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Boyfriend and I at a stalemate

K

kramer362

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I need some unbiased objective advice and input here! My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a few months without a hitch... however occasionally an issue of money comes up and causes some static, and this time we are at a stalemate.

It's incredibly stupid to me because we don't even live together or split bills... I live in a house with a married couple I'm very good friends with, renting out the basement bedroom (w/ a bathroom) for a very cheap price. My boyfriend lives with his parents because it's all he can afford, and I can't go there for the weekend because he isn't out to his dad.

We live about 40 minutes apart and he comes over every weekend, and once in a great while he'll come over twice in one week. He's very close to my roommates now too and they have no problem with him staying here a night or two.

The arguments we get in involve him wanting me to give him gas money more often than I do (which is admittedly rare), since he's doing all the driving for our relationship. And I see his point... but I think it's ridiculous. He is living at home for free not having to buy groceries or anything. I'm providing a place for us to stay, groceries included.. the only thing he has to pay for is his portion if we go out somewhere or if he has a craving for something really specific from the grocery store nearby then I don't usually buy it.

I've done the math ( lol ) and it costs him about $10 every round trip he comes out here and goes home, and he sees this inequality and won't let it go, but I see it as his finances aren't in order and he's trying to make up for it... and he also has no tact when he asks for money.. he doesn't ask if I will fill his tank or buy him gas. He asks for $10, and it just feels odd to have him ask for cash outright... and then he says I'm selfish and only care about things that affect my own finances. He's also a smoker and trying to quit so it's very hard for me to avoid throwing in his face that one pack, which he buys about every 2 days, is equal to one trip coming out here and going home.

So basically, he feels I should be offering to help him out because of the burden put on him having to do all the driving to maintain our relationship.. It's so stupid, but I"m interested in hearing different viewpoints, if this post is interesting enough to respond to that is !oops!
 
Well if i was lucky enough to be in a nice steady relationship that has managed to go reasonabely smoothly for over a year,i would certainly be happy to drive over to my boyfriends safe haven and benefit from the free hospitality.In fact i think i would be opposite from your boyfriend,instead of asking for gas money,i would feel obliged to chip in with my share of the food bills,or maybe pay to eat out during the weekend.

Next time he asks for gas money,ask him if it would save his gas if you went and stayed with him and ate his food for the weekend.See how dad likes that!!
 
I've been with my partner for 28 years and we've fought about everything imaginable. I'll start off by letting you know this can be worked out. The cost of operating a car is more than the gas. I'd fill his tank for him while he us with you and not hand over cash. Keep the discussion about his commuting and nothing else. He also has the stress and consequences should anything go wrong on one of his trips. Buy the gas. Life is short.
 
If you pay for the groceries etc - it's only fair that he pays for gas. Tell him that you'd be happy if you reverse the roles every now and then.
 
Let me expand: You said yourself that you see it as him not having his finances in order and trying to make up for that. Were I in your shoes I would take it as this guy asking for payment for his "services."

At the end of the day, if you decide giving him a weekly allowance is something you want to do then that's your call. How a couple manages and settles financial matters is between them; as long as you're happy and no one is getting hurt then there's really no right or wrong way to make a relationship work.

That said, where I come from it's pretty shameful to request money from someone you're dating. It's a different situation when you're married, living together, or some other type of committed situation, but to be dating and him request that you give him money for coming to see you...that's tacky.

It could be argued that if he didn't have to come see you then he wouldn't be spending that money so in some way you're responsible for it. I say if having a boyfriend is too costly for him, let him go back to not having one. Then you can find a guy who IS a class act and can manage his money.
 
Start a kitty and each put in a set amount, say $50. When he comes to visit, fill his car with as much gas as it takes for a round trip from the kitty. Then pay for whatever food you eat from the kitty, too.

Otherwise, just don't argue about such small things.
Love is generous.
 
I also think it's very bad manners to ask someone you're dating for money. I am assuming he is getting something out of dating you, or you wouldn't be in this relationship for so long. So it's entirely his choice to come to your place.

That said, if the relationship has lasted so long, then you probably see enough in the guy to not be at the break up point because of a minor money issue. I would say that Seasoned is right - if you are not feeling used (and, I repeat - after a year of dating you should know that), then it's not a big deal paying for gas. But don't give him money - fill the tank yourself.

