Bottoming as self harming?

[garylin]

I think I'm using other guys dicks as a way to rape and punish myself. I derive no pleasure from anal and almost dissassicoiate during the act because it so repulsive to me that this man is enjoying himself while I'm couldn't be more uncomfortable and in pain, and yet I keep seeking it. and actively seeking it with men I know will hurt me emotionally as well, with losers that are way below my league and make me feel ashamed and degraded just by letting them get on top of me and yet I specifically seek encounters with those type of men and that shame. Its like a form of cutting but without leaving scars . Maybe I'm wrong maybe I want love and I'm looking for it the wrong way or maybe I actually do want this pain? Am I a misguided romantic or a masochist? Anyone else do this ? I know shame and pain are fetishes but I don't enjoy them yet I seek them even maybe need them?

To be clear none of these men do or say anything degrading to me ( if they did I'd punch them) besides being distance/unavailable

 

[SeaCore]

It probably wouldn't be accurate to call yourself a masochist. If you're not getting pleasure from the pain then it really doesn't describe that concept.

Um, so have you ever had sex where you did not dissociate? If so, what was that like?

And what about before the encounter? What are your thoughts and feelings leading up to it?

 

[KaraBulut]

I think I'm using other guys dicks as a way to rape and punish myself. I derive no pleasure from anal and almost dissassicoiate during the act because it so repulsive to me that this man is enjoying himself while I'm couldn't be more uncomfortable and in pain, and yet I keep seeking it...

There are lots of reasons why people have sex. There are a lot of things that consenting adults do that one person might find enjoyable but another person might find repulsive.

The issue here is not the acts. The issue is how you feel about yourself. This is the point at which working with a therapist to unravel all of these self-harm issues would be in your best interest.

 

[novastar]

I bottom because I love it, because it is the best feeling in the world, because I love feeling submissive, because I love being TAKEN and OWNED by my man...because I enjoy GIVING MYSELF to him, because I enjoy the way it makes me feel so feminine, because I enjoy giving my man pleasure and giving myself completely to him, and to be pumped full of his cum. Sounds like you need to work some things out with a therapist. Being "ashamed degreaded and humiliated" is not something I am into at all.

 

[sixthson]

Have you ever been in love with someone who loved you in return?

 

[azanallover]

My first anal sex was a rape and it happened several times that night. It happened in the basement of my parents home by a older boy. He had groomed me first with masturbation, then oral and then what he really desired anal. He was not the only one growing up, there were others my age and some older. About 18 I kind of fought the urges off and dated normally and thought at 20 I was going to get married. Then I had the woman I loved who had a issue with alcohol to coverup what her father had done was snatched away from me by another woman, she died a few years ago and lived a life of alcoholism. We worked at the same company and I had arranged to get her into treatment and help keep her sober for the rest of her life.

After we broke up the feelings of guilt of not being able to stop what happened to me when I was 10, what happened the rest of my time growing up and now losing a woman to a woman. Fuck I am not even man enough to stop a woman from taking my woman. This was right at the beginning of aids. I started on a self destructive course of sex with every man I could as I was not man enough to stop a guy and not man enough to keep my girlfriend I sought tops only and I found them. I never had safe sex, if a guy insisted I would try to suck him during the sex to damage the condom.

I had already started my own business and I needed a physical for a insurance policy. At 15 I had a physical by the family Dr so I could play soccer. He found out just how active I was on the finger wave and I pleaded with him not to tell my parents and he didn't. He was gay and we talked a little that day. I went back to the same Dr years later, paid for my physical and got his nurse to leave. When he came in I told him I saw him at the gay bars and saw him leaving with guys my age. He said he was probably a little too rough for me and I said my first time was a rape and I grew to like them, is that rough enough for you? I told him I had seen him in action in one of the warehouse sex clubs that existed back them and I wanted what he was doing. He agreed and I was in his group and he got me into the gay underground scene here which was a really fucked up scene. I looked at it as punishing myself for my life. I had hoped to catch the new disease AIDS that was all over the news dropping gay guys wholesale as I wanted out of the life. I spent about 5 years getting passed around and going to gay sex parties around the country with the Dr and his Dr friends. Then one day they no longer wanted me and they disappeared from the scene. Within six months almost everyone from that scene was sick and dying. Next thing I know the whole group I was involved in were are all sick and every last one of them died. I got tested thinking I would soon be on my way out and I was clean.

Then I was back at the clubs going home with whoever could get it up and the more the merrier. I was even doing it in the bathrooms, suck them hard and I want it in me. Then it was the bath houses again both in Phoenix and around the country. But I never caught anything at all even from letting guys with sores on their cocks do me raw multiple times. Then the urges subsided again and I went back to dating and trying to get married again but there must be a invisible faggot that only women can see on my forehead because none I was interested were interested in me so here comes the guilt not man enough to land a woman so I started up again. But this time for some reason I went safe sex because of the anxiety of wondering if I was going to catch aids.

I am more under control of it than I have ever been but I am desiring sex again with guys and soon I will be visiting my favorite bath house but now it is for enjoying being taken. I get where you are coming from as the guilt of what happened growing up. I can't shake it and probably never will but I am no longer punishing myself for something I was too young and too weak to stop. I would be curios to hear about what happened when you grew up because I bet something triggered this wanting to punish yourself. I know only in the last year have I even told the true story of what happened to me.