Boyfriend drunk-cheated on me

[Robin76264]

hi,
so here is my story.
i apologize in advance, cause my english is really, really bad.

So my boyfriend and I are now in a relationship for almost 1 year.

And let's just say it is complicated.

So he is not openly gay, and so am I, but all our friends, my sister and my mom know about us. But not his parents cause he also got a older lesbian sister and his parents didn't exactly took it good.

so we can't act all like a couple in public, cause he always fears that someone who might know him will see us and tell someone and it spreads like fire.

So now physical contact, or touching, kissing not even hugging or something like that.

Only on Vacation when he is sure noone is around who might know us.

so last thursday he was drinking with his best girlfriend and one schoolmate from one grade obove him, and this guys roommate and a couple of other people.

So they where drinking and having fun and the all slept at the schoolmates place.

From then on, the following week was totally strange, he acted just completely diffrent arount me, even when we were alone, like he didn't kiss me, he didn't hug me, actually he didn't even made any body-contact at all.

We didn't had sex the entire week and if I touched him in vertain places, he would not even get hard and always said that he was tired or not feeling well.


This thursday we spent de afternoon at a friends place, then drove home to his place, where my car parked, he said bye, and went straight in, while i thought we would spent time alone together.

a couple minutes later, when i arrived home he texted me that he was sorry it was so stupid.

Then we texted back and forth for a long time and i told him that this things bother me.

suddenly he texted me, he would come over right now.

so i was laying in my bed, waiting for him and when he enterd he had all red and puffy eyes and stuff, and he was crying, so i asked what it was about and he told me he cheated on me when they where drinking the other night.

There were so many people so he sleeped in the bed with this one guy, and they talked, and kissed and had sex, like not anal or something but everything else.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

What kind of advice are you looking for?

 

[palbert]

Other than this incident, do you find the relationship satisfying and fulfilling? I sense you have some reservations about it.

 

[Gekishinken]

You two need to have a long discussion about this. Sounds like you have reservations about the relationship to begin with.

 

[hylas]

Just to clarify, you're both closeted?

But anyway, I'm not sure if either the closet or the alcohol really adds anything here.
He cheated, he's sorry, it's up to you to decide if you forgive him or not.

 

[Seasoned]

Was this one time or is he still seeing this guy?

 

[Robin76264]

Im sorry I didn’t answer, I had a lot of work to do these past days.

So we did not break up over it, and yes he still loves me, he is sorry, he regrets ist and everything.

He is not seeing this guy anymore but he texted with him for about a week after it happend and I read all their texts they where just like smalltalk and stuff about school and nothing else.
He let me read them, caus I told him I would feel better if I read them and see for myself that there is nothing to worry about, no feelings and stuff, just really drunken sex.

But I talked to him, cause there are things going thru my mind about the whole thing.

So I asked him if it was good, he said yes, if the guy is a good kisser, he said yes, does he have a big penis, another yes, what did you do, other then make out?
He said they sucked each other till they came, and both swallowed, so it kinda disgusts me that a couple hours later he came to me and kissed me with the same mouth he did those things just hours before.

But my feelings for him did not change a bit, I still love him like crazy, and I think I can forgive him, sure the trust is broken for now.

But you know what the worst part is, he still refuses to tell this phil guy he slept with that he is gay and has a boyfriend, he still is afraid that people will talk behind his back or treat him diffrent.

I mean come on, he fucking slept with the guy, how much gay can it get?

So for this Phil guy, everything is good, they did not do anything wrong and i am afraid, that there might happen something in the future when they are drunk.

I don't want to tell him who he can and can't see, but I am so not going to let him party with this guy again, at least not til he tells him that he has a boyfriend.

 

[KaraBulut]

The topic and your post are a bit out of synch with each other.

A one-night trading of blowjobs with a stranger is the least of the issues. The closeted nature of the relationship and the fact that the two of you can't present yourself in public as a couple is probably going to be more of an issue.

But you know what the worst part is, he still refuses to tell this phil guy he slept with that he is gay and has a boyfriend, he still is afraid that people will talk behind his back or treat him diffrent.

I mean come on, he fucking slept with the guy, how much gay can it get?

Probably about the time that they had dicks in their mouth, the other guy probably had a clue your boyfriend is gay.

However, having a dick in your mouth is not solid evidence that the guy has a boyfriend. If anything, sucking another guy's dick usually indicates you're available... if not single.

So for this Phil guy, everything is good, they did not do anything wrong and i am afraid, that there might happen something in the future when they are drunk.

I don't want to tell him who he can and can't see, but I am so not going to let him party with this guy again, at least not til he tells him that he has a boyfriend.

He can blame the slip-up on being drunk.

Now he's sober. He can't blame alcohol for the fact that he is still in touch with the other guy and he hasn't mentioned that he's in a relationship. Out of respect for both of you, he needs to come clean that he's in a relationship... if he doesn't come clean, he may be single sooner than later.

 

[Robin76264]

This guy is NO stranger, they see each other in school probably every day. And that is my problem. What if this other guy likes MY boyfriend, cause he has no clue that I even exist? And yes it is a big problem at least for me that we can't show affection in public. But he has no intentions in changing that issue. I am afraid that he doesn't want to tell people so that he can back out of it anytime and just mark it as a phase in his life. But if he tells people he will always be the gay boy. Or at least bi.

 

[HunterM]

What if this other guy likes MY boyfriend, cause he has no clue that I even exist?