How old are the two of you btw?
 
It all depends on how much you earn. If you really like the guy you should spend equal percentages of your earnings. If he is obviously struggling, being a dick about him asking for gas money isn't justified.
I was a full time student, full time worker with a crappy minimum wage salary. My dick wad banker boyfriend demanded that I pay more than I possibly could. If you love someone and they're in need, help them out. If you don't love him or trust him to make smart decisions, don't enable him.
 
One thing that stuck out to me was that this guy buys a pack of smokes every two days. If he was having financial difficulties, and couldn't cover the $10 round trip to your place, then common sense says one pack of smokes would be sacrificed for the trip.

Now, I'm not going to get into the 'smokers are evil' argument, but what I'm noticing here is that he doesn't seem willing to compromise. This situation should say to him "I like this guy. He lives 40 minutes away. To pay for the gas to get there, I would need to sacrifice one pack of smokes". At this point, he seems to think that's unfair on him, which concerns me.

While it's easy to say money issues are petty, if you let stuff like this slide, you may open yourself up to abuse. My advice is to test the waters and see if he's able to pay for your meal when you go out one night, or even cover groceries one weekend.

Relationships are about compromise, give and take. While it's endearing that you cover his gas at all (in an "I'm glad you're coming to see me", kinda way), it's probably damaging that it doesn't work the other way.
 
Oh -- and DON'T mix the cigarette smoking thing -- its an addiction that is DIFFICULT to overcome -- and the mere fact that he is TRYING is enough (IMO)...

:):):)
 
Seasoned said:
I'd fill his tank for him while he us with you and not hand over cash. Keep the discussion about his commuting and nothing else. He also has the stress and consequences should anything go wrong on one of his trips. Buy the gas. Life is short.
Click to expand...

So your solution is to ignore the fact that he's flat wrong and just give in to his ridiculous request because "life is short." I disagree. Life is too short to be a doormat for the sake of getting along with someone who doesn't respect you.

Kramer, I agree with thephoenix - your boyfriend is being ridiculous. He is essentially living with you for part of every week. He is using the utilities (electric, heating, maybe even water depending on which utilities are included) you pay for. He is eating the food you provide. If he lived with you full-time, you'd probably work out an arrangement wherein you split all of those costs. Even with the small amount of time he spends at your place, most people would probably have worked out some way to split all groceries being used. You are doing the reasonable thing and not making an issue about that money because you realize he isn't there enough to make it worth a fight, and because you get something out of his visits (you get to see him). And because you realize he does pay for gas and car maintenance to come see you.

My question is - why isn't he willing to be just as reasonable and acknowledge that you are paying for a large amount on your end as well? Logically if he wasn't staying with you, he wouldn't be paying for gas money BUT you also wouldn't be paying for the extra groceries needed to feed an extra mouth, the extra electricity that you use while he's there, the extra water for showers and bathroom usage...and while I'm sure you love having him there because you care about him, if he wasn't there you'd have your small basement apt. all to yourself rather than having to share it with another person.

I think you're completely in the right here. I have never once asked my friends or dates to pay for commuting costs to go see them. I chose to go see them and all that entails (including gas money). If I can't afford gas money, I don't agree to make that drive. The flip side is that I would be pissed if I drove to see my friends and they never drove to see me. It sounds like you are more than willing to go stay with him an equal amount of the time, but that his semi-closeted status prevents you from doing that...which again, is not your fault, but his.

Ultimately what this comes down to is maturity. If he is not mature enough to come out to his father, then maybe he's not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. And if he is not mature enough to respect his boyfriend and realize that there are costs on both of your ends and that a relationship is not a free ride just because you can't manage your money or because you think you're entitled to it, then maybe you should ditch the loser and find someone who doesn't need to grow up and get over himself. I know that sucks and is obviously not the solution you want, but that's where it will eventually come to if he can't get his act together.

Hope it works out. Keep us posted.
 
