girls...

My questions:-

1/ Is he a gay? (He have a girlfriend too)
2/ Im confused. What your advice to me? I need get back on focus.
3/ If he not into gay, but why he come and hug me, and willing to let me hug him for 4-5 nights.

I just don't get it. I always ask him, is he comfortable with it; he said "its okay"..actually during the fourth day morning, i told him tonight onwards please dont get close again as i really afraid things will get deeper between us... But he said we actually is nothing, and its really fine to let our emotions out sometimes.. (It seems to me like he rejected being gay, and at the same time, telling me ITS OKAY)


What should i really do now?

Some of the above descriptions might sound funny, because my english not really that good. But hope you understand it!

Thanks.

 

[3nipples]

You've awakened to the possibility of having sex with a guy and it's only natural that you would fantasize about this guy. My advice, however, is to not mess with a colleague. It has the potential to turn bad. Real bad.

Better to find someone outside of work to experiment with.

 

[racer2438]

You've awakened to the possibility of having sex with a guy and it's only natural that you would fantasize about this guy. My advice, however, is to not mess with a colleague. It has the potential to turn bad. Real bad.

Better to find someone outside of work to experiment with.

^^^^^
Well said, feel someone else, I sence trouble here.

 

[trikky]

Also this guy had the perfect opportunity to mess around with you IF HE WANTED TO. The fact that he didn't means that it is unlikely to go anywhere and if you want to explore that side of yourself then it is best done elsewhere.

 

[KaraBulut]

1/ Is he a gay? (He have a girlfriend too)

He said he is straight. Take his word for it.

3/ If he not into gay, but why he come and hug me, and willing to let me hug him for 4-5 nights.

You know the customs in your country better than we. Do men in your country show affection in this way? Do men in your country sleep in the same bed?

In the US, if you would have asked this question 20 years ago, we would have said that he was probably gay or bi because men didn't sleep in the same bed or cuddle if they were straight. Apparently, that has changed judging from the posts we see on the forums.

2/ Im confused. What your advice to me? I need get back on focus.

See 3nipples' post. He's your coworker and he is off-limits.

You can only be responsible for your feelings and your behavior. Since this relationship and the things that you are doing with your co-worker seem to be stirring up feelings in you, it would be wise to avoid the situation in the future and end this relationship. It has crossed the boundary of what is acceptable behavior with people you work with.

 

[okinetic]

Many thanks for the advices. Actually i'm very confused with myself and what he wants. Its like he seems to be gay, and me too. Thats why i told him during the 2nd night that maybe we are together this close(while cuddling) is because of the timing.

Just more details to add:-

My gf & me actually had a "cooling" period on last Christmas. I told this guy about it. The first night we cuddled, he asked me am i gay, and i told him i am not, and i'm not into any sex. Just want to hug him. He said its fine.

Then, I even showed him photo of me and my gf.

Weird thing is, when tomorrow i asked him why things happened like yesterday (why we cuddled - when we both are straight, and it just weird), he seems to avoid it. He told me to forget it.

Last time, before we went for this travel, he told me he actually was a gay for a short period of time, and force himself dating many girls.

For me, he seems like denying himself... before all this happened, he actually asked me to go a gay bar and "experience" gay lifestyle, during that time, i'm straight and i told him its possible but i will only go with my GF.

 

[Lube]

Oh, c'mon, people!

Hey, buddy: you and your friend are both gay. He's in denial. You are growing to accept it.

You are much more a man than he is. Congrats for facing up to it!

But he sounds like a lot of trouble. Avoid him and find another nice guy.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

Lube's advice always makes my day.

 

[Lube]

Lube's advice always makes my day.

I've danced around the elephant in the room for decades.

I am so over that.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

Elephants aren't cool, they sit on the couch and compress the springs.

 

[Haasman]

Take 3nipples advice. The same happened to me. We would cuddle on the couch during football games and naps, even in front of his friends and girlfriend at times.

Some straight guys are just comfortable with their sexuality like that.

