Boyfriend doesn't talk about feelings i'm finding it hard

[2002Hugh]

Paul and I have been together now for 1yr 8 months and we have a fairly unique relationship. Paul is 6 years older than me (34) and it is both of ours first relationship. We are happy together but he never really spends time with me alone, now this sounds strange but every time we meet up its usually at the weekend and involves going out with his friends as well as me, we are of course together alone whilst we have a sexual relationship but I really seek that one on one boyfriend time. It does get more complicated, I am really good friends with his friends because we see each other all the time. Paul gets annoyed at his friends contacting me and sms'ing me (which to a degree I understand but believe him to be jealous I am liked by them) I am the kind of person who can talk very openly about how im feeling, but he never talks about his feelings. In the past I have had to sit down with him and say 'Im the type of person that needs reassurance your enjoying this relationship' which he has said 'yeah we are fine for now you worry to much about things and that to me is a weakness'....

We went away on holiday over a year ago just the 2 of us (6 months into our relationship) (he arranged it as a surprise...so sweet) we had a great time but on one night because we had spent 4 days solid together conversation started to dry up over dinner and it was a bit awkward, he rarely talks about his life, he may have issues related to his childhood, but doesnt share alot of his daily life with me like work etc.. its always me filling the conversation. Since this we are still obviously together but it has stuck in his mind and I think he has a fear of us being together alone in case we get stuck for something to say. This is starting to get me down, I want us to go away on holiday together and he has said to me in front of his friends that it will never happen and its an open joke about how we will have nothing to talk about - I think his tendency to joke about it is an attempt to hide the truth. I really, really enjoy being with him but hate to think that he has already 'capped' our relationship because of one awkward situation.

I have tried to arrange things for just us to do, a trip to the theatre (which he declined and his friend went in his place) Concerts, Weekends away and if I mention it will be just us he makes excuses and says not to plan things in advance in case we are not together any more, which of course is heart breaking for me. My question to other guys out there is - what would you recommend us doing to get us to get over this ridiculous situation? As he doesn't speak about his feelings all our discussion is in front of his friends and we say a lot of truthful things in jest to gauge reaction from one another. I want us to enjoy our more time together.

 

[StlKj]

He's fine with the way things are. You're not going to change him. He's not willing to change, and he passive-aggressively takes jabs at you in front of his friends, who he doesn't really like sharing with you.

This relationship is fine as long as you're okay with those facts. If you're not, then it is time to move on, as he's not going to budge.

 

[Seasoned]

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself as you attempt to have your bf make changes. You seem committed to him and the relationship, but he has got to be ready to hear you. Your mission is to learn what it means to be assertive, which is far different from aggressive and may actually require training.

It seems as if he has total control of the relationship. That's not healthy. It is possible to live the way you are for a long time, but it will take it's toll.

To get what you want you are going to have to pick your battles and hold your ground. Do not make generalized complaints but ask for one thing. Offer to do whatever planning is involved. If doing something is important to you make it known and make it happen for yourself.

Some couples make the mistake that they must be joined at the hip. That may work for some couples but not all. You also need your own friends.

I'd suggest finding things of mutual interest so you have something to talk about. You need coupleship, however the two of you define it.

Don't accept the notion that you must gave this relationship at all cost. But don't toss it aside if it's fixable.

My partner and are are much like the two of you. We have very different styles and he likes a crowd when we go out. We are quiet when we are together for long periods alone, but we have enough mutual interests that we are able to get a conversation started. We've also been to couples counseling.

I hope some of this proves helpful. You can PM me anytime.

 

[UC3543]

If you are counting on you changing your boyfriend, you are goin to be waiting a long, long, long time - it isn't going to happen. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with him as he is

 

[ericwhitney]

you have to talk to him. until you do, you won't know if those jabs about not taking a holiday or breaking up are him passive/aggressively getting ready to dump you, or him protecting himself because he senses your unease and is worried you are going to dump him.

these stonefaced guys have all the emotions as everyone else, and if you love him and feel he loves you, you owe it to yourself to try digging a little in a non-threatening way. don't expect the answer you want right away though.

you should also prepare yourself for the possibility that he doesn't, in fact, want a deeper relationship with you. at the end of the day, remember, it's going to be how he acts, not what he says.

 

[2002Hugh]

Just wanted to say thanks for posting guys, some real food for thought. I have managed to talk to him about feelings recently and he has said he really likes me, thinks im still hot even after 1 and half years. He said that he does get angry that I spend time with his friends and I have agreed (and will try) to see them less and spend more time with my friends.

 

[StlKj]

Um, so after a year and a half he "really likes" you? I hope he didn't actually say that he "still" finds you hot even after all that time. And he gets "angry" if you spend time with his friends?

So, what you got settled was that he gets to keep doing everything he has been doing, you end up changing your behavior to accommodate his selfishness, and he "likes" you?

I hope you're okay with that, because it kind of sounds like that's all you're going to get.

 

[goodbyemountainman]

Maybe he still has some difficulty to adjust to the fact that he, after all, is in a first [gay?] relationship at 34. The older you started your first relationship, the harder it is for you to express your feeling. It's like you live on a desert for too long you learn how to use less the water. But I think you're doing the right thing. Letting him know your deepest feeling is the best solution to take relationship to the next level. However, don't let your feeling build up so much that at some points you put him on the corner and confront him. Talk to him occasionally but in a natural way. There are other ways to start "the conversation" rather than "we need to talk" or "why are you doing that?" Hope it work out the best for you two.

 

[bankside]

"We're fine for now."
"That to me is a weakness."

Wow.

Nobody's perfect. We all have our faults and misunderstandings. He knows it. You know it. We all do. But I can't imagine saying those things to the man I love. I want him to understand everything I say to be loving and erotic and to show him how much he means in my world. And I can't think of a way to say "We're fine for now" that sounds even remotely hot. It sounds like a brush-off.

I don't know what the future holds for you both. I don't think you need to dump him or even force the issue. But I do think you need to be ready to let him go. Make a place for him in your life, but if he can't figure out why that's a wonderful place, it's his call and his loss.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah. OK, you had this talk with him that pretty much ended up in you agreeing to alter your behavior and him agreeing that you have to alter your behavior. What did that solve?

I don't like my guy hanging around with my friends all that much. This has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with both of us having our own lives. I can't think of many things more stifling and intolerable than a guy deciding I'm one half of Siamese twins. But I would never tell him who to associate with and who not to, and if he becomes friends with one of my friends, they pretty much move in the category of mutual friends.

OK, you need to start having your own life. If a guy won't compromise there's a problem, and you have to decide if you want to put up with it. So stop being the giver half of co-dependency and start having your own life. If he then decides he wants to be a part of it then great, he can make the effort, if not, you were never going to be happy with him anyway.