Your BF uses the argument that "he does all the driving" as his contribution to sustaining the relationship? And that is all? And you can't go to his house, because he is closeted to his family. And even if you did, would he pay you for the gas; I doubt it. I see very little hope with this relationship unless he is willing to make major life changes and get out of his parents house.
 
You pay for the groceries. What about utilities? I hope he bathes while he's over. Seems to me you are contributing to the "relationship" enough. Tell him to stay home next weekend.
 
The advice given by the guys above present a lot of common sense; however, I want to address the relationship as a whole.

I know you sound mostly positive about your relationship with this guy, but I am concerned about elements of his personality that will sabotage any hopes of a LTR.

This isn't about the money. It's about manipulation and selfishness supplemented by a physical addiction. Your boyfriend has no problem using you financially, and is not interested in contributing to joint sacrifice and finances that is paramount to any lasting relationship. His behavior is that of a child, which is concerning considering he's an adult who is suppose to be an adult relationship.

Asking you for cash is the equivalent of being paid as a prostitute. That's why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You feel like you are paying to have a relationship.

These are aspects of one's personality that is not likely to change. I think you should see this period of time as a warning to any future relationship with this guy. I'm sure the sex is great, and I'm sure he fulfills those 1-2 days a week of acting the part of a boyfriend. A boyfriend; however, is much more than that. A boyfriend will come to your need in an emergency (he can't). A boyfriend shares in the cost of a relationship, if not trying to outspend you as a gesture of intimacy.

Unfortunately, this is not the person you are dating. Also, after a year and a half, what efforts has he made to permanently be with you? Have you talked about one of you moving or he coming out to his family? After that amount of time, you should kind of... well, be important in his life. Not an ATM machine that dispenses $10 bills.
 
Tell him if he were to come out to his dad, you'll be more than happy to visit him every other weekend to even out the gas bill. His action seems to indicate a freeloader to me.

thephoenix said:
Run, don't walk away!
Click to expand...
^ Very funny...but great advice!

Or he could organized a neighborhood car wash to raise money.
 
Some of the information I'd rather have before answering hasn't been given. I don't know how much money he makes. I don't know what other expenses he has, although you do say he's living rent-free with his parents. I don't know what other commitments he has ... like, is he in school or something? I also don't know if, when he's with you for the weekends, he's contributing anything other than his presence and his personality.

Given all the unknowns here, I ask you to realise that I'm sort of shooting in the dark with my suggestions.

What I'm sort of wondering is if, while he sees that $10 a week slipping out of his pocket to be with you, he doesn't see something comparable slipping out of yours to be with him.

If you're providing the food while he's with you, what would happen if you 'forgot' to go shopping until he got there, and took him with you? Then he sees you spending money.

What would happen if, instead of him driving to you, you went to him? I realise you've said you can't stay at his place, but what about you once or twice a month or whatever, going to get him and bringing him back? My thought, again, is that he sees you spending some money. He might view that as him having a bit less independence while he's with you, and I'm not sure whether that would be a good thing or not.

Do his (and your) finances allow that the two of you would be able to be together not at your place, but a motel somewhere for the weekend? That might be something you could suggest. If you sat down with him and tried to work out a budget for something like that, I'm wondering if what it's not costing him to be with you -- like food and lodging and so forth -- might make things sink in. You never know.
 
Ask him if he thinks you are getting more out of the relationship than him.
 
wow thanks for all the different perspectives.

to clear a few things up, I'm 25 and he is 23. I make more than he does (he probably makes 70% of what I make but neither of us makes that much) and we both work fulltime. He however is taking 3 classes starting in about a week.

He is also out to his brother and mom (who also live in his house), just not his dad because his dad is homophobic and from what I understand his whole family doesn't care for the dad. I also think I would feel uncomfortable staying with his whole family on the weekend anyway..

And I really feel guilty with how I may have portrayed him. He really is nothing but supportive and loving to be honest. He doesn't take advantage in any other way, and before yesterday I thought we had the money crap sorted out. We have a generally really healthy relationship and it is not toxic whatsoever...

I think the place where he's coming from is that he feels like he's struggling and he sees me not giving a shit or trying to help him out so it looks like I don't care.. I just feel like I"m enabling him to not make good changes in his life like quitting smoking and budgeting money, which I've tried helping with in the past.
 
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