Don't hit on him or ask him if he is gay or anything like that. Enjoy the moments while they last. If he comes on to you, then that's a differ story.

goodluck

 

[trikky]

a gay guy in denial to himself is as good as straight because until he faces up to the fact he isn't going anywhere with anyone, so for all intents and purposes he's "straight"

 

[Lube]

a gay guy in denial to himself is as good as straight because until he faces up to the fact he isn't going anywhere with anyone, so for all intents and purposes he's "straight"

I couldn't agree more.

Take 3nipples advice. The same happened to me. We would cuddle on the couch during football games and naps, even in front of his friends and girlfriend at times.

Some straight guys are just comfortable with their sexuality like that.

Sorry, not in a million years will I ever believe that straight guys are comfortable enough in their sexuality to cuddle a gay guy. Just ain't gonna happen. He's in denial. (But see quote above)

 

[Eagle653]

Oh, c'mon, people!

Hey, buddy: you and your friend are both gay. He's in denial. You are growing to accept it.

You are much more a man than he is. Congrats for facing up to it!

But he sounds like a lot of trouble. Avoid him and find another nice guy.

Hit the nail on the head on all aspects.

 

[thewiz]

Your co-worker is gay. You don't go from "gay" to "straight" just because you are dating girls. Trust me -- I tried it for 19 years and got to the point of wanting to die before I finally admitted I was gay; I have never been happier.

Your friend is in denial; you can't make him come out and I wouldn't recommend forcing anyone out if they choose to not be honest with themselves.

Like others have said, I would find someone else because it sounds like you are coming to a comfortable place with yourself.

Also, having sex with co-workers can only lead to trouble; accusations, harrassment complaints, spurned loves....

 

[okinetic]

Dear all,

Thanks for all the replies. We just have a small talk over, and agreed to stay away from it any longer, and not mention it anymore. The best way is still get back to our girlfriends... Nothing had happened, so; stop it is the best way here. Although we do agreed can have dinner, but no more cuddling.

Although now i still wondering; is he gay?

 

[KaraBulut]

Although now i still wondering; is he gay?

The answer doesn't matter. He's your coworker.

And until he's willing to admit it to himself, it doesn't change anything.

And the same is true of you. At this point, you should be focusing your attention more on trying to figure your own sexuality out instead of wasting time and energy on anyone else's sexuality.

 

[Lube]

What Kara said.

P.S.--But, yeah, he's gay. He just won't admit it to himself. But leave him alone.

 

[TX-Beau]

1. You are in a relationship and have made commitments to her. You owe her the truth. You owe her your loyalty, you owe her your respect. Trying to put the make om some guy is neither honest, loyal, or respectful. If you want a guy, let her go find one who wants her. If you want her, and can give her what she deserves, don't go looking for a "connection," with anyone else.

2. He told you he's straight, you are in the closet, do you see this going anywhere? Even if you "Knew" about him for certain? It doesn't matter if he's straight or gay, it only matters that he told you NO. Respect it. If you're his friend you will respect his position and his person.

3. You only have your perspective to go on. You could be imagining things. You have no Idea what he was thinking, what he was reacting to, or even if you interpreted his silence correctly, or how much of this is just you really wanting him to be interested. His avoidance of the subject means he wants to forget it, straight or closet gay - that's your answer. Respect it. You have no right to make your issue his.

4. You work with him - so not a good idea.

 

[okinetic]

Dear all,

1. I've already told my gf about it. She said maybe i'm too lonely and need some companion since nothing mushy stuff happened.. so its fine.

2. I'm working freelance on his company. So i dont really worry about collegue matters.

3. Yes, i should respect his decision no matter what, but i kinda miss him sometimes...

4. I feel the barrier between us is lesser than me with my gf. Its kind of weird, but i do feel this way. Straight or gay, now i have already accepted, no matter what, as long as im happy... I mean, i still happy be with my girlfriend, but sometimes with that guy, kind of happy too... Maybe we just shouldn't sleep and get close too often. Thats what he agreed as well.