Boyfriend and I Don't Have Sex

[DictatorWaffles]

Hey everyone, this is my first time posting but I felt as though there was no better place to ask! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, I love him and he says he loves me. However, it has been at least 4 months since we've had sex, and probably around 2 since we've blown each other. The issue is that when I go to touch him he'll push me away, telling me that it's tickling him or that he's itchy. And he rarely lets me even touch his skin because my hands are just that cold apparently. He always tells me that he loves me and that it's not me, but him, and that he could never picture a world without me, but it does not feel like that to me. I just wanted some others' thoughts on the matter, as this is my first real relationship, and I do really love him! He also has a no-porn rule, which I hadn't broken until this week, because it really is unbearable to not do things with him. He also doesn't like me jerking off because he wants to be the one to do it, but he never touches me! What do you guys think I should do? Again, I do love him, but a lack of sex is really killing the relationship in my opinion. Thanks for the advice!

 

[KaraBulut]

This is not an uncommon scenario but it is unusual for someone who has only been together for 18 months.

Let's look at this another way: if your boyfriend was having some sort of problem that was affecting his eyes, so that he couldn't see well, either he would go to the doctor or you would give him an ultimatum to go to the doctor.

There's something going on with your boyfriend. He's saying he doesn't want to be touched. He doesn't want to touch you. This is something that he needs to find a cause for. If it's purely psychological, then he needs to see a therapist and figure out why.

If he's not willing to get the help he needs to fix the problem then you have a decision to make. Love isn't enough.

 

[DictatorWaffles]

Thanks for the input. I'll probably sit sown with him and have a conversation about it. I've been wanting to, but it is a difficult subject for me.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thanks for the input. I'll probably sit sown with him and have a conversation about it. I've been wanting to, but it is a difficult subject for me.

Some suggestions-

1. Don't turn it into an accusation. There's something going on and he's not communicating about it. Lack of communication will kill a relationship faster than no sex will. It's the communication that needs to be fixed here.
2. Think about what you want to say. If you find yourself starting a sentence with the word "You" instead of "I" then you need to stop and think about what you're about to say. What you want to avoid: "You don't want to have sex with me" is an accusation and it's also making assumptions about feelings that are his to tell. Instead, you want to say things like, "I'm worried that there's something wrong. I want to have sex with you but I feel like you don't want to have sex with me."
3. If he does his usual avoidance behavior or he won't talk about what is going on with him, then you need to give some thought to what your future options are.

 

[SeaCore]

I think it would be fair and honest for you to say something like: I'm feeling very confused about how to balance respecting your wishes and my handling my sexual needs. Can we try to build a plan that will work for both of us?


I am slightly concerned by the no porn policy. What's the reasoning behind that?

 

[cabinfever]

It could be one thing at the core or a combination of things and therapy is the best approach but if fear is the defining factor he may turn it back on you for even suggesting it. Fear is a powerful force. The fear could come from ideas he has about sex or disease or death.

Shame and guilt could also be factors - maybe past abuse or crazy religious dogma play a part.

 

[seven2go]

I think knowing the ages of both of you would be helpful.

 

[sixthson]

Him not wanting sex is one thing and we certainly can't understand that if you can't. But him forbidding you to masturbate or watch porn is another. Has he always been so controlling? I'd be concerned that this is as good as it's going to get because you should be the most active this early on in the relationship. Not wanting to be touched is rejection.

 

[jocksweat2020]

Him not wanting sex is one thing and we certainly can't understand that if you can't. But him forbidding you to masturbate or watch porn is another.

I agree with this, these seem unreasonable to even lightly request if he's not following through with the alternative he's suggesting. Obviously you would be concerned if he's dealing with a problem he hasn't yet shared with you, but not offering you an explanation (or opportunity to help fix) isn't fair to you. Neither is preventing you from taking care of your own needs in the aftermath of him making a decisive change to your situation without your input.

Communication is the best medicine always in my experience! But I try to steel myself any time I'm in a situation where communication is needed - once what's hidden is brought into the open, this doesn't necessarily mean there'll be a happy ending. Could go either way, but the way I see it I'd much rather not settle with being unhappy nor be dealing with secrets. Make sure you're doing what's best for you in the long run and be careful with your expectations. No regrets! If you're honest and open with yourself and your boyfriend you won't have any.

 

[jocksweat2020]

*There could be an easily-remedied explanation for what's happened, but 'tread carefully' would be my advice.

 

[ShadowCat]

It does raise several red flags. You said it's been 4 months well if he was fooling around on you in that time he could be waiting on an HIV panel if he cheated and was unprotected. One of his excuses was 'he's itchy' again STD-crabs. The touching and saying your hands are always cold could be just that your hands are cold but it could be temperature sensitivity brought on by an underlying condition. Could be he was sexually assaulted while you were away and has PTSD. He might not be able to get it up again for any number of reasons. The no porn no jerking off again raises flags around control could be something in his life is spiraling out of control (loss of job family member or friend, substance abuse, drinking, sexual addiction) and he feels you are the one thing he can sontrol. He could have a mental health condition he is embarrassed to talk about. Really the ONLY way to know is talk, again NOT in accusatory manner but in a concerned loving nurturing one Do not start with you this... you that... rather... I'm concerned, you know I love you; and I want to be there for you, let me in whats going on what do we need to talk about. If there is still resistance, suggest that if he doesn't want to talk to you see a counselor. If all else fails and he just won't open up to you or anyone else it might be time to call the relationship.

 

[sosotun9091]

Hey everyone, this is my first time posting but I felt as though there was no better place to ask! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, I love him and he says he loves me. However, it has been at least 4 months since we've had sex, and probably around 2 since we've blown each other. The issue is that when I go to touch him he'll push me away, telling me that it's tickling him or that he's itchy. And he rarely lets me even touch his skin because my hands are just that cold apparently. He always tells me that he loves me and that it's not me, but him, and that he could never picture a world without me, but it does not feel like that to me. I just wanted some others' thoughts on the matter, as this is my first real relationship, and I do really love him! He also has a no-porn rule, which I hadn't broken until this week, because it really is unbearable to not do things with him. He also doesn't like me jerking off because he wants to be the one to do it, but he never touches me! What do you guys think I should do? Again, I do love him, but a lack of sex is really killing the relationship in my opinion. Thanks for the advice!

It is not an unusual situation. It happens in all relationships. But what unusual is that you can’t watch porn or jerk off on your own. That is unfair. You should talk to him about it. May be go to a therapist. And the last resort after you exhausted all your options, is cheat on him. But that’s unethical as well. But cheating does get like an addiction at some point. So the choice is yours.

 

[SeaCore]

It is not an unusual situation. It happens in all relationships. But what unusual is that you can’t watch porn or jerk off on your own. That is unfair. You should talk to him about it. May be go to a therapist. And the last resort after you exhausted all your options, is cheat on him. But that’s unethical as well. But cheating does get like an addiction at some point. So the choice is yours.

Or break up

 

[TX-Beau]

I have to agree, there is no excuse for violating promises you've made, it's less messy, traumatic, and actually honest to just to walk away if you've come to that.

 

[pein1234]

The best thing to do is to confront him and talk about it. Maybe external factors like stress from work and family are affecting his sex drive. Personally, this raises some red flags as when my ex told me he didn’t want to have sex for a while I totally gave him the space and became a good friend and settled for cuddling. The next thing I knew he was on Grindr. Not saying your boyfriend is cheating on you but just open up to him and tell him that its bothering you. You’re a human and you have your needs too and there is no shame in looking after your needs. Good luck.