That is not your problem. Other people can like your boyfriend...just as we have celebrity crushes or crushes on other people. If you continue to blame Phil, then you're in denial.

Your biggest problem is what if your boyfriend really likes this guy...or other guys in the future while still being your boyfriend. Your boyfriend should have enough self control to refuse other people's advances. You need to have a talk with him and find out where he stands on his relationship with you. Is it exclusive or not?

Remember, you are in control of your own life and your own happiness. You sounded like you are afraid he is going to leave you. Your attitude should be...if he cheated on you again, you are not afraid to walk away from him. If you don't get an exclusive commitment from him, you are not afraid to walk away from him.

If you are still afraid of him leaving you after he cheated on you, then most likely you are allowing him to take advantage of you.

 

[Robin76264]

Thanks for your advice.

No I belive him, he truly is sorry and he really, wants to be with me, I have no doubt that he loves me, just like I love him.

And he says that it was a one time thing, and that he has no intention in doing any of this again.

My thought was that I bored him, that he wants something or someone else then me, after one year of happy relationship, but that is not the case.

And yes, you are all right, my biggest problem is that he won't commit to me. Sometimes I think he is embarrassed about me or something. But he clearly says, he want's to be with me.

But he doesn't want to tell anyone, for the reasons i described obove.

And I really love him, for so many reasons but I have to make so many compromises in this relationship that I don't know if it is worth it anymore.

I mean i can't be around him, like i want to be.
I can't tell people who are important to me or him.
I can't talk to him when i'm at work, cause his cousin works with me and he can't know anything.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Robin76264,

Karabulut told you

The closeted nature of the relationship and the fact that the two of you can't present yourself in public as a couple is probably going to be more of an issue.

and I agree with him.

And yes it is a big problem at least for me that we can't show affection in public.

might be problematic for you, but this is not the key problem. Please be aware that there are loads and loads of couples (straight and gay) who don't show affection in public, but anyone in their surrounding is aware that they are a couple.

The closet is the biggest problem, and staying in the closet will stay a problem when you really want to develop a healty relationship with another guy. I mean, both of you must hide to the rest of the world that you are committed to each other / are boyfriends of each other / are a couple (or whatever you name it). Please be aware that all the girls at your college and all the girls at his college will try to find out why you don't seem to be interested in girls and why he does not seem to be interested in girls, and please be aware that we are right now living in 2014. So all of your fellow-students will be aware that some of their fellow students will be gay.

I am realizing myself very well that its tough to open yourself to others (including your fellow-students), but I tend to think that quite a few of them (at his college and as well at your college) will already know that both of you don't classify as 'straight and still looking around for a nice girlfriend' or 'straight and too busy with the study to be interested in having a girlfriend' (etc.). That's not how it works, especially right now in 2014.

I am sure that your life, and also the life of your friend, would be much more relaxed when you don't need to hide anymore for your schoolmates that both of you are 'committed to each other'.

I would like to wish you good luck. Feel free to react and/or ask for more advice.

 

[Robin76264]

Thank you for your opinion.

Just to clear things up, he is not going to a college like a college in the usa, this is a Higher Technical Institute (HTL) just look it up on wikipedia. But doesnt change a thing.

And I am working as an technical engineer in a company, with his cousin, sitting right beside me.

just like I said I am not the type of person who wants to hold hands in public, or kiss the whole time and sit on his lap and stuff.

I just don't want to think about what to say, to whom and when.

And I don't want to feel stupid if I want to give him a quick peck on the lips in a parking lot, when he goes to work on Friday and Saturday or something.

My life is complicated.

I just wish that his heart would win over his brain. He says he want's to show affection but is afraid how people react and, further on how his family will react if they find out.

I mean we live in Salzburg, a very small town, and if somone will see us, it would be not unlikely that a few days later everyone would know.

And I understand him for that and also respect it, I just don't know if that is what I want.

I mean your whole life you imagine what your first relationship (my first, he had one with girls when he was like 13 or something, but nothing serious) would be like.

And now it is nothing like that. Just hard, and if you asked me a few weeks back I would imediatly say it is worth it.

But now, seeing that he did what he did I am not sure anymore.

I am just afraid he realized he could have better looking, people (guys and girls) he could hook up with in just one second.

While I would be alone.

I just can't stand the thought of seeing him with another person.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being closeted is always a gigantic, relationship-destroying problem. Doesn't matter if it's obvious or not, a relationship in the closed withers and dies sooner or later. This is the simple truth without sugarcoating. Maybe you feel like you can't be out, or maybe you're just making excuses. We don't know, just like we don't know where you love. But the reality of it is that for as long as your bf is ashamed of being gay, a part of him will also be ashamed of you. And vice versa.

 

[KaraBulut]

...And yes it is a big problem at least for me that we can't show affection in public. But he has no intentions in changing that issue. I am afraid that he doesn't want to tell people so that he can back out of it anytime and just mark it as a phase in his life. But if he tells people he will always be the gay boy. Or at least bi.

The displays of public affection is a symptom, not a cause.

There are three really good answers when a guy wants to suck your dick but you're in a relationship:

1. I have a boyfriend
2. I'm in a relationship.
3. No.

Only one of the above answers requires revealing that you're gay, bi or whatever... but then again, sucking a guy's dick pretty much answers the question about whether you are gay, bi or whatever.

 

[Robin76264]

thanks KaraBulut, but that is not the question, at least not for me.

He is the one who does not want to tell people because they might think he is gay.