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Boyfriend asks weird questions

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NYClover54

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Today he asked me if we'll still be friends if we breakup and if I'll be difficult. I don't know how I should view this as a warning sign/red flag or as mer curiosity.
 
That deserves a, "why do you ask?"
 
Is he Gay , or like you Bisexual ? It may be that he is feeling insecure about "Dating" a guy who swings both ways . Perhaps he is worried that you will fall for a woman . Just a thought .
Reassurance and Honesty goes a long way .
 
Seasoned said:
That deserves a, "why do you ask?"
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NYClover54 said:
''I'm just curious and I don't know"
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"Are you unhappy and you're thinking about making a change?".


Of course, if you're going to ask these questions, you have to be ready for any possible answer...
 
NYClover54 said:
I did that's what he replied back with
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Was that really that the answer he gave you? If so, I'm of the opinion that that's unacceptable. I think it is perfectly legitimate to let your boyfriend know that his question has gotten you worried. Of course asking something like "If we break up will we still be friends?" gives you the impression that he is actually considering breaking up with you, especially if the only reason he gives for is question is ''I'm just curious and I don't know". It could very well be that he has a quite different reason for asking such a question, but then he should act responsibly and (try to) make that reason explicit to you. Now he sort of leaves you hanging with this worrisome impression. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but that strikes me as disrespectful towards your feelings.

A relationship can only work if the people in it do not have to constantly worry if their partner is considering breaking up with them. Anything either partner does do to undermine that trust strikes at the core of a happy relationship. No surprise then that the question has gotten you restless, for if your boyfriend asks you something like that without explaining why, he risks leaving a sword of Damocles hanging above your head, and that is not a situation he should want to put you in - let alone leave you in.

Whether it be "I want to break up with you" or "Oh no I didn't mean it like that, I meant (...)" I think you have the right to a proper answer. "'I'm just curious and I don't know" is not OK.
 
Miller85 said:
Was that really that the answer he gave you? If so, I'm of the opinion that that's unacceptable. I think it is perfectly legitimate to let your boyfriend know that his question has gotten you worried. Of course asking something like "If we break up will we still be friends?" gives you the impression that he is actually considering breaking up with you, especially if the only reason he gives for is question is ''I'm just curious and I don't know". It could very well be that he has a quite different reason for asking such a question, but then he should act responsibly and (try to) make that reason explicit to you. Now he sort of leaves you hanging with this worrisome impression. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but that strikes me as disrespectful towards your feelings.

A relationship can only work if the people in it do not have to constantly worry if their partner is considering breaking up with them. Anything either partner does do to undermine that trust strikes at the core of a happy relationship. No surprise then that the question has gotten you restless, for if your boyfriend asks you something like that without explaining why, he risks leaving a sword of Damocles hanging above your head, and that is not a situation he should want to put you in - let alone leave you in.

Whether it be "I want to break up with you" or "Oh no I didn't mean it like that, I meant (...)" I think you have the right to a proper answer. "'I'm just curious and I don't know" is not OK.
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I disagree. If OP is insecure about the relationship, this is not automatically the bf's fault. The question - while provocative - is fairly innocent, and in a healthy relationship doesn't "of course" lead to "omg he will dump me". It CAN be just idle curiosity - I have asked it for no other reason myself - and shouldn't automatically make you panic. Do you have other reasons to feel insecure about your relationship?
 
The thing to keep in the back of one's mind is that any relationship could end at any time for any number of reasons. Worrying about that doesn't do you or the relationship any good.

There is a time the question makes sense. If the two of you know a couple that has broken up you might wonder how your partner would behave in relation to how the couple has behaved post-breakup. My husband and I have both indicated that we would not be interested in pursuing a friendship with one another.

I think the thing to do is to formulate your answer in case he again raises the question.
 
It's an odd question to ask. Depending on the personality, the intention of asking it could have motivations or just morbid curiosity. :P
 
If it's any help, I've asked the same question with no intent of breaking up. And to be honest, if I get to a certain point in a relationship where I think we've built a certain level of trust, I might ask, as I would expect it not be a problem.
But I guess that it kind of sucks to the person asked, if that person is particularly insecure....

The best you can do is assume the best (that his question was innocent), unless, of course, you have other reasons to assume otherwise.
 
Rolyo85 said:
I disagree. If OP is insecure about the relationship, this is not automatically the bf's fault. The question - while provocative - is fairly innocent, and in a healthy relationship doesn't "of course" lead to "omg he will dump me". It CAN be just idle curiosity - I have asked it for no other reason myself - and shouldn't automatically make you panic. Do you have other reasons to feel insecure about your relationship?
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I think you're quite right in this observation and believe I posted my response too unreflectingly. Indeed, a question like this needn't automatically make you panic and if it does chances are you already feel insecure about your relationship. I think I was assuming a bit too much about the OP's situation. Like that its not unusual for his boyfriend to asks such questions - may have been the title of this thread that planted that idea - but then only shrugs when asked for his reasons for doing so. It was that picture that struck me as not OK, while it was actually of my own making!

I take my poorly expressed earlier judgement back and put this one in its place: the question in and of itself is odd, but needn't necessarily spell disaster. If you fear that it implies that your boyfriend is considering breaking up with you, ask him if that is the case. If is answer is no and you have no reason to think he isn't being honest, you should accept it and move on from this issue. And if you do have other reasons to be insecure about your relationship, discuss them with your boyfriend as well. It's always better to be honest about your worries than keeping them in your head as would-be scenarios - as long as you are willing to accept his responses as honest.

Only if you boyfriend answers your question whether he is considering breaking up with you with a shrug or an "I don't know" does (some) my earlier judgement apply. For in that case he truly does leave "a sword of Damocles hanging above your head" without explaining why or when it might come down, or what you might be able to do about it. It's then up to you to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who is unclear about whether or not he wants to be with you.

That's my amended judgement.
 
I've asked this before, because I was thinking about the commitment level and what might be the fallout of taking it further and becoming more vulnerable - then what if, possible disaster.

I've never asked it when I was bout to leave.
 
I personally feel the 3-month mark is a good point to assess a relationship. I think the wording is pretty bad for the information he is trying to obtain. I would say something along the lines of: "where do you see this relationship going?". 3-months is enough time elapsed as to when you can assess the emotional compatibility of each other.
